


If Looks Could Kill

by HelloTragic



Series: If Looks Could Kill Verse [1]
Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: F/M, repost
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-26
Updated: 2018-08-21
Packaged: 2019-06-16 11:32:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 27
Words: 132,974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15436137
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HelloTragic/pseuds/HelloTragic
Summary: Emma Swan is a dedicated FBI agent getting over a bad breakup. When she and her partner, Ruby Lucas, are forced to go undercover as contestants on a reality show, Emma is forced to try and win the affections of Killian Jones, a man she despises.Killian Jones is a lost boy. Having recently been nicknamed the ‘Bad Boy of Boston,’ he’s been living up to his moniker using women and rum to avoid dealing with his dark past. When he’s forced to take the lead in a reality show, he encounters a gorgeous blonde who turns his world upside down.Miss Congeniality meets The Bachelor





	1. 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys. It's back by popular demand. I originally pulled all of my work because I was reported for violating a rule that I didn't even know existed. Let's be real, the AO3 user agreement is almost as long as the itunes one. In an effort to protect my babies, I took them off of AO3, but enough of you have kindly pleaded with my to re-add them (since reading on tumblr is just the worst) so here we go.
> 
> I'm starting with ILCK (by popular demand in my inbox) and plan on re-posting 1 chapter per day. Not sure which fic will be next though.

                                                               

 

The network had been after him for years to participate in one of their highest ranked reality shows and Killian Jones was at his wits end with the constant begging and pleading. It didn’t help that his manager, Regina Mills, was as cutthroat as they come, insisting that it would be good for his image, regardless of how he felt about the idea.

 

His reputation had taken a beating in the newspapers. His once squeaky-clean image had been sullied, his heart shattered, and his self-loathing at an all time high. He had fallen head first into the rum, then straight into the eye of a destructive hurricane, sleeping with groupies, trashing hotel rooms, and starting bar fights.

 

Regina was sick of it, and insistent that he do something about it, but he refused. The first time she presented him with the idea, he laughed at her incredulously, brushing off the idea as a joke. The second time he told her he wasn’t interested in buying the cow when the women were happily leaving gallons of free milk at his front door, his words dripping with innuendo. The third time she mentioned it, Killian threw her out of his penthouse.

 

He followed suit not long after leaving to join his best mates at a bar down the street from his place.

 

The Rusty Anchor wasn’t exactly a place that a man would go to find a lady of substance, but then again Killian Jones wasn’t looking for anything more than a one night stand, and Boston was full of cheap thrills. When he walked into the bar, his eyes immediately scanned the room searching for his next conquest. His plan consisted of one or two obligatory drinks with Robin Locksley and Will Scarlett for Robin’s birthday, and then he would steal away for the night with his latest plunder.

 

After settling on a leggy brunette with red streaked hair, he settled further into the bar to find his mates, making sure he could keep an eye on his conquest lest she leave without him. Once found, he took a seat at the table they were sitting at deep in conversation already.

 

He didn’t even bother greeting either of the men before reaching across the table and grabbing a tumbler full of rich amber liquid. He tilted it up to his lips and downed the contents in one gulp.

 

“Oi, wud you do that for ya git?” Will’s accent always became thicker as he drank; in fact it was a trait that was true of all three men.

 

“Don’t start with me,” Killian spat back as he raised his arm to a cocktail waitress walking by. He ordered a bottle of top shelf rum before giving her a wink, taking notice of the bright shade of red she became in the process.

 

“What’s got your knickers in a bunch this evening?” Robin took Killian’s foul mood in stride, having a slight idea what was bothering him.

 

“Truth be told,” Killian started turning to Robin, “your girlfriend is making my life hell.”

 

It was days like these that Killian had come to regret introducing Robin to Regina almost two years ago. At the time, Killian had been in a much different place, a content place, and he wanted to see everyone around him as equally happy.

 

“Ah,” Robin laughed. “Am I to guess that she asked you about that television program again?” Not waiting for an answer Robin’s face spread into a huge shit-eating grin.

 

“Yes,” Killian paused as the waitress returned with his bottle and three empty tumblers, as well as a small bucket of ice. He let his tongue dart out wetting his bottom lip, as he raised one eyebrow at her, something that had become his signature move as of late. She giggled before running away to talk to another waitress, both of them looking back and giggling some more.

 

He continued, “and she seems quite insistent. I want nothing to do with it.” He shuddered at the idea of it as he poured himself a glass.

 

“What, afraid you couldn’t handle it?”

 

“I could handle it,” he said with a pop on the t. “Would you like a demonstration?”

 

“Bloody hell,” Will piped up. “No one wants to see that Jones.”

 

Killian smirked. “It’s not my fault that I’m irresistible to the fairer sex my friend.”

 

“You aren’t irresistible, you git,” Will spat back. “Your money and fame on the other hand.”

 

“Well I’d like to think that my lovely charms had a bit to do with getting me both of those,” he said as he pulled the tumbler back to his lips. He was sipping it this time, still keeping a weather eye on his brunette, who was now talking to another woman.

 

“You’re incorrigible.” Will’s words caught his attention. “Do you really think you could get any girl you want?”

 

That was a challenge that he was all too eager to accept. He turned his eyes back to Robin, who had been unusually quiet. He could see the wheels spinning in Robin’s head as he narrowed his eyes. The moment he saw a small smirk cross Robin face he knew his friend had an idea.

 

“Care to make a wager Jones?”

 

Killian was intrigued. He didn’t usually take bets unless they were a sure thing, but then again he wasn’t one to back away from a challenge. “I’m listening.”

 

“You seem to think that there’s not a woman in this city who can resist you. So how about this? If you succeed in your seduction, you win and I get Regina to back off about this show, but if you fail, you have to agree to do it.”

 

Robin’s proposal was almost too good to be true. Killian had never failed to pick up a woman, so this would be a sure thing, but there was also a glint of mischief in Robin’s eye.

 

“You’re making this too easy for me.”

 

“Not so fast,” Will chimed in. “We get to pick the lovely lass you’ll be trying to woo.”

 

Killian looked around the room. The bar wasn’t filled with the hottest of women, but none of them seemed repulsive either. Even if they did find the foulest woman in the city, he only had to seduce her into leaving with him; he didn’t have to take her home.

 

“Accepted. Now whom will I be leaving with?”

 

Will and Robin scanned to room looking at the women present, whispering back and fourth. Finally they settled on one, pointing to her. As Killian followed their fingers, he looked back to the beauty he had originally planned on leaving with catching her lustful gaze in the process.

 

“Oh boys, you’ve made this too easy,” he started before being interrupted.

 

“No, Jones,” Robin grinned. “Not _that_ one.”

 

Just then a body moved out of the way revealing the person the brunette had been talking to all night. The woman was a sight to say the least. Her blonde hair was thrown up in a messy knot on her head; her makeup was smeared under her eyes. She was wearing some grey sweatpants and a baggy sweater. She was a mess.

 

Killian gulped down the rest of his rum. He would need a good alcohol induced haze for what was to come. He nodded back at Robin and Will before standing and walking over to the ladies table.

 

* * *

 

Emma Swan was having a horrible week. If walking in on her boyfriend of two years in bed with another woman six days ago wasn’t enough to make her want to drown her sorrows, the new case she had been stumbled on at work was.

 

She had planned to spend the night curled up on the bed having a Netflix marathon and a bottle or two of red wine, but then Ruby happened. Not only was Ruby her partner in crime, but her partner at work, where Emma had been unfocused and wallowing in self-pity the last few days.

 

After poking and prodding, Ruby finally pulled the details out of her, including the red haired witch Emma found straddling Walsh. Adultery aside, Walsh hadn’t been a horrible boyfriend. He didn’t make the grand romantic gestures that Emma silently craved, but he was the first guy since Neal to make her feel like she wasn’t completely unlovable.

 

Ugh, _Neal_.

 

The fact that Walsh wasn’t super attractive was a plus as well, or so she thought. There was a part of her that never worried he would stray, because he didn’t seem to have many female admirers.

 

Damn him, and damn this case. While being away on assignment with Ruby helped get her out of that apartment long enough to order a new bed and sheets, she wanted to be in her own New York apartment, burrowing into a little blanket cocoon on her own couch.

 

When Ruby insisted on a night out, citing that it would be good to scope out the bar that their target worked in to help lay the ground work for their cover stories, Emma was a goner. Emma was stubborn, but so was Ruby, and when Ruby had an idea, a pack of wolves couldn’t stop her, so Emma caved.

 

“This place is disgusting.” Emma stuck her nose up at it. It may have been called the Rusty Anchor as a cute nautical theme, but Emma was pretty sure most of the patrons had scurvy.

 

“You’re gross,” Ruby told her. “For God sakes, Emma, could you look any more homely?”

 

She had to give the point to Ruby. Emma had actually gone out of her way to make herself as unattractive as possible, while Ruby was wearing one of her favorite come hither dresses for undercover work.

 

“Don’t start in on me. You’re lucky that I’m even here, and it’s not like I’m trying to impress anyone here.”

 

She could see Ruby’s disapproving look out of the corner of her eye as she stared at the drink menu, settling on some cheap house brand of whisky. She ordered her drink and turned back to Ruby, only to see her eye-fucking a guy across the bar.

 

“Well,” Emma managed. “I guess I won’t have to stay all that long after all.”

 

Ruby turned back to her grinning like the Cheshire Cat. ”What? He’s hot!”

 

“Just remember that we have adjoining rooms and I really don’t want to wake up in the middle of the night to your carnal delights,” Emma sneered.

 

Before either woman could say anything else, he was there.

 

“Evening ladies, may I buy you some drinks?”

 

He was cocky, just how Ruby liked them. Emma saw this as the perfect opportunity to escape, knowing that Ruby’s attention was now completely occupied.

 

“Well that’s my cue,” Emma said rising up from her chair. “Rubs, I’ll see you in the morning.”

 

She felt his hand grab her wrist as she turned away. Ugh, this creep was touching her, bordering on dangerous territory. Ruby obviously picked up on her tension, explaining that her friend was just leaving for the night.

 

“I know that my devilishly handsome face may be intimidating to some, but the evening is still young, Love. I was hoping to get to know you over a few libations.” He licked his lips drawing his bottom one in just under his teeth.

 

He let go of her wrist, grabbing her hand instead and bringing up just enough so he could kiss her knuckles lightly. Just then the waitress reappeared setting down Emma and Ruby’s drinks.

 

Was this guy for real? She rolled her eyes before focusing on Ruby having one of their famous silent conversations. Ruby gave him a sheepish grin, knowing exactly what was about to happen.

 

“I’ll tell you what,” she started. “After the week I’ve had, I could use a bit of fun.”

 

She batted her eyelashes as she felt him lean in a bit, waiting for her to go on.

 

“So with that in mind, yes. This drink can be on you.” She gave him a little wink before grabbing the glass and lifting it high enough to pour it over his head. Satisfied with her self, she turned on her heels and walked out the door, grabbing a cab back to her hotel room.

 

On the walk up to her room she heard her phone vibrate, but chose to ignore opting for a hot shower instead. Feeling as though she may have finally washed off all of the scum she picked up at the bar, she put on a t-shirt and climbed into bed, falling fast asleep for the first time all week.

 

* * *

 

Killian was gob smacked. He had never been turned down before, even before the huge notoriety. He had certainly never considered that she might reject him with so much disdain.

 

“I’m so sorry,” the brunette started. “She’s just having a really crappy week.”

 

He didn’t move or say anything so she continued. “Look, I need to go check on her, but I’d be happy to pick up your dry-cleaning bill.”

 

“No,” he finally managed to stammer out before recovering back to the flirt he was. “No, that’s quite alright, although I think I may need to get out of these clothes now. Care to join me?” His signature look was back.

 

She gave him a small sad smile. “I’m sorry, but I’m more of a ‘chicks before dicks’ kinda girl.”

 

She turned and left just as quickly as her blonde friend, leaving him completely confused as to what had just taken place. Twice in less than five minutes he had been humiliated.

 

He made his way back to Robin and Will, who were laughing so hard they both had tears in their eyes. Killian’s confusion was quickly replaced with mortification remembering why he was talking to the ladies in the first place.

 

He slumped down in his chair, bringing his hand up to pinch the bridge of his nose.

 

“Tell Regina I’m in.” The words almost caught in his throat.

 

In no time at all Regina was texting him with details about promotional spots, photography sessions, and schedules for filming. It was a good thing he bought the bottle, he was going to need it.

 

He drank and drank, so much so that he didn’t even care to entertain the idea of bringing home a lovely lass for the night. He tumbled into bed thinking about what was to come.

 

Regina had explained the concept of the show to him before, but he hadn’t been listening so he could only guess as to the mess he was about to dive into. As he drifted off to sleep, he found himself thinking of the blonde in the bar, the plain girl that had turned him down. There was something different about her, and while he hadn’t been keen on her at first, now he wanted to know more about her. What made her so special?

 

He woke the next morning to banging on his door. He looked at the clock seeing that it was just before noon. He was going to murder whoever it was that pulled him from his sleep.

 

Regina. Of course.

 

“I tried to call you but it went straight to voicemail, and we have a lot to go over and very little time since you took so long coming to your senses about this.”

 

She didn’t even wait for him to invite her in before ducking under his arm and making herself at home. He followed her to his living room and sat at a chair across the coffee table from Regina.

 

“Good morning to you too, Regina.”

 

She raised her eyebrow at him giving him a once over. It would be obvious to her that he had spent the night drinking far too much. Robin and Will had paced themselves knowing that they’d have to be at work bright and early the next morning, leaving a large amount of the rum for Killian. Whatever Regina thought of him in that moment she kept to herself, and he was grateful.

 

Regina may have been a thorn in his side at times, but she was brilliant at her job, and she had stood by Killian through the dark years, something very few others did. She was the only reason he was even still alive at this point, and he knew that he shouldn’t take her for granted.

 

“Okay, so I’ve sent you details for a lot of the stuff, which you’ll find once you’ve decided to charge your phone back up. We start filming next week.”

 

“Bloody hell,” he spat. “Why so soon?”

 

“Well the network has been ready to pull the trigger on this for awhile. All of the contestants have already been sorted and vetted, and the location was secured months ago. They’ve just been waiting on you, although if you had waited much longer they would have gone with their back up, that writer guy. I think his name is August Booth or something like that.”

 

Killian’s head was throbbing and Regina’s take no crap attitude was making it worse. Sensing his discomfort, she pulled a bottle of water and some aspirin out of her purse and tossed it to him, which he accepted gratefully.

 

Regina went on to further explain that the show would be filming over the course of eight weeks. During that time, he would have a little bit of freedom, but that he was absolutely forbidden to bed any women. The show would air soon after filming and at that time, he would still be unable to date, or whatever it was that he did, until after the finale, and then his life would be carefully orchestrated for the following three months. After that he would be free to do whatever or who ever he wished.

 

He spent the next week shooting ‘before’ promos and interviews for the show. Knowing that he had a forced bout of celibacy coming his way, he made sure to stock-up on female affections, and rum.

 

* * *

 

Emma woke bright and early. Something about putting the jerk from the bar in his place had done wonders for her mood. She figured Ruby had a late night out and decided to go for a run rather than waking her.

 

She had to admit, parts of Boston were beautiful. She loved all of the old ornate cathedrals she passed while out. Maybe this assignment wouldn’t be so bad after all. She had even managed to go the entire morning without thinking about Walsh or the red head.

 

When she got back up to her room, she showered and dressed. As she took one last look in the mirror to check her makeup before heading out the door she couldn’t help but laugh at how dowdy she had looked the night before. Her British jerk must have had quite the beer goggles on to have even considered talking to her.

 

She made her way out of the room grabbing her gun and her badge off the nightstand before knocking on Ruby’s door. It didn’t take long for her partner to emerge looking quite refreshed.

 

“Well you look much more put together this morning,” Ruby quipped.

 

“Honestly, I feel better. I finally managed a full nights sleep, got in my morning workout, and even managed a decent cup of coffee. I’m a little surprised to see you so shiny and bright though.”

 

“I didn’t have the late night you thought I would,” Ruby grinned back at her as they hailed a cab. “After you left he made another pass at me and I politely declined. ‘Sex on legs’ only gets you so far in life when your friend is obviously hurting.”

 

“Thank you, but I’m fine. Really. I think I just needed a few days to process everything, but I’m good now.”

 

Emma and Ruby gave the cab driver the address for the local Boston FBI office and spent the rest of the ride in silence. They flashed the security guards their badges before entering a set of elevators to take them up to their temporary offices.

 

Just before the doors opened Ruby caught Emma’s hand. “Look, Emma, I know you better than anyone on this planet. This wasn’t about you. He was an idiot, no more, no less.”

 

She smiled at Emma, who nodded her head silently, and let go of Emma’s hand. The doors opened and the girls made their way down a hallway to the break room so they could grab a supply of coffee laced caffeine before starting the day.

 

Ruby and Emma had gotten off to a rough start when they were partnered up six years ago. Emma, fresh out of Quantico, had been recently heartbroken, vowing never to trust another person again. Ruby was new too, having only graduated one class ahead of Emma. Both women had been at the top of their class, and both were strong willed. Unlike Emma though, Ruby was a free spirit who exuded sexuality.

 

From the moment Emma and Ruby met, there was tension. Emma for her part, finally admitted months later to Ruby after solving their first assignment, that she had been jealous of Ruby. Ruby admitted she was used to women hating her and judging her, and she had just assumed that Emma felt she was better than her. After that, the two were inseparable, having one of the highest closure ratings in the region, as well as an amazing friendship.

 

When the women entered the break room the head of the local office, Graham Humbert, greeted them.

 

“Morning ladies,” he greeted.

 

“Morning, Humbert,” Ruby shot back with her seductive smile.

 

Graham blushed and dropped his eyes to the floor before quickly exiting the room.

 

“You’re awful,” Emma smiled at Ruby while filling two cups.

 

“I just like watching him squirm,” Ruby told her. “Besides, I have no designs on him. Not when he’s obviously got a thing for you.”

 

Emma had just taken a sip of her coffee and had to fight not to spit it out all over Ruby.

 

“Oh my God, he does not!”

 

“Whatever you say Em, but I’m telling you, he can’t keep his eyes off you.” Ruby grinned at her and grabbed her arm dragging her down the hallway into a conference room.

 

When they walked through the door, a group of men were already gathered around a round table, including Graham.

 

“Agent Locksley. Agent Scarlett.” Emma called out in greeting as she and Ruby joined them at the table.

 

“Agent Swan,” Will nodded from the chair next to Ruby. “You seem to be in a good mood. Did you have a good evening?”

 

“I’m not sure good would be the way to describe it. Interesting maybe,” she replied.

 

Both he and Robin began laughing hysterically. Emma and Ruby looked at each other, both clearly not understanding.

 

“My apologies,” came a soft chuckling voice from Robin. “You see, Will and I were both at the bar last night and witness what happened.”

 

“Ah, I see,” Emma blushed back.

 

“Well go on,” Will said motioning to Robin.

 

“I’m afraid I’m going to have to apologize yet again. It was my fault, well our fault.” He watched as Emma and Ruby both furrowed their brows. “He’s a friend of ours and a little on the arrogant side when it comes to women. I needed him to do me a favor, so I made a little wager that he wouldn’t be able to pick you up. Admittedly, it wasn’t good form, having insider information on you, or sicking him on you.”

 

Emma looked dubious as she shot a look to Ruby looking to see if her friend was in on the joke. She wasn’t, and Emma should have known that Ruby would never do something so underhanded.

 

“And what exactly was this favor you needed,” she asked.

 

“You’ll see shortly enough.” His grin was smug, and reminded her of Ruby.

 

Robin’s phone rang, and after a quick conversation he told them he would be right back. In the mean time, Graham began explaining that his office had an opportunity to catch their target, all while never taking his eyes off Emma.

 

Robin returned quickly with a visitor. He was obviously familiar with the brunette as his hand remained on her lower back while he guided her to the empty seat on his other side.

 

“Regina,” he started. “I believe you know Agent Humbert, and Will of course. This is Agent Emma Swan and Agent Ruby Lucas on loan from New York office. They’ll be the ones going undercover.”

 

Regina looked both women over making Emma uncomfortable. She nodded finally stating, “They’ll both do.”

 

Robin grinned and whispered to Emma, “Here comes the favor.”

 

Graham handed out matching folders to each agent.

 

“This is Regina Mills, also Robin’s girlfriend which makes our job immensely easier. Her client has just agreed to be the next Bachelor.”

 

The wheels in Emma’s head were turning, beginning to understand what his was going to say next.

 

“As I’m sure you all could guess, this was an opportunity we knew that Tamara would jump at. Regina has secured her a spot on the show, as well as spots for you two. You’ll have access to her that we haven’t had in the past, and maybe we can finally get some evidence implicating her and put her away for a long time.”

 

Emma’s gaze shifted over to Robin and Regina, still failing to understand why he needed a favor from a lush. She didn’t have to wait long to find out though. As she opened her folder, there where his blue eyes starring back at her.

 

“My client is Killian Jones,” Regina started. “He’s the former lead singer of the Lost Boys, and now he’s a bit of a lost boy himself. He’s had a rough go of it lately so I suggested the show to him as a way to repair his public image. He has no idea that there’s a FBI investigation going on and I’d prefer to keep it that way. “

 

“I’ll be able to ensure that both of you make it into the final five contestants,” she added. “But making it to the final three is out of my hands unfortunately. That will be up to the network executives.”

 

“Wait,” Ruby interrupted. “I thought he picked everything. Can’t you just force him to pick us and Tamara?”

 

“That’s not how things work. I have say up to a point, but it’s also largely based on ratings. They watch the comments on social media to determine what the audience most wants so they can give it to them. It keeps people tuning in week after week.”

 

“No.” Emma’s words were soft in volume, but commanding in nature. With everyone starring at here she knew she’d have to explain. “Look, he’s already seen both me and Ruby, and I wasn’t exactly receptive to him. I’m sure Ruby will do great, but there’s no way he’d even give me a second glance.”

 

Will spoke up next. “Honestly, Swan, not to be a wanker, but I doubt he’ll even remember you. Aside from the fact that he was nearing black out drunk levels as we hauled him into his bead, you weren’t exactly yourself. If I didn’t know you, I’d never guess that the girl in the bar last night was the same woman sitting in front of me right now.”

 

Emma grumbled. Graham continued going over the operation, giving Emma and Ruby their backstories, while Regina gave them background on Killian that could help them advance on their own in the contest.

 

It wasn’t until everyone dispersed that Emma found herself alone in the conference room with Graham. She went to leave and he stopped her with a light brush of his hand on her arm.

 

“Swan, I know this isn’t really something you want to do, and I can’t blame you. I’m not too thrilled with the idea of it myself.” Emma could see the blush rising in his cheeks and his eyes wouldn’t quite meet hers. Damn Ruby. “Just think of it this way. You’ll be in close quarters with Tamara, closer than we’ve ever been before. Perhaps you can gain her trust, and you won’t be alone. You’ll have Ruby there, as well as two other undercover agents posing as camera crew. You can do this, and I know what closing this case could do for your career.”

 

He turned from her and walked back to the other side of the room to look out across the city from the oversized window.

 

“Thanks,” she called back while wrapping her hand around the door handle. “And it’s Emma, by the way.”

 

She quickly left the room slightly embarrassed. She wasn’t flirting, at least not on purpose, but the words just fell out of her mouth, and she couldn’t help but smile at the thought of him. How could she not? He was handsome, and the Irish accent didn’t hurt either. Dating him was out of the question of course. He was her superior, and she was just coming out of a relationship, not ready to start anything new yet. But it didn’t mean she couldn’t think about it right?


	2. 2

The week flew by for Emma. She and Ruby quizzed each other back and fourth on their backstories, making sure that they wouldn’t stumble if someone asked them a random question. They were going in as friends, an idea the network execs jumped at. It would be great for ratings having two friends vying for the same man. It would create the drama audiences thrived on.  
  
  
Ruby’s was playing the part of a lingerie model, a part she would excel at. They had some guys at the bureau take pictures of her, editing them into full blown advertising campaigns to add to the internet for proof if anyone googled her.  
  
  
Emma on the other hand was going in as a writer for a beauty and health magazine. Emma tried to argue that she wanted to play a cop or sheriff, but everyone was worried that even a small time law enforcement officer might scare off Tamara. Just as they had done for Ruby, the tech support guys created Emma’s cover, including some magazine articles, a blog, and some other social media profiles for her.  
  
  
She fought to keep her lunch down as she read the articles she had ‘written’ about hair care and the latest workout trends. It was the complete opposite of everything she stood for. Emma believed that women should feel empowered from the inside, not the superficial outside.  
  
  
The only benefit was when Graham had told her it seemed fitting, given her body. Both of them had blushed at the comment. She avoided being alone with him after that, but couldn’t help how her eyes would wander over to him during their briefings, where she found him already watching her each time.  
  
  
Technically he was her boss, or at least he was for the next couple of months, and she wasn’t ready to date, but her brain would sometimes drift to some unlady like images. Maybe he could be an easy fling before she headed back to New York.  
  
  
Bad Emma, she chastised herself.  
  
  
The group also went through the profiles of the other contestants on the show, garnering some lewd comments from Will. The women were a complete mix of ethnicities and all beautiful, causing Emma to groan.  
  
  
How was she supposed to compete with these gorgeous women when she was completely repulsed by the prize? When Ruby pushed it, she had admitted that he was attractive, but that his personality was so bad that it overshadowed his looks. When Ruby mentioned the accent, Emma quickly reminded her that they were surrounded by men from the UK, and it had lost its appeal.  
  
  
The girls also met the other two agents that were going undercover with them. James Charming and Ava White would pose as a newly married couple, David and Mary Margaret Nolan. David would be a camera operator, giving him unlimited access to the mansion and contestants, while Mary Margaret would act as a production assistant, helping them control everyone’s actions.  
  
  
Both seemed nice enough to Emma, and they complemented each other well despite never having worked together officially before. The two had spent the week in character, and anyone who didn’t know better would see them as newlyweds happily in love.  
  
  
Robin and Will couldn’t be present on the set like the others since Killian knew them, and they didn’t want anyone to know about the operation, especially Killian per Regina’s request. If an emergency came up they would be able to quickly visit as Killian’s friends, but most of their time would be spent behind computers running surveillance and providing support to the girls.  
  
  
Graham said he would check in on them from time to time, but he also had other teams to supervise. Ruby conspiratorially told Emma that Graham just didn’t want to watch Emma flirt with another man, earning another of Emma’s patented eye rolls.  
  
  
Emma and Ruby sat through their final briefing, going over everything one last time, including the suspect of the case, Tamara. Regina explained to everyone that Killian Jones was no stranger to threats. A few years before Killian had a very unfortunate brush with a crazed fan, but Regina didn’t go into the details. Emma had tried to search the incident, but found nothing. Whatever it was, Regina had gone to great lengths to keep it under wraps. Emma made a mental note that Regina was exceptional at her job if even she couldn’t find anything.  
  
  
Regina explained though, that usually the threats were directed to whatever lady he was currently sleeping with. His female fan base didn’t respond well to him dating, not that what he did could be considered dating. This time though, it was Killian who was receiving the threats. Regina made sure that Killian’s assistant, a man named Smee, intercepted all of the threats, and that Killian had no idea.  
  
  
She was dodgy about the reasons when asked, but Robin spoke up agreeing with her that it was in everyone’s best interest that Killian not find out. They explained that Regina had mentioned it in passing to Robin one night over diner but neither of them took the threat that seriously. Fans loved to write outlandish things for attention. It wasn’t until one of Will’s informants told him that he heard a hit had been ordered on Killian that they realized how serious the situation was.  
  
  
After months of investigating, they still didn’t know much. They hadn’t figured out who had ordered Killian’s assassination yet, only that it had been accepted. It was Ruby and Emma that stumbled across Tamara while investigating another case and the pieces started to come together.  
  
  
She was rumored to have ties to a Boston mob family, and her name had come up while interrogating the lead suspect of another murder for hire. They had ultimately ruled her out in that case, but something about her stuck with Emma. When she ran some details through her confidential informants, she learned that Tamara had moved back to Boston from New York and had possibly accepted a hit that had been ordered, but the informants were too afraid to ask questions, and Emma knew she wouldn’t get anymore out of them.  
  
  
When Emma called up the Boston office to give them a heads up she was transferred to Robin. After explaining the situation, Robin informed her that he believed she was connected to his case and invited Emma and her partner to come join the investigation.  
  
  
Tamara was smart though, and clearly well funded. She purchased everything in cash leaving no money trail, and no statements of purchase. She had taken up a bar tending job at the Rusty Anchor as a front, but had apparently quit as soon as she found out that she was going to be on the show. Robin believed that she took a job there knowing that Killian frequented the bar, but left after getting better access to him.  
  
  
Hopefully Emma or Ruby could find something that linked her to the hit, or to the person who ordered it.  
  
  
“Okay guys, I think we’re all set here,” Graham stated as her stood from his chair to stretch.  
  
  
“Oi, before anyone leaves, I think we should have a group outing tonight at the Rusty Anchor. It’ll be like a last hurrah before we all go under house arrest. What do you lot say?”  
  
  
Emma was finding it easier to understand Will after the last few weeks working together. Initially she found his poor use of the English language annoying, but now it was enduring.  
  
  
Ruby shot Emma a wink. “We’re in! What time?”  
  
  
Emma wanted to be upset with her partner, but couldn’t find it in herself. They had spent every waking hour that week huddled in their make shift office, or in the conference room. When they weren’t at work they were trying to get a couple of hours of shuteye in their hotel room, all too tired to do anything else.  
  
  
Graham joined in, “How about we shoot for eight?”  
  
  
“Well looky there,” Will stated giving Robin a sly grin. “He is a real boy. We just assumed that you went in your office and powered down at night.”  
  
  
Graham had rarely attended any social gatherings outside of work. He liked to maintain some distance from the other agents to keep things professional. His voluntary attendance that night was about as rare as a goose laying a golden egg.  
  
  
“Ha, ha,” Graham shot back. “We’re all in for a long road ahead, and I think all of us could stand to use a night out first.” Graham emphasized the last bit while shoot a look to Emma before quickly averting his gaze back to Robin.  
  
  
“Sounds good.” Emma was actually a little excited. “We’ll see you boys there.”  
  
  
Everyone left work pretty quickly and Emma and Ruby headed back to their hotel. Emma showered and actually managed to shave her legs for a change. She had no intentions of doing anything with Graham, but that didn’t mean she couldn’t dress to impress. When she got out of the shower she wrapped herself in a towel before drying and curling her hair. She left her makeup light knowing that she’d be wearing way too much of it in the following weeks, but choose a bright red lip color. She wrestled through her suitcase before putting on some sexy black lace underwear and a matching bra, purely for the confidence factor. She threw on a short little black dress as well and waited for Ruby to join her.  
  
  
She didn’t have to wait long, and Ruby didn’t disappoint in the wow factor either. Ruby had on a long sleeved blue dress, but the lack of material on the bottom more than made up for the extra coverage up top.  
  
  
By the time both girls made it down stairs they had just enough time to hail a cab to the bar. When they walked in all three men where already at a table waiting for them, along with Regina. They ordered beers all around. The evening was pleasant. They shared stories of their more interesting cases, and most embarrassing moments. A few men tried to approach Emma and Ruby, but they both politely declined enjoying the company they were in too much.  
  
  
About three hours had passed when Robin got a call. Without looking at the caller ID he answered.  
  
  
“Locksley.”  
  
  
“Hey,” came a familiar voice. “What is all of that noise? Wait, are you at the bar?” He sounded a little hurt.  
  
  
“Ya,” Robin replied sheepishly. “Sorry. We’re having a bit of a work outing mate.”  
  
  
There was a pause before Killian spoke up again. “And you didn’t invite me because?”  
  
  
Robin slumped down in his chair groaning and catching the attention of the others.  
  
  
“I’m sorry, I just assumed you were busy getting ready for tomorrow.” Robin was quick on his feet, a good quality in their line of work.  
  
  
“Well, I’m going to assume Regina is there with you, and she could have easily pointed out that I am, in fact, not busy. I believe I also heard a few female voices in the background? Are you afraid I’m going to alienate your lovely lady colleagues?” Robin could tell that Killian was trying to disguise the pain in his voice with lusty innuendo.  
  
  
When Robin didn’t say anything Killian continued. “Look, if I promise to be on my best behavior can I come? It’s my last night of freedom and I’d like to hang out with you guys before I get fed to the beast, and before you answer you should know I’m already walking over there.”  
  
  
Emma saw Robin’s eyes shoot wide. “Um, ya, sounds great. I think of couple of the guys were just about to leave, but Will and I can hang around for a bit still.”  
  
  
Robin finished the call and then turned to tell everyone at the table that Killian would be there in a couple of minutes. Ruby and Emma took that as their cue to leave so Killian wouldn’t recognize them the next day. Both ladies were halfway down the block when Emma realized she had left her phone on the table.  
  
  
She ran back quickly hoping to get in and out before Killian arrived. She was met at the door by Graham, who had found her phone and was attempting to return it before she got too far. Before she could thank him she saw Killian rounding the corner heading straight for them.  
  
  
She panicked. He couldn’t see her so she did the only thing she could think of. She grabbed Graham by the lapels of his jacket and crashed her lips into his, hoping to hide her face from Killian’s view.  
  
  
After seeing Killian make his way inside, she let Graham go, and he stumbled back a few steps. She couldn’t help the way her tongue darted out to lick her lips after.  
  
  
“Wow,” was all he managed to get out.

 

* * *

  
  
Killian had been in hell all week. Regina had written him scripted answers to give to all of the interviewers. They asked him questions about his past and his goals for the future. They asked him why he had decided to do the show. He recited Regina’s words perfectly and the girl interviewers swooned over him.  
  
  
He spent a full day in a studio in front of a camera taking pictures of him in different suits holding red roses. By the time he left that night he was sure he’d never see again from all of the flashes.  
  
  
His breaking point came when Regina explained to him how the elimination process would work. He would have time to interact with all of the women, and at the end of the week there would be a rose ceremony, where he would present a single red rose to each of the women lucky enough to pass through to the next round.  
  


In the beginning he was under the assumption that he would get to choose the women who stayed each week. It wasn’t until Regina informed him that morning how it really worked that he’d lost it and dove back into the rum.  
  


Killian would be allowed to give them a list of the women that he wanted to stay, but the final decisions would be up the network based on viewer comments. If there a tie between the women based on viewer demands, they would look to Killian’s list to see who would stay.  
  


When Regina left, Killian went straight to his bar and grabbed a half open bottle, downing it as quickly as he could. He stumbled over to the couch where he passed out for the rest of the day. By the time he woke up it was almost eleven at night.  
  


He got up and went for his phone to see if he had missed any calls or texts, but his phone taunted him with the fact that he didn’t have any friends. Outside of Robin and Will that was actually true. He had succeeded at driving everyone else away.  
  


He had to admit, his life was lonely, and he was a little bothered by the fact that neither of his two best friends had tried to invite him out for a last night out. He knew that they were often busy with work, but remembered them saying that they were gearing up for a sting the next morning, meaning they should still be free tonight.  
  


He called Will first but it went straight to voicemail. He called Robin next and when he answered he could barely hear him over all of the background noise. He heard a couple of females laughing hard at something, and then Will’s voice in the background.  
  


He didn’t even bother waiting for Robin to say anything before heading down to the bar, still wearing his clothes from that morning. He was hurt, but even more than that, he was angry.  
  


He hung up with Robin as he reached the lobby of his building. He wanted to launch into the guys for excluding them. He found himself almost jogging to bar.  
  


As he rounded the corner he saw Graham Humbert, Robin and Will’s boss outside. He found his anger subsiding a bit, realizing that Robin had told the truth when he said it was a work thing.  
  


He considered saying hello to Graham but before he could, Graham had found himself otherwise occupied and Killian couldn’t help but grin as he walked past. It didn’t take him long to find the table where everyone, including Regina was sat. There were empty beer bottles all over the place.  
  


Killian sat down nodding at both men.  
  


“Was that your boss I saw outside?” He already knew the answer but was trying to make small talk, having been a little embarrassed at his earlier attitude.  
  


Will held his phone up in the air. “Ya. He just got called back into work for an emergency though.”  
  


“Ah,” Killian grinned back. “I never realized that Graham Humbert was the type of guy that considered making out with leggy blondes an emergency.”

  
Robin spat out his beer all over the table.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always you can come yell at me on tumblr: wellhellotragic


	3. 3

Killian was up bright and early on set. It wasn’t really a set though. The location the studio had chosen for filming was a palatial mansion on the Boston coastline. As he toured the grounds he couldn’t help but notice that there was a beautiful view of the ocean from the back of the property but the path there was isolated. He made a mental note, sighting that it would be a great place for privacy.

 

On the way back to the front of the estate they passed a stable that was actively housing a few horses. His tour guide, a peppy pixie haired production assistant, told him that a few of his one on one dates would include horseback riding.

 

They returned to the main complex where she pointed out a few rooms to Killian, including the kitchen, formal dinning room, and living room. She explained to him that the mansion consisted of twelve bedrooms and the girls would be bunking there.

 

Killian would be staying in a separate guesthouse further back on the property. It would give him privacy from the contestants. He was given strict instructions not to allow any of the ladies in the guesthouse.

 

Before being released Killian was introduced to filming crew. There was a large man named John, who was in charge of the sound operation. A fellow named David was behind the primary camera. The director, Anton, was basically a giant. Killian realized that aside from his tour guide, all of the film crew members were males.

 

After his tour was finished, Killian was banished to the guesthouse he would be calling home for the next couple of months. Mary Margaret rationalized that the contestants would be arriving soon and they wanted to keep everyone secluded before his big reveal to the ladies.

 

Killian went back to the guesthouse where he’d be trapped for most of the afternoon. It wasn’t quite as large as his penthouse, but it was plenty of square footage for him to survive in for a few months. It wasn’t nearly as modern either, or as up to date as the main house. Most of the furniture appeared to be civil war era and there was girly wallpaper randomly spread out throughout the rooms.

 

He went to the small kitchenette searching through each of the cabinets and drawers desperate for any type of alcohol to dull his anxiety. Killian Jones was a one-night stand guy, not a relationship guy, at least not anymore. He hardly ever even remembered the name of the women he brought home. The idea of ‘dating’ the same women over and over made his stomach churn.

 

Unable to find anything stronger than water, he collapsed on his bed, resigning himself to the idea that he no longer had any control over his life.

 

* * *

 

The next morning was awkward for Emma. Graham had mistaken their kiss for something more than it was and Emma had felt awful about it. Given her flirting over the past week how could he not have thought it was real, and maybe there was a small part of her that wanted to try him on for size. While she had enjoyed the feeling of his lips against hers, the feeling of having someone desire her, she had to admit there was nothing beyond the warmth he gave her. There was no spark. She could have kissed anyone and felt the same.

 

She and Graham had discussed it. She apologized for hurling herself at him, and explained that she was trying to hide from Killian. Graham for his part admitted that he had enjoyed it more than he should have, and that he was developing feelings for her. Emma told that she had just gotten out of a long-term relationship. He said her that he understood that it wasn’t something she wanted right now, or something that he could do as her superior, but added that while he respected her decision, if she changed her mind after the case was over, he’d be waiting for her.

 

Graham and Emma agreed to keep things professional from that point on. They were both adults after all, and when they each left to go home that night, things seemed fine. When she and Ruby made it into the office, something felt off though. The two of them avoided each other when possible and didn’t speak unless it was work related.

 

The tension didn’t go unnoticed by the others either.

 

“So Swan,” Will boomed catching the attention of everyone in the room. “I see you got your phone back.” Will glanced over to Robin who was smiling down at the table. “Is there anything you’d like to share with the class?”

 

Emma choked on the air she was breathing. Ruby patted her on the back trying to help her, while taking in the expressions of everyone in the room. Will’s face was smug, Robin was holding back laughter, and Graham was beet red.

 

“Um,” Ruby started. “What’s going on?”

 

“Nothing,” Emma and Graham both yelled too quickly.

 

Will had a mischievous twinkle in his eyes. “So are we to believe that you weren’t the lovely lass Killian saw snogging Graham?”

 

“What?!” Ruby’s shout was shrill.

 

Emma face planted into the conference table.

 

Graham was still bright red but was trying to regain his composure. “Yes and no,” he started. Will, Robin, and Ruby all narrowed their eyes at him. “Yes Killian saw Emma and I kissing, but no, we weren’t really kissing. We were just trying to ensure that he didn’t see her face and ruin her cover.”

 

“And what,” Ruby asked turning to Emma, whose face was still resting on the table. “The best way to hide from him was jamming your tongues down each other’s throats. You couldn’t have just turned around?”

 

Emma finally lifted her head to look at the other agents sitting at the table. Aside from Graham, they were all smiling and laughing, holding back their tears.

 

“Ha, ha,” she finally replied. “I panicked, okay. Yes, it happened, yes I’m now humiliated, and yes, I’d like to pretend this never happened.”

 

Everyone continued to laugh for a few more minutes before Graham was able to wrangle everyone back in.

 

Around noon Emma and Ruby made their way to the mansion with their suitcases full of clothes and gear. The other agents had already planted a few bugs around the house, including the room that Tamara was assigned to, so that Will and Robin could listen in from the surveillance van. The van was disguised as a film storage van so they could stay on the property without raising too much suspicion.

 

Emma and Ruby both had their own communication devices so they could talk with Will and Robin from wherever they were in the mansion. The girls were given the same tour of the grounds that Killian had had that morning before returning to the mansion to get ready.

 

Both Emma and Ruby were assigned to the same room so they could have discretion to talk about the case without prying eyes. With their stuff unpacked they began to get ready for the reveal party that evening.

 

“You have got to be kidding me!”

 

Emma was fine with looking professional for work, and on occasion she dressed provocatively for a case, but this was different. She had never worn a full evening gown with heels before.

 

“Relax Em, it’s just for tonight. Haven’t you ever watched the show?” Ruby was almost bubbly at the idea of wearing a skintight red dress.

 

“I can happily say no,” Emma replied smugly. She preferred for her reality tv viewing to consist of home renovation shows, which Walsh always told her was silly. He said it was stupid since she leased her apartment so she couldn’t change anything even if she wanted to. Then there was the constant traveling, so she wouldn’t even be home to enjoy it.

 

 _Walsh_.

 

That thought further soured her mood.

 

“So today is the introduction,” Ruby said snapping her out of her thoughts. “So all of the girls dress up nice, and he’ll be dressed to the nines as well. They’ll introduce him to all of the girls and we’ll have some champagne. It’s basically just a mixer for everyone to get acquainted, nothing too personal yet.”

 

Emma mentally thanked the Gods that Ruby was coming with her. Otherwise she’d be completely lost and screw everything up before they even started. Emma was good at the long con, but normally it was a one on one setting. This would be with cameras and millions of people watching.

 

“After this it will be a little more casual. You still need to dress nice for any potential dates, but it’ll be more like going to a nice dinner, or a picnic in the park. And I saw that.”

 

Of course she did. Emma meant for Ruby to catch her eye roll. She had to admit though that Ruby had picked out some stunning gowns for them. Emma’s only concern was the color Ruby had picked out for her.

 

“Are you sure this dress isn’t a little too,” she paused and raised her eyebrows for affect, “bridal style?”

 

Ruby giggled, “Perhaps, but maybe that’s the point. Just think of it was subliminal messaging.”

 

Emma sighed and sat back on the bed trying to mentally prepare herself for all of the women and their snide remarks she was sure she’d get.

 

* * *

 

Around six that evening Killian found two hair and makeup girls at his door. He considered flirting with them, but in the end he decided to steady himself, knowing that he’d have to force being charming for the next fours hours.

 

It didn’t stop the makeup girl from giggling as she passed one of her brushes dangerously low on his neck. Killian thanked both women as they left only to find that they had quickly been replaced by wardrobe.

 

They had chosen a simple black tux for him to wear that evening stating that it was neutral enough to match any of the girls’ dresses. The network didn’t want viewers to think they were already favoring some ladies.

 

He dressed quickly and the wardrobe assistant fussed over him, trying to smooth out imaginary wrinkles and pull off imaginary lint.

 

Finally Killian was left on his own to wait until all of the women had been corralled into one of the rooms in the mansion. There was a grand staircase that lead to the room and he was to welcome everyone and make a small speech at the top of the stairs, before heading down to meet all of the women.

 

When the time arrived and Killian heard the knock on his door his stomach began doing somersaults. He had been dreading this since the moment he resigned himself to signing the contract. Even if the whole thing was for show, and he wasn’t actually going to be engaged to one of these women, he felt like he was committing the ultimate betrayal.

 

Mary Margaret loaded him onto a golf cart and took him back up to the main compound. She led him up what she labeled the butlers stairwell to the top floor, stopping him just outside of view of the grand staircase.

 

“Wait here for a second and I’ll address the ladies really fast just to get their attention and give them instructions. Then I’ll come back for you.”

 

He nodded unable to form words as she stepped away. He could hear her muffled voice calling for all of the women to be quiet. She gave them instructions on how to react when Killian appeared, citing that the viewers really liked it when the girls gasped and jumped up and down.

 

She gave a few more directions before coming back for him.

 

* * *

 

This was hell. There was nothing else it could have been. Twenty-three other women were milling around the room in their best dresses and most expensive jewels. Emma and Ruby had been instructed to mingle with the other contestants and try to forge some friendships to help them blend in.

 

As she wandered around the room holding her glass of champagne she felt an arm wrap around her shoulders.

 

“Come on Em. It’s not like your marching to your death here.”

 

Of course Ruby would be in her element here. She was a social butterfly by nature and loved people watching.

 

Just then, Mary Margaret appeared giving the girls instructions to stay quiet for now, but to jump up and down and scream when Killian arrived. He appeared at the top of the stairs soon after and smiled down at all of the women. He paused for a moment, and Emma saw something in that pause. It was as if he were willing himself to want these women. Soon, his face shifted though and he was suddenly ready to devour each of them. He made a speech about how excited he was for all of them to be there, and how much he looked forward to getting to know them all.

 

He made his way down the stairs and was immediately surrounded by women. Admittedly, he cleaned up nicely. Even in the bar he had been handsome, but then he opened his mouth and ruined it. Emma could understand why the women were all so taken with him. None of them had heard him speak before, that or they were all brain dead fame seekers.

 

“I’m about two seconds away from breaking this glass and shoving the stem into my eye.” Emma growled out. She heard chuckles in her ear coming from the two men in the van.

 

“Oi.” Obviously Will. “Come on Swan, you’re living out my dream in there, while I’m stuck here, peeing in a bottle. Please let me live vicariously through you.”

 

Emma took a deep breath and whispered ‘shut up’ under her breath garnering her more chuckles. She felt Ruby latch onto her arm, dragging her across the room, making her almost spill her champagne.

 

They approached a group of girls and Ruby wasted no time introducing the two of them. “Hi ladies. My name is Ruby Wolfe, and this is my friend Emma Fowler.” She held out her arm, shaking each woman’s hand as they introduced themselves. The first was a sweet young woman named Elsa Arendelle. She was stunning, and even without her heels would have towered over Emma. Her hair was much lighter than Emma’s and her eyes were as blue as glaciers, a perfect match to the blue gown she wore. Next up was Belle French, who also happened to be from France. She made a joke about showing Killian a few French things she could do while glancing over at him, which made Emma want to gag. Lastly there was a woman named Mulan something or another. Emma couldn’t help but notice that Mulan was watching Ruby far more than the man of the hour.

 

The women continued introducing themselves and telling each other about their jobs and where they were from. Just as they finished, Emma noticed Killian making his way to her group, and excused herself to go meet everyone else.

 

Each time Emma made her way through the introductions she found that Killian was heading her way. He was really taking this meet everyone thing seriously. Emma knew he had to be enjoying all of this attention. All of the women in the room were swooning over him, even Ruby. Well everyone except for Mulan, Emma thought.

 

As she moved around the room she felt like she was beginning to suffocate. Between Robin and Will’s chirping in her ear, Ruby bugging her to be nicer and more outgoing, and all of the ambient noise of the room, she felt like she was drowning in a see of bodies. She needed fresh air soon. Luckily it was only ten more minutes before Mary Margaret reappeared telling them that they were done for the evening and had enough footage. She told them they could mingle for a little longer if they wanted to, but weren’t required to be there anymore if they wanted to turn in for the night.

 

Emma made a break for it moving to the nearest exit she could find.

 

* * *

 

Killian watched as the blonde siren left the room alone. From the moment he saw her from the top of the staircase, she had become a beckon in the night. He found her on the outskirts of the room talking to a few other ladies while glancing around the room, taking everything in. As he made his way down the stairs towards her though he was accosted by a group of women all telling him how dashing he was and how sexy his voice was. One girl even asked him to sing for them. When he decline she offered to do karaoke with him on a date.

 

He had to worm his way out of their group to continue searching for the woman in the light gown. He found her, but just as he made his way to her, she disappeared, and he was forced to listen to women gush over him again. It was nothing he hadn’t heard before. Girls at the bar told him the same things before he brought them home, but here, in that room, it was overwhelming and all so fake. Every time he found her, she would move on. He and she repeated their dance for the rest of the night, never meeting up.

 

She was a challenge he was all too happy to accept. He politely excused himself from the last group of ladies that had gathered around him after Mary Margaret wrapped them for the night. He was almost out of the room before he thought better and doubled back to a waiter to grab two glasses of champagne off a tray before heading back in the direction she went.

 

He wandered down a hallway trying to remember where all he had been on the tour. Everything had been a blur that morning and none of it seemed familiar. Just as he was about to give up hope and head back, he heard the soft clicking noise of a door ahead.

 

He continued on before coming to a set of French doors surrounded by a wall of floor to ceiling windows. He definitely hadn’t been down here before. He quietly slipped through the doors and what he found took his breath away. It was a huge balcony overlooking the back gardens, and just past that he could see the dimly lit docks, which provided just enough light to see the waves rolling in.

 

The site of the blonde leaning against the balcony wall certainly didn’t hurt either.

 

“Gorgeous.”

 

She jumped obviously unaware that anyone had joined her.

 

“And I wasn’t just referring to the landscape.”

 

She looked back at him briefly before returning her gaze to the gardens. He walked forward tentatively before settling on a spot about three feet away from her against the wall. He held out his hand to offer her one of the glasses of champagne, which she gladly accepted.

 

“It would seem that you’ve been avoiding me,” He tried not to take her silence as off putting.

 

“I haven’t been avoiding anything,” she replied in almost a whisper.

 

“I’m quite perceptive you know, and this,” he waved his hand around acknowledging their secluded surroundings, “is avoidance. I thought tonight was all about meeting everyone, but every time I’ve walked up to a group you’ve been in you’ve run off somewhere else.”

 

She gave him the smallest of smiles. “I’m surprised you noticed. I would have thought that we’d all have blended in together in your mind. In case you haven’t noticed there a lot more blondes in there than just me.” She finally angled her body to face him lifting her glass to her lips.

 

He raised his eyebrows at her before saying “Don’t I know it.”

 

The words earned him a dramatic eye roll from her. There was something familiar about her but he couldn’t place it. He furrowed his forehead in concentration.

 

“What?” She scrunched up her face in contemplation of him.

 

“I’m just having the oddest sense of déjà vu.” As he said it he cocked his head to the side as if the motion would help everything fall into place in his mind.

 

She gave him a sly grin before taking another sip of her drink. “It’s the universe talking.”

 

“I’m sorry?” It wasn’t a statement as much as a desire for her to continue. He took a small step towards her trying to encourage her.

 

“It’s this thing someone told me once.” Her words were soft and there was a little bit of sadness echoing through. She turned back towards the garden. “So there’s this idea that there are an infinite number of universes, all containing the same people, but what makes them all different is the paths that we take. In one universe a couple gets married, in another they break up. Each different path leads to another choice, creating more possible outcomes, and more universes, but sometimes, despite all of the choices we could make in life, we find every version of ourselves in the same place at the same time. For just one split second, you can feel it through time and space, like an echo. It’s like for just a brief moment, you’re exactly where you’re meant to be, but then everything starts over again. Or at least it goes something like that.”

 

Even without seeing her whole face he could tell the hurt that must be dancing behind her eyes. He felt a kindredness for her in that moment. He waited, not knowing how to respond. Choosing to break the tension he leaned in towards her.

 

“So you’re telling me, or the universe is telling me, that at this exact moment I’m supposed to be doing you.” She snorted and he immediately saw the flush crawling up from her neck into her face, even in the dark.

 

“Easy tiger,” her coyness had returned. “I never said I believed it.”

 

He laughed in response before turning back to the garden himself. “I actually quite like that theory.”

 

“Ya?”

 

“Yes. I’d like to think that if, for even only a second, I’ve found myself where I’m meant to be, that it means I haven’t strayed as far off my path as I thought I had.”

 

She contemplated his words for a moment before agreeing. “Hmm, I guess I’ve never thought of it that way. I kind of like that idea.”

 

They both remained still for a few more moments taking in the way the stars glistened across the water. He felt that perhaps her walls might have been coming down.

 

“I didn’t catch your name by the way.”

 

“That’s because I didn’t give it.” He could see the moment the defenses began reforming.

 

“Let’s start over. I’m Killian Jones.” He held out his hand for her, which she took reluctantly. He brought hers up to his lips and placed a gentle kiss across her knuckles.

 

“And I am the woman who’s going to bed now.” Her eyes blew wide at the realization of her words and their double meaning as he raised his eyebrows at her. “Alone I might add.”

 

She removed her hand from his and walked back to the french doors. Just before ducking in she turned back to him.

 

“It’s Emma by the way.”

 

Then she was gone and Killian was left standing alone with the biggest grin on his face. For the first time in two years, he felt it.

 

Hope.

 

* * *

 

Once Emma had returned to her room she took her earpiece out setting it on her nightstand and changed out of her dress into a tank top and comfortable shorts. She washed the makeup off her face and brushed her teeth in the adjoining bathroom. Just as she was tucking herself into her bed Ruby shot up from under her own covers.

 

“Spill!”

 

Ruby had heard everything through Emma’s com device.

 

“There’s nothing to tell, really.” That was her story and she was sticking to it, rationalizing that the flutter in her stomach was only caused by too much alcohol on an empty stomach, and not by how well his tux fit his perfectly toned body, or the depth of his blue eyes, or even the light scar on his cheek that she wanted to brush her thumb over. No, it was the alcohol only.

 

“Uh huh. It’s late and I’m tired so I’ll let you have this one,” Ruby yawned out. “For now, but this isn’t over, Emma Swan.”

 

Ruby laid back and her breathing evened out quickly. Emma finally fell into a fitful nights sleep plagued with nightmares of bad memories.

 

> _Neal Cassidy. He was relentless in his attempt to win a first date with her. The first time he came up to her was at a table in the diner around the street from her work. He slid into the booth across from her without asking and smiled at her._
> 
> _“Sorry, but what kind of man would I be if I left a woman in distress?” Emma was taken aback. “I would hardly consider myself in distress.”_
> 
> _He smiled back before adding, “You were eating alone, which is just pitiful. Really, I’m saving you from a lifetime of loneliness and hundreds of cats in your old age.”_
> 
> _This guy was awful.  
>  _
> 
> _“Don’t worry, I’m in no danger there. I’ve always been more of a dog person. Now if you don’t mind.” She stood up from the table, left a few bills for her meal and tip, and headed back to the office._
> 
> _The next day she returned to the diner and he slid in across from her again. After that she avoided eating there for a few days before eventually returning the following Monday. When she walked in she looked over the diner to make sure he wasn’t there. Feeling safe, she sat down in her favorite spot and ordered her usual. No sooner had she ordered he was there again._
> 
> _“You know, I’m getting the oddest sense of déjà vu, like I’ve rejected you before.”  
>  _
> 
> _Her arms were crossed over her chest and he just leaned back and gave a hearty laugh.  
>  _
> 
> _“You know, there’s this whole theory about déjà vu and the universe…”_

 

Emma woke with a lump in her throat and tears in her eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always you can yell at me on tumblr: wellhellotragic


	4. 4

 

Killian didn’t make it to bed until almost three in the morning. After his encounter with Emma, he returned to find the production crew waiting for him. They insisted that he do his interviews that night while he was still dressed up and while all of the women were still fresh in his mind.

 

The truth though, was that Emma was right. Most of the women did blur together after the first five minutes of the evening. The only ones who really stuck out were the ones that were over the top inappropriate, like the girl from New Orleans who grabbed his butt talking about how he could give her some pointers on some sticky buns for her restaurant.

 

And then there was Emma. As soon as he laid his eyes on her he felt drawn to her by an invisible force. She wasn’t like the rest of them and he was entranced. She didn’t seem fazed by his fame or money, and their short conversation had been the most stimulating exchange he had had in months, years maybe, but he wouldn’t let himself think about that.

 

Their interaction that night had been brief, but he couldn’t help but think that maybe this whole experience wouldn’t be as horrible as he expected. Who knows, maybe the others would be less exasperating in a more intimate setting.

 

There was a special room set up near the front of the mansion with cameras and lighting already in position. David had him sit in a wingback chair near a roaring fireplace so they could adjust the lighting for filming.

 

Off to the side, out of the view of the camera, was a man named Sebastian. He was holding a stack of headshots to help Killian remember who each woman from that evening was. The interview consisted of asking the same question about every single contestant there. The network would choose four or five of his answers from that episode to run in the promo. 

 

It took all of his strength to fake interest in any of it. He was supposed to be a guy looking for love and thrilled at the prospect of meeting his soul mate. In reality he was simply a heartbroken man who no longer believed in love, at least for him. When he lost Milah, he swore off relationships out of respect to her and what they had. No other woman would ever compare to her.

 

When the interviewer held up a portrait of the last woman, Emma Fowler, he couldn’t contain the grin that overtook his face. The interviewer not missing the first real bit of sincerity Killian had showed all night jumped, asking more questions about Emma than any of the other girls.

 

“So,” he started, “I’d ask if there were any women that might be front-runners at this point, but judging by the way you just lit up I think we have our answer. What is it about Emma that stuck out to you?”

 

Once the interviewer had asked the question, Killian realized what was happening. He felt an attraction for Emma that surpassed anything physical. Even after knowing her for only five minutes he could tell she was sharp and witty, and there had been something about her that shouted to him that she might even understand him. That she had experienced pain too. Those were dangerous thoughts though and he had to shut them down.

 

Emma could be a fun distraction while he was trapped filming the show, but it couldn’t go beyond that, wouldn’t go beyond that. He had already found and lost his true love, and would never be ready to move on; he could never disrespect what they had together.

 

“Um, I wouldn’t say there were any front-runners per say. I met the women briefly tonight but haven’t really had the chance to get to know them yet.”

 

He was coy for the rest of the interview, and when they finally wrapped, he was taken back to he guesthouse where he quickly passed out from exhaustion.

 

* * *

 

Emma barely slept. Images of Neal and his broken promises haunted her all night. It had taken Emma years to trust a man again, only to have that trust thrown back in her face. What she had with Neal was a lie, Walsh was a lie, and now whatever she was forced to forge with Killian was going to be a lie.

 

Killian was easier though. She wouldn’t get her heart broken this time because she wouldn’t let him in. Last night, telling him about the déjà vu theory was a fluke. She never meant to give him something so honest, but with everyone whispering in her ear to be nice to Killian it just slipped out.

 

Ruby had reminded her that there were eyes everywhere watching their every move, and she needed to stay in character, which meant playful banter with Killian.

 

Robin told her that despite all of Killian’s false bravado, he was actually a decent guy underneath it all. When Killian mentioned the odd feeling, Robin was certain that Killian had recognized her, while Will told her to distract him before he could put it together.

 

So many voices were swirling around and it was the first thought that came to mind. As soon as she said it all of the pain came flooding back and she cursed herself for allowing Neal into her thoughts, into her life. When he told her that he liked the idea, and that perhaps it meant he wasn’t as lost as he thought, she sensed sincerity in his words. In that moment he wasn’t the womanizing pig from the other night. He was just a handsome stranger sharing a meaningful conversation, and she felt a spark of something between them when she saw the way he looked at her.

 

No, Emma wouldn’t let another man into her life, as tempting as he may have been, even if it were only for a few months. It was safer that way. Of course, he probably hadn’t even given her a second thought after that. There were so many faces last night, he would never be able to pick her out of crowd, and that made her feel just a tiny bit better.

 

Emma got out of bed and tiptoed around the room trying not to wake Ruby. She changed into some workout gear and snuck her way of out the house. Typically the girls on the show were forced to remain in the house, only being allowed to leave for special occasions, and always under supervision.

 

Since Emma and Ruby weren’t actual contestants, they had a little more leniency, citing that they needed to keep up their physical activities and meet covertly with their team. They still had to keep it a secret from everyone so she and Ruby would have to be careful sneaking in and out of the house without anyone noticing.

 

Regina explained that by isolating the girls from the world, it would heighten their emotional responses, making them desperate for Killian, and therefore provide more entertainment. Ruby chimed in, adding that it meant more catfights, meltdowns, and ultimately more pinning for Killian.

 

Emma coined it for what it was, psychological torture. There were no phones or computers allowed. The girls only had each other for company, making male companionship all that more desirable. Remembering that she would have to compete in humiliating contests made her angrier.

 

The fury building up helped to push her through an extra two miles of her run. She had found a slightly overgrown trail that lead to some docks at the back of the property. There was a small boathouse at one end of the decking, but no boats moored. It was the perfect place to hide when everything became too much.

 

She sat on the end of the dock, letting her legs dangle over the edge almost able to dip her shoes into the water. She stayed there watching the sunrise. It would probably be the only relaxing time she would get for the rest of the day. The smell and sounds of the waves crashing against the bulkhead were intoxicating, and she had to summon all of her will to stand up. People would start waking up soon and she needed to get back before she was missed.

 

She stretched out the muscles that had stiffened before turning back, just in time to hear voices approaching.

 

She heard a female voice yell out, “Race you there,” followed by male laughter.

 

She looked around to see if there was another trail to take back but there wasn’t. Perhaps if she kept her head down he would be too entranced with his new running mate to notice her.

 

“Hey, fancy meeting you here.” It was Ruby, panting hard. Ruby had never been much of a runner. She preferred pilates and kickboxing. In fact she only ever ran in preparations for her annual physicals at the bureau.

 

“Emma?” Killian looked surprised.

 

Emma glanced between the two of them as they traded guilty glances, and a small ember of jealousy began to form. She suddenly understood why Ruby was so willing to make an exception to her running rule.

 

“I should have known you’d be out here when I saw your empty bed this morning,” Ruby said.

 

Killian did a double take between the two ladies. “Wait, are you two roommates?”

 

Emma didn’t answer so Ruby spoke up for her.

 

“Ya, she’s actually my best friend. I had to beg her to come with me so I wasn’t alone in this house with all of these crazy girls.”

 

He made a face as he looked at Emma. It was a face she has seen far too often on Neal. The guilt ridden ‘I’m sorry’ face, but I’m really only sorry that I got caught. Of course he was still just a guy, after anything with boobs. Of course she didn’t mean anything to him. Of course last night had just been part of the game.

 

Game. Face. On.

 

“Ya, sorry, I couldn’t sleep and I didn’t want to wake you, but I’m about to head back so we won’t have to fight for the shower.” She didn’t even wait to see Ruby’s expression before turning back to trail and taking off, running as fast as she could, creating as much distance between them as possible.

 

As she was leaving she heard Ruby call after Killian, before he made some sort of joke about her trying to get him all hot and bothered.

 

She showered, changed into a sweatshirt and leggings, leaving her damp hair down to dry naturally making sure her ear com was well hidden, and went into the kitchen where she was met with the smell of fresh coffee. There where two women sitting at the bar with steaming mugs. She immediately recognized Elsa by her platinum blonde bun, but didn’t identify the girl next to her until she came around the island to grab herself a cup. It was Tamara.

 

Both ladies got quiet so Emma went into undercover mode.

 

“Looks like great minds thing alike,” she stated holding up her now full mug. Elsa and Tamara followed suit toasting their mugs in the air as well. Emma sat down across the island from them breathing in her coffee.

 

It was Tamara that finally broke the awkward silent standoff they seemed to have been having. “So, anyone have a clue what they’ve got in store for us today?”

 

“I overheard some of the production crew talking last night. I didn’t catch all of it, but they said something about making sure the kitchen was fully stocked for today. I guess we’re having a big group meal?” Elsa was taking animatedly with her heads, clearly proud of herself for having the inside scoop.

 

“Morning Swan,” Robin chirped merrily before Will chimed in. “Did you have lovely dreams about anyone.”

 

Emma grumbled to herself, but not quietly enough.

 

Tamara raised one eyebrow at her. “Ah, I get it. Group dates not your thing? Can’t wait to get him all alone?”

 

Maybe it was just Emma’s cynicism leaking through but she was sure Tamara’s words were searing with contempt.

 

Emma forced the corners of he mouth to tug up. “You caught me.”

 

Before she could say anything more she heard Ruby in her ear. “Emma, remember we need her to trust us. I’m on my way down.” Trust was a four-letter word. Like she trusted Ruby to have her back, before she saw her sneaking around with Killian that morning.

 

A pang of guilt washed over her. Deep down Emma knew that she could trust Ruby with anything, even her life. And as far as Killian went, he wasn’t hers. She didn’t even want him she reminded herself. Ruby was just doing her job, giving him a reason to keep her around, while also making sure Tamara wasn’t alone with him.

 

“Personally, I’d love to see a catfight. Maybe you could throw some pillows in while it’s still early and everyone’s in the nighties. Come on, Swan, you know you could take her.”

 

She heard a thumping noise followed by an “oi, wud ya do that for” and forced herself not to snicker.

 

Robin’s voice came over the line next. “Sorry, Swan, ignore him.”

 

As Ruby arrived she grabbed a glass and some orange juice from the fridge and settled on a bar stool next to Emma, before more girls started trickling downstairs.

 

Twenty minutes later Mary Margaret appeared. “Okay ladies, you have thirty minutes to get ready and meet back here in the kitchen. We’ll bring in Killian and he’ll explain what you’ll all be doing on your group dates today.”

 

She left as quickly as she disappeared and Emma found Ruby dragging her back upstairs. Ruby went to the closet and pulled out a sundress tossing it on Emma’s bed, turning back to grab some matching strappy wedges, before whirling back to grab an outfit for herself.

 

She instructed Emma to change into the dress as she did the same. Both Women did their hair and makeup in relative silence, which was unusual for them.

 

“Are we okay? Did I do something to upset you?” Ruby asked. 

 

Emma shut her eyes and threw her head back.

 

“No, it’s not you. I’m just stressed and honestly I was a little surprised to see you two together this morning.” Thinking better of her words and not wanting to seem jealous she added, “and I just thought people weren’t supposed to see us outside of the house.”

 

“What is she talking about, Ruby?” Robin’s tone was oddly serious. “Ruby, I know you’re a little free-spirited with your sexuality, but please tell me you didn’t sleep with him last night.”

 

“What,” she shrieked. “No, of course not. God, Locksley, you’ve been spending way too much time trapped in that van with Scarlett.”

 

“Hey,” Will shouted. “I resemble that remark.”

 

“Guys,” Emma cried out exasperatedly. “I didn’t mean it like that. I just saw them out jogging this morning.”

 

“Ugh, this is a huge clusterfuck.” Ruby sighed and fell back on her bed. “I didn’t mean to go jogging. I was trying to get to the van and he was heading off to the trails. He asked what I was doing and then made a crude joke about me not needed to hunt him down. I couldn’t tell him where I was really going so I told him I was just going for a quick jog and he invited himself along. I wasn’t even wearing the right bra for it, and now ‘the girls’ are screaming at me.”

 

* * *

 

Killian was in a good mood, a rarity as of late. He had intended to sleep in given how late he went to bed, but he woke with the first bit of light streaming through the window. He assumed it was due to the lack of alcohol, his body wasn’t used to being sober anymore. Regina had left strict instructions with the wait staff and film crew that Killian was not to have more than two drinks that night. She didn’t want him making an ass of himself in front of millions of viewers and editing could only do so much.

 

He also found that he had a lot of nervous energy still surging through his system from the previous night and needed to burn some of it off. Noticing that there was no workout equipment in his guesthouse, he decided going for a run would be the only option.

 

He strapped on his sneakers and headed out. About half a mile down though, he spotted one of the girls from the night before sneaking around. She was obviously trying to accidentally run into him. As he came closer and got a better view of her face he realized who she was. He couldn’t remember her name, but he certainly remembered her occupation. She was the lingerie model, and she certainly had the curves for it.

 

“And where might we be off to this fine morning?”

 

She jumped. He really needed to remember to clear his throat or something to announce his presence.

 

“Um.” She bounced on her feet looking around. “Please don’t tell anyone since we’re not supposed to leave but I was getting restless and really just wanted to get in a jog.”

 

“Okay then, after you.” She hadn’t exactly invited him along, but the whole reason she was even there was for him so of course she’d love his company.

 

She didn’t say anything, just started jogging slowly, painfully slowly. They may as well have been walking the trail. His only consolation was the view of her assets jiggling around as she bounced from foot to foot.

 

When they finally made their way to the docks, clearly not as private of an area as he would have imagined, he was shocked to see the blonde goddess already there. He wanted to talk to her, but his workout partner beat him to it.

 

He looked over to the panting girl next to him and back to Emma. Her face warped almost immediately. Was she jealous? Surely not, after all, last night she made it clear that she wasn’t entirely invested in winning the competition, or at least that’s how she made it seem. Maybe she did care.

 

Crap. Not only were they roommates but they were best friends and Emma was there unwillingly. This would make things more challenging if he wanted anything to happen with either of them. While Emma had plagued his thoughts all morning, he had pushed that idea deep into the back of his mind. He couldn’t allow her to be special, not for Milah.

 

She left quickly without saying much and the brunette next to him seemed unphased. She knew Emma better than anyone, and if she didn’t seemed bothered, then it must have meant Emma wasn’t bothered by them being together either. Why did that upset him?

 

When he returned to his guesthouse after his jog Mary Margaret was waiting for him. She gave him the schedule for the day, instructing him not to eat too much for breakfast. She told him she’d be back for him before the hour was up so he should shower and she’d send over hair, makeup, and wardrobe.

 

It didn’t take nearly as long to get ready this time. The hair lady let him keep his hair in the messy style he loved, and his outfit was much more relaxed. He got to pick between three shades of jeans, and then was handed a blue button down to match, which the wardrobe guy insisted looked better with the sleeves rolled up. The makeup girl still lingered though.

 

When Mary Margaret returned, he was all ready to go. She brought him into the kitchen where all of the ladies were already waiting. He scanned the room and found Emma in a back corner, standing with the model from that morning. He made a mental note that he was really going to have to learn some names soon.

 

Mary Margaret turned everything over to him so he could explain the challenge.

 

“Okay ladies,” he started. “I think we’ve all heard the age old adage that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. And we all know the whole reason we’re here is for one of you to try and win my heart.”

 

He could see all of ladies looking back and forth to each other nervously in anticipation.

 

“So with that in mind we’ve created your first challenge. This kitchen was fully stocked last night with all sorts of tasty ingredients.” He paused there to lick his lips per Mary Margaret’s instructions. “You’re challenge today is to create a dish that you think will amaze me, so I can get an idea of what it would be like to come home to you every day. You’ll have your choice of preparing an appetizer, main course dish, or dessert. You’ll break into three groups and each group will get a turn to impress me. The ladies who make the three least impressive dishes will be sent packing tonight.”

 

He turned to walk away so Mary Margaret could divide the girls into their groups. Just as he was about to leave the room he turned back and locked eyes with Emma.

 

“And ladies, don’t be afraid to, you know, really get in to it.” He winked and left.

 

* * *

 

The girls had been divided, Ruby, Emma, and Tamara all being in the last group. This way Emma and Ruby could keep an eye on her making sure she didn’t poison her dish somehow.

 

Emma found the entire thing degrading. The notion of a woman having to cook for a man to earn his affections was irritating and humiliating. It also didn’t help that Emma knew how to cook exactly three things.

 

Sensing her reluctance, Robin tried to give her an out. “Swan, we can walk you through a dish if you need. To be honest though, he really does prefer simple food.”

 

Emma whispered back under her breath that she was fine. She wasn’t going to put in a ton of effort, for him to only try two bites, especially since she knew she was already guaranteed to make it through the next round.

 

Emma settled on her most trusted dish, a grilled cheese sandwich. In an effort to look like she tried, she opted for some gouda cheese, sliced tomatoes, and a few basil leaves. Cooking it was easy enough, and soon she was helping Ruby frost some red velvet cupcakes.

 

Tamara seemed to struggle, clearly no better of a cook then Emma. By the time she was done she had flour all over her face and in her hair. When the time buzzer went off Killian returned.

 

Emma and Ruby had picked the two spots at the table furthest away from the door, making their dishes the last two of the day to be sampled.

 

As Killian made his way down the table he would either nod in acceptance, or grimace in horror. Most of the dishes seemed to agree with him, although one was burnt beyond recognition. When he got to the fifth contestant, the chef from New Orleans, he let out a moan signifying how good it was.

 

“You girls hear that?” Will asked. “That’s one of his sex noises.” 

 

Both girls let out very unlady like snorts before Robin joined in.

 

“Don’t ask how I know this, but he’s absolutely right, although it’s more of a foreplay moan, his full on sex moans are much louder.”

 

Just then Killian moaned again and Emma and Ruby nearly fell on the ground laughing.

 

Everyone looked over to them with scowls on their faces, although Killian seemed more curious than anything.

 

“Are you two okay over there?”

 

“Um.” Both of them were still dying with laughter, but it was Ruby who found her voice first. “Sorry, she just made a dirty joke.” She paused looking a Emma, whose eyes blew wide knowing exactly what was coming. “About how you might sound in bed.”

 

All of the girls started giggling and Killian turned bright red.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As Always you can come yell at me on tumblr: wellhellotragic


	5. 5

He felt the blood rushing to his face, among other places, as the embarrassment seeped it. Admittedly though, even the hint of Emma Fowler thinking about him in bed was enough to direct some of the blood flow elsewhere.

 

Emma had made it fairly clear the evening before though that she wasn’t the overly flirty type by nature, and Ruby had informed him that Emma was only there as a favor. She couldn’t actually be thinking about that, could she? No, this was a game, and in that moment he became determined to win.

 

As fast as Emma and her friend had erupted into laughter, they sobered up. He looked around and the production crew was still fighting off snickers and smirks. Thoroughly confused now, he looked to Mary Margaret, who nudged her head down the table as a sign of encouragement to keep going.

 

The next two dishes, while not awful, were lackluster at best. Some of the women had clearly gone all out trying to provide a Michelin Starred meal beyond their abilities, and then he came to the two girls on the end.

 

Game on.

 

“So.” he started, “What have we here?”

 

Ruby replied, “It’s a devil’s food cake!”

 

While giving Ruby a lust-filled smile he asked, “And may I assume that it tastes as sinful as you look?” He licked him bottom lip for emphasis. 

 

The woman in front of him blushed, and out of the corner of his eyes he could have sworn he saw Emma frown, but when he turned his head towards her, there was nothing but neutrality.

 

“You tell me.” Her voice was slightly lower.

 

He took a bite from a slice she had already carved, letting out a small smile.

 

“The best thing I’ve had in my mouth all day. I can’t wait to see what else you can do in the kitchen.” He wiggled his eyebrows.

 

Perhaps it was a bit more forward than he had been since the show started, but he was finally having some fun with it. Some of the women were attractive after all, even if they weren’t all that intelligent, but that’s what he needed he supposed. None of these women were going to be his wife at the end of this. Regina had already promised him as much, so why was he fighting this? These women were falling over themselves to be with him, and how could he deny them.

 

Then there was Emma. She was different from the rest in every way that mattered, and it terrified him. There was a tiny voice in the back of his mind telling him what it would be like to wake up in bed next to her each morning, for her green eyes to be the first thing he saw. He could see them sitting at his table eating breakfast together side by side. He could imagine her at the bar with Robin and Will giving them a hard time. No, that line of thought needed to end.

 

No. This is all it could ever be, this game being played between them. “Emma,” he said with just a slight warning.

 

She refused to meet his eyes keeping her gaze on the sandwich in front of her. Apparently she had no intention of speaking to him now either. He paused for a moment waiting for any sort of response from her, but nothing came.

 

Finally as he picked up the sandwich, a plan began to form in his mind. He let out a small purposeful moan. As he did so, he could see the red tinge in her cheeks rapidly darkening. He said nothing else to her.

 

Stepping back he addressed all of the contestants in the room again.

 

“Ladies, this as been a real treat, and in some cases,” he turned back to Emma, “a truly eye opening experience. I’ll deliberate for a bit and get back to you soon.”

 

He turned to follow Mary Margaret out of the room, but he just couldn’t help himself as he took one last look at Emma.

 

“Oh, and Emma.”

 

That caught her attention as she finally made eye contact. He licked his bottom lip again, briefly sucking it in and letting it graze his top teeth. “What ever noises I may make in the bedroom, will be nothing compared to the way you’ll scream my name.”

 

Without waiting for her reaction, he left, knowing he had won this round. 

 

* * *

 

Ruby was mischievous by nature, so Emma hadn’t been the least bit surprised that Ruby had thrown her to the proverbial wolves. She was, however, completely shocked by the voice that came through her ear bud.

 

“Swan. Lucas. Care to explain?” There was sternness in Graham’s voice that neither of the women had heard before, and all of the humor had been zapped from the room.

 

Both women stood in complete silence, not daring to say anything else that could get them in trouble. Emma barely even registered that Killian was walking towards her, much less speaking.

 

“I’d like to see both of you in the van ASAP.”

 

She took in a deep breath trying to shake off the memories that were sure to haunt her dreams that night. Damn you Neal. It was hearing Killian say her name that finally shook her out of her thoughts.

 

He was watching her like she was the one he wanted to sample.

 

“What ever noises I may make in the bedroom, will be nothing compared to the way you’ll scream my name.”

 

All of the breath left her body.

 

“Swan, now!” Graham’s words were a growl.

 

She was still stunned by everything that had happened in the past few minutes. She heard Ruby’s whispered acknowledgement of Graham and turned to find her trying to figure out a way to sneak out. It was easy late at night or early in the morning while everyone was sleeping, but escaping a house full of active women was a bit more difficult.

 

Ruby grabbed a dollop of frosting and smeared it on Emma’s dress before grabbing a bottle of seltzer water out of the fridge. The two women excused themselves, citing that they needed to get the stain out before it set. Once they were on the third story of the mansion, they were able to duck down a hallway that their team had managed to conceal.

 

The hallway led to a rarely used staircase and the girls were able to duck out a side door and ran to the van.

 

The van was slightly cramped with two fully-grown men in it, but with five people it was crowded. Robin gave both women a slightly apologetic look knowing that he and Will had instigated everything.

 

“Would any of you care to explain to me what was happening in there?” 

 

Ruby started, “We were just getting into character.”

 

Before she could say anything else Graham cut her off. “I’m sorry but I fail to see any of the other women in that house behaving the way you two were.”

 

“Well,” Will stated trying to cut the tension, “to be fair, you walked in at the absolute worst moment.”

 

Graham glared at him for a minute before turning back to Ruby ready to launch into her again.

 

Sensing this, Emma tried to explain before he could yell.

 

“We were doing our job. Regina said it herself, she can only get us so far, and we’ll need viewer support to continue. Ruby and I were just making sure that we made an impression. I’m sorry if it seemed inappropriate, but you clearly haven’t seen what the other girls have done.”

 

As she spoke she could feel the tension melting away.

 

“I see. And have you discovered anything that actually relates to the case?” Graham asked.

 

It was Robin who jumped in next. “It’s only been two days. They have to blend in first before they go storming the castle searching through her stuff. From what we can tell, she doesn’t leave her room very often.”

 

Graham nodded clearly rationalizing everything they had just told him.

 

“Perhaps I overreacted,” he said while taking a deep breath and turning to Emma. “But I should remind you that we need to maintain some shred of professionalism. We’re trying to build a case against Tamara and all of this could be considered evidence. You really want to sit in front of a jury explaining why your talking about sex noises during work?”

 

All of them lowered their heads. Of course anything they said might be used.

 

“I know you have to maintain your covers, but there’s a fine line between light flirting and making an ass of yourself.” His gaze was back on Emma.

 

Everything from five years ago came flooding back and she had to fight back tears.

 

Before anyone could say more, a small peppy voice came through the speakers.

 

“Um, sorry guys but we need Agents Lucas and Swan back in here now.”

 

Graham leaned over and pressed down on a button next to a microphone. “Of course, Agent White. They’re on their way now.”

 

The girls slid out of the van before they could be chastised any further and ran back to the house making use of the side door and hidden staircase. Emma made a quick pit stop in their room trying to get the stain out of her dress, but the chocolate frosting just smeared in more.

 

They made their way back down to the kitchen where the other woman were already congregated. Mary Margaret had them spread out in a single file line around the perimeter of the room.

 

She went and fetched Killian, who seemed much more relaxed than he had been since they had started the show. He quickly addressed the room.

 

As he was talking Emma heard Will come back through her ear.

 

“Buggering hell. Sorry about that ladies. He walked in without warning. He’s gone now though and I think Robin and I took the brunt of his wrath.”

 

Emma finally relaxed, just as Killian said three names. 

 

* * *

 

“Kelly Andrews.”

 

As Killian said the last name he saw Emma loosen up. Had she actually been worried that she was getting sent home? He didn’t have long to contemplate it before Mary Margaret was showing him out of the kitchen and into the space set up for interviews.

 

Just like before he had to answer questions about each of the girls. This time though, the questions varied which Killian appreciated. There were only so many ways he could rephrase ‘she seems lovely.’

 

Killian talked about the different dishes that he had sampled, explaining what stood out about certain dishes. He and the interviewer had struck up an easy banter this time and he was freer with his words.

 

He explained that he had sent Sarah Fischer home because her lamb was still cold in the middle, like eating meat flavored ice cream. Ramona Galloway’s shepard’s pie on the other hand was burnt beyond repair. He couldn’t even stab his fork through. He stopped to make a joke about how much he loved his penthouse and didn’t want to come home to find it burned to the ground.

 

“Speaking of heat,” the interviewer started, “there seemed to be something cooking between you and Emma Fowler.”

 

Before he could help it, a huge grin had spread across his face. He could play it coy, but that wouldn’t be any fun, especially knowing how much it would bother her when she finally got to watch the episode air.

 

“Ya, she’s feisty. I feel like she could keep me on my toes, or at least until we made it into the bedroom, if you know what I mean.” He winked into the camera thinking of the moment she would see that part.

 

After his interviews were done, Mary Margaret reappeared and ushered him back to his guesthouse. She informed him that for the next three evenings, he would be engaged in-group dates. Like that morning, the girls would be divided into three groups, and he would interact with one group each night.

 

She handed him a list of ten places and told him to pick three of them for his dates. Looking over the list he noted that all of them were on the grounds, including the formal dinning room, stables, pool, and rear gardens. She told him the activity would be based on the location.

 

He randomly spouted off three of the locations and Mary Margaret wrote them down in her clipboard before leaving him alone again for the night. Something he was actually coming to dread.

 

He didn’t enjoy being alone with his thoughts for long periods of time. That’s why he usually found himself in the company of a random woman, hanging out with his mates, or drinking himself into oblivion. Now though, being cut off from the outside world, he had nothing to do but think of his past.

 

He thought of Milah’s last words to him. He thought of the first night he spent alone. He thought of the band he was no longer a part of. He thought of his brother and parents.

 

His mind wallowed in the pain for hours before finally finding just the slightest bit of peace that allowed him to drift to sleep. His last thought of the night was of Emma, and what it would feel like for her to be laying there next to him.

 

That night he dreamed of her, every sinful inch of her pressed against his body yelling out his name as she cascaded over the edge.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always you can come yell at me on tumblr: wellhellotragic


	6. 6

 

Emma hadn’t slept well the night before. She had nightmares of federal agents storming her office with guns drawn. She’d dreamt of the handcuffs and the humiliation, and when she woke she couldn’t shake the feeling that something bad was coming.

 

Due to her lack of sleep, she was cranky. Everyone in the house noticed it and if they knew what was good for them based on the look on her face, they’d avoid her like the plague. Ruby was the only one who didn’t seem to get the memo, unknowingly pushing and prodding at Emma’s old wounds.

 

Things didn’t get any better that morning when Agent White pulled them aside.

 

“Girls, I’m so sorry, I tried to get you out of it but the network insists that you do interviews.” Emma shot the pixie a death glance.

 

“It’s for the promos. Since we’re taping everything before the show airs, they’re using snippets of interviews and sneak peeks to gauge who the audience finds interesting and wants to keep around. All of the other girls gave theirs yesterday, but you two weren’t here. I didn’t even think they’d notice but I guess Killian said something in his interview and they wanted to get your reaction, Emma.”

 

It wasn’t even seven in the morning and Emma was ready to crawl back into her bed and never return.

 

“Okay, so what do you need us to do?” Ruby asked. 

 

“Well, don’t kill me,” she winced while looking at Emma, “but I need you to change back into your clothes from yesterday, for continuity, and then come back down here. Agent Charming will try to make it was quick and painless as possible.”

 

Emma could feel her hands balling up into fists at her side, holding back her desire to lunge at and pummel the poor agent. This entire experience had been a challenge to her sanity and she was going to snap, and soon.

 

She let Ruby drag her back upstairs where she slipped back into her now wrinkled and stained sundress. Her hair was a matted mess so she threw it back into a topknot, continuity be damned.

 

When they returned they were ushered into the same interview room Killian had used. Ruby went first answering the interviewers questions with ease while exuding just the right amount of sex appeal.

 

Emma was still on the verge of starting World War III as she sat down in front of Agent Charming’s camera. She was completely stunned when the interviewer asked his first question.

 

“So, Emma, there was some obvious chemistry brewing between you and Killian in that first challenge. Can we expect to see anything more sizzling in the future?”

 

Rage. That was the only way to describe how she immediately felt as her blood began to boil. Between the pixie’s comments that Killian had said something about her, and the interviewer’s question, she was ready to walk out and never come back.

 

It was only at Ruby’s insistence that she fought the urge. The camera guy pleaded with her to remember why she was there. She gritted her teeth and gave what could only later be described as a maniacal smile. She let Ruby feed her words and as soon as they had the footage she needed she bolted.

 

Ruby caught her arm just as she was about to charge up the stairs.

 

“Em,” she tried but Emma cut her off.

 

“What the hell was that?” She was sure she resembled a feral animal that was being caged up.

 

Ruby placed both of her hands on Emma’s shoulders and shook the crap out of her. “Stop it. We’ve dealt with worse, so what the hell is your problem?”

 

“Nothing. I’m fine.”

 

It was a typical walls up response from Emma. Ruby was right, they had dealt with worse, but she was angry, and had no outlet for it. Normally she had the pleasure of knowing that the jerk she was conning was going to find his way to a nice shiny prison cell, but this time the main source of her aggression was also the person she was supposed to be protecting.

 

Before they could discuss it further, Agent White was calling all of the girls into the living room.

 

“Okay, ladies. As you all know the first rose ceremony is coming up in a few days, which means you all need to try your hardest to impress our bachelor if you want to stay.” Emma worried that she may pull something from all of the eye rolling she was doing. “With that said, you’ll each get one more chance to spend time with him in the form of a group date.”

 

Emma barely listened as Agent White explained that they would be split into three groups again. Killian would spend a few hours with each group on a different day. She listened as ‘Mary Margaret’ called off her name along with six others, included Tamara and Elsa.

 

She heard Robin tell Ruby that it would be the perfect opportunity to get a peek inside Tamara’s room without her noticing, since both she and her roommate would be in Emma’s group.

 

Emma and the others would be attending a formal dinner that evening in the dinning room. Ruby was in the second group and would be attending a poolside bbq. She thought she heard one of the girls spout out something about bathing suits being optional. That caused Will to tell Agent Charming that he was a lucky bastard. The last day would be horseback riding.

 

Emma looked at the clock. She had almost ten hours before her group date. She could feel the walls closing in around her, but for the first time in her life, she couldn’t run. She was trapped, so she did the next best thing. She hid in her room.

 

* * *

 

Killian was dreading the group dates. As much as he sometimes enjoyed the company of women, it wasn’t exactly thier communication skills that he usually admired. The idea of sitting with these women for almost four hours was torturous.

 

Mary Margaret had stopped by earlier giving him a list of how the groups had been divided and which days where which dates. As he scanned the list, he couldn’t help but feel a little disappointed seeing Emma’s name on day one.

 

It wasn’t that he didn’t want to see her, but he had hoped that she be in the horseback-riding group. He wanted to get her heart racing, plus the innuendo practical screamed at him. Also, it meant that after tonight he wouldn’t see her for the rest of the week.

 

Mary Margaret had also given him a strict list of topics to discuss. He was to ask each of the women about their backgrounds, their hopes and dreams, everything that he didn’t care about. It was going to be a very boring evening.

 

He still had a few hours to kill before his ‘primp and pramp’ crew were due to arrive so he went for a run hoping to clear his mind, and possible hoping to see a certain blonde out running too. He knew it was unlikely at this time of day, and still wasn’t sure how she and the other girl had managed to sneak out of the mansion undetected, but he still couldn’t help the small pang of disappointment that formed when he got to the docks and no one was there.

 

He stayed at the docks for a while thinking about everything he had gotten himself into. Two years ago he had his whole life planned out. He was going to propose to Milah. They would travel the world together, touring with the band. By now they might of even had a kid. But then again, Killian Jones wasn’t meant to have the happy ending.

 

Instead, he was here making a fool of himself. He couldn’t understand how this could possibly help his public image, and he wasn’t even sure if he cared. His music career was dead, his friends all gone, and he swore he would never love again.

 

He watched the waves rolling in and out until he finally felt a smidgen of calm wash over him. He could do this. Emma would be there tonight and that would keep him entertained. He’d figure out the next two days as they came. Regina had mentioned that he might be able to call Robin or Will on the blackout day that came after each rose ceremony. He just had to hold on a couple more days.

 

He ran back to the guesthouse, still keeping an eye out for Emma just in case, but she never appeared. He chugged a bottle of water from the fridge, admitting to himself that his newfound sobriety, even if not by choice, was having a positive effect on his body. He didn’t feel as sluggish and crabby anymore.

 

Once in the shower, he took his time, letting the hot water relax his muscles. As images of the blonde minx rushed through his head, he considered allowing himself to relieve tension elsewhere but decided against it, for the time being at least.

 

As he exited the shower he wrapped himself in a towel, taking in the time. He still had about thirty minutes before anyone would be there. He sighed and plopped down on his bed and fell asleep.

 

* * *

 

Ruby had picked out a light pink dress for Emma to wear and helped her pull her hair into a fancy ponytail, as well as helping with applying her makeup. It wasn’t that Emma was trying to impress anyone as much as Ruby was forcing her to dress up.

 

When Ruby was done and gave Emma her seal of approval, Emma slipped downstairs into the dinning room ignoring the camera crew already in place. No one else had arrived yet. She looked around the room. New darker drapes had been hung over the windows and a fire was lit in a huge fireplace. The table had been set with fancy china and crystal wine glasses were set out along the table.

 

There was a place setting at one end of the table, clearly designated as the head of the table meant for Killian, while the other end remained empty. She should have picked a spot near Killian, in case Tamara tried to lunge a steak knife at his head, but as she stood there overthinking everything, she found herself migrating to the chair furthest away.

 

She took her seat and two other girls arrived. They were engrossed in a conversation as they took their seats and Emma remained silent. One at a time, the remaining girls dwindled into the room, with Tamara and Elsa taking to two seats closest to where Killian would sit.

 

Once all of them were seated, Agent White ushered Killian into the room. He was actually charming for once, undoubtedly having been coached by the pixie on how to behave. He sat at the end of the table and greeted each woman. As he got to her, she noticed what seemed like a flash of disappointment in his eyes, but it was gone so quickly she wasn’t sure if she had imagined it or not.

 

A caterer appeared with wine filling up each glass to the brim. It was apparent that the network executives hoped alcohol would lower everyone’s inhibitions, judging by how the man was constantly refilling their half empty glasses. A separate man appeared bringing a tray of salads for everyone. It was then that Killian finally spoke.

 

“So, I thought that this would be a nice intimate way for me to learn a little bit more about each of you. Perhaps we could go around the table and you could each tell me a little about yourself, including your jobs, hopes for the future.”

 

She averted her gaze as much as possible, focusing intently on a cherry tomato in her salad. When she did look up, she found him watching all of the other girls but not her. She couldn’t understand why she felt slightly disappointed, since she was positive she hated everything about him.

 

She hated the way he flirted, they way he’s wiggled his eyebrows at her. She hated the way he winked at her, the way he made her blush for no good reason. She hated how cocky he was, and how he viewed women as conquests. She hated how attractive he was and the way he knew it. And most of all, she hated how bothered she was that he was ignoring her.

 

She really hated how focused he had been while Elsa and Tamara had spoken. Tamara explained that she was a corporate lawyer, clearly news to Emma. She told him that all she really wanted out of life was to find a man that she could treat like a king. It wasn’t original by any means, but it was enough to make Emma want to vomit.

 

Elsa talked about how she had been to Julliard and was an aspiring musician, pointing out what a great pair she and Killian would make.

 

Emma really, really hated when Will came through her ear making suggestions of what they actually wanted to do with Killian.

 

“Oi, I bet she’d love to make some sweet music with him. Maybe try to show him how well she can play an oboe! If Killian were here, he would tell us about how many of these woman have probably screwed a guy to his music while picturing him.”

 

Emma was still silently fuming at Will, which is why she completely missed the fact that a new plate had arrived in front of her, or that Killian had called her name twice trying to get her attention. His eyes showed a flash of concern, which quickly shifted into a look of victory.

 

“Sorry, um, not much to tell.”

 

“Perhaps you’re right. This whole hopes and dreams thing is a bit boring isn’t it? What would you lot say to a game?”

 

He shifted back in his seat looking like the cat that ate the canary. The other girls at the table squealed in delight and Emma groaned to herself. She really, really, really hated where this was going.

 

Some of the girls suggested a few games such as twenty questions, never have I ever, and even spin the bottle but Killian shot them all down.

 

“I’m thinking about a nice round of truth or dare.”

 

One of the girls clapped excitedly and Emma continued to move some carrots around her plate with her fork.

 

The game started off pretty innocently. Everyone went back and fourth mostly choosing truth. Around the twenty-minute mark, things started getting a bit more personal. When Killian picked truth, Tamara asked him if he wore boxers or briefs. He asked the girl sitting next to Emma how long it had been since she had sex. One of the girls who was now officially drunk even asked Killian how big it was.

 

“Trust me, darling, when I say it’s plenty big, and then some.” He punctuated it with a wink.

 

Emma had remained silent through the entire ordeal, and had never been so grateful to be ignored. It wasn’t until Killian announce that it would be the last round of the night that Emma first felt his eyes boring into the side of her head.

 

“Emma, truth or dare?” 

 

“Neither,” she mumbled.

 

“Now Emma,” her name a warning on his lips, “that’s bad form and you know it.”

 

Emma rolled her eyes for the hundredth time that night. “Fine, dare I guess.” She wasn’t ready to spill any secrets in a room full of strangers.

 

His face lit up. He was about to pounce. 

 

“I dare you to kiss me.”

 

Emma’s jaw dropped. “What?” It was almost a scream. She heard Will choke on whatever he’d been eating, as shocked at the suggestion as she was.

 

He leaned forward. “You heard me, love. One tiny kiss won’t hurt you, unless you’re afraid you’ll fall madly in love with me afterwards.”

 

“No, absolute not.”

 

“Now Emma, didn’t we just say it was bad form not to play by the rules?”

 

“Okay, Jones, you want to talk about good form? How would it possibly be considered good form to force me to do something I don’t want to do?” She was livid.

 

He looked down at the table, his jaw clenched.

 

“You’re absolutely right. How about a truth then?” He looked at her waiting for her response. She heard Agent Charming clear his throat reminding her of why she was there.

 

“Fine.”

 

He looked her straight in the eyes. “Have you ever been in love?”

 

He couldn’t have possible understood how deep that question cut her. How many horrible memories it brought back of Neal and his betrayal. All of her walls hardened as she stood up from the table, willing herself not to shed a tear.

 

“No, I have never been in love.” She spat the words out at him.

 

She didn’t wait for anyone to say anything more. She walked out of the room refusing to acknowledge the voices calling after her. She went straight to her room slamming the door shut and locking it behind her.

 

Ruby sat up from where she was lying in her bed. 

 

“Emma, are you okay? What happened?” 

 

“Nothing, I’m fine.”

 

Emma locked herself in the bathroom letting the sounds of the shower drown out the world around her. She curled herself up into a ball and allowed herself to cry. For an hour she stayed there, letting the water wash away the pain. When she finally emerged, Ruby was fast asleep and Emma crawled into her own bed cursing herself for ever having been so stupid.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always you can come yell at me on tumblr: wellhellotragic


	7. 7

 

It was almost instantaneous. He hoped that the teasing would get a rise out of her, but Killian realized that he had crossed a line has soon as he heard the break in Emma’s voice.

 

“No, I have never been in love.”

 

There was sadness in her declaration that he knew all too well, a false one that spoke of heartache. He wished he could take it back. It was only supposed to be a game, and he was sure she would have sparred along with him; instead he only succeeded in pushing her further away.

 

He wanted to run after her and apologize, but the gaggle of women, still seated at the table with their tongues already wagging, were in his way. Instead, he remained seated until all of the desert dishes were finished and the film crew released him.

 

Even then, every time he tried to exit the room someone latched on to him. Most of the women were just trying to flirt a bit more, or looking for any excuse to touch him in any way possible.

 

Tamara on the other hand wanted to warn him away from Emma.

 

“Can you believe her? You need to cut that one loose. You haven’t even seen the half of it. She’s seriously crazy, like serial killer crazy. The other day she tried to…” Her hand had found a way onto his chest at some point. 

 

Killian cut her off before she could finish. Emma had been nothing but hostile towards him that entire evening, but for some reason beyond his comprehension, he couldn’t stand to hear anyone say anything bad about her.

 

“I’m sorry, I think they’re calling me for my interview right now.” Killian motioned towards the camera crew with his head and left before she could respond.

 

He considered going to check on her, but he wasn’t allowed near the girl’s rooms, and even if he snuck down there, he wouldn’t even know which one was hers. The thought of accidentally knocking on an incorrect door and giving one of the ladies the wrong idea made him sick.

 

Inspiration struck though as he remembered the first night in the mansion. She had snuck off to the hidden balcony to be alone and clear her head. He wondered if the same would be true now.

 

It wasn’t.

 

He waited for a while hoping that she would appear, but after thirty minutes he surrendered to the fact that his apology would have to wait until another day. As he made his way back down stairs, Mary Margaret found him and dragged him into the hallway just outside of the interview room.

 

There was still one girl giving her interview from the dinner that night. He could faintly hear her answers. She began by talking about how nice he looked in his suit when he appeared, and how turned on she got watching him lick chocolate sauce off of his lip during desert.

 

Then the interviewer asked her about the incident at the end.

 

“Oh, that? Honestly, I’m not even sure why she’s here, none of us are. It’s okay though, because I’m pretty sure after that, there’s no way he’s wasting a rose on _her_.”

 

There was an unexpected flare of anger in him. What if the producers decided that Emma wasn’t worthy of staying? There was a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach but he couldn’t understand why. Why did he feel such a connection for this girl he barely knew?

 

He was lost in thought and completely missed Ursula leave the interview room. It wasn’t until Mary Margaret grabbed his left hand, accidentally digging her ring into his palm, causing him to wince in pain, that he regained his focus. He hadn’t felt that shooting discomfort in over a year and it immediately brought his thoughts from Emma.

 

As he sat in the chair waiting for the lights to be adjusted, he flexed it a few times, watching as the scar stretched and contracted. The pain turned to a dull ache as the interviewer began asking questions.

 

“So, Elsa mentioned that she was in music. Could you ever see yourself collaborating with her?”

 

This was a question Killian had dodged from many people over the last few years. Regina had done a fantastic job at keeping the story out of the media, and most people never heard about his injury. He waited for it to heal, but even when the doctor cleared him, there was too much pain and fear to ever pick up a guitar again.

 

“I’m not sure. That’s a part of my life I’ve left behind and right now, I’m just enjoying life. I’m not sure if it’s something I want to get back into.”

 

He knew that he should have come up with a clever teasing retort, but he didn’t want to leave his response open to further questioning.

 

The interviewer didn’t seem to care for his answer, but continued on to a different subject anyway.

 

“So of all of the games, why did you pick truth or dare?”

 

“You can learn a lot about a person from the game. There are the obvious truths, but when people choose dare, you know they’re hiding something. For example, after we started answering truths about sexual preferences, Katherine quickly chose a dare. To me that meant she was either shy or inexperienced, both of which could be easily, and happily remedied with the right instructor.” His words were dripping with innuendo.

 

“Speaking of dares, Emma seemed quite upset with your dare before switching to truth. What did that mean to you?”

 

He took a deep breath searching for his words. 

 

* * *

 

Emma was still in a foul mood when she woke up the next morning. Ruby’s constant badgering for hours on end was only making things worse.

 

“Ruby, I swear to God, if you ask me one more question about last night, I will never speak to you again.”

 

From anyone else that may have been an empty threat, but Ruby learned the hard way that Emma Swan was a woman of her word. The last freeze out had lasted almost two months.

 

“Okay, fine. I surrender, but if you change your mind I’m here.” Ruby held both of her hands up in a sign of defeat.

 

Not wanting to linger on is a moment longer Emma changed the subject. 

 

“So, what did you find last night?”

 

“Nothing.”

 

Emma gave Ruby an incredulous look.

 

“What do you mean nothing?”

 

“I mean exactly what I said. Aside from clothing, neither of them had much by way of personal affects. I checked all of the clothing and pockets, which were empty. I looked under the mattresses, in the drawers, but there was nothing. No weapons, no clues. In fact, the only personal item in the room was a brand new copy of _Peter Pan_.”

 

Emma flopped on to her bed letting out a growl. She didn’t expect there to be anything obvious, but she hoped there would be something, a tiny clue trail of what she was planning, or who had hired her.

 

“I will say though, that that Elsa girl is oddly obsessed with the color blue. I think there was only one dress on her side of the closet that wasn’t some shade of teal or navy. Oh, and I did find one other personal affect come to think of it. Let me just say, this particular blue bunny wasn’t a tub of ice cream.” Ruby snickered as she said it, and Emma felt some of the tension melt away from the room.

 

Ruby looked over at Emma.

 

“I guess I should start getting ready for my date.”

 

Ruby walked into the closet and emerged with an almost nonexistent red bikini and wrap. She quickly changed in the bathroom and applied a fresh layer of cherry red lipstick. Emma tossed her a bottle of sunscreen and Ruby left to join the others by the pool in the garden.

 

Emma huffed. She was aggravated again but couldn’t understand why. She forced herself to leave the room and tried to think of ways to kill her day. Tamara had been held up in her room for most of the day, only having emerged at dawn for breakfast.

 

She decided her best use would be at the van trying to sort through files and footage to see if there was anything they missed. With a third of the girls out on a group date, it was pretty easy to sneak out to the van; only the van had now been replaced by an RV.

 

Will was watching real time footage, while Robin was going though footage from the previous evening when she joined them. Both men were relatively silent.

 

“So have you found anything new?”

 

“You mean since you were last here, or since you stormed out last night?”

 

Robin hit Will on the arm and gave him a look that screamed ‘stop.’

 

“What? It’s not a secret. She was there.”

 

Robin turned to Emma and gave her an apologetic look.

 

“Will, perhaps you could go and wrestle us up some lunch?”

 

Will shot Emma the stink eye, but begrudgingly agreed and left to run to a deli a few miles away.

 

“I’m sorry, he’s just…” Robin paused, trying to sort out what he wanted to say next. “Look, I know we’re all agents, and we’re here trying to do a job, but at the end of the day, Killian is still our friend, and we’re both protective over him.”

 

Emma opened her mouth to send him a retort but he pressed on, stopping her words before they could even leave her mouth.

 

“I know that he can be a bit much at times, but you don’t know him the way we do. Killian may seem like a cocky arrogant guy, but if you can see past all of the false bravado, he’s just lonely.”

 

Emma let Robin’s words digest for a moment.

 

“Then tell me about him. Tell me what is it that you see in him, because from my point of view, he’s only been a horny jerk.”

 

Robin nodded his head a few times.

 

“I knew Killian back in London. His family moved to London from Ireland when he was very young, after his mother died. We practically grew up together, and he was incredibly shy, especially with women. Even talking to one caused his face to turn bright red and he would start stuttering. When we were thirteen, his father disappeared. There were rumors that he was deep in debt with some very dangerous people, and instead of facing them, he abandoned both of his boys. Liam, Killian’s older brother was of age and joined the navy to help earn money. Killian came to live with me, and Liam sent my parents money every month to make sure Killian had clothes and spending money. His brother also suggested he join a band that some of our schoolmates were putting together to help him build confidence. After we graduated, Killian focused on the band full time.”

 

Emma listened as Robin continued his story. Robin went to university, while Killian’s band started gaining interest. His breakout moment came when the bands lead singer had to quite suddenly, and Killian was forced to fill in. There had been a talent scout in the crowd that night, and the Lost Boys were signed the next day. They released an album and began touring around the UK rising in popularity. Robin told her that he saw Killian as often as possible, which wasn’t often between the touring, and Robin’s course schedule, but that Killian was still that same sweet reserved guy who could barely talk to a woman.

 

Robin moved to the states right after university and joined the FBI where he met Will who was a year behind him. He lost touch with Killian after that. It wasn’t until five years later that he heard from Killian when he showed up on his doorstep unannounced. Killian moved in with him for a few months, drinking excessively, something he had never done before. When Robin would ask what happened, Killian would shut down. Then came the one night stands.

 

Eventually, he and Regina were able to talk enough sense into him to slow down on the drinking. Killian was adamant that he was done with music so Regina suggested that he take some time off to decide where he wanted to go. She helped him find a place to live, and had been trying to restore his reputation ever since. Regina explained that Liam had died during a training accident five years prior, but that wasn’t what sent him over the edge. It wasn’t her story to tell though, and she never spoke of it.

 

Emma admired Regina’s loyalty. Ruby was her best friend, and respected her, but Ruby had her own way of fixing things, rather than leaving things alone.

 

“Emma, I don’t know what happened during those five years, but he came back a broken man. I know that he seems like an ass whose only focus is on sex and alcohol, but if you’d give him a chance you’d see the pain underneath it all. Everything he’s showing you is a mask. Please, just try to go easy on him.”

 

Will opened the door holding up a brown bag soaked in grease. He grabbed out two sandwiches, tossing one of them to Robin, before handing the bag to Emma. She looked inside and there was a grilled cheese sandwich and a side of French fries. She smiled, giving him points for effort, and he smiled back. Whatever animosity Will had felt had passed.

 

They ate quickly before returning their focus to the show footage. Emma first directed her attention to the screen Robin was looking at. She plugged in an extra set of headphones into the console just as the footage reached the interviews from the previous evening.

 

Her outburst had been a hot topic for all of the girls, and Emma felt equal parts anger and embarrassment. She should have held herself together for the sake of the case, but instead allowed him to get to her. It wouldn’t happen again.

 

The last interview came on and it was Killian.

 

“Speaking of dares, Emma seemed quite upset with your dare before switching to truth. What did that mean to you?”

 

“I think it said more about me than her. I could sense that she was uncomfortable and in bad form I continued to tease her. As a gentleman, I should have respected her boundaries. When she sees this, I hope she knows how apologetic I am, and that I realize I was a fool for hurting her.”

 

He wasn’t looking at the camera anymore. Instead his focus was on the ground, and Emma saw it, Killian Jones without his mask. She was speechless, and out of the corner of her eye, she saw Robin give her a knowing look.

 

She shook herself out of it and turned her focus to a separate unmanned screen instead. It was of the inside of the house. She didn’t see Tamara anywhere and assumed she was still in her room. Next she looked over to Will’s screen. There was a man she hadn’t seen before standing by a grill flipping hamburgers. Killian, Ruby and the rest of the girls were sitting poolside in lounge chairs. 

 

“Bloody git, he gets all the luck.” Will’s eyes were wide and glued to the screen.

 

“Technically, you’re just as lucky.” Will looked at her in confusion. “Most people get thrown in jail for this stuff, but you’re getting paid to watch half naked girls all day.”

 

“Perhaps you’re right.” A huge grin came over his face as the camera panned in on a brunette in a yellow swimsuit.

 

The audio from Ruby’s comm was drowned out by wind noise, so they were having to rely on the audio from the camera crew, which meant a two second delay to the RV.

 

“How do you guys to this? It’s been thirty seconds and it’s already driving me nuts!”

 

Will laughed. “You get used to it, and it’s not all the time. Normally we can hear well enough through you or Ruby.”

 

Emma watched as Will’s face morphed. His eyes were wide, but the rest of him looked like a dear trapped in headlights. His cheeks began to brighten, and Emma looked back up to the screen to find the girl in the yellow biking applying suntan lotion to herself. She leaned forward and hit the microphone button.

 

“Ruby, you’re missing a show in here. Scarlett’s just earned his namesake. Looks like someone’s got quite the crush on Belle.”

 

Ruby chuckled under her breath, and Emma knew that her hint had been understood.

 

“Belle, let me help you with that.”

 

Ruby walked over to Belle’s lounge chair and began slowly working the lotion into Belle’s exposed skin, making sure to use long strokes, leaning forward to press her chest up against Belle’s back. Ruby looked to the lead camera and winked, something meant just for Will.

 

Will let out a groan, followed by a slur of expletives, and Emma and Robin both laughed until they had tears.

 

Emma looked back up to the screen focusing on Killian, who seemed far less bothered by the act than Will. Emma was still watching him closely, trying to see beyond the mask when a small blonde woman walked over to him and sat down in his lap.

 

“Care to give a girl a hand?” The blonde handed Killian a bottle of sunscreen, which he took. 

 

“Who is that?” Emma felt something stirring inside her gut.

 

“Her name is Tink. I think she’s a botanist at UCLA.”

 

Emma’s features turned down until her frown became a full out scowl.

 

“Wait a minute,” Will said. “That doesn’t bother you now does it, Swan. Knowing that she’s got a knack for making things grow?”

 

“No,” she growled out. “I just can’t believe how forward some of these girls are.”

 

She heard Robin let out a small chuckle, but he didn’t add anything to the conversation.

 

“Ah, so it doesn’t bother you at all knowing that she specializes in wood?”

 

“Will!”

 

“Fine, I’ll leaf you alone about it.”

 

She tried to be annoyed, but there was something endearing about Will’s horrible puns. She started to smile, but then caught sight of Killian applying lotion all over Tink, and a knot formed.

 

Having heard the whole conversation, and knowing Emma as well as she did, Ruby knew she needed to cause a distraction. She stood up and cannon balled into the pool splashing water all over Killian and Tink. The distraction worked, and soon everyone followed her lead.

 

The damage had been done though. Robin had told her about Killian’s past, inadvertently causing her to feel something for him. It scared her so she did what she was good at. She ran.

 

* * *

 

The past few days had left Killian feeling drained. He found that the longer he was in the house around the women, the less attractive they became. As he got to know many of them, he realized they were there because they were desperate for love, as no sane man would ever want any of them.

 

He found something off putting about each and every one of them. Ursula was very touchy feely and no matter what Killian did, she was still all over him. It felt like she had eight arms. There was one girl in particular, Ariel something, that really stood out to him. She had bright red hair, clearly a home dye job. Every time she leaned forward in her seat, he couldn’t help but notice the tinge of red she had left behind in the chair backing.

 

Another girl, Jasmine, kept going on and on about how she owned a pet tiger that slept in bed with her. Killian found Rapunzel’s architecture job boring, and he he was beyond grossed out by her hair which was long enough that it drug on the floor when she didn’t have it pulled up.

 

On the horseback riding date earlier that day, a woman named Cruella seemed to take far too much pleasure in kicking the horse. He was actually glad when the horse threw her, forcing her to leave the date early to go get checked out at the local hospital.

 

This entire experience had been completely different to his courtship of Milah. From almost the moment her met her, he felt drawn to her. He couldn’t get enough, and everyday he spent with her drew him further and further in. He fell hard and fast. Even despite her lying, he couldn’t stop loving her.

 

These women though, they were awful. All of them except for Emma. She had that same gravitational pull on him that Milah did. He refused to believe it meant anything though. He told himself that he was only drawn to her because he couldn’t have her. He was certain that if he got her, he’d become bored easily and move on.

 

He just had to keep repeating that to himself. Maybe if he said it enough, he might actually believe it. Then he would see her though, and everything he told himself went out the window. He still hadn’t had a chance to apologize to her as the production crew kept him on a tight schedule while he was around the girls.

 

Due to the delay with Cruella’s injury, they got back from their ride late that night. Killian gave his interview as soon as he made it back. The entire day had been a mess and he was pretty sure his frustration showed on camera, but he didn’t care. They would splice it together somehow to make it seemed like everything was marvelous.

 

He could feel all of the muscles in his body tense. He needed something to help him relax. He considered walking down to the dock, but it was late, and with the evening cloud coverage, it was darker than usual. He opted for the next best thing, a view of the ocean from the balcony.

 

* * *

 

After two days of being cooped up in the mansion, some of the women were starting to snap. Hormones were raging and something as simple not putting the milk back on the same shelf had become cause for all out war. No one had reverted to physical harm yet, but at this rate, it was only a matter of time.

 

 _Ratings gold_ she thought to herself.

 

She felt herself going stir crazy as well. The walls seemed like they were closing in and she needed to escape. People were milling around everywhere though, and there was no way she’d be able to sneak out through her hidden passage.

 

She thought about just making a break for it, but she couldn’t do that. People were depending on her, and despite how much damage control she had done, and how successful she may have become in the New York office, she always felt the need to continue proving herself after what happened.

 

Without realizing what she was doing, she found herself wandering through a hallway up a set of stairs. It led to the attic, a place none of the others felt the need to explore and she was grateful for it. None of them had discovered yet that there was a small door under the staircase that opened up to an atrium which lead to a beautiful balcony overlooking the entire estate.

 

She had discovered it the week before while they were still preparing for the operation. She had memorized the blueprints of the house just in case she needed to get Killian out of the mansion if Tamara tried anything.

 

As it turned out, the man who built the mansion over a hundred years before wasn’t too fond of his new wife. It was a marriage of convenience, quite ironic given her current circumstances. He had the door concealed so he could escape his wife when she became too much. Emma wasn’t even sure that Ruby knew about the secret balcony.

 

She hadn’t been out there since that first night when Killian found her. He had been his usual flirty self, but there was something else that night. For just a moment, there had been something honest about him. There was sincerity. Perhaps there was another side to Killian Jones.

 

Robin’s words had been circling though her mind all evening. If he really was putting on a mask to hide his pain, no one could relate as well as her. Neal had almost ruined her, and after him she built her walls sky high, using sarcasm as a defense mechanism.

 

Even Walsh hadn’t penetrated them. Maybe it was her fault in a way. She had never let him in, not really. Ruby only got as far in as Emma allowed her to. Killian though, he had managed to pull something real from her that night without even trying.

 

She stayed there, lost in her thoughts until she heard the door click open. 

 

“Sorry,” he said, “I didn’t realize anyone would be up here.”

 

She turned back to him trying to put a face to the man Robin had described. She could almost see it in the way he stood timidly in the doorway, waiting for an invitation.

 

“It’s fine, there’s plenty of space.” She gave him a small smile.

 

Emma turned back to the garden and he came to the edge, but put a few extra feet of distance between them. They stayed that way for a while, both just taking in the fresh air trying to decompress.

 

She heard him take a large inhale.

 

“Well I should leave you to it.”

 

There it was again. That sliver of the man he might be somewhere deep down inside.

 

“I’m sorry.” She found herself blurting it out before her brain could catch up.

 

He looked at her, his face laced with confusion.

 

She took in a deep breath trying to steady herself.

 

“About before. I’m sorry that I was so standoffish. I’m just… This, it’s all so intense and I guess and I’m not handling it very well.”

 

He nodded a few times mulling over her words before stepping a bit closer to her.

 

“I prefer to think of it as guarded,” he responded giving her a small smile.

 

She reciprocated with a slightly larger one. “I think the word Elsa used was prickly.” 

 

They both let out a slight laugh and he moved to stand next to her.

 

“I’m the one who should be sorry, I shouldn’t have pushed you like I did when I knew that you wanted nothing to do with me in that way.” He paused trying to collect his thoughts. “I know that you didn’t actually want to be here. I can’t imagine it’s easy for you to be trapped here with all of these other women against your will, and me making an ass of myself.”

 

“It’s not that. I mean it is, but it isn’t.”

 

She watched him furrow his brow at her. He was watching her like he was trying to decipher her every thought, her soul. It was too intense so she turned back to the garden.

 

“Would it help if I told you, that I too had no desire to be here?”

 

This time it was her turn to look to him in bewilderment. He had agreed to be here, and was obviously enjoying all of the attention.

 

“Aye, it’s true,” he continued. “When my manager first approached me about the show I turned her down, three times in fact.” He reached his finger up to scratch behind his ear.

 

“So, then why are you here,” she asked.

 

“I’m not completely certain to be honest. There was a bet that I don’t completely remember thanks to the rum, and I’m told that I lost so here I am.”

 

“Hmm” she mused to herself now knowing for certain that he hadn’t recognized her. “I would have thought that you’d jump at the chance to surround yourself with gorgeous women who all want to jump your bones.”

 

“ _All_ you say,” he quipped with a raised brow. She gave him a half-hearted look of exasperation and he laughed in turn. “I’m just not a long haul type of guy.”

 

“Ah, a ‘why buy the cow’ kind of deal huh.”

 

She expected him to laugh or say something clever in return but his face grew serious and he was clenching his jaw.

 

“There was once someone who I cared very deeply for, so much so that I had purchased a ring, but alas, I wasn’t meant for happy endings.”

 

She could have pushed, she wanted to, but she didn’t. Instead she took it for what it was, a part of himself he rarely revealed. Robin was his best friend and didn’t even know what happened.

 

“I know a little about that.” Her words were soft, almost a whisper. Her turned to her.

 

“There was a guy, and I stick by what I said earlier, it wasn’t love.” She gave him a coy grin hoping to lighten the mood. “We dated for two years, and couple of weeks ago I walked in on him and another woman in our bed.”

 

“Well he was a bloody fool. And I can now understand your trepidation. Why would you want to compete against twenty four women for a man you hardly know when you were already sharing a man who was supposed to be only yours?”

 

Ruby had said as much. She said it wasn’t about her, but wasn’t it? She kept him at arms length for so long what was he supposed to do?

 

“It was my fault. I’m not exactly good at letting people in and I guess I pushed him away for too long.” She let the words dwindle at the end.

 

“I fail to see how the fault was yours. A man unwilling to fight for what he wants gets what he deserves. He should have fought for you.”

 

There was something in his eyes. A small twinkle in the deep blue that almost made her weak in the knees as if his words extended beyond Walsh.

 

“It’s okay. Honestly, I’m not devastated by any means. More than anything I just feel stupid.” 

 

She waited for his pity but he never gave it.

 

“Well Emma, we make quite the team.”

 

She chuckled, “I guess you’re right.”

 

“I have a proposal for you.”

 

She glared at him and raised one eyebrow.

 

“I thought that portion of the show wasn’t for a few more weeks.”

 

“Ha, ha. I was just thinking, that as neither of us wants to be here, and neither of us all are that keen on anyone else in there,” he said while pointing back towards the mansion, “that perhaps we could make this more bearable for each other.”

 

“As friends?”

 

He chuckled. “Yes, Emma, as friends. It’s been a bit lonely here and I find that it’s nice having someone to talk to.”

 

She watched him, trying to find any hint of trickery, but there was none. 

 

“Deal.” They shook on it.

 

“You know,” he started with mischief in his voice reminiscent of Ruby. “Perhaps we could brainstorm some ways to save you and make sure you stay here, you know, for the sake of my sanity.” He punctuated it with a wink.

 

“Don’t worry, the only one that saves me is me.” She gave him a wink back. 

 

He turned to go back inside before he could say anything to ruin the moment.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always you can come and yell at me on tumblr: wellhellotragic


	8. 8

 

Something had shifted between them that night. Emma was seeing Killian in a new light thanks to Robin, and she had decided to give him a chance, as a friend. After all, from what she new of Will and Robin, they were selective of the people they associated with, and both were highly protective of Killian.

 

She hadn’t exactly been a bundle of joy since she had arrived and there was no telling what he thought of her. She wasn’t even sure why he was still speaking to her.

 

Robin had said something else to her too, that they were there for a job, and she had been failing at hers.

 

It was time for Emma Swan to get her shit together and be the agent she was trained to be. Granted, things should go better now the she and Killian had come to an understanding. She wasn’t completely sold on the idea of being Killian Jones’s friend, but she wasn’t going to view him as the enemy anymore either.

 

For the first time since they arrived, Emma woke up without the feeling of dread for the day. She wasn’t exactly looking forward to the rose ceremony, as she had been warned that they would likely be filming until six that morning. 

 

All of the women would have to give detailed before and after interviews, they each needed to have their bags packed so they could leave immediately if they didn’t receive a rose, plus there was another mixer that night. All in all, it would be a very late night and they had been warned that they might want to sleep in.

 

Emma was an early riser, not by nature of course, but due to her hectic work schedule, mornings were the only time she could get in her usual run. She missed being able to go to the gym. Hitting a punching bag was her preferred stress relief, but for now, running would have to do.

 

Ruby was still sleeping, so Emma crept into the bathroom carrying some of her workout clothes. She changed and brushed her teeth, but left her shoes off until she was out of the room.

 

Just as she was slipping out the door, she saw Tamara sneaking back into her room carrying a bowl of milk and a small hotel sized box of captain crunch cereal. Emma cringed, thinking it was by far the worst choice she could have made given the large spread the caterers brought in every morning.

 

She made her way downstairs to find that no one else seemed to be up yet. She tugged her shoes on and slipped out the side door, looking back to make sure no one had seen her, and ran straight into a body with a hard thud.

 

There were two equal grunts.

 

Emma stepped back looking up to find that she had run straight into a slightly sweaty Killian. His eyes were trained on her and a smirk overtook his face.

 

“Emma?”

 

Shit. Deflect she thought to herself.

 

“What are you doing here?”

 

He cocked up one eyebrow, while simultaneously allowing his tongue to poke at the inside of his cheek.

 

“I think perhaps I should ask the same of you. Aren’t you ladies all supposed to be on lockdown in there?”

 

“Possibly.” Yesterday she would have given him a snarky retort and took off, but today she was going to try. She brought her right arm across her chest to stretch it out. “But as you and I have agreed to be friends, I’m going to trust you not to rat me out.”

 

He let out a hearty laugh. “Touché, although I now have an answer to the question that’s been bothering me all week.”

 

She switched arms and cocked her head to the side questioningly.

 

“The mystery of how you and the lady Wolfe escaped your shackles the other day. I run out here every morning and I don’t think I’ve ever noticed that door before. You seem to have a knack for finding things.”

 

Old Emma would have panicked that he was asking questions, that he might somehow ruin her cover, but new Emma was going to continue to deflect. She turned around and bent over to grab her ankles, letting her head fall between her legs.

 

“What’s wrong Jones, scared I might find your secrets?” She heard his breathe catch.

 

She straightened up and started jogging towards the same trail she had used that first morning. Her pace was brisk and steady, and for every step she took, she heard his foot falls behind her.

 

Her pace remained steady, and he stayed close but she noticed his breathing was becoming heavier with every mile they ran. 

 

* * *

 

When they finally reached the dock at the back of the property, he nearly keeled over onto the wooden planking. She took a few laps of pacing around to cool off her muscles before moving to sit at the edge, allowing her feet to dangle above the water. He finally managed to steady his breathing and joined her.

 

“I’d tell you I’m dying but I’m not sure that’s a strong enough way to put it.”

 

She let out a small giggle before turning to look at him.

 

“What’s the matter Jones? Can’t handle it?”

 

“I assure you, love, my cardio endurance has nothing to do with it.” He gave her a small wink as he popped the t and the end.

 

Admittedly, he wondered what it would be like to have her breathing just as heavily underneath him, panting out his name.

 

“So, tell me Emma, how is it that you’ve hardly even broken a sweat?” 

 

She shrugged. “It’s my job.”

 

He quirked one brow at her, encouraging her to continue.

 

“Fitness writer. I have to stay in shape.”

 

If he wasn’t so wrecked from the run he would have thrown in a comment about what fine shape she was in, but his brain was still lacking oxygen and unable to form any witty coherent thought. It was better that way though. His friendship with Emma was still new and fragile.

 

“And how does one get into such a line of work?”

 

“It’s complicated.” She shrugged her shoulders again. It was a nervous tick he had come to notice. “Sometimes life doesn’t work the way you thought it would so you take what you can get.”

 

How well he understood her. He too had expected his life to go in a completely different direction. He felt himself nodding his head as he gazed out across the water.

 

“It’s not all bad though. I got Ruby out of the deal.” 

 

“Ah, yet another mystery solved.”

 

She looked at him questioningly again. This time it was he who gave into his nervous tick, allowing his finger to come up and scratch behind his ear.

 

“The lady Wolfe may have suggested that you were best friends, but when I asked how you two met she was a little evasive.”

 

“What are you saying Jones? I’m not model material?”

 

“I,” he said faltering on his words. He never meant to imply that she was unattractive, not when just the sight of her made all of his blood shift south. “No, I, uh”

 

“Relax Jones.” She let out a small chuckle. “I was just teasing. I’m well aware that Ruby is a ten and I’m much further down the scale.”

 

He felt the blood rising in his ears. He needed to say something, anything to salvage himself from the humiliation he was feeling.

 

“That’s not what I was trying to say. I merely meant that you and she are very different people, and wondered how you came together.”

 

“I know that she comes off as brazen, but she’s the only person in this world that I trust fully. She was there for me at my lowest. Everyone bailed and she was still there at the end. You’d be hard pressed to find someone with a kinder heart than her.”

 

He wanted to press the subject. She was obviously holding on to something, but whatever it was, he could sense that it had caused her suffering, and as much as he wanted to know about it, he couldn’t bring himself to ask her to relive it. They were still practically strangers, and truthfully, he wasn’t even sure why he cared so much.

 

He chalked it up to the loneliness the producers where forcing on him. Regina had warned him that they used isolation as a weapon, so he’d be starved for affection. Apparently it was working.

 

She interrupted him from his musings. “Okay, if we’re going to do this friend thing, we should get to know each other better.”

 

She seemed like a completely different person today. Perhaps it was getting to her too.

 

“Fair enough. How about this? We each get to ask three questions and the other has to give an honest answer to two of the questions, but one can be a lie if you like.” 

 

He watched her face as she contemplated his offering. “Okay.”

 

He smiled, not having expected her to agree given her reaction to his previous truth or dare recommendation. “You start.”

 

“Question one, what is your favorite book?”

 

“Really? A million possible questions and you go with favorite book?” 

 

“You can tell a lot about a person from what they read, that is, if they read.”

 

He pondered her question. It was a simple enough question, and he’d rather save his lie for the more personal question he knew she was dying to ask him. Instead, he would simply deflect and hope she didn’t read too far into his answer.

 

“Easy, Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea. I’ve always loved the water and what boy wouldn’t love a tale about sea monsters.”

 

Seemingly satisfied with his answer, she continued. “Question two, why Boston?”

 

He paused, trying to decide how to answer. The truth may have lead to further questioning. She must have sensed his trepidation so she continued.

 

“It’s a big world. You’re obviously not from here, mate,” trying to give her best accent and failing miserably, “so why here?”

 

“Okay, but before I answer you must promise me never to do _that_ voice again. You’re luckily I find you so endearing, because that was bloody awful.”

 

He felt her give him a shove with her elbow. 

 

“It wasn’t that bad.”

 

He looked over to see her face lit up and more carefree than he had seen it the entire week they had been there.

 

“Well it certainly wasn’t good either.” He winked at her teasingly. “And I came to Boston for a fresh start. One of my best friends lived here so I thought why not.”

 

She was silent for a minute and he braced himself for her next question. It was one he got in every interview, and he was certain she would ask it as well. Why did he leave the band?

 

“Your turn.”

 

“Um, did I miss something? I believe you still have one.”

 

“You never specified the terms of this little game, so I’ve decided I’m within my rights to wait and ask it at another date. Besides, you already gave me your two truths, so it would be pointless to ask you anything right now anyway.”

 

“You’re sure that what I’ve given you is the truth?”

 

“Yes. I should have warned you that I’m a human lie detector. Your answers may not have been the whole truth, but they weren’t lies either which is good enough for me. Again, it’s your turn.”

 

He hadn’t expected that at all.

 

“Okay, um, what’s your favorite drink? And before you say whatever just popped into your head, you can tell just as much about a person from their favorite drink as you can a book.”

 

She smiled at him. “It depends. Tequila if it’s a good day, whiskey if it’s been rotten.” 

 

He cringed.

 

“What, something wrong with my answer?”

 

“No,” he mused. “I’m just remembering my last dalliance with whisky, or trying to. Remember how I told you I lost a bet? It still very fuzzy, but I do remember waking up the next morning, feeling worse than I have in years, and smelling it all over me, which has since soured me on it.”

 

He watched as her face reddened, trying to figure out how that story could have possible have embarrassed her. Perhaps she had he own embarrassing story of overindulgence.

 

“Ah, I have a good one for you. What’s your favorite Lost Boys song?”

 

He wasn’t sure why he asked. It opened him up to questions about his departure, and she still had another question saved up, but the words had just fallen out of his mouth.

 

“Honestly?” He nodded waiting for her. “I’ve never heard any of your music.”

 

“You can’t be serious!” He watched as she shrugged again. She looked down and drew her knees in on herself like she was trying to become as small as possible.

 

He brought his hand to his chest and sighed dramatically. “Emma, you’re killing me here.” 

 

For his efforts he got another elbow shove, but her laughter made it worth it.

 

“And with that, I think I too shall save my third question for a later date.”

 

She gave him and eye roll as she stood up stretching her legs.

 

“It’s getting late. We should probably get back before we’re missed.”

 

He was remised to admit she was right. They had a long day ahead of them and his team would arrive in about an hour to start getting him ready.

 

When they returned to the mansion, and she left him to return inside, he felt a twinge of sadness deep in the pit of his stomach. He wasn’t ready for their morning to end yet, and the longing he was beginning to feel frightened him. This was never supposed to happen. He wasn’t supposed to become attached to her. 

 

* * *

 

When Emma had returned to the room, she found Ruby still asleep in the same position she had left her in. Emma toed of her shoes and grabbed some clothes before heading into the bathroom for a much needed shower.

 

When she returned to the room she found Ruby awake and getting dressed.

 

“Um, I’m supposed to tell you to go to the RV.” Ruby’s words were timid, and her eyes were apologetic.

 

Emma trudged her way out to the RV slowly. Whatever it was couldn’t have been good. Assuming Graham was pissed at her again for something, she was shocked to find the person waiting for her was Regina.

 

She only had about two seconds to sit before Regina laid into her, and if she had been worried about Graham’s wrath, it was nothing compared to the stare down Regina was giving her.

 

“Miss Swan, need I remind you of why you’re here?”

 

Emma looked to Will and Robin, who were both actively avoiding eye contact, seemly mesmerized by something on the ceiling.

 

“No”

 

“So then I shouldn’t need to remind you that my client’s life is in jeopardy and that you have been tasked with protecting him and getting to the bottom of who is trying to kill him.”

 

“No.” Emma was becoming increasingly irritated. She was fully aware of why she was there, and was quickly tiring of everyone questioning her ability to do her job.

 

“And I suppose I also shouldn’t need to remind you that you’re being watched, and doing a fantastic job at failing to act like you’re a woman seeking the affections of wealthy gorgeous man.”

 

Emma’s mouth fell open.

 

“Seriously Miss Swan, you can’t possibly be this daft. I know I said that you were a shoe in but right now, it’s painfully obvious that you have no desire to be here, and no interest in him. So how am I supposed to justify you being here to the executives if you aren’t going to at least pretend to play along.”

 

Emma was spoiling for a fight, but as much as she wanted to argue, Regina had a point. She had been awful to him until recently, none of which had been captured by the camera crew or her team.

 

“I’m sorry, you’re right.” That was enough to draw back the attention of Robin and Will who seemed shocked at her admission.

 

Regina gave her a cautious look. “Okay then. I need to go speak with him, but you are going to sit here and these two,” pointing at the boys, “are going to teach you how to seduce Killian Jones.”

 

Six eyes blew wide open.

 

“Regina,” Robin started, “I’m not sure how comfortable I am.”

 

Regina cut him off. “What, you’re not comfortable trying to get your friend laid? Because I’m fairly certain neither of you has ever taken issue of it while at that stupid bar of yours.” Robin face was practically a tomato at that point. “And I’m not suggesting that she needs to sleep with him, just that she needs to entice him for the cameras.”

 

With that Regina stormed out of the RV towards Killian’s cottage. 

 

“Oh my God,” Robin started. “I’m absolutely mortified.”

 

“I’ve always wondered what you saw in her mate, but I think I get it now. You like her dominating you in bed don’t ya?” Will only meant for it to be teasing, but when Robin’s face filled even further with blush, Will realized he was on to something. “Oh bloody hell, you do, don’t you!”

 

Emma had remained silent, absolutely horrified by the last fifteen minutes.

 

“Perhaps we should get back to the issue at hand here.” Robin turned away from Will but it wasn’t enough to block out the riotous laughter coming from the front end of the RV.

 

“Right,” Will said with a nearly feral grin plastered across his face. “So, let’s get this class started. Seducing Jones one-oh-one.”

 

Robin chocked on air.

 

“Well, I’ve always found that he loves it when a woman-”

 

“We are not doing this.” It was the first thing Emma said in ages. “I have a plan. You two can talk me though it while I’m out there, and please keep it rated PG thirteen. Also, I need one of you to get me a flask of his favorite rum.”

 

Emma bolted from her seat right after. 

 

* * *

 

Killian showered quickly knowing that his primp crew would be at his front door soon. When he heard the knocking on the door, he was surprised to instead find Regina waiting for him.

 

Before he even had the chance to invite her in, she stormed passed him taking stock of his accommodations. Without saying a word, she sat on the couch and pulled a small cardboard box out of her bag, setting in on the table in front of her.

 

“It’s your favorite, and I went out of my way to get it so eat up.”

 

Killian wasn’t one to usually indulge in sweets, but when the bakery down the street from his penthouse started serving alcohol infused cupcakes, it quickly became one of his favorite nighttime treats. The Havana Night rum infused ones being his favorite.

 

When Killian opened it he eyed it wearily. The icing had been smooshed by the top of the box, looking like a toddler had tried to play with it, but it was still edible. He scarfed it down nodding to Regina in appreciation. It wasn’t until he had eaten the entire thing that she returned her focus to her phone.

 

He remained quiet. Regina didn’t coddle her clients, so he knew that her gift came with strings. 

 

“Spill it, Jones.”

 

“I can honestly say that I have no idea what it is you are referring to this time.”

 

Regina let out a grunt, which for as composed as Regina normally was, shocked him.

 

“I’m referring to you.”

 

He furrowed his brows willing her to explain further.

 

“I’ve seen the footage, and you are not you right now. What happened to the flirty Captain Guyliner?”

 

He felt every muscle in his body tense up. “One, I haven’t been Captain Guyliner in a long time, so you can stop with that right now. As far as your question, I’m not sure what you expect of me. I’ve told you repeatedly that I have no wish to pursue this particular title.”

 

Her eyes were fixed on him, scrutinizing every inch of him. “You have a gaggle of beautiful women throwing themselves at you. When has that ever been a problem for you, unless,” her eyes narrowed in on him, “you like one of them.”

 

It wasn’t a question.

 

“What I like is that I’m one week closer to freedom.”

 

“No, that’s not it. You do don’t you. You like one of them.”

 

“Regina, as you pointed out, it’s a mansion full of beautiful women. A man would be a fool not to like at least some of them.” He waggled his eyebrow at her.

 

“I’m no fool, Jones. You have a thing for one of them, something beyond a physical attraction. Which one is it?”

 

“Regina.” It was a warning.

 

She continued watching him. “You know it’s okay to move on. You can’t mourn forever and she wouldn’t want you to.”

 

“Regina, say another word about it and you and I are over.”

 

Regina knew enough to understand this wasn’t one of his idle threats. Speaking of her was forbidden, had been for two years now.

 

Regina put her hands up in surrender. “Regardless, we still have a show to put on and I need Killian Jones, lothario, back. We’ve talked about this. You’re supposed to be the guy that hits on anything with legs who slowly develops into a kindhearted man in love.”

 

Before she could say more there was a knock on the door indicating that hair and makeup was there. Regina stood, taking back the now empty cupcake box, and left before infuriating him more.

 

Over the next two hours as his team worked meticulously giving him facials and scalp messages he felt all of the tension leave his body.

 

* * *

 

Emma slipped the flask into a strap on her thigh hidden by the flowing skirt of her dress, but not before taking a swig of it herself. She had almost thirteen hours of fake smiles and placating words in front of her.

 

She put her earpiece back in checking in with the guys making sure they could hear her and Ruby. She had let Ruby plaster her with makeup and left her hair flowing. She also insisted that Ruby wear her beloved red striped hair extensions.

 

She had a plan. She might not be able to do much about how people watching the show would perceive her, but she could make sure that Killian was still interested.

 

She and Ruby made their way downstairs, checking in with Mary Margaret before making small talk with the other ladies. Emma was aware that for as awful as she had been to Killian, she had made zero effort towards blending in with these women.

 

When Mary Margaret started calling some of the women to line up for interviews, Emma snuck out of the room into a hallway that connected to where she knew Killian would be waiting. He was sitting in a chair along the wall with his eyes closed while production crew milled around talking to each other.

 

Emma looked around and found a small pebble on the floor that must have come in on someone’s shoe. She lobbed it at him, hitting him square in the chest. He sat up abruptly, clearly confused. He looked around the room trying to piece together what had just pulled him from his thoughts, when he spied a small white piece of gravel.

 

He searched the room and finally caught her eye as she leaned into the doorway just enough to get his attention. She motioned for him to join her in the hallway, which he did.

 

“Emma, did you miss me already?” He smile was big and his eyes were almost twinkling.

 

“No, I just thought, as a friend,” making sure to emphasize the word friend, “that you could use something to loosen you up.”

 

She bent forward, inadvertently giving him a glimpse down her top, while reaching down to pull her skirt up. He gasped. When she looked up at him his eyes were almost black, with only the smallest ring of blue. He let his bottom lip drag across his top teeth.

 

“Not like that!” She reached up to grab the flask. “Third question, what’s your favorite drink?” 

 

“Ah, what a waste of a question, because I’m fairly certain that my answer will be whatever you have in there.”

 

She gave him a sly grin. “Even if I said it was whisky?” 

 

She watched his face contort into something of disgust. 

 

“Well perhaps not, but if you’re truly asking, it’s rum.”

 

She reached her hand out to offer him the flask. As he grabbed it his fingers brushed hers for just a moment and she found herself almost immediately missing the warmth of his touch. Perhaps she had taken a bigger swig of rum that she thought she had.

 

He opened the top of the flask and gave it a smell. He face lit up like a child receiving a present.

 

“And how may I ask, did you manage this,” he asked while tilting the flask to his mouth. He took a generous gulp.

 

“I have my ways. You be surprised what a low cut blouse can get you from the catering crew.” She winked at him.

 

His face scrunched up, a flash of anger fluttering across his features, but then it was gone, and he took a full gulp of the rum.

 

“Well I seem to be in your debt.” He handed her back the flask.

 

As she grabbed it back, she took a step closer and leaned into him so that her mouth was next to his ear.

 

Her whisper blew warm air across the shell of his ear and she could feel him suck in a breath and hold it. “I’ll tell you what. This one is on me, but the next drink can be on you.” She stepped back toasting the air with the flask, giving him one last wink before she shoved him back into the room where he was meant to be waiting.

 

She watched as his expression shifted to confusion again, knowing that, at least in part, he was remembering something about that night. She giggled to herself feeling accomplished. Perhaps flirting with him could be fun as long as she remained in control. She took one more small sip of the rum before replacing it on her hip.

 

When she returned to the room with the other ladies, she was called up to give her pre-interview. Ruby helped her through it, telling her what to say to give the best impression for a watching audience. After her interview, she returned to the room, she began to mingle with the other ladies again.

 

It wasn’t until about twenty minutes later that she heard Agent Charming come through her ear. “Um, guys, our guest of honor as acting a little strangely.”

 

“What do you mean,” Regina asked. Apparently they were going to have a full audience tonight.

 

“I’m not sure. If the way he’s been acting around Agent White is any indication, he’s suddenly very, how do I put this, erotically charged.”

 

Emma blushed. “Sorry,” she whispered under her breath. “That may be my fault, I may have supplied him with some social lubrication in the form of rum.”

 

“You what?” Regina almost shrieked and Emma saw how Ruby blanched at the sound.

 

“It wasn’t that much. I just thought if I gave him some rum, it might help me bond with him.” There was a full two minutes of silence before Will spoke up.

 

“Well this night’s about to get interesting. It seems that Regina may have dosed him, and by may have, I mean she straight up slipped him an extended release Xanax in some cupcake icing earlier today. Mixed in with the rum you’ve just provided, well, tonight’s anyone’s guess.”

 

Emma shared a look with Ruby. She could practically hear Ruby thinking fuck over and over again.

 

Agent Snow came in next. “Should we cancel the ceremony?”

 

“No.” Regina seemed to have managed some form of composure again. “Let’s just see how this plays out and make sure to get plenty of footage so we can savage this evening in editing.”

 

When Killian finally made his way to the staircase, he was practically strutting.

 

“Ladies, ladies, your prince has arrived.”

 

With that, all of the women starting giggling and swooning. It took everything Emma had to not roll her eyes, just in case she was on camera. Instead of walking down the stairs, he hopped in the banister and slid his way down.

 

As the women started crowding him, the corners of his mouth turned up and he returned to the man she had met in the bar.

 

“Okay,” Regina said. “We need you ladies to stay close to him and make sure he doesn’t get himself in trouble.”

 

Easier said than done.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always feel free to come yell at me on tumblr: wellhellotragic


	9. 9

 

“Guys, can’t mixing those two kill him?”

 

“Relax, Miss Lucas. It was a small dosage and if Miss Swan really didn’t give him that much rum he should be fine. Just keep an eye on him.” Regina seemed annoyed at Ruby’s questioning.

 

For a woman who hours earlier seemed so concerned with his welfare, Regina seemed oddly calm. So did Robin and Will. Was Emma the only one worried about him?

 

“I assure you all that Killian’s liver has survived much worse than this. It’s not an ideal situation, given that tonight is a huge filming slot, but we’ll just have to make do.”

 

With that, Emma really did roll her eyes. She could see her aggravation mirrored on Ruby’s face.

 

“Okay everyone,” started Robin. “The wait staff was already given full instructions to not let him have any alcohol, just try to get him to drink as much water as possible.”

 

Emma scanned the room and found Killian was still talking with a group of women at the foot of the staircase. She looked back to Ruby who was grabbing a champagne glass filled with water off of a serving tray. Ruby lifted the glass and used it to point towards Killian’s direction to signal she was on hydration duty.

 

She looked around the room searching for Tamara and found her speaking to a petite blonde woman. Emma knew her name was Tina from the FBI’s dossier but for some reason she had insisted all of the women there call her Tink.

 

Emma walked up to the two ladies and asked then what they thought their chances for staying were. It wasn’t her best entrance line but given that the other ladies saw her as the snob of the group, it would work.

 

She could feel Tamara’s eyes scanning her from top to bottom and back up again, even as she faced Tink.

 

“Well, I’d like to think that I’ve made a good impression. We seem to have an easy banter.” Tink was almost glowing as she said it.

 

“I’d say my chances were pretty damn good. Underneath it all, men are really about one thing, and that’s something I have a good handle on.” As Tamara said it, Emma couldn’t help but notice how Tamara stuck her chest out a little bit more causing her strapless dress to slip slightly lower. “What about you Emma? You haven’t really seemed all that interested. What do you think your chances are?”

 

She knew that she had completely cocked up everything those first few days. She hadn’t made any effort to hide her disdain at being there, and people had definitely noticed. Emma glanced back at Killian to find his eyes on her. As soon as he noticed that she had seen him watching her, his eyes shifted back to one of the women in front of him.

 

“I’ve always found that men want what they can’t have, so we’ll see if playing hard to get was the right move soon enough.”

 

There was a loud eruption of laughter and all three women looked back to find Killian flailing his arms around in the air animatedly telling a story. Emma smiled in spite of herself.

 

Emma spied Ruby next to Killian with her arm draped around his shoulder and felt an odd pang in her chest that she couldn’t place. She shook her head to push past it, and noticed that Ruby was still holding the glass of water. She motioned for Killian to take it but he waved the offending liquid off. When Emma turned back to the ladies next to her, she found that only Tink was still standing there.

 

She looked around but couldn’t find Tamara anywhere. She excused herself from Tink’s company moving towards a hallway that led to the kitchen. Once in the empty hallway she asked if anyone had seen where Tamara went.

 

Both Agents White and Charming told her that they couldn’t see her anywhere on the floor. Robin and Will scanned the footage from other cameramen and the security cameras but there was no sign of her.

 

“Oh ruddy hell.”

 

Emma waited but Will didn’t elaborate.

 

“Will?” Emma was almost equally annoyed as concerned.

 

“The main security camera in the room has been hacked. It’s on a loop.”

 

Emma felt her hands balling up beside her as she paced back and fourth down the hall. “So does that mean she knows we’re here?”

 

Silence.

 

* * *

 

Killian felt better than he had in months, years maybe. All of the guilt and sadness he had been clinging to melted away, and was quickly replaced by euphoria. Everywhere he looked he saw wanton women throwing themselves at him. All except for the blonde vixen across the room, but even that couldn’t dampen his mood right now.

 

They were hanging on his every word as he told a story about the first time he tried driving in America. All of the cars were on the wrong side of the road, he was on the wrong side of the car, and everything was ass backwards. He knew the story wasn’t overly funny on it’s own, but he was good at embellishing, and before he knew it the story involved a flock of sheep and a yellow umbrella. Even he couldn’t keep up with the tale that he was spinning, but the women waited with baited breath.

 

“And then, I said you don’t have to be sheepish with me, love.” Everyone listening busted at the seams with laughter.

 

The tall brunette next to him had her arm around him, as she tried to hand him a glass of clear liquid.

 

“And what, my darling, are you doing with that poison?” The brunette’s eyes snapped up at him. Confusion had started settling into his bones. He was having a very difficult time remembering names tonight, instead deflecting with pet names that he found made most woman quiver in anticipation. He new she was friends with Emma. _Emma_. That name he remembered for some reason.

 

“Come on, love. Let’s find you something worthy of those lips.” He gave her a wink and pulled her towards a waiter.

 

The tray had two glasses of champagne left. Killian grabbed the first one quickly and handed it to Ruby. As he tried to grab the second one the waiter shifted quickly and Killian almost knocked the glass over but was able to catch it before it fell.

 

Ruby grabbed the second glass out of his hand startling Killian. “Lass, if you’re worried about this evening, I assure you alcohol will have no adverse effects on my abilities to please.”

 

Ruby gave him a feral grin, one that told him she would soon be his for the taking.

 

“No, I just promised Emma I would grab her a glass.”

 

Hearing her name was almost enough to sober his mind. Almost.

 

“And where is the lady Emma?

 

He and Ruby turned to look around the room for her, but the golden halo he had come to associate with her hair was nowhere to be found. As Ruby turned to look behind them, he felt an arm pulling on him, dragging him across the room.

 

The door shut behind them and he felt himself being pushed against the wall as lips descended upon him. He couldn’t remember her name but she was attractive enough. She may not have been as lovely as Emma, but at least wanted him, something Emma has expressly declined.

 

He felt good. The only thing nagging at him was that Emma didn’t want him, and probably never would in that way, but he pushed those thoughts back, ready to embrace the euphoria trying to take over his body.

 

He kissed her back. It was sloppy. Teeth clanked together, and he was left with a mouthful of her saliva all over his face.

 

She pulled back just long enough to bring a glass of champagne up to his mouth. He willingly took it.

 

“You seemed like you might want this.”

 

“This wouldn’t be a bribe now would it?” He grinned as the words fell from his mouth.

 

“I like to think of it as incentive. Why do you think I’ve never lost a case?”

 

As he listened to her laugh, he threw back the fruity nectar and tried to remember which one she was, finally landing on the lawyer.

 

* * *

 

“Guys!” Emma could feel her stomach flipping. She was interrupted by a waiter coming back from the kitchen, and tried to plaster a small smile on her face. Realizing she couldn’t hide there all night, she continued to the kitchen.

 

There was still silence, even Ruby wasn’t answering. Emma grabbed the small flask out from under her dress and poured the remaining rum down the sink before refilling it with water from the tap.

 

She made her way back into the main room searching for Killian. She felt a hand wrap around her wrist. Twirling around she found a flustered Ruby.

 

“Please tell me that Killian was just with you!” Ruby sounded exasperated.

 

“Ruby?”

 

“I’ve searched everywhere and can’t find him. He was standing right next to me and I turned around for two second and he was gone, and I can’t find Tamara anywhere either.”

 

“Shit. Is your com working?” Emma refused to panic but she could feel the worry creeping in.

 

“No, it went out right after I lost him.”

 

“This is not happening. Okay, go talk to Agents Charming and White and see if either of them saw which way he went. Then fan out and start looking.” Ruby nodded in agreement.

 

Emma went straight to the balcony hoping that perhaps he had wondered out there on his own, but it was empty. She went to Tamara’s room next, but again, no one was there. As she was leaving she couldn’t help but notice that there were a couple of small cereal boxes lined up on the dresser by the door. They were all Captain Crunch boxes and Emma scrunched up her face thinking about how awful that cereal was. Remembering Tamara sneaking into her room holding a box of it, she realized that it must be Tamara’s dresser.

 

She pulled out the drawers giving them a quick inspection to see if she had hidden anything that Ruby could have missed. She felt around the top of each drawer to see if anything had been taped up but it was clean. Looking around the room one more time Emma gave up and left to continue her search for Killian.

 

“Swan, can you hear us?” Finally.

 

“Where the hell have you been?”

 

“Sorry, we turned the coms off to sweep for any other possible active frequencies. We didn’t find any so we believe that Tamara hacked into the main camera feed as a precaution to help her move around unseen. We don’t think she suspects anything.”

 

Emma shouldn’t have been upset with Robin. She understood protocol and that it was a safety measure, but it couldn’t have come at a worse time.

 

“And I don’t suppose any of you have seen Killian or Tamara on the video feeds.” Emma winced as she said it, knowing how bad the situation was and that Regina was likely still listening in.

 

“Excuse me?” It wasn’t really a question. “You lost him?”

 

“Emma,” Ruby panted out. “I’ve been through the entire garden but no sign of either of them.”

 

“How exactly did you two idiots lose him?”

 

Emma had enough of Regina’s snark.

 

“Regina,” Will cut in, “you’d be surprised how easy it is. Robin and I have lost him on more than one occasion. He’s sneaky like that.”

 

Emma heard a huff and wasn’t sure if it was coming from an embarrassed Robin or an indignant Regina.

 

“Perhaps he is, but neither of you were being paid to keep an eye on him at the time.”

 

“Regina.” Emma was seeing red. “I wasn’t the one who drugged him. I wasn’t the one manipulating him for personal gain. This is not my fault, so get your head out of your ass and help.”

 

Regina said nothing more, but Emma could hear a few muffled snickers coming over her com.

 

“White, Charming, have you found anything?”

 

Agent White chimed in with less pep than normal. “Not yet. The second floor is clear, but I don’t think they could have gone all that far. We’ll find him.”

 

“Nothing yet,” Agent Charming responded. “Wait, I hear something.” There was a long pause.

 

“Whoa.” Will’s voice was filled with disgusted surprise.

 

“I’ve got him. They were in one of the hidden butler’s pantries.”

 

Emma took off towards the kitchen area to make sure he was okay.

 

* * *

 

The door swung open and a bright light filled the closet. Killian squinted his eyes and realized it was the flashlight from one of the still filming cameras. The woman gave him one last smile and began tugging him from the room. The blonde hair cameraman gave him a look but he just shrugged and grinned.

 

They brushed past the cameraman to head back into the main area. Just as he cleared the doorway, with a hand still intertwined in his, Emma and the brunette came barreling towards him.

 

Emma’s gaze flickered down to their joined hands before she looked back up to him with big eyes. There was something there but he wasn’t sure if he was reading her right. Was she jealous?

 

God he hoped she was.

 

He gave her a devious grin as he leaned over to whisper in her ear. “What can I say, love? Not my fault I’m devilishly handsome.”

 

He leaned back and watched her eyes fall to his lips before snapping back up to meet his. Her face filled with blush and he felt victorious.

 

Before they could continue Mary Margaret was at his side calling for him to go outside to a mini- set they had built in the gardens. She explained that he would be getting a little more one on one time with each woman, and not to hesitated showing PDA for the audience.

 

As the first girl came out, he couldn’t help but think of Emma as he immediately leaned into her.

 

* * *

 

“Bloody hell. This is disgusting.” It was the first time Emma had heard a curse word fall form Robin’s mouth.

 

“We’re going to need to lace his next meal with Dettol to kill all of the bacteria running though his mouth right now!”

 

Emma had been listening to Robin and Will give commentary on Killian’s actions for the last hour and a half.

 

A big part of the show’s ratings depended on the sexual tension running through the house. Emma understood that. _Sex sells._ Still, she was disgusted and wished that she could skip over hearing every last detail.

 

The one upside to what had essentially turned into a kissing booth was that Killian had constant supervision in the form of David. Mary Margaret had retreated inside ushering girls one by one to interrupt Killian’s current tête-à-tête.

 

Emma looked over just in time to see Mary Margaret approach Ruby and pull her outside.

 

Most of the other woman had found there way back into the lounge where they were sitting on the couches drinking more champagne. They were all gossiping about their one on one time with Killian and about what a great kisser he was. Anastasia, possible the only woman in the house the others liked less than Emma, stood up.

 

“You all have no self respect. He was only kissing you lot because he had to. He told me as much.”

 

“Excuse me,” came a fiery redhead. “There were sparks when we kissed. None of that was pretend.”

 

Anastasia let out a cackle. “You can tell yourself whatever you want, but at the end of the day, he’s already picked the winner, darling, and it’s me.”

 

“Whoa,” Tink spoke up in a whisper that only Emma could hear. “He told me the same thing.

 

This set the red head off. Emma thought for a second, regretting that third glass of champagne, and finally remembered her name. Ariel.

 

Ariel was a good six inches shorter than Anastasia, at least, but that didn’t seem to intimidate her as she launched at the blonde. The two of them rolled around on the ground pulling at each other’s hair and screaming obscenities.

 

“Swan, as much as Will loves a good catfight, perhaps you should intervene.” Emma rolled her eyes at Robin, knowing he wouldn’t be able to see her form the direction she was facing.

 

“Oi, perhaps we should see how this plays out.” Of course Will would take the crude route.

 

Emma for her part had had enough of this evening. Between the commentary she had listened to all night, and the new lip smacking sounds coming into her ear form Ruby’s com, and the now fourth glass of champagne in her hand, she was rearing for a fight herself.

 

She leaned over the two women and grabbed at the tips of their ears pulling forcefully, causing both women to cry out in pain.

 

“You are both pathetic!” She cried out. “Seriously, why are you fighting over him? You hardily even know him.”

 

“Why are _you_ even here?” It was Tiana this time. “Look, now I was raised a nice southern girl and I’ve always been told if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all, but this is enough. You’ve made it abundantly clear that you don’t want to be here, so why are you?”

 

“Excuse me.” The alcohol floating around Emma’s bloodstream had made it hard for her to think.

 

“Why don’t you just do us all a favor and leave?” All of the other woman stood up at this point.

 

“Why don’t you come over here an make me?”

 

Emma had only a split second to regret her words as two woman charged at her. Normally it wouldn’t have even been a worthwhile fight. Emma was well trained for her job, and both of the woman leaping at her were quite petite.

 

Of course, Emma also wouldn’t have been quite so drunk during a fight though either.

 

Tiana landed square on Emma while Ariel had underestimated how far Emma was a way and fell onto the middle of the floor. Emma was able to quickly flip Tiana so that she was on top of her and landed a punch to Tiana’s jaw.

 

Before she could pull her fist back for another blow though someone was behind her with their arms wrapped around her neck. She fell back onto the other woman just as Anastasia pounced.

 

Emma felt a sharp pain just above her left eye. She kicked her leg out to the side and swept Anastasia to the ground. Ariel’s arms were still wrapped around her neck so she rolled herself backwards and slipped out of her grasp.

 

Before any more punches or kicks could be thrown though, the camera crew had descended and pulled all of the girls apart. All of the women were panting and Anastasia yell out to Emma that she would end her. Emma tried to run forward, but one of the cameramen held her back, finally pulling her into a hallway to calm herself down.

 

She heard Ruby ask her what was going on but she refused to answer. Her rage slowly started to shift to Ruby. Ruby was her partner, she should have been there to have her back, but instead she was outside making out with Killian.

 

* * *

 

“Mmmm.” The moans were coming from both Killian and the gorgeous woman kissing him. He had imagined this from the moment her first laid eyes on her.

 

“Guys, I’m sorry to interrupt, but there seems to be a situation in the main house and we need to finish the rose ceremony now.” David started.

 

Of course the pixie’s husband would interrupt them. Killian had noticed the way David always tensed up when Killian spoke to Emma, like a protective older brother. Why did Killian think he would stand idly by while Killian and Emma made out in a romantic garden setting?

 

“What’s going on?” That sobered Killian up. The voice came from right beside him, but definitely did not belong to Emma. Bollocks. She didn’t even look anything like her. How much had he had to drink again if he was already starting to see things?

 

He had experienced something similar right after Milah. Her face was everywhere, but usually only after a full bottle of rum.

 

Bloody hell, to make matters worse, the woman across from him was Emma’s roommate. That wasn’t going to help his cause as all.

 

“It seems there was a bit of an altercation inside and they want to record the ceremony before there’s time for swelling or bruising.” David shook his head in disbelief.

 

The cameraman and Ruby both started walking inside. Killian tried to stand but felt like his legs were made of cement. He was so tired and just wanted to sleep. The only thing that helped push him through it was knowing that Emma was inside and he wanted to see her.

 

When he finally found his way inside, the lounge had become a war zone. Furniture had been shoved over and broken glass was everywhere. Some of the women had frazzled hair and ripped dresses. He took in images of busted lips, black eyes, and purple cheeks.

 

When his eyes finally found Emma he felt the air rush out of him. She had clearly been involved in whatever had happened. She looked mostly okay, but there was a gash above her eye.

 

* * *

 

The ceremony went fairly quickly. The production crew had decided that it would be better for ratings if the women were still sporting their injuries during the filming. Emma had really hoped that one of the girls she fought would be ousted from the house, but her luck had never been that good.

 

Instead, the three women who left had been relatively shy and kept to themselves. Well, at least two of them had been. The third was a woman named Cruella. It would seem that animal cruelty wasn’t something viewers were normally all that keen on.

 

As the evening wrapped up, and all of the interviews had been given, Emma found herself far too alert to fall asleep. She went to her room and found Ruby humming to herself as she brushed her teeth.

 

“You really missed out tonight.”

 

“What?” Emma asked.”

 

Ruby spit and came back out of the bathroom.

 

“I said, you really missed out tonight. He’s quite the kisser.”

 

Emma felt a knot form in her stomach. “Yes, I heard as much from the twenty other women in the house.”

 

“Emma, you’ve got to loosen up.”

 

Emma really didn’t want to hear anymore about Killian’s prowess or how dysfunctional she was emotionally. She quickly changed into a tank top and an old pair of cutoff sweats. She slipped on a pair of flip-flops and ran out of the room before Ruby could say anything more.

 

She wandered around the house for a while before finally making her way up to the terrace. When she opened up the big double doors, she was surprise to see a man’s silhouette leaning against the balcony railing.

 

“I would have figured that you’d have gone to bed already.”

 

He didn’t move so she went to stand beside him. She looked up to find his eyes closed. He had managed to fall asleep standing up. She put her hand on his shoulder and lightly shook him until his eyes fluttered open.

 

“Emma.”

 

Too tired to hold himself up anymore he let himself slump down to the floor. Emma sat next to him waiting for him to speak.

 

“You’re here.”

 

“Way to note the obvious.”

 

He chuckled, as his eyes remained trained on the ground.

 

“You seemed to have had an eventful day.” She hoped that it would come out light and playful but her voice betrayed her.

 

He glanced to her quickly before letting his sights fall back to the floor again.

 

“You were avoiding me again so I made do.”

 

He slumped over and let his head fall onto her lap. Emma felt the edges of her mouth curve upwards against her will.

 

“Emma. You should stay away from me.”

 

The smile quickly faded from her lips.

 

“And why is that?”

 

There was a long silence before he spoke again. “Because, everyone I care about either leaves or dies. It’s better for you to stay away.” His words were starting to slur as they became softer. “I couldn’t live with myself if anything happened to you too.”

 

Emma didn’t respond. She wanted to, but it was too honest of a confession and she couldn’t think of anything to say back that wouldn’t sound utterly stupid. Instead, she ran her fingers through his hair.

 

His breathing evened out and she continued to stroke the hair from his forehead. He seemed so different while he slept. He was more innocent, like the mask that Robin spoke of had disappeared.

 

As she sat there, caressing him, she felt the wind begin to cut through making the air colder. Killian was far too gone to make it off the terrace, much less back to his cottage.

 

Instead, she gently lifted his head and allowed herself to ease out from underneath him. She made her way back to her room quickly. She was grabbing the extra pillow and comforter from her bed has Ruby came back into the room from the bathroom.

 

“Are you seriously going to sleep somewhere else?” Ruby had folded her arms across her chest and was tapping her foot on the ground.

 

“No.” Emma moved to leave again but Ruby stopped her. “Emma?”

 

Emma rolled her eyes again. “Killian is passed out on the balcony so I was just getting him a blanket so he won’t freeze.”

 

“Wait, what balcony?”

 

“The secret balcony.”

 

“And how do the two of you know about this secret balcony?” Emma saw Ruby’s eyes widen as she started putting the pieces together.

 

“I know about it from the blueprints, and he knows about it because he followed me there one night.”

 

“And you both just happened to be out there tonight?”

 

“Ugh, I don’t have time for this.” Why wouldn’t Ruby just let it go?

 

Emma pushed past her but Ruby followed.

 

When Emma and Ruby made it back to the terrace, Killian was exactly where she left him, except he was convulsing.

 

Emma dropped the blanket and pillow and ran to him. She rolled him over so that he was on his side and felt for his pulse, which was weak.

 

“Ruby, go get help now!”

 

Emma heard the panic in her voice and Ruby bolted back to the main part of the house.

 

Emma held Killian until he stopped shaking. She rolled him back over onto his back and noticed that he had stopped breathing. She felt tears rolling down her cheeks.

 

“Killian? Killian! No, no, no, Please come back to me.”

 

She shook him but he continued to lay there unconscious, not breathing. Emma leaned over and put her lips to his trying to breath for him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always you can come yell at me on tumblr: wellhellotragic


	10. 10

 

His eyes were still too heavy to open but he heard machines beeping from somewhere near him. Faint voices floated in from outside his room. In his fatigued state he couldn’t quite make out what they were saying, but he thought he heard Emma’s voice for just a moment before he drifted back to sleep.

 

When Killian woke again it was to a quiet room. There were still a few beeps coming from machines but not nearly as many as before. This time he was able to open his eyes and found himself in what appeared to be a hospital room. Confusion settled over him.

 

He still felt weak but he was able to look around. Robin and Will had taken up the only two chairs in the room and both men were fast asleep. Killian tried to think back, in an effort to remember why he was there, but everything was a jumble. The last clear memory he had was of jogging with Emma.

 

Killian was pulled from his thoughts by a loud sound. He turned his head just in time to see something white flying across the room, followed by a startled grunt.

 

“What the hell was that for?” Robin sounded indignant.

 

“Because you’re a git. Now I get why Regina’s such a shrew all the time. If I had to try sleeping next to that noise every night I’d be a murderous evil winch too!” Will’s voice was still groggy. 

 

“One, I’ll not have you speak that way about her. Two, keep your voice down, and three, what exactly is it you’re on about anyway?”

 

“Mate,” Killian’s throat hurt and his words sounded raspy, “you snore like a lumberjack.”

 

Both men jumped up and stepped up to Killian’s bedside. Even in the darkness of the room, Killian could see the relief wash over both of their faces.

 

“What happened?”

 

Killian noticed Robin and Will shared a look. 

 

“You don’t remember?”

 

Killian tried again but it was pointless. What little he could remember was a blur, but most of it was a black hole. He shook his head. He wasn’t sure why but he felt too ashamed to say the words out loud. This wasn’t his first time in this position, waking up in a hospital bed with no memories of the night before, but he had always been responsible for those nights. He may not have remembered what happened, but he could feel it in his bones that he was innocent this time.

 

“Um,” Robin started hesitantly. “Two of the girls from that show you’re doing found you seizing and unconscious in the house. One of them called 911 while the other one gave you CPR. The hospital called us as it seems Will and I are your emergency contacts.”

 

Killian closed his eyes waiting for whatever else Robin had to say. He heard footsteps approaching and he couldn’t help the way his heart sped up, nor could he ignore it as the machine beside him beeped in warning. A piece of him hoped that it would be Emma, that she cared enough to hold vigil at his beside, but a larger part of him prayed that it would be anyone else. He never wanted her to see this side of him, the screw-up causing unnecessary chaos for everyone in his life.

 

When he opened his eyes, he found Regina clinging hesitantly towards the edge of the room holding a carrier filled with coffee cups. She gave him a tentative smile. It was so out of character for her that it made Killian’s gut seize up.

 

“You gave us quite a scare,” she finally said. She looked to Robin directing her question at him alone. “Did you tell him?”

 

“No, he’s only just woken, and I thought it might be best coming from you.” Robin stepped back motioning for Will to follow him. “We’ll give you some privacy.”

 

Both men left the room but not before each grabbing a coffee from Regina’s carrier box. Regina stepped slightly closer towards him but averted her gaze, looking anywhere but him.

 

“How long have I been here?”

 

She finally forced herself to look at him, her eyes glossy with unshed tears. 

 

“Three days.”

 

Three days. He’d done this before but never for so long. His normal poison included too many prescription pills and a nice bottle of rum, but he’d never been out for more than a day, and whatever had caused this had to be serious.

 

“This,” she starts, struggling to find her words, “this is my fault.” He watched the tears finally fall across her cheeks. In the nearly decade he’d known Regina, he’d only seen her cry once before, when her fiancé suddenly passed away from an undiagnosed heart condition just before the wedding.

 

His thoughts passed to everything Regina had told him over the past year. He thought about how she’d told him time and time again that he needed to sober up, and then helped make excuses for his behavior to the press and his friends. Did she blame herself for his being there? Did she blame herself for never stopping him before?

 

“Regina, I know what you’re going to say, but I swear to you, I didn’t do anything this time. I promise.”

 

“I know.” Her words were almost sobs. “But I did. You were nervous, so I crushed up some pills and hid them in that stupid cupcake I gave you. I made sure that none of the caterers would serve you champagne, but I never counted on one of the girls in the house giving you alcohol.”

 

Killian wanted to be angry. He wanted to yell and scream at her but he was too tired, and she looked too broken. He swallowed hard trying to compose himself.

 

“And is this the first time you’ve done such a thing?” He sounded much calmer than he felt.

 

“No.” He heard her sniffle but kept his eyes trained on the ceiling. “But I promise it was the last time.”

 

All he could bring himself to do was to nod.

 

“I should go let everyone know you’re okay. Emma was fairly distraught when she found you.”

 

“Emma?”

 

“Yes, she found you and gave you CPR while Miss Wolfe called for help. She’s been quite concerned.”

 

Regina left without another word leaving Killian alone once again. His mind was racing and his emotions were a whirlwind, but the one thought that kept sneaking his way to the forefront of his mind was that Emma had worried about him. Emma cared.

 

* * *

 

Her hands were throbbing from all of the compressions while she waited for anyone to appear. She breathed for him for what felt like an eternity before she saw a beam of light in the distance. It was a helicopter landing in the garden. She continued giving him CPR, praying to every God in existence that he would be okay.

 

As she continued into what felt like her thousandth round of compressions she heard him gasp for air. She felt his neck. His pulse was there, weak but there. She laid her hand on his chest and felt it rise and fall slowly.

 

Soon Ruby appeared with two paramedics and a stretcher in tow. They asked her to step away so they could begin working on him. Ruby pulled her back inside so the paramedics could have enough space. Emma wanted to fight back against Ruby, but she was too weak. She hadn’t realized how much energy she had used trying to keep Killian alive.

 

Instead she stared out the glass door watching as they hooked him up to a machine. They pulled his eyelids up and lifted a small light above each one. She watched helplessly as they put him on a stretcher and carried him past her through the atrium.

 

All of her strength left at once and she slumped down on the floor, only aware of the lights of the helicopter disappearing in the distance.

 

“I need to go.”

 

Ruby was still for a moment watching her. Finally she nodded. Emma was able to pull herself onto her feet again with the help of Ruby and both girls made their way downstairs to find Robin, Will, Agent White, and Agent Charming waiting for them.

 

Agent White gave her an encouraging smile and told her that they should go, and that she and Charming would make sure to keep an eye on things at the mansion. The four of them made their way into Robin’s car, mindful of the empty car seat in the back.

 

The drive to the hospital took forever. The one drawback of the mansion that had been discussed during mission planning was that it was far out of town and if any emergencies arose, it would take too long to get medical assistance out there. As a contingency, Graham approved use of a helicopter that could fly to the hospital in less than a third of the time it would take for an ambulance.

 

Almost forty minutes later they pulled up to the front of the hospital. Robin didn’t even bother parking his car, instead electing for valet parking. When they made their way to the waiting room, Regina was already waiting.

 

Killian was being attended to, but there was no further word on his condition. They waited in silence for almost three hours before a peroxide boy-wonder of a doctor finally came out to address them. Killian had been stabilized but was still unconscious. They weren’t sure when or if he was going to wake up. The doctor had sent his blood out for testing at Regina’s insistence when she arrived, but it would be a day or two before they would get the results.

 

They asked if they could see him, but the doctor said it would be awhile before he could have visitors. They waited again in silence.

 

It was Ruby who broke. “I’ve been thinking. We need a plan.”

 

Emma felt her breath catch. Killian was still in there fighting and Ruby was already working on contingency plans for his death. Ruby must have understood what Emma was thinking and hand reached over settled on Emma’s thigh.

 

“I meant for when he wakes up. I don’t think that Regina’s cupcake and a few sips of Rum was enough to cause this reaction. We need to figure out what happened. Agents Charming and White helped to make sure all of the girls were kept away, so they all think the paramedics were there for a filming crew member.”

 

“She’s right. The dose I gave him was way too small for this reaction. Tamara must have dosed him at some point.” Regina looked smaller than Emma could have imagined as she leaned against Robin.

 

“So,” Will asked, “what should we do.”

 

“We keep going. You four keep investigating, and I’ll take the blame for this so Killian doesn’t find out that Tamara is after him.”

 

Emma felt bile rise in her throat. She wanted to throttle Regina. Why was she so intent on keeping this from Killian? He should know what was happening so he could protect himself. She focused her anger on Regina, it was easier that way somehow. As long as she was angry, she didn’t have to wonder when she became so attached to a man she meant to hate.

 

Eventually Dr. Whale came out to talk with them again. Killian had been moved to a room. Whale informed them that there was no change in Killian’s condition, but that he would allow two of them to see him at a time. Robin and Emma were the first to go back.

 

Emma just needed to see for herself that he was still there, still breathing. She couldn’t let herself focus on the fear that was threatening to take over her body, or the question of why she was so afraid.

 

He looked so much younger lying there with wires tethered all over his flesh. Whale had told them that Killian was still breathing on his own which was a good sign, but it was still a waiting game.

 

Emma and Robin both stood next to him and just watched him for a bit. One of the machines started beeping incessantly and Robin told her he was going to go find a nurse to check on it.

 

As soon as he stepped out of the room, Emma’s hand found a mind of it’s own and reached out to brush the hair off of Killian’s forehead. She didn’t stop herself from continuing the motion though.

 

“Hey,” she whispered. “I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have left you.” His last words replayed in her head over and over.

 

‘ _Everyone I care about leaves._ ’

 

That’s exactly what she had done, wasn’t it? She left him out there alone while she went to grab a blanket.

 

“If I hadn’t left, or if I found you sooner you might not be here right now. I’m so sorry. It won’t happen again though. I won’t let anything else happen to you. I just need you to wake up for me, okay?”

 

She heard Robin clear his throat from the doorway. She followed him back in the hallway while a nurse went in to check on the machine. Waiting for her was Graham. Will had already explained to him what happened.

 

“Swan, why are you here?”

 

The question caught her off guard. Why wouldn’t she be here? Her charge was in the hospital, where else would she be?

 

“Killian’s in there.”

 

“Yes, and I’m sure that’s why Locksley and Scarlett are here, but why are _you_ here?”

 

Emma saw something flash in his eyes. It was the same look he gave her in the RV before. Was it jealously? Emma felt the irritation building. Graham had no right to be jealous. There was nothing going on between her and Killian, and even if there had been, she didn’t belong to Graham.

 

“I’m sorry, I don’t understand.”

 

“Agent Swan. You are undercover as a contestant on a game show. As such, you have no reason to be here. You need to return to the house with the other contestants before he wakes up and suspects anything.”

 

She felt her heart skip a beat as Grahams words ‘before he wakes up’ sunk in like it was a sure thing. It was that idea that she held on to, stopping her from lashing out at him saying all of the things that she wanted to.

 

So instead she held it in. She didn’t tell him that he was being ridiculous, or that jealousy didn’t suit him. She didn’t tell him that she and Killian were just friends, if even that, after how horrible she had been to him that last week. That thought alone though was enough to sober her up and temper her anger.

 

She and Killian weren’t anything. He probably wouldn’t care if she was there or not. In fact, he’d probably think she was a crazy stalker for following him there when they hardly even knew each other. It had only been a week. Maybe she was crazy.

 

That was why she finally left, taking one last glance back at Killian. She and Ruby rode back to the mansion in silence. The girls made there way back up to their room, exhausted by the early hour and the excitement of the previous evening.

 

It wasn’t until Emma fell against her bed that she remembered her pillow and blanket were still out on the balcony. Ruby offered to go grab them for her, but Emma refused, knowing that Ruby was just as tired as she was.

 

Emma practically dragged herself outside to retrieve them, almost tempted to remain on the terrace as she had planned to do next to Killian. It was still cold though, and she couldn’t be out there without thinking of him, so she steadied herself for the trek back to her room.

 

She was almost back to the atrium when she caught the sight of moonlight gleaming off of metal. She knelt down to pick it up. It was a long chain with charms hanging off of it, and a ring. She knew it was Killian’s the moment she spied the skull and dagger. She had seen him wearing it in pictures from his band days.

 

Without thinking she pulled the necklace over her head to keep it safe until she could personally return it to him.

 

* * *

 

The next morning, Killian waited for the doctor to sign his discharge papers. While Killian was grateful for the medical expertise he demonstrated, he couldn’t help but be put off by him somehow. Perhaps it was his arrogant attitude, his lack of good bedside manner, or his over processed hair.

 

Robin and Will were waiting with him, ready to take him back to the cottage he had been calling home for the past week. He longed to return back to his own penthouse, but his contract was solid, and barring death, he had to return. _Death_. He had been awfully close to finding his way to that loophole.

 

It was almost noon before he was finally allowed to leave. Whale told him to wait a few minutes and he would have a nurse bring his clothes and other belongings to him. When she finally brought in the bag, he found himself groaning realizing that the clothes he had arrived in where from the rose ceremony, and decidedly not comfortable.

 

Inside the hospital bag, he also found his wallet, the small microphone and transmitter used on the show, and three silver rings. He slide them over his fingers, happy to have them back where they belonged. He reached back into the bag to search for the chain he always wore, only to find it missing.

 

He grabbed the bag and turned it upside down. When it didn’t appear, he hastily began checking all of the pockets in his pants and coat, but it wasn’t there.

 

“Mate, what’s wrong,” Robin asked.

 

“My necklace, it’s not here.” Killian began checking all of clothes again, looking on the floor of the room as well.

 

“Calm down, it has to be somewhere, we’ll find it. Will, go check with the nurses and see if maybe it was misplaced.”

 

Will grunted and left the room.

 

“Now are you sure you wore it that night? Maybe it’s still back in the house you were staying in.”

 

“No,” Killian yelled. “I never take it off. It has to be here.”

 

Both men searched through the room, opening drawers, checking under the bed, but it wasn’t there. Will returned and informed them that the nurses said it wasn’t on him when he arrived.

 

Killian felt sick. The chain and the charms, they didn’t matter to him, but the ring that hung with them, that was irreplaceable.”

 

The entire ride back to the mansion he felt empty. That necklace was the only thing he brought with him when he moved to the states. The only thing he had left of his old life, and now it was gone forever.

 

Robin and Will dropped him back off using directions Regina had given him. He hadn’t spoken to her since she left after admitting that she had been drugging him for years, and he couldn’t say he minded. He needed time away from her to forgive her, and he wasn’t sure if he’d ever be able to trust her again.

 

When he made his way into the cottage, he didn’t even bother offering to show Robin or Will around the mansion or surrounding area. Both men proposed a scouting mission of sorts trying to see if the could locate his missing necklace, but he refused. He just wanted to be alone.

 

They saw themselves out and Killian went straight to bed, hoping he’d wake up and it would have all been a dream. He’d wake early and go for a jog, hopefully run into a certain blonde on the way, and things would be back to normal.

 

He knew though, as he drifted off, that nothing would be fine. There was no normal, and he felt utterly alone once again.

 

* * *

 

Three days. It had been three days since Killian was flown out on an emergency helicopter and she still hadn’t heard anything about him. There were no phones in the mansion, and she had no way to contact Robin or Will. Even if she could get a hold of Graham, he probably wouldn’t tell her anything.

 

Instead she wallowed in her shared room with Ruby, refusing to leave. Ruby tried bringing her food, but she wasn’t hungry. Sleep was elusive, only coming in spurts that left her gasping awake from nightmares she couldn’t remember.

 

She was growing restless, stir crazy waiting to hear back, and that’s when she realized how much trouble she was in. In only one week, he had somehow managed to find his way passed more walls that Walsh had in two years. How had she come to care about him so much so fast?

 

She had known since her first heart to heart with Robin that she and Killian were kindred spirits in a way. Both knew of loss, of heartbreak, of pain, but there was something more in his eyes. He knew of betrayal, and the feelings of inadequacy. He knew her better than even Ruby in a way, and it terrified her.

 

Killian deserved more than his lot in life. Whatever happened back in England had left him broken, and he came here only to find himself being taken advantage of by his friends and manager.

She wasn’t any better though having to lie to him about herself to protect him. It ate at her. He deserved more.

 

She was up shit creek when it came to Killian Jones.

 

She was broken from her musings by a knocking sound on her door. She looked at Ruby, who seemed just as perplexed. No one ever came to their door. When Ruby got up and opened it, they found Agent White beaming from ear to ear.

 

Agent White informed them that Robin had called her and that Killian was awake and was going to be fine. They were still holding him for observations, but he should be released in the next few days. She also told them both that they need to get dressed and meet her outside in ten minutes.

 

Emma and Ruby both did as instructed. Agent White, who at that point insisted on being called Ava, motioned for them both to get in the car parked next to her. They did, assuming that she was taking them in to the office to talk to Graham or something equally awful.

 

When they pulled up outside a bar thirty minutes later, Emma looked to Ruby for any indication of what was going on. Ruby was just as confused, but seemed eager to go with it.

 

“I just thought, that after the past few days we could all use a night off to relax.” Ava shrugged and got out of the car.

 

Ruby and Emma followed her inside. The bar they were at was more like a pub than a real bar, but Emma wasn’t going to complain. Killian was going to be fine, and back home soon, not that the mansion was really home.

 

All three women ordered drinks that continued through the night. Ava tried to cut herself off after her second drink since she had to drive them back, but Emma and Ruby insisted that they could all just get a hotel room instead.

 

Filming over the past few days had mostly been done in the background. The production crew had explained to the women that they needed more filler shots, occasionally taking a few interviews from some of the rowdier girls. No one had really questioned where Killian was, assuming that it was a filming tactic to keep him away.

 

Emma was able to relax and have fun for once. Ava, while still quite perky, wasn’t nearly as annoyingly happy as Emma had originally thought. She still had a rose-colored-glasses way of looking at life, but she had some edge too. It was a good balance and she fit in with them perfectly.

 

The girls spent the night drinking and telling stories the way they had with Robin and Will. For her part, Ava admitted that pretending to be married to Agent Charming wasn’t too bad of a gig. When Ruby asked her if she had a crush, Ava’s faced turned bright Red.

 

Emma saved her by mentioning that she hadn’t missed the way Mulan had been watching Ruby, and it was Ruby’s turn to blush. Emma realized then that she might have just thrown her best friend under the bus. She had never had an issue with Ruby’s sexual fluidity, but she hadn’t even stopped to consider how the other agent there would react. If Ava had a problem with it though, she didn’t let on.

 

When both women asked Emma about her and Killian, Emma choked on her drink. Both of them had noticed the way Killian couldn’t keep his eyes off of her, something Emma brushed off. They had also noticed how they took morning jogs together, and often both disappeared right after filming was over.

 

Emma assured them both that she and Killian were friends at most, but both women shared a looked meant to express that they didn’t believe her.

 

By two in the morning, last call had sounded and the three women found themselves walking to a hotel three blocks away. Ruby and Emma shared a bed, both managing to drift off quickly, but Emma found herself waking up to the sounds of someone throwing up in the bathroom.

 

Emma got up and fetched out one of the complimentary bottles of water and took it to Ava in the bathroom. Ava tried to apologize for waking Emma up, admitting that she didn’t normally drink so much. Emma told her there was nothing to apologize for. She sat up with her for another hour before Ava felt good enough to return to bed.

 

All three of them slept until it was time for checkout. They made their way back to the pub where Ava had parked, and Ruby made the executive decision to return to the pub. Ava tried to protest, but Ruby assured her that it was only to get some food in her stomach and that it would help.

 

After a very greasy meal they headed back to the mansion. The drive back took a little longer as traffic leaving the city was thick and slow. When they arrived, Ruby and Emma snuck their way back into the house using the side entrance so none of the other women would realize that they had been gone.

 

Not long after they made there way back to the room, there was another knock on the door. This time Emma went to open it and Ruby made her way to the bathroom to take a shower. On the other side of the door was Ava.

 

“As much fun as I had last night, I don’t think my liver can handle another adventure this soon.”

 

Ava laughed. “No, I just thought you might like to know that a certain bachelor was released from the hospital this morning and is back in his cottage.”

 

Ava didn’t even wait for a response before turning and leaving. It wasn’t until she was a few feet down the hallway that Emma heard her singsong voice saying that the hallway was clear.

 

Emma bolted not even taking a moment to worry about her smeared makeup or wrinkled clothes. It didn’t take long for her to reach his door. She knocked tentatively but no one came. She knocked harder, thinking he just hadn’t heard her. Again, no one opened the door. Slightly panicked, worrying that something had happened, she started pounding on the door instead.

 

When the door opened, her breath hitched. He had wretched the door open and looked completely startled. Without thinking she launched herself at him throwing her arms around his neck.

 

She felt him take a step back to brace himself. His arms came around her, soft at first, but then stronger. Realizing that she had basically just attacked him, she released him and took a step back.

 

The sight of him made her eyes widen. She had been so intent on seeing him that she hadn’t even realized that he was only wearing a pair of boxers. She refused to let herself acknowledge how much she enjoyed what she saw. Instead she tried to keep her eyes trained on his face, only allowing them to drift lower once or twice.

 

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to just jump you,” she blurted out.

 

He let out a small chuckle. “It’s okay, you just caught me a bit off guard, Love. I just woke up, you see.” He reached his hand up to scratch behind his ear as he looked down, obviously only just now registering to himself how little he was wearing. “Um, if you’ll give me just a moment I’ll go change.”

 

“Oh, no. I shouldn’t even be here should I?” Emma didn’t wait for him to say anything, only noticing the way his smiled faltered momentarily. “I just heard you were back and I wanted to check on you.”

 

“Ah, yes, that.” His hand came up again and Emma wondered why he was so nervous. “It would seem that my manager made an ill advised attempt to ease my nerves, one that didn’t react well with the rum you gave me. I actually wanted to apologize if I worried you,” he paused, “or if I did anything to make an ass of myself.”

 

She smiled back at him. “No, no, it’s fine. I’m just glad you’re okay.” She saw the blush rising to his cheeks from his neck, his empty neck. “Oh, oh! I have something of yours, I think. I found it out on the balcony.”

 

Emma reached under her shirt grabbing the charms and pulling off the necklace. She held it out to him and he took it slowly, staring at it in his hand. Before she could say anything else, or leave, he pulled her to him holding her in a tight embrace. She could barely breath he was holding her so tight, and she also found that she barely cared.

 


	11. 11

 

“Spill!”

 

Emma hadn’t even put both feet through the door before Ruby’s interrogation began.

 

“Spill what?” Emma tried to feign ignorance but Ruby saw through it.

 

“Don’t play dumb with me Emma Swan! I’m talking about you and the hunky guy one cottage over.”

 

“Ruby,” Emma sighed, “there’s nothing to tell. We’ve mutually decided to be friends since we’re both stuck here against our wills. That’s it.”

 

Ruby glared at her with narrowed eyes and furrowed brows. “Then why do you blush when I bring him up?”

 

Emma rolled her eyes. “That’s not blush. That’s the blood rushing to my head from frustration at your pointless prodding.”

 

“Emma, you may be a human lie detector, but you’re still a piss poor liar. I didn’t push it in front of Ava, but I’ve known you for six years now, and I’ve never seen you like this before.”

 

“I’m not _anything_. I’m just trying to make it through the operation with what little sanity I can maintain. You do remember that I just ended a two year relationship a few weeks ago, right?”

 

“That relationship,” Ruby spat as she used air quotes around the word relationship, “was crap and you know it. He was your safety school, not your dream university.” 

 

“Ruby!” Emma’s anger surged. She knew in part that Ruby was right; Walsh was a safe bet, and when push came to shove, he would never be the love of her life. Perhaps in time she could have come to feel love for him though. “He proposed the week before we broke up.”

 

“What,” Ruby screeched. “Why didn’t you tell me? Did you say yes to him?”

 

Emma took a deep breath trying to temper her seething rage. “I didn’t tell you because I knew you would try to talk me out of it. I told him I needed time to think about it, but before I could give him an answer, I found him in our bed with another woman. And yes, I was considering it before I saw her riding him to kingdom come, so while you seem to think my love life was a joke, he meant something to me.”

 

Emma was as headstrong as they came, and although she had had that exact argument in her head more than once since the break up, this was the first time she had come to the conclusion that Walsh was someone to her. She wasn’t sure if it was an epiphany, or the result of taking a stand against Ruby though.

 

Ruby opened her mouth twice to say something, but quickly closed it both times. Emma had done the impossible. Ruby was speechless.

 

Every nerve in Emma’s body was telling her to flee, from Ruby and the thoughts running around in her own head, but before she could leave her door crept open.

 

“Sorry to bother you girls,” Ava started, “but can we talk for a minute, about the show?” Ava winced a bit knowing that Emma still didn’t love the idea of being undercover in the house and was certainly not going to enjoy what was coming next.

 

“What?” Emma tapped her foot on the ground in an effort to relieve some nervous energy.

 

“Well, I just heard from Regina and the network and, after the fight last weekend, they want to market you as the bad girl, Emma.”

 

“What?” It was more of an exclamation than a question.

 

“Well, they’ve shown some of the footage to a focus group and apparently they ate it up. They aren’t really your biggest fans per say, but they loved watching you snap at the other girls. You bring a certain amount of drama to the show and the focus group kept saying they couldn’t wait to see what you did next.” Ava took a step back just in case Emma’s balled fist tried to find a place to attack.

 

“You have got to be kidding me! You do realize that you don’t actually work for the network, right?”

 

“Emma,” Ruby interrupted, “this could actually be a good thing. Think about it. It lets you stick around without having to be the phony nice girl you hate playing. You get to be more ‘you.’”

 

Emma whipped her head at the last remark and gave Ruby a fierce look. If looks could kill, Emma’s emerald green eyes would have been the deadliest weapons the world had ever seen.

 

Is that really how her best friend saw her? As a surly beast that hated everything about the world? 

 

It happened. Emma ran.

 

* * *

 

Killian had been given instructions not to do anything too exacerbating for the next day until they needed him for filming. He had missed four days already, meaning there was one group date and a one-on-one date he needed to make up.

 

Killian’s first instinct was to ask if Emma could be his one-on-one date. While he knew what they had wasn’t romantic and it may be awkward for both of them to film intimate scenes, it would be nice to have someone there that he got along with and didn’t have to feign interest in being around. Someone that he felt he could trust.

 

The producers, though, had already decided to send him away on a glamping trip with a woman that went by the name Tink. He had also been informed that no matter the outcome of the date, he would need to make sure to present her with a rose. Killian couldn’t even remember which one she was though.

 

The group date would include ten women from the house taking a trip into the city to one of Boston’s oldest distilleries, followed by dinner. Killian had asked to see a list of the women who were going on the group date but Mary Margaret had explained that she didn’t have the updated list yet.

 

Killian felt everything slipping away. He had completely lost control of his life. Every facet of the next seven weeks of his life had already been decided. It took getting admitted to the hospital before he was even allowed to speak to anyone outside of the show, aside from Regina.

 

Since Killian couldn’t film for the rest of the day, the producers had allowed him to visit with Robin and Will at his cottage, as long as their presence didn’t disturb filming background shots of the women to be used as fillers for promos.

 

Robin and Will had brought over a few six packs of beer, but after his brush with alcohol and Xanax, Killian felt sick at just the smell of beer.

 

“So, I managed to get a peek at some of the lovely lasses you’ve been tasked with wooing, and I’m not really sure what’s crawled up your arse. Do you know how many men would give their left hand to trade places with you?” Will had barely even sat down before starting in on Killian.

 

“And how, may I ask, have you seen the women here? Have you been abusing your FBI power?” Killian was seated in what may have been the world’s most uncomfortable armchair.

 

Robin interrupted, “Depends on how you look at it. Regina brought home some of the unedited footage to view on your behalf, and Will and I may have caught a glimpse.”

 

“Great.” Killian slumped down in the chair and let his head fall back. He closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose in an effort to calm himself. He was glad his friends were there, but he didn’t need them to have ammunition against him later. Then there was Regina, and somehow her showing his friends footage without his permission felt like another betrayal.

 

“Seriously though mate,” Will continued, “some of these birds are hot as hell, so why are you so opposed to being here? It’s really not that different from being in a bar full of willing women.”

 

Killian took a deep breath. He wasn’t sure how to properly explain his disdain for the show in a way that Will could understand. Will was used to the FBI telling him what to do and where to go on a moment’s notice. He had already been programed to accept orders without question. Killian had always had his freedom though, and this was something that he would never get used to. Instead, he chose a tactic that spoke more to Will’s tastes.

 

“This is completely different. When I take a lady home, it’s usually with the knowledge that she and I will spend a pleasurable night together that includes very few words. Here though, I have to listen to them drone on about the most idiotic things. Do you remember that blonde you dated until last year that drove you insane? Anastasia? She’s actually here as one of the contestants. And as far as the rest of them go, it’s like being around twenty of her.”

 

“Bloody hell.” Will took a long sip of his beer.

 

“Speaking of,” Robin started timidly, “Regina really does feel awful about what happened.” 

 

Killian grunted.

 

“Killian, I understand your frustration. What she did to you was wrong, but the intention behind it was pure - ”

 

Killian cut him off. “I’m sorry but you can’t be serious. She’d been drugging me for who knows how long. If she were really doing it to help me then she wouldn’t have felt the need to hide what she was doing. Regina was looking out for herself first and foremost.”

 

He hopped up and made it the kitchen in only four strides. He grabbed a beer out of the fridge and downed it in one go. As sick as the smell and taste made him, it was worth it if it helped drown his anger for a few hours.

 

Sensing the tension between Killian and Robin, Will made an effort to change the subject.

 

“So wait a minute mate, you’re telling me that out of all of the girls here, there’s not a single one you fancy?”

 

Killian hesitated for only a second before denying it, but that second was long enough for Will to pick up that Killian was lying.

 

“Oi, you do fancy one of ‘em don’t cha?” Will sat up excitedly like a dog being offered a treat. 

 

“I just said no.”

 

“Your words said no, but that pause said something different. Who is she?”

 

“Will,” Killian warned.

 

“No, no, lemme guess.” Will tapped the neck of his beer to the side of his head. “Lets see. I know you’ve always been a bit partial to brunettes and the occasional red head, so that cuts the list in half.”

 

“Don’t forget that he goes for blue eyes too,” Robin chimed in.

 

“Right, so who does that leave us with? Let’s see, there’s the librarian, the marine biologist, and the bear trainer.”

 

“Bear trainer?”

 

“I think,” Robin supplied, “that he’s referring to the park ranger that said she’s been helping some orphaned bear cubs.”

 

“I meant what I said. She’s been training ‘em up like pets. She was gushing about them like they were part of ‘er own family.”

 

Killian rolled his eyes, a habit he was almost certain he had picked up from his short time with Emma.

 

“The model!” Will exclaimed. “You’ve got a thing for the knickers girl. I could get behind that. Maybe she could arrange to give us all a private show with all of the latest fashions.” Will raised his eyebrows at the other two men.

 

Killian barked out a laugh at that. “I assure you it’s none of them.” Realization dawned on him that he had just admitted that there was someone. “I don’t fancy anyone. You both know me. I’m a one-and-done guy.”

 

“No, no, no. You don’t get off that easy mate.” Robin wasn’t normally one for gossip, but Killian had never shown genuine interest in a woman before and he was intrigued.

 

Killian ran his hand through his hair, before letting his fingers settle behind his ear. “Look, it’s not like that. I’m friends with one of them, but that’s it. Neither of us have any desire for it to be anything more.”

 

It was mostly true. Emma had never shown any interest in him beyond friendship. He was certain that her concern for him before was a mixture of guilt and friendship, and while he could easily admit to himself that she was highly attractive, he refused to let himself feel anything more for her. His heart had already been claimed and he wouldn’t betray that.

 

“Killian Jones, ‘friends’ with a woman. I never thought I’d see the day,” Will joked. 

 

“Perhaps I should buy a lotto ticket since apparently anything is possible now,” Robin added.

 

“Hey, before we leave did you want us to help you look for your necklace again?” Robin was already walking towards Killian’s bedroom to start searching.

 

“No need mate, it’s been found and returned already.” 

 

“Where the bloody hell was it,” Will asked.

 

“It was on the balcony where Emma found me.” Killian didn’t even realize he had used Emma’s name like it was so common his friends should already know who she was. He never used women’s names. It was always the girl from last night, or that girl in the black dress. “I guess the paramedics removed it while they were working on me, or maybe it just slipped off. She found it though and gave it back yesterday.”

 

Will and Robin exchanged a look. “What?”

 

“Nothing,” Robin supplied.

 

Will wasn’t ready to let it go so easily though. “Ya, I’m just a bit confused mate. You see, we spoke to Regina and between all of the production crew, grounds keepers, and contestants, no one seems to have known about the entrance to that balcony.”

 

“And your point is?”

 

Will walked towards him with a definite strut in his gait. “It just seems a bit odd that you would be up there, or that this ‘friend’ of yours knew where to find you. Ya know, unless you had planned on meeting ‘er up there.”

 

“Will, I’ve already told you, it’s not like that. We’re just friends.” 

 

“Ya, keep telling yourself that, mate.”

 

Both men finished their beers before excusing themselves to leave, explaining that they still had some work to do on their current operation. Before they left, Killian pulled Robin aside to ask him for a favor. Killian still wasn’t ready to speak to Regina yet, but he needed her to pull a few strings and do him a favor.

 

* * *

 

Emma hadn’t planned on finding her way to the docks. She had meant to wander aimlessly through the gardens, but before she knew where she was going, she started to smell the salt in the air.

 

When she reached the waterfront, she sat down and let her legs dangle over the edge. The tide had come in and the water was almost to her feet. She sat there for a long time, letting the breeze hit her face. It had helped to calm her.

 

She wasn’t sure how long she had been there before she heard footsteps approaching.

 

“Ruby, I swear to God, if you say more one more word about him I’ll shove one of your sky-high stilettos up your ass. “

 

“Sorry, love, but I’m not into that kind of play.”

 

Emma cringed at Killian’s voice. She had been certain that it was Ruby coming to track her down. It hadn’t even occurred to her that Killian liked coming to watch the water too.

 

“So this ‘he’ that you referred to, is he a friend or foe?”

 

Emma looked over to Killian who had come to sit next to her. Smiling at him she responded coyly. “That remains to be seen.”

 

Killian cocked one eyebrow up at her with a lopsided grin on his face. Emma rolled her eyes at him. “It’s nothing. Ruby seems to think that there’s something going on between us and won’t let up about it.”

 

“And why would she think such a thing?” he teased.

 

“Oh I don’t know, perhaps it’s all of the clandestine meetings we’ve been having.” She chuckled a little. “I think finding out that you and I had a shared secret balcony set her off.”

 

“Ah, and what would she say if she knew about the torrid love affair we’ve been carrying on out here at the docks?” He shot her shit-eating grin.

 

Both of them stared out at the waves for a while before Killian interrupted the silence. “I’ve been meaning to ask you, what happened to your eye?”

 

Emma furrowed her brows. There was nothing wrong with her eye. Killian raised his fingers and gently brushed them over the now healing gash above her left eye.

 

“Oh, that. I got in a fight with a unicorn.”

 

Killian was kind enough to let it go at that, but she knew he wanted to press her further.

 

“Let’s just say that having twenty some odd horny women locked up in a house together isn’t the most peaceful way to spend a weekend.”

 

Emma watched as Killian’s eyes widened, understanding. He gently grabbed her chin and pulled her face towards him so that they were only inches apart. Her lungs became paralyzed as she felt warm puffs of his breath hitting her face.

 

He studied the gash for a moment before looking her straight in the eyes. 

 

“Are you okay?

 

His genuine concern startled her. She could feel her heart starting to race as he looked at her with worry.

 

She swallowed loudly. “It’s nothing really. You should she the other girls.” She tried to smile at him but he was overwhelming her and she wanted to run again.

 

“Oh, speaking of,” she growled out, changing the subject. “My antics, as it was put to me, didn’t go unnoticed. I was just informed that I’m being branded as the shows ‘bad girl.’”

 

“What?” The previously concerned look on his face had shifted to confusion.

 

“I’m supposed to seduce you, while stirring up trouble and picking fights with the other girls behind your back.”

 

Killian gave a genuine laugh. “Emma Fowler, the bad girl of prime-time TV.” 

 

Emma gave him a very pointed look.

 

“I’m joking of course. This whole thing is just entirely too ridiculous sometimes.” 

 

“On that end I can agree.”

 

Killian’s laughter had finally died down. “Well at least it means they plan on keeping you around. I know it’s not really what you were hoping for, but for the sake of my own sanity I’m glad you’re not going anywhere too soon.”

 

Emma felt a slight flutter in her stomach but wasn’t sure why. Yes, Killian was an attractive man, and when he wasn’t a drunken fool she could understand why women were drawn to him. She just wasn’t one of those women.

 

“So tell me, Emma. How are you planning on going about seducing me? Just so I can make sure to act accordingly, of course.”

 

There was a sight glimmer in his eye as he watched her. The fluttering almost doubled, but she did her best to push it down.

 

“Oh, that’s the easy part.” She gave him a sultry smile. “Here, stand up.”

 

As both of them stood, Emma placed herself so that she was standing directly in front of him.

 

“You see, seducing a man is much simpler than seducing a woman. There’s no mind games, no intricate word play involved. It’s all about tactile sensations. First, there’s smell. A good perfume can do wonders for enticing a man.”

 

She watched him nod in acknowledgment. 

 

“Next, we have touch.”

 

As she said it, she lightly brushed her fingers against his forearm, dragging them softly up to his bicep. She leaned forwards towards him just close enough to whisper in his ear.

 

“And then there’s sound,” she whispered close enough that her lips brushed the shell of his ear. She felt him tense. “Men respond to low sultry voices.”

 

She leaned back again so that his eyes were trained on her face. She saw his jaw clenching and knew that her efforts were having the intended affect of him.

 

“There’s sight.” She let her tongue graze across her lips wetting them. His eyes fell downwards. “And finally, there’s taste.”

 

He closed his eyes and leaned forward, trying to close the distance between them. For a moment, Emma almost let him. She almost let herself want it, but her flight instinct kicked in and she took a step back.

 

“See? Easy.”

 

She watched his Adam’s apple bob up and down as he took a hard swallow. She was having a difficult time catching her own breath and needed to get away.

 

“I see. That’s, um, good information to have.” he choked out.

 

Both of them stood in silence trying to regain control over their bodies. Emma had only meant to rile Killian up, but somehow she had set herself off as well.

 

“I, uh,” he stammered breaking the silence. “I should probably get back. I have a one-on-one date set up with Tink. We’re glamping overnight, whatever that means.”

 

With that, Emma deflated, feeling like she had been kicked in the stomach. “Oh, I didn’t realize you were filming again already.”

 

“Aye, I have to make up for all the lost time this week.”

 

Almost sensing her thoughts he continued. “I, uh, I tried to ask for you, thinking it would be less awkward having an intimate date with someone I knew, but I don’t actually get much say in any of this as I guess you can imagine.”

 

Emma nodding back at him watching him toy with that nervous spot behind his ear. “Well I should let you go, I guess.”

 

Killian lingered for a moment, looking like he wanted to say more but just didn’t know how. Eventually he excused himself, leaving Emma to watch the water alone and wonder why she was so bothered by the idea of him spending a night alone in the woods with another woman.

 

* * *

 

When Killian arrived back at the cottage, makeup and wardrobe were already waiting for him. They readied him quickly, leaving him with a more rustic look. This was possibly the first time he had ever worn plaid in his life and he found that he didn’t hate it as much as he thought he would.

 

After he was finished, he was met outside with a small crowd. There was a town car that would take him, Tink, Mary Margaret and David, the main camera guy to their campsite. A small filming crew would follow behind them in small van.

 

David filmed Killian helping Tink into the town car before following her into the back seat. He also filmed them driving away into the sunset for thirty seconds before the car was ordered to turn back around. When it came back, Mary Margaret and David squeezed into the opposite side of the car so they could film the drive.

 

“The drive is going to take roughly an hour so I need you two to banter for a while for the camera,” Mary Margaret informed them. “Nothing sexual though!”

 

David turned to Mary Margaret giving her a quizzical look. She responded with a shake of her head before turning back to Tink and Killian.

 

“I guess we should start then.” Tink was ecstatic. “Thank you so much for asking me on this date. I’m really honored that out of all of the women in the house you picked me to get to know better.

 

Killian forced a smile, knowing damn well that she wasn’t his pick. “Well, lass, I look forward to seeing what this night brings us.”

 

They made small talk for a while, about how excited she was to be in the woods overnight, and her love of trees. As Tink made a joke about her love of wood, she brushed a finger up and down Killian’s forearm.

 

Killian tried his best to hide his smile, not wanted to lead her on. But when she leaned in and whispered something in his ear, he couldn’t help erupting in laughter. He hadn’t even heard what she said to him. He could only think about Emma, and her girls guide to seduction. They were only thirty minutes into the drive and Tink had already made her way through half of the list.

 

The only difference between Emma showing him and Tink actually using the methods was that Tink was having zero effect on him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always you can come yell at me on tumblr: wellhellotragic


	12. 12

 

Emma was antsy, filled to the brim with nervous energy that she didn’t know what to do with. She tried going for a long run but it only served to increase her agitation.

 

She tried telling herself that she was just nervous because Killian was out of reach and under the protection of two agents that she barely knew. A small voice in her head kept reminding her that Killian was spending a romantic night under the stars with another blonde, but she pushed it back. That could not be the source of her worries. That would mean she had feelings, something she refused to think about.

 

She had already decided that making idle chit-chat with the other girls was out of the question. Luckily for both of them, Ruby was doing a far better job of blending in with the other women than Emma was. She had managed to form a tentative ‘friendship’ with Tamara somehow, for which Emma was grateful. It meant that she wouldn’t have to spend time with her pretending to be interested in law.

 

Emma found herself becoming even more agitated thinking about that. As an FBI agent, she knew that Tamara had never practiced law and that most of her legal knowledge had probably come from one of the hundreds of generic legal dramas on TV. As Emma Fowler though, she had to fake naivety on the subject.

 

Emma was still chomping at the bit so she headed outside to check in with Robin and Will in the RV. She needed to see for herself that Killian was safe, refusing to let her mind wander to thoughts of what Killian and the micro-blonde were doing. 

 

Emma reached for the door to the RV just as a loud raucous came from inside. Robin and Will were highly entertained by whatever they were watching on the screens, but quickly silenced themselves as Emma stepped inside. She made for the opposite end of the RV, giving only a quick glance at the live feed.

 

Admittedly the campsite was gorgeous, with plush cushions laid out for seating and lights strung up through the trees. A plate full of fruit was laid out on a picnic table next to a miniature chocolate fountain, which Emma could only assume was being powered by a hidden generator.

 

What really caught Emma’s eye, though, was the sleeping area. It was a large, teepee-like structure made up of cream linens and adorned with silk drapings inside. Rustic candlelit lanterns were hanging from a log that ran the length of the tent, illuminating the space and making the inside appear warm and spacious. The crew had even gone through the trouble of laying down a wooden platform to block out the dirt and mud.

 

There was one only one cot, and while it wasn’t tiny, it would still make for close sleeping quarters. Emma’s stomach knotted at that thought.

 

Just as she was about to address Robin, she heard a small giggle come through the speakers. She looked up to see Killian squatting behind Tink, with his arms wrapped around her. Tink’s face was beet red as she leaned back into him and Killian, for his part, didn’t seem to mind being so close to her.

 

Emma needed something else to focus on. She sat at a screen in the back of the RV trying to remain out of hearing range from the feed. She refused to be curious about what the two of them were doing together.

 

The screen in front of her came to life and she muddled through files on the FBI’s hard drive. Almost an hour in, Emma had looked through a month’s worth of surveillance on Tamara prior to the show, with very little takeaway. It wasn’t until she got to the last three days of surveillance that she realized that many of photos featured the same man.

 

His back was always to the camera, but he wore the same green hooded coat each day and, while he never interacted with Tamara directly, it couldn’t be a coincidence that he was nearby so often.

 

“Guys, come here,” Emma called out.

 

Robin and Will trudged up, trying to crowd around computer in the cramped space. 

 

“Do either of you know who this man is?” she asked.

 

“No,” started Robin.

 

Will chimed in. “Why? Who is he?”

 

“I’m not sure. He’s always close to her though.”

 

She clicked through multiple photographs pointing him out. Sometimes he was sitting at a table in the bar that Killian frequented, or he would be walking down the street on the opposite side of the road from Tamara. He was almost always there though. Emma made a notation in the file to further investigate the mystery man.

 

Emma continued to go through files as the boys returned to the video feed of Killian. She pulled up Tamara’s finance reports, taking stock of the fact that Tamara was continuing to receive income, but from an untraceable source.

 

“Look at ‘em go!” Her musings were interrupted by Will yelling at the screen in front of him, followed by a muffled thump. “Oi, what was that for?”

 

Emma glanced up to see Robin giving her an apologetic look. When she leaned back to peek at the monitor, she saw Tink straddling Killian on the cot. Every muscle in her body tensed. Images of Walsh and the red head began floating through her mind.

 

As she felt her eyes begin to sting, something inside her snapped. She was letting herself get too emotionally involved with Killian, and she needed to distance herself. A voice in her head screamed for her to flee but she was trapped. She needed this investigation to be over so she could go back to New York and leave all of this behind her. She needed to do what she did best.

Run.

 

“Robin, I need one of those burner phones. Now.” 

 

* * *

 

Killian’s face was beginning to hurt from the forced laughter and fake smiles. When the car pulled up to the campsite and everyone disembarked, Killian attempted to keep his distance from everyone, determined to make it through the evening with as little social interaction as possible.

 

Mary Margaret seemed to register his trepidation about the entire thing, for which he was grateful, but her husband had clearly missed the memo. David kept suggesting things for Killian and Tink to do together to increase the romance.

 

They had only been there for about twenty minutes before David took it upon himself to push the two single cots together and swap out the existing comforters with a single larger one. It was a move meant to force cuddling.

 

Killian was close to telling David what he really thought of the entire ordeal, ready to storm off and walk home alone through the woods. Mary Margaret beat him to it though.

 

“David!”

 

“What?” David asked. “I was given very specific instructions from our mutual boss to ensure that Killian and Tink here enjoyed their evening away.” David watched his wife stoically like he was attempting to will her into submission or, perhaps, understanding.

 

Clearly the network must have thought that Killian’s drug induced make out sessions with countless women wasn’t enough.

 

“David, now is not the time!” Mary Margaret’s words were stern. Even though they weren’t directed at him, Killian couldn’t help but feel like he was back in school being chastised by one of his primary teachers.

 

Tink, oblivious to the tension around her, suggested that it was getting late and a fire would add some lovely ambiance to their date.

 

Killian agreed and grabbed some logs that had been stacked near the sleeping area. He saw Mary Margaret and David bickering about twenty yards away but couldn’t make out what they were saying.

 

He walked back to the fire pit where Tink was waiting for him, placing the logs in the center. As he moved to grab a small container of lighter fluid from it’s hidden spot nearby, Tink’s hand shot out to his, stopping him with a coy smile.

 

“We’re camping, Killian. You have to get the full experience, which means we’re going to do this the old fashioned way.”

 

He watched as she scavenged for branches, throwing a stout stick on top of the growing pile of smaller twigs that would be used as kindling. Satisfied with her haul, she asked him to help her stuff the kindling underneath the logs and began using one of the knives that had been laid out on the picnic table earlier to carve a groove into the top log. She then whittled the larger stick she had picked up into a dull point.

 

Mary Margaret and David had apparently finished their squabbling and had begun filming again, standing back to watch with curious expressions on their faces. David looked to the lighter fluid and matches that he had strategically placed earlier that day.

 

Killian shrugged and rolled his eyes. “She said I needed the full camping experience.”

 

“That’s a wonderful idea. You two make quite the team.” David smiled.

 

Killian heard Mary Margaret let out a grunting sound in disapproval. She seemed feistier today than before and Killian couldn’t help but find it endearing, like she was somehow on his side.

 

“You know what would make this better?” David continued, “You should start the fire Ghost- style.”

 

“What?” Killian wasn’t sure what that meant but given how adamant David had been about trying to force Killian and Tink together, he assumed it was something sexual.

 

“The famous pottery scene? Here, I’ll show you.” Tink placed her back to his front, wrapping his arms around her as she forced them both into a squatting position.

 

Killian was uncomfortable with her proximity, especially as she tried grinding her lower body into his crotch.

 

“Killian, a moment?” Mary Margaret’s singsong voice called out to him.

 

He stood up quickly, almost letting Tink fall over as he did so. He followed David’s wife into the woods and out of eyesight of David and Tink.

 

“Look,” she started. “I’m really sorry about all of this. I’m not a fan of you being forced to do things you’re uncomfortable with either.”

 

She paused, waiting for a response. He simply nodded for her to continue.

 

“My _husband_ and I have differing viewpoints on where we stand. It’s true; our boss gave us strict instructions to spark something between the two of you. David likes to follow orders but I’m a bit more sentimental.”

 

“I appreciate that.”

 

“I know that you have no interest in Miss Green. Unfortunately there’s nothing I can do about tonight, so my suggestion is to suck it up and pretend to be having fun. It’ll help us get through filming faster, which means you’ll be able to escape her sooner. You can move the cots back after we wrap filming tonight and we’ll move them back in the morning to continue filming.”

 

Killian had to admit that she was right. The more he fought it, the more takes he would have to do.

 

After agreeing, the two of them returned to the campsite and Killian immediately went behind Tink and wrapped his arms around her again.

 

She smiled at him and brought them back into their lowered positions. Grabbing his hands, she showed him how to spin the stick back and forth in the groove she had carved. It didn’t take long to spark up a fire.

 

Keeping Mary Margaret’s words in mind, Killian decided to continue his efforts of platitude.

 

Leaning forward slightly he whispered in her ear. “My apologies, lass. I’ve been less than pleasant this evening, but I’ll attempt to maintain a more positive outlook from this point forward.”

 

She let out a small giggle and leaned back into him. He tried his hardest not to tense at the pressure of her body against his.

 

A few weeks ago he would have relished at her touch. He would have been three sheets to the wind, and she would have already been lying on that damn cot ready for him to take her.

 

The last two weeks had changed him though. Sobriety had certainly curved his libido, but he was fairly certain that a certain blonde had been a major factor in that at well. It was hard for him to admit that he was perhaps coming to develop feelings for her. Part of him felt like it was a huge betrayal to Milah; his heart and brain were waging a war.

 

The night managed to fly by once he stopped fighting David’s directions. He and Tink had laid out on the large pillows, taking in the food supplied by the show. He hadn’t been a fan of being fed chocolate covered fruit, or maybe he just hadn’t been a fan of the girl feeding it to him.

 

They had looked up at the canopy of treetops while Tink pointed out all of the different types of trees around them. As she talked, Killian found his thoughts drifting off to other things, like the view of the night sky from the docks, and that Regina had better come through on the favor she owed him.

 

He hadn’t realized he had closed his eyes until he felt himself being roused awake by David. 

 

“Sorry, _mate_ , but I need to get one final shot for the night.”

 

Killian and Tink stood and followed him over to the sleeping area. It was the part Killian had dreaded most, knowing that David was going to force him into something intimate.

 

David gave his instructions and Tink was all too eager to follow them. She pushed him backwards so that he landed face up on the bed. She quickly jumped up on the cot and straddled him, leaning over to crush her face against his. It was a painfully awkward experience. Her mouth hit his so hard that he was certain she’d given him a busted lip.

 

Tink pulled back from him and started to unbutton her shirt. 

 

“Whoa, whoa,” Killian tried to stop her.

 

“Stop!” cried out Mary Margaret.

 

Tink looked back and forth between them both in confusion.

 

“David, I think you have all of the footage you need for the night. Now help me pull the beds back apart.” Mary Margaret stormed off to grab the other blankets from the van.

 

“Sorry about that,” David mumbled to Killian. “My wife seems to be team Emma for some reason.”

 

Killian raised his eyebrow. “You don’t agree with her?” Given how clinical the production team had been in setting up the events thus far, he was surprised to hear that the crew actually gave a damn about who he ended up with. He couldn’t begin to fathom why, though.

 

David huffed. “Look, it’s not that I’m anti-Emma. I’ve just seen her file, and her interviews. She’s a mess. You have so many better options than her.”

 

Killian was floored. Hearing David criticize Emma made him feel as if the wind had been knocked out of him. What could David have possibly seen in her file to make him dislike her so much?

 

He thought on it as he wrestled with sleep. His final thoughts as he fell into a slumber were that David was wrong. Killian understood that Emma had faced heartache and that that was hard for some people to understand. He would prove David wrong.

 

When the morning came, Killian was up with the first rays of sunlight. He shifted and felt a weight next to him. He looked over to find Tink huddled up on the edge of his cot. She had snuck in during the middle of the night, which Killian found disturbing.

 

Taking leave of his sleeping quarters, he made his way over to the food service that the crew had laid out in hope of finding coffee. Mary Margaret was in the process of brewing a pot, while everyone else seemed to still be asleep.

 

They made idle chitchat about the weather and briefly covered the remaining schedule for the day. When the others finally woke, they filmed one last scene of Killian and Tink waking up together- fully clothed, by Killian’s demands.

 

Everyone loaded up in the van and town car and they drove in near silence back to the mansion. Tink thanked Killian for a wonderful evening before planting a kiss on his cheek and running into the house. David took his leave to help the crew members unload some of the equipment from the van. Not all of it was needed, since they were heading back out later that day.

 

Mary Margaret walked with Killian back to his cottage, giving him more specifics on the evening ahead of them. As she turned to go back to the main house to check on the girls, he stopped her.

 

“Hey,” he stammered as he tugged on his ear. “I just wanted to say thank you for everything.” 

 

She beamed back at him, saying it was nothing.

 

She started walking away and he called out to her one last time.

 

“Oh, and Mary Margaret? I’m team Emma too.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, you can yell at me on tumblr: wellhellotragic


	13. 13

 

The first thing Killian did when he got back to the cottage was take a long shower. While the grime brought back from a night in the woods held its own discomforts, it was the smell that he was most concerned with. The woods had left him with a musty fauna scent, and he still had a hint of Tink’s perfume.

 

Lingering under the spray, he turned up the water as hot as he could stand it, letting the water wash over him until it began to run cold. He wrapped a towel around his waist as he exited the shower and made his way to the bathroom sink and mirror.

 

Wiping the mirror with a spare towel to remove the layer of fog that had built up, he took a moment to examine his reflection. The exhaustion he had felt over the last few weeks was finally starting to show. Dark circles filled in the bags hanging under his eyes, and he felt as though he had lost some of his devilishly handsome glow. He wandered into the bedroom and flopped down on the mattress, in desperate need of a nap.

 

As Killian waited for fatigue to overtake his body, his mind began to race. He forced himself to remember that he was roughly a quarter of the way through filming and that he just needed to hang on for six more weeks. Then he’d be free again, spending his days and nights how he wanted.

 

He was just about to relax into the sheets and let his exhaustion finally overtake him when a new thought entered his mind. How did he want to spend the rest of his life? As much as he disliked the thought of having his day-to-day schedule decided by nameless reality show producers and publicity personnel, he honestly wasn’t looking forward to returning to his empty apartment in Boston either. Drinking and random sexual encounters had lost their appeal.

 

Images of flaxen hair rushed through his mind.

 

He squeezed his eyes shut to dispel the thought. That was crazy. He barely knew her, and although there was a kinship that was undeniable, he couldn’t possibly be falling for her. Could he? 

 

When Killian had first met Milah, he had been drawn to her too. She was beautiful, but it was her confidence that he found most attractive. She knew exactly who she was and what she wanted out of life, and he thanked his lucky stars that he became part of that want.

 

She was slightly older, but Killian knew from the moment they first kissed that he wanted to be with her forever. He was certain at the time that Liam would have loved her. Every idea he had about true love came from his relationship with Milah, the good and the bad. She was the one who proved she would stick with him.

 

_Right up until the moment she didn’t._

 

He absentmindedly began to fiddle with his necklace, letting his fingers wrap around the ring there. It had become a totem of sorts, reminding him that everyone leaves. His mother, the original owner of the ring had passed when he was a child. His father had abandoned him. Liam had been killed. He supposed he shouldn’t have been surprised that Milah was gone now too; the ring that he had bought her now lying at the bottom of the Thames River.

 

And then there was Emma, and truth be told, she terrified him. He wasn’t in love with her, not yet at least, but it was unsettling how often he had begun comparing his feeling for her to what he had had with Milah. He had always believed that what he had had with Milah was unique and irreplaceable, and that he had since been left far too broken to feel that way again. That surely hadn’t changed, had it?

 

He had to admit to himself that Emma had sparked something in him that he couldn’t name. Excitement, maybe? Not the kind of excitement that usually accompanied lust or the thrill of chasing a one-night stand, though. It was the first time since Milah that he found himself looking forward to something more than sex. He enjoyed just sitting on dock or standing out on the balcony talking to her. She was witty and, despite whatever pain she had endured in the past, she still had fire. She challenged him. She made him feel alive again for the first time in years.

 

_She made him want to remember what it felt like to be in love again._

 

The realization would have knocked him off his feet if he hadn’t been lying down already. He may not be in love with her yet, but he was certainly halfway there. When had that happened? There was only one word to describe what came next.

 

Panic.

 

Pure, unadulterated panic.

 

He felt the chill of fear begin to take the place of the warm glow that, only a moment ago, had filled his stomach. Two years ago, while standing on Tower Bridge at nearly three in the morning, he had made a vow to himself to never let someone in again; it would only end in heartache. A vow he was now dangerously close to breaking for a woman who, for all he knew, had no intention of ever returning his feelings.

 

Killian knew that his relationship with Milah had been far from perfect; Milah had left him drowning alone at sea more than once, trying to stay afloat in her wake. He had always forgiven her though, because that’s what you do when you love someone. You fight tooth and nail for it.

 

Déjà vu struck him. He had said something similar to Emma that first night, and the irony of what she had told him wasn’t lost on him.

 

_A man unwilling to fight for what he wants deserves what he gets._

 

_…Sometimes, despite all of the choices we could make in life, we find every version of ourselves in the same place at the same time, and for just a split second you can feel it through time and space. It’s like for just a brief moment, you’re exactly where you’re meant to be._

 

Would Emma break his heart too if he gave her a chance? Would she even be willing to give him a chance?

 

Killian needed to see her; he needed to talk to her. He wasn’t sure if her could survive another bout of soul devouring anguish if she left him too, but he was willing to fight for her anyways.

 

* * *

 

Emma Swan didn’t do feelings, especially feelings that left her wanting to ball up in a dark corner for the rest of her days. Emma did however know how to avoid her issues by building her walls even higher.

 

Seeing Killian in bed with Tink had brought back feelings of betrayal and humiliation. Killian wasn’t hers, she knew that, but it still hurt seeing him with her in a completely sober state. No, she wouldn’t dwell on that anymore.

 

She spent the afternoon barricaded in her room, avoiding the world while she fortified the cracks Killian had made in her armor. By the time she and Ruby had dressed for the group date, she was ready to be the emotionless robot her job required her to be.

 

She would fake pleasantries and she would keep a weather eye for any harm that might bestow him, but first and foremost she would do her job. Nothing more, nothing less. _God, now her inner monologues even sounded like him._ That thought was quickly quashed.

 

The ride to the distillery wasn’t as bad as she had expected it to be. Aside from James, Ava, and Killian, there were nine other girls in the stretch limo. Emma had snuck in quickly as the other girls had flocked to greet Killian, guaranteeing herself a seat furthest from him.

 

She spent most of the ride looking out the window at the sight of the Boston skyline coming into view, but she could feel Killian’s gaze boring into the side of her head. She managed to only glance back at him once or twice, but each time his eyes were focused on her.

 

When they all exited the car, Emma hung back with Agent White, hoping that everyone would just think she was getting instructions on how to play the bad girl for the evening.

 

Ava wasn’t fooled though. She gave Emma a knowing look and a small sad smile.

 

“What?” Emma grumbled out.

 

“I didn’t say anything.”

 

“You may not have said anything with your mouth, but that look you just shot me implied something that you obviously want to say.”

 

Ava held her hands up in defeat. “Emma, is there a reason you’re avoiding Killian?”

 

“I’m not avoiding him. We’re just in a very public place and I’m trying to do my job and keep him safe. I need to make sure I’m not distracted.”

 

“Emma,” Ava sighed. “I know we don’t know each other that well, but I’ve seen the way you guys look at each other. I said as much to him. I won’t push, but if there’s something wrong, you should talk to him about it.”

 

Emma felt her jaw drop but couldn’t think of anything to say. Instead she sped up to join the group.

 

* * *

 

The distillery was one of the newer ones that Boston had to offer. It was set in a civil war era warehouse, but all of the equipment was still shiny and new. A section of the building had been walled off to form what he assumed was the dining area that Mary Margaret had told him about.

 

The group was greeted by staff members, including the brewmaster, who was personally giving them the tour. A few of the female employees blushed as they came around asking for Killian’s autograph. He was quite used to the attention he still got when he was in public places, even now, but tonight he wished that no one had recognized him. It was going to be hard enough to convince Emma to give him a real chance, but that task might become impossible if she saw the attention he garnered from women.

 

He looked back to Emma in time to see David whisper something in her ear that made her face flash with anger. She said something back to him, but Killian couldn’t hear their conversation. As much as he hoped she would confide in him, he knew that was a lost cause; he hadn’t missed her closed-off behavior on the ride over. She was avoiding him again, and he was pretty sure David had something to do with it.

 

Less than twenty four hours ago, David had stood in front of him saying that Emma was damaged goods, and that he should cut his losses. Had David just implied the same to Emma? Did she believe that she wasn’t good enough?

 

He needed this night to be over, just as much as he needed to be sober by the end of it. That last part was going to be very difficult considering that he was going to have rum shoved in his face all night and would be expected to drink all of it. His stomach lurched thinking about it.

 

The tour moved pretty quickly. Starting from the beginning, the brewmaster, a man named Leroy, showed them the process of rum making. They began by each tasting a small stock of the cane sugar that had been imported from one of the southern states. Next they saw a batch that was currently in its fermentation cycle followed by a batch that was being boiled. It had a pungent smell, even by Killian’s standards.

 

Leroy explained to everyone why they used copper pots, and why the shape was important. Killian was surprised to find himself genuinely interested in the process. Science had never really peaked his interest in school.The last stop on the tour was the basement. The group weaved through rows and rows of shelves stacked tall with rum barrels, where all of the newly-made rum was being aged. The room itself was cold and drafty as the walls were made of the original concrete foundation.

 

Eventually the group made it’s way to a special tasting room, which opened up to the dining area where they would be eating soon. When they arrived, Killian was surprised to noticed other members of the public milling around. This tour clearly hadn’t been a closed event as he assumed.

 

The distillery staff seated the group around a large oak table, placing a very small tumbler in front of each guest. Killian made note of the fact that Emma was once again sitting as far away from him as possible, not making eye contact.

 

Leroy came around filling each of their glasses with five-year aged rum. He told them to smell it first, and then to hold it up to the light and take stock of the color. Next, he told them to take a sip and to hold it in their mouths so they could savor the flavor. After receiving what Killian assumed to be a sufficient amount of half-hearted hums and head nods, the brewmaster moved on to repeat the process with a ten-year and fifteen-year old rum.

 

Filming for this day had been pretty relaxed. As long as Killian made conversation with Leroy and some of the girls, David and Mary Margaret didn’t prod him into anything more. The only reshoots came after each of the tasting samples.

 

It seemed that, with the exception of Emma, none of the girls seemed too fond of the rum. Mary Margaret had told him earlier that they were originally going to a brewery, but that Regina had insisted on them coming here instead for Killian. It wasn’t the favor he had asked for, but it still appreciated the gesture.

 

Leroy took his leave after the tasting, mumbling something about having wasted the good rum under his breath on the way out. Mary Margaret and David shuffled the girls into the dinning area where tables were being set up.

 

Killian decided to take that moment to speak to Emma, who was having a conversation with Ruby. He wanted to know why Emma was avoiding him so he could fix it. Before he could reached her though, he heard her name called out.

 

“Emma! As I live and breathe.”

 

The voice came from a tall man with brown hair and blue eyes. Killian looked back to Emma. The confusion written on her face was quickly replaced by something close to glee.

 

“Fancy seeing you here,” he continued. “Ruby.”

 

Ruby made a disgruntled noise but said nothing else. It took less than a fraction of a second before Emma was moving towards the man. Emma let him take her arm and they walked to the other side of the dining room.

 

He heard her laugh. It was free and unconstrained, something he had never heard from her before. She was obviously comfortable with the man, and it irked Killian. He watched as the man made a nodding motion in his direction. Emma looked at him briefly before returning her gaze to the man in front of her and shrugging.

 

Killian was so engrossed in watching them that he hadn’t heard Ruby walk up to him. It was only after she shoved a full tumbler of rum in his face that he acknowledged her presence.

 

“Who is that man with Emma?” he asked. 

 

“That would be August Booth,”Ruby spat out.

 

The name was familiar. He thought for a moment, before remembering that Regina had told him that he was the network’s back-up choice.

 

“The writer guy?”

 

“One in the same.”

 

Trying to get answers from Ruby was like pulling teeth. He needed her to explain.

 

“Are she and he…” he drifted off not even finishing the questions like he was too afraid of the answer.

 

“Currently, I don’t think so. I’m not even sure how they know each other. There are two things that are off limits when it comes to Emma’s personal life, and he’s one of them.”

 

He felt his gut twisting. “You said currently. Does that mean they used to be an item?”

 

“Honestly, I don’t know. She’s known him longer than she’s known me. There was a time when I thought there might be something going on, you know, late night secret phone calls, but she denied it. The only thing I know for sure is that he’s bad news.”

 

Their conversation was interrupted by August’s laughter as Emma tried to hold her hand over his mouth. Killian could feel his jaw clenching, but was unable to control the response. He watched helplessly as they whispered things in each other’s ears, smiling as they did so. He needed a drink. Hell, he needed an entire rum barrel.

 

Killian kicked back the rum that Ruby had brought him in one gulp. Just as he was about to head to the bar, another glass magically appeared in front of him, help up by a familiar woman.

 

“You looked like you might need this more than me.” 

 

“Thanks, lass.” Killian nodded towards the woman.

 

He was almost certain her name Tamara, but went with the nickname just in case. He threw his second glass back as easily as the first. The calming sensation was running through his blood and everything was starting to seem more distant. His anger at August was dulled, but still just below the surface.

 

Tamara lifted herself up on her tiptoes and planted a kiss on Killian. 

 

“Want to take this somewhere more private?” she asked.

 

He simply nodded and both of them walked back to the basement stairs leading to the rum storage room. If the show needed him to be Killian Jones, lothario, then who was he to argue? He let himself fall back into the darkness that had been his life since coming to the states. It was easy to let the rum and a woman distract him from whatever was bothering him. Somewhere deep down he knew that he shouldn’t be doing this, but if Emma Fowler could enjoy herself, then so could he.

 

* * *

 

The commentary coming through Emma’s earpiece had threatened to blow her cover more than once along the tour as she held back muffled chuckles and tried to keep her scowl in place. It wouldn’t do to have the show’s “bad girl” be seen walking around while randomly laughing to herself after all.

 

“You girls get all the luck ‘eh. You’re in there with your fine-aged libations, and I’m stuck here in the van smelling the bodily remnants of Robin’s scotch egg.”

 

She heard him yelp and knew that Robin hadn’t enjoyed Will’s on air banter.

 

Emma kept an eye out for all of the drinks Killian was ingesting, making sure that they came from the same source that Tamara was drinking from. She had been watching Tamara all evening but was proud of how subtle she had been about it, using the reflection off of framed pictures or the equipment so that she didn’t have to look directly at Tamara. Admittedly she may have snuck a glance at Killian once or twice as well, but only for his own safety.

 

“Hey Emma, you should sneak some of that rum into your flask for your old buddies,” Will called out.

 

“Sorry, Emma. Please pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.” Robin sounded aggravated. 

 

She turned to Ruby. “Idiots.”

 

“Emma! As I live and breathe.”

 

August Booth was one of the last people she expected to see at the distillery that night. She hadn’t even known he was in the city. When they had last spoken almost seven months prior, he had been somewhere in Thailand ‘chasing down his newest muse’, as he had put it.

 

“Fancy seeing you here.”

 

She couldn’t have been more grateful that he chose not to use her last name. She heard Ruby voice her disapproval of August’s presence, but Emma chose to ignore it in favor of joining August.

 

Emma was wildly protective of her past, and hadn’t ever told anyone how it came to be that she was a close friend with a globally recognized writer. Ruby had once asked her if they were ‘knocking boots.’ Instead of explaining that Emma and August had once shared a group home before the Swan’s adopted her, she simply denied it and then changed the subject. No one needed to know her sob story, and August had never given up that piece of himself to any of his readers either. The thought of anything sexual between them had never even crossed her mind before Ruby had mentioned it. August was practically her brother, and Emma Swan didn’t do incest.

 

“Before I forget, I brought you back something from Phuket.”

 

“Do I even want to know? I still remember what you brought me after your adventure to Amsterdam.”

 

With that, Emma laughed at the memory of digging into the box August had meticulously wrapped for her, only to be gob-smacked when she saw the contents. August had purchased her many gifts over the years, some of which bordered on salacious, but nothing nearly that scandalous.

 

“Wait, what was it?” Will voice called out to her.

 

She ignored it and was happy that Ruby did the same. The last thing she needed was her coworkers discovering she had a pink penis-shaped bong in the back of her closet.

 

“Well, one day when you retire you may finally get some use out of it. And I promise you’ll like this next gift, but I won’t spoil the surprise.”

 

There was a small pause in the conversation. It was just long enough for them to regain their breath and for Emma to wipe the tears of laughter that were pulling in the corners of her eyes, before she remembered why she was there.

 

“What are you doing here, August? I didn’t know you were in Boston.”

 

“I actually just got back a few weeks ago. I finished the story I was working on and jumped straight into a new one. That’s actually why I’m here tonight.”

 

Emma eyed him wearily, trying to decipher what was going through his head.

 

“So you and Killian Jones, huh?” he prodded. “You know, the producer approached me about this show as well.”

 

Emma rolled her eyes. “It’s not like that. It’s a work thing.”

 

The cacophony of screaming and yelling coming through her earpiece made her wince. August cocked his head to the side

 

“You okay there, Emma?” August’s usually cavalier attitude became slightly more serious.

 

“Ya, sorry. The voices inside my head say you can’t be trusted.” Her words were dripping with sarcasm as she reached into her ear to pull the microscopic bud out.

 

August nearly hooted in amusement. Emma reached out to cover his mouth with her hand trying not to call any extra attention to the two of them. She had been aware of Killian’s eye trained on her the entire evening.

 

Emma quickly scanned the room to see if anyone was watching them. The only people she noticed looking their way were Killian and Ruby. Ruby looked on disapprovingly, but Killian, on the other hand, stood rigid as he eyed the two of them. There was a small part of her that reveled in the idea of Killian Jones being jealous.

 

“So this story?” Emma asked, turning her attention back to August.

 

“Emma,” he said warningly. “You know as well as I do that the walls have ears.”

 

He leaned in further to whisper into her ear.

 

“But I can say that your boyfriend over there pissed off someone very powerful and very well-funded. Be careful with this one, Em.”

 

Emma wanted to push him for more; he clearly knew something and was holding back. Before she could ask him anything though, he continued.

 

“I have to go, and so do you.” He motioned back to the area where Killian had been standing only moments ago to find he was missing. She looked around the room but couldn’t find him. When she turned back to August, he was gone as well.

 

Emma thrusted the ear-bud back into place seeing if anyone had noticed Killian’s absence. Nothing seemed wrong, but Killian was still missing.

 

“Hey guys, does anyone have a twenty on Killian or Tamara?”

 

Emma watched as all three of the other agents started to look around simultaneously. Damn. They really needed to have a conversation about keeping their focus on Killian and Tamara.

 

Emma covered her face with her hand and took a moment to regroup her thoughts. _  
_

 

_How were they going through this again?_

 

* * *

 

Killian felt the cool metal hitting his back as Tamara pushed him back into a shelving unit. The buzz floating around his head was helping to drown out how wrong this was. It wasn’t Tamara who was meant to be assaulting his lips.

 

The night had taken quite a turn. What had started out as Killian determined to tell Emma that he wanted her, had distorted into another woman mauling him in a distillery basement.

 

He tried not to think about that though. Instead his drunken mind focused on his anger. If Emma was going to cohort with someone else then so would he. He pulled Tamara into him, closing the remaining gap between their bodies.

 

She rocked her hips against him. He was too distracted to notice the way the shelf behind him shifted, or to hear the creaking noise it made as she continued to push into him.

 

He let himself melt into her, attempting to purge the image of Emma’s emerald eyes gazing into August’s lovingly. He pushed back the sound of her laughter as she spoke to August. He pushed back the thought of how easily Emma allowed herself to touch August.

 

As Tamara’s tongue swiped over his lips he chastised himself. His mind warred with itself. He was hurt and lashing out, something he had years of practice at. This was exactly why he had promised himself never to let anyone in again. Everyone important left him, and he couldn’t go through that again.

 

 _‘But this?’_ he thought to himself, _‘this might be worse.’_

 

Coming to his senses, he tried to push Tamara back, ready to apologize for his behavior. Liam had raised him better than that. He was meant to behave as a gentleman, to treat women with respect. Over the past two years he had let his manners fall to the wayside, but no more. Angry or not, the woman in front of him didn’t deserve to be used as a distraction.

 

He was ready to stop acting as a child; he was ready to be the man he wanted to be.

 

He pushed against her shoulders but she held on tightly, thrusting him back into the shelf again. 

 

“Killian!” Emma’s voice sounded wrecked.

 

He looked over to her to see an expression of terror in her eyes.

 

He didn’t have long to register what was going on before he heard the creaking noise above him. He looked up to see a few barrels of rum shift just as one of the metal shelves collapsed. Three large oak barrels began to roll down towards him and he froze, unable to move, paralyzed by fear.

 

At all happened so fast. One second, the barrels were about to crush him, and then the next he felt a weight pressing down on his chest. He heard the splitting and cracking of wood, the clanging of metal, and the splash of rum hitting the floor.

 

His eyes were closed and he was too terrified to open them, sure that the weight above him was signifying his impending doom. He took in a deep breath trying to prolong his last moments on earth.

 

His life had been filled with pain, and so many regrets. He had always been haunted by the _‘what ifs’_ in his life. He should have searched for his father, for answers to why he abandoned him and Liam. If he had, perhaps his father would have returned and Liam wouldn’t have left so early. He should have finished university and joined the navy as he and Liam had always planned. If he had been there, would he have been able to save Liam. Would his life have been better or worse for never having met Milah? And Emma.

 

Emma.

 

His final regret would be this night. He should have pulled her aside from the very beginning to see what had her so vexed. He should have taken her hand, not caring who was around, and told her that he was serious about her. He should have asked her out on a real date, telling her that when the show was over he wanted her and only her.

 

The weight above him was warm, wrapping him in a cocoon of peace. Then it began to shift, and he realized how light the weight was. It wasn’t nearly heavy enough to be a full oak casket. He opened his eyes to find emerald green staring back at him.

 

There were no words spoken, just a lingering silent gaze shared by both of them. He brushed his knuckles on the underside of her jaw before reaching up to cup her cheek in his right hand. She leaned into it slightly. It seemed almost on instinct that her head dropped a few inches and he leaned forward to fit his mouth to hers.

 

“What the hell happened in here?” Leroy’s question was like a feral growl, and whatever moment Killian and Emma had shared was over before his lips could come in contact with hers.

 

He heard the scurry of feet as Mary Margaret, David, and a few other staff members suddenly descended the steps and emerged into the half-destroyed basement.

 

Emma pushed off of him and held out a hand to help him up. A thin layer of rum had spread over the floor and he realized his jacket and pants had become soaked in it. He reeked of booze.

 

“I’ll tell you what happened!” In all of the commotion, Killian had completely forgotten about Tamara, who seemed to have escaped the incident without harm. “Your equipment failed and we were nearly killed.”

 

“You never should have been down here unattended. Just look at this mess! What were you even _doing_ down here?”

 

Killian felt his face warming with embarrassment. Luckily, Emma seemed too distracted to notice as she walked around looking at the floor while Leroy and Tamara continued to argue. Killian watched as she bent down to grab something off the ground. Before he could see what it was, she had placed it in her pocket.

 

Mary Margaret ushered them all out of the basement back into the main dining hall. Leroy had wanted to kick the entire group out of his distillery, but luckily he was easily swayed by Mary Margaret’s corporate credit card.

 

He had hoped to change clothes before sitting down to eat, but they didn’t have a spare suit that was similar enough to his current one that it wouldn’t affect the continuity of filming. Instead, he could feel the stickiness against his skin as the rum further saturated his boxers.

 

Everyone was already sat around a table, leaving two empty chairs at one end, and one empty chair clear on the other side of the table. Emma had immediately gone to the bar and said something to the bartender. Killian hung back, waiting to see which chair Emma would choose. Despite his brush with death and the adrenaline still rushing through his veins, a calmed washed over him as Emma chose one of the two chairs.

 

He joined her in the next seat over and gave her a sheepish grin. She didn’t reciprocate, but he saw something stormy behind her eyes and remembered the look she gave him just before all hell broke loose. Horror.

 

She had sought him out after avoiding him all night. It was his name she called out when she noticed the shelf failing. She was worried about him. Despite her best efforts, she cared for him.

 

They had barely sat down when waiters started bringing over trays of colorful cocktails. Apparently the bartender had enough sense to realize that the straight taste of rum had put off most of the girls at the table during the tasting. Instead, strawberry daiquiris, mojitos, and mai tais were crowding the table.

 

When the waiter got to him, he set down two tumblers of golden liquid in front of Killian and Emma. He restrained himself from scrunching up his nose at the offending liquor. Already having been coated in the stuff, the last thing he wanted was to drink more of it.

 

Emma lifted her glass, taking a sip, and smiling. She nudged him with her elbow and pointed to his own glass.

 

“Just try it.”

 

He sucked in his breath to steady himself against the gag reflex he was about to activate. As the glass tilted against his mouth and the drink spilled into his mouth, he was surprised at the sweetness of it. This wasn’t rum. He pulled the glass back to inspect it, noticing that it was slightly lighter than the samples from early, but only by a fraction.

 

Emma shrugged. “I just thought that after what happened last week, and all of the rum from the tour today that maybe you’d want something a little less offending.”

 

He smiled at her, realizing that she must have told the bartender to serve them both black tea instead of rum. He tilted his glass towards hers and they clanked together in a sober toast.

 

He wouldn’t tell her just yet how he felt. He knew that she was fighting her own feelings and he didn’t want to scare her into fleeing from him. He could wait. He had all the time in the world, as long as he didn’t die first.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always feel free to come yell at me on tumblr: wellhellotragic


	14. 14

 

The night felt like it was dragging on forever.

 

When Emma and Killian had first sat down to eat, she was simply grateful that she had found him before Tamara could do anything. She had gotten to him just in time. Now though, as she felt the adrenaline beginning to wear off, her mood was starting to sour. She watched as the other girls continued to down the rum infused drinks, which lead to them becoming more flirtatious towards Killian. Agent Charming had come over at one point and said something to Killian over his shoulder, but Emma hadn’t heard what he said. After that, Killian seemed to change, and he too become more flirtatious. Part of her wondered if one of the drinks the waiter brought over hadn’t been just tea.

 

As she watched him talking to the other girls in his sultry accent, Emma tried to push all of her emotions to the side, but every time she looked at Killian, all she could see was Tina Greene grinding down on Killian. She knew she had no claim to Killian, and that he was technically free to do whatever he wanted, but she had been sure that he didn’t want any of the other girls there. A big part of her job was reading people and being able to sort the truth from lies, so how could she have read him so wrong?

 

She tried to focus on other things throughout the evening. There was idle chatter going on all around the table; Killian even tried to joke around with her. She plastered a smile on her face, the kind she used for her undercover marks, but she knew Killian could see right through it.

 

Halfway through the meal, August had reappeared long enough to wave Emma over to him. He quickly reminded Emma about the gift he had for her once she was done with the case and bid her farewell. Just before he left, August asked Emma to be careful one more time with a pleading look in his eyes. Killian had seemed to tense the moment Emma returned to the table, and he stayed that way for the rest of the evening. 

 

Emma asked Killian if anything was wrong, but he waved her off stating that he was fine, just still a bit tired. She immediately knew it was a lie, but there was something in his sad smile that kept her defenses down. As the dinner progressed, both of their emotions seemed to run the gambit. She was still irrationally angry and hurt, but kept reminding herself that he wasn’t hers. Then there was the fact that Tamara had once again made an attempt on his life right under their noses, and both times Killian had come far too close to death.

 

Killian seemed to be battling with himself internally as well. Sometimes when she looked over towards him, she saw this glimmer in his eye that appeared to be reserved for only her, but other times, when he wasn’t aware she was watching him, there was sorrow. The shade of blue seemed darker, like an endless sea of stormy waters, a sea where she could become lost for days.

 

It wasn’t a thought she should be having. She was there on official business only, and even then, he wasn’t interested in her. That was perfectly apparent from the evening before. She had left before it had gone any further, but her parting image was of Tink unbuttoning her shirt, and Emma’s traitorous mind had been more than willing to fill in the rest of that scene in the form of dreams. Nightmares really. It was just as when she had walked in on Zelena and Walsh in their bed, only this time it was Killian, and he showed no remorse. She had woken with a knot in her stomach that hadn’t relented all day.

 

When dinner was over, the group made their way back to the limo. Killian stopped to help some of the more inebriated girls before stepping inside himself. Emma had managed to find two empty seats, and made sure that he sat next to her, but they rode back to the mansion in silence. They shared a few pitiful smiles, but no words, even when Killian parted to return to his guesthouse. Emma went to bed frustrated.

 

Emma woke the next morning feeling exhausted and slightly sick to her stomach. Ruby telling her that Graham was waiting for this in the RV only made things worse. She knew they were going to get yelled at for the lapse in security. Emma had already chastised herself for talking to August in front of everyone while she was supposed to be looking after Killian, but she knew that no matter how upset she was with herself, it would be nothing compared to what Graham would say.

 

Both Emma and Ruby were dressed and headed down to the RV at first light. She let her mind drift off, remembering how she had jogged with Killian to the docks. They had decided it would be their thing, but then Tamara tried to poison him, and he was too weak to go, then there was his date with Tink, and now she was too upset the night before to make plans. She missed it, she missed him, and that realization only made her feel even more ill.

 

She and Ruby could hear yelling before they even entered the RV. Ruby gave her a look, one that Emma had come to know over the years. It meant that no matter what, they stayed united. They had discussed it before they went to bed, getting their ducks in a row. Emma nodded in understanding and Ruby pulled back the door just enough for them to squeeze in.

 

Even with the size upgrade from the van to the RV, things were still packed. It clearly hadn’t been chosen with the intention of having eight people crammed inside. Will, Robin, Ava, and James were all sitting in a row and what appeared to be a makeshift couch. Regina and Graham stood near the front of the RV. Emma immediately noticed how red Graham’s face was, and that he was clearly not in a mood to be trifled with.

 

“Nice of you two to finally join us,” Graham snarled out. “Sit.”

 

Emma hadn’t known Graham for all that long, but she had always assumed him to the quiet contemplative type. This angry version of him took her off guard. Emma looked to Regina to see if she were going to add anything, but instead she gave Emma a small smile before returning her gaze to her feet. Ruby and Emma took the two remaining seats in front of the monitors where Will and Robin usually sat.

 

“So, would either of you like to give me your versions of what happened last night?”

 

Ruby tried to say something but Graham cut her off again. “Because from where I’m standing it looks like we’re running a two bit operation here, where everyone seems to think that they’re playing a game of hide and seek with Mr. Jones. Is this too hard for you all? Should I get some new agents on this?”

 

“It’s not their fault,” Emma interjected. She knew it was a bold faced lie. Everyone was equally to blame, but she couldn’t sit back and watch them get yelled at. Ruby shot her a murderous look, but Emma ignored it. “I was supposed to be watching him, but then someone that knew me showed up and I had to distract him so we didn’t blow our covers. I lost sight of him for one minute and that’s all it took. I’m sorry. ”

 

“Who?” asked Regina, looking slightly nervous. 

 

“Just an old friend. It doesn’t matter.”

 

“And you didn’t think to tell me?” Graham sounded furious. “And does this friend know why you were there?”

 

“Do you mean does he know that I work for the FBI?” Emma’s words came off harsher than they should have considering that she was speaking to her boss, but it really wasn’t his concern. She had handled the situation already.

 

“I’m sorry, I fail to see the difference. So who is _he_?” Graham made sure to emphasize the last word.

 

“Seriously, he’s just an old friend and it’s been dealt with.”

 

Emma could see all of the cautious glances the other agents were exchanging. 

 

“And if you’re so sure, why can’t you just give me his name?”

 

Emma felt her pulse quickening under Graham interrogation.

 

“His name is August Booth. I’ve-”

 

She was interrupted. “The writer? Are you _kidding_ me Emma? How is that not a problem? You really think he’s going to give a crap about his allegiance to your friendship when there’s a story involved, especially one with a tabloid magnet like Killian Jones at the center of it?”

 

Graham didn’t even wait for Emma to respond. Instead her grabbed her arm and pulled her out of the RV, away from the other agents and Regina.

 

“Emma, do you honestly trust him? Because if he says anything, writes one word about this, all of us are screwed. You get that right?” Graham demeanor changed immediately, and he seemed concerned now.

 

“I trust him.”

 

Graham nodded at her before taking a step back. He turned and ran his hands through his hair in what appeared to be a genuine effort to calm himself. When he turned back to Emma, he almost invaded her space. His knuckles grazed her cheek and Emma froze, completely shocked by the gesture.

 

“Emma, I’m sorry I yelled at you. I have a lot of people putting pressure on me to get this case solved, and if anything goes wrong…” he paused. “Look, that doesn’t matter, and it’s no excuse for my behavior. I know this can’t be easy for you, pretending to be interested in someone like him. If you need anything I’m here, okay?”

 

“Okay,” Emma managed to choke out, still completely unsure of what to do or say.

 

With that, Graham leaned in closer. Emma didn’t move, unsure of what exactly was happening, until she felt Graham’s lips on hers. The kiss was chaste, and completely unexpected. It was also completely unwanted. If it had been any other man, she would have kneed him in the balls, and then kicked him again for good measure, but this was her boss. The same boss that she had regrettable flirted with, and apparent lead on.

 

_Crap._

 

“Come on, we should get back in there.” He sounded breathless.

 

Emma nodded and silently followed him back, careful to avoid eye contact with him.

 

* * *

 

The evening with Emma had been awkward at best. After nearly dying under the weight of faulty equipment and a full barrel of rum, Emma had seemed concerned for him, and he took that as a good sign. After she had sat next to him for dinner and gone out of her way to help him avoid consuming more alcohol, he was even more sure that she returned his affections. Then August had reappeared, and everything changed. Every interaction seemed like it required more effort, and she seemed to distance herself from him.

 

He was exhausted physically and emotionally and ready to just call it a night. The past few weeks had taught him to appreciate crawling into an empty bed. Before the show, he had needed a woman to distract him until he was too tired to think about anything real, but now he relished the alone time. Granted, there was a particular blonde that he still wouldn’t mind curling up next to, but that wasn’t a possibility right now.

 

The limo dropped everyone off at the mansion and the girls filed out one by one. The small graveled road that lead to his guest house was too narrow for the limo to turn around in, so Mary Margaret volunteered to give him a ride on the golf cart she used to travel around the estate. Emma had walked back into the mansion before he could say anything, so he jumped onto the cart before any of the other woman could attempt to maul him.

 

When he made it back to the cottage, he showered for the second time that day and brushed his teeth. The clothes he had worn to dinner reeked of alcohol and he momentarily considered throwing them out entirely before opting simply to throw the bundle in a corner and trudged back to his bed. Just as he was about to flop down and call it a night, he noticed a small yellow piece of paper on his pillow.

 

> _Jones,_
> 
>  
> 
> _I can’t begin to express how sorry I am for what I’ve done to you. I know you think that I did it for myself, but the truth is that I did it for you too. I thought I was helping you, and now I realize that regardless of my intentions, I should have given you the option. I promise you, it’s not a mistake I plan on repeating._
> 
> _I don’t expect for you to forgive me anytime soon, but perhaps this will help. She’ll be there by the time you wake in the morning._
> 
>  
> 
> _-Regina_

 

Killian smiled at that, feeling like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. She was on her way, and he couldn’t be more thrilled. That evening was the best sleep he’d had since this all began.

 

* * *

 

Back in the RV, the agents were trying to regroup. Everyone had calmed down after Graham had tempered himself. Emma showed them the faulty screw that she had picked up. She had been careful to pick it up with a tissue so as not to get her prints on it and put it straight into an evidence bag when she got back to her room.

 

Emma told them that as soon as she stepped into the basement, she saw the top shelf wobbling as if it was loose. Tamara had used Killian’s body weight to give it the finish push needed to dislodge the rack of rum barrels and make it look like an accident. The problem, however, was that Tamara had been with them the entire time, and wouldn’t have had enough time to mess with the equipment. Everyone came to the same conclusion;

 

Tamara had a partner.

 

“Emma, I know you said you trusted him, but are you sure that August didn’t have anything to do with this?” Robin asked.

 

“ _What?_ ” For the third time in less than an hour she was completely blindsided.

 

“It’s just a little coincidental,” Charming supplied. “He’s a writer, maybe he’s trying to create the perfect story.”

 

“ _Seriously?_ I get that you guys don’t trust him, but can you trust me. He has nothing to do with this.”

 

“Emma,” Ruby started. “We’re just trying to cover all of our bases. You have to admit that August is a little shady.”

 

Emma was furious. Not only was everyone thinking the worst of someone she cared for, but they were insulting her ability to make rational choices. She was about to storm out of the RV when Ava came to her defense.

 

“If Emma says it wasn’t him, then I believe her. I know we haven’t worked together for very long, but I’ve come to trust her instincts.”

 

Emma was grateful for this woman. She mouthed the words thank you.

 

“So perhaps we should go through the distillery’s security footage to see who else was down there.”

 

“Sorry, but we already tried that and no luck.” Will said. “They don’t have camera’s in the basement, or in the stairwell leading to it.”

 

“What I don’t understand is why Jones keeps running off with the woman. I’ve seen the footage; he has no interest in her.” Regina had made the first solid observation that morning.

 

“Sorry Regina, but I’ve found that when a pretty woman is in the room our boy seems to start working with his other, much smaller brain.” Will seemed quite pleased with himself.

 

Regina was less than impressed, rolling her eyes at him. “Miss Lucas, you were the last one seen talking to him before he disappeared. What were you talking about?”

 

“Oh, oh, oh.” Will started cheekily. “Let me guess. They were talking about to spring lingerie line.”

 

This time it was Ruby’s turn to smack Will on the head.

 

“Oi, I’m only kidding, sort of. Come on, I know me mate and he’s not a conversationalist when it comes to the lasses. It doesn’t matter what they talked about, because all he heard was ‘take me to bed.’ That’s just the way he works.”

 

Ava took that as her cue to jam her elbow into Will’s side with as much force as she could muster.

 

“Miss Lucas? If you please.” Regina was tapping her foot in the floor of the RV causing it to shake a little.

 

“If you must know,” she said as she scowled at Will, “we were talking about Emma. He saw her with August and asked if they were involved.”

 

“And what did you say?” Emma blurted out.

 

“I told him that I didn’t know. You’ve always been very protective of August, Emma. I don’t know what you guys are to each other, and I told him honestly that I didn’t know. The two of you looked pretty comfortable with each other so you really can’t blame him.”

 

If Emma thought she was furious before, she was irate now. Ruby had no right to tell Killian anything about August, and she was fairly certain that Ruby had said more than she had admitted to. This wasn’t the first time Ruby had stuck her nose where it didn’t belong, but this was over the line.

 

“Typical.”

 

Robin looked towards his girlfriend in question.

 

“Isn’t it obvious? When Jones is upset, he acts out. He thought Miss Swan was flirting with August, and lashed out by playing seven minutes in heaven with the woman that’s trying to kill him.”

 

The remainder of the meeting was a blur to Emma. She managed to pay attention just long enough to discuss a new check in system to ensure that someone constantly had eyes on Killian. Her thoughts kept drifting back to what Regina had said, though. _Killian had been jealous._ But if he cared about her the way Regina had implied, why had he been so eager to sleep with Tink?

 

The meeting ended soon after, as the girls needed to return to the mansion to avoid suspicion. Regina left first, followed immediately by Graham, as they had driven in together. Graham had grabbed Emma’s hand on the way out and given it a light squeeze before walking out. Charming found his way out next and Ruby followed shortly after him, having realized that Emma wasn’t speaking to her. Robin apologized for Will’s behavior, and gave him one more smack on the back of the head for good measure.

 

When it came time for Emma to head back, Ava stayed close and called after her just before she snuck back into the house.

 

“Emma!”

 

Emma turned hoping that whatever Ava had to say would be quick. She wasn’t looking forward to being in a confined space with Ruby, but she just wanted to get away and crawl back under her covers.

 

“Sorry, I know you’re in a hurry. I just wanted to make sure you were okay.”

 

“I’m fine, really.”

 

“No you’re not. The way everyone ganged up on you back there was uncalled for, but you’ve been in a funk since yesterday. You can talk to me if you want. I promise it won’t go past us.”

 

“I promise, I’m just peachy.” 

 

“Emma, please.”

 

“What is everyone’s problem? I’m fine. Killian’s fine. All of the girls he makes out with are fine. Graham’s, just- just let it go already.” Emma felt the tears welling up in her eyes.

 

“Is that was this is about? You’re upset because Killian made out with Tamara? I’m not excusing him, but he was hurt and did something stupid.”

 

Emma interrupted her. “It’s not about him making out with Tamara. He slept with Tink!”

 

“What? When?”

 

“Don’t play stupid with me Ava. I saw them on their date.”

 

Ava tilted her head and looked to the side as if she was trying to replay the night in her head. Her lips began to curl in the corners.

 

“Emma, they never slept together. In fact, we had to force him to even talk to her, much less touch her. I tried to keep it as G rated as possible, but Agent Charming kept pushing Killian for more and more until Killian nearly broke.”

 

“What?” Emma couldn’t quite grasp what Agent White was telling her.

 

“She tried, she really did try to seduce him but he was having none of it. The only reason they even kissed was because Graham ordered James to try to make Killian feel something for Miss Greene.” She paused waiting to see if Emma was going to say anything. “He asked for you, you know. He wanted you on that date, but the network had already planned on Tink going in, so my hands were tied. Emma, I see the way he looks at you. He’s crazy about you.”

 

Emma kept watching the ground, trying to process everything Ava had told her. “So they didn’t sleep together?”

 

“No, Emma. He only wants you.” With that, Ava walked past Emma into the secret door, leaving Emma to her thoughts.

 

* * *

 

Killian woke with excitement. He felt like everything he had gone through in the past few weeks had just been a nightmare and now things were settling back to reality. He wasn’t worried about his confusing relationship with Emma, or the pressures of the show, or even the fact that he had almost died twice in as many weeks. He got dressed quickly and headed out before even looking at his schedule for the day. Everything the network wanted could wait. At that moment, there was nothing more important than her .

 

The journey out to the docks felt longer than normal. By the time he arrived, he was almost out of breath from jogging. He made a mental note that he needed to start exercising more. His self-deprecation was cut short at the sight of her in all of her gloriousness. The new sails that he had ordered had not only come in while he was gone, but Regina must have had them installed as an extra apology.

 

Everything else was just as he remembered it, and he took a moment to just inhale the scent of well-aged wood. As children, he and Liam had always talked about owning a boat of their own one day. They were going to find an old pirate ship and salvage and restore it to its former glory. Both boys had known that it was only a pipe dream. Neither of them had a penny to their name at the time, and when Liam joined the Royal Navy, he said he had all the ship he needed. The dream had died, as had Liam.

 

When Killian started dating Milah, new dreams were formed. She had never been a huge fan of the water for long stretches of time. She preferred flying to her destinations. Milah told him that as a little girl, she had dreamed of living in in a fancy home in Notting Hill, and Killian was determined to make that happen for her. It had helped drive his music career. The band had really been taking off in Europe, and they were just on the cusp of a break out in America when everything went to hell.

 

After abandoning London for Boston, Killian was left with nothing but the dream he and Liam shared. He took all of the money he’d been saving for the dream house and used it to buy the Jolly Roger, and slowly over the past two years, she had come back to life. The only thing left to do now was sail her across the world, something he had planned to do as soon as the show was over, but now he had pause.

 

Killian had never intended to develop feelings for anyone on the show, but then Emma blew into his life and the Earth seem to tilt on it’s axis. God, he was pathetic, pining over a woman who probably wanted nothing to do with him. Last night, he had been so sure of her, of them, until August had come back to talk to Emma. That’s when all of the pieces started falling together. Emma had a past with August that she didn’t share with anyone, and Ruby had said that August was bad news. Emma seemed tense when he first arrived, and the look Ruby had on her face was almost murderous. After only a few brief words though, Emma had relaxed, falling into easy conversation as if they naturally knew how to fit together. They had no problem touching each other or showing each other affection.

 

That’s when it came to him; August was Emma’s cheating ex. Moreover, if their friendly conversation was anything to go by, Emma seemed more than willing to forgive him.

 

God, he was an idiot. Here he was, falling for a taken woman. He walked around the deck, letting his fingers slide against the smooth wood of the railing. He told himself that the Jolly was the only lady he needed in his life. Then, as if a sign from the heavens he heard his name being called.

 

* * *

 

“Killian?”

 

If he wasn’t there, she wasn’t sure what she was going to do with herself. He hadn’t answered his cottage door, and after the incident with the paramedics, the balcony was now common knowledge in the house and had become a gathering place for many of the other women. They had another rose ceremony that evening, and she didn’t want to wait anymore to talk to him. If she didn’t get to him now, she’d have to wait until after the ceremony, and by then it might be too late. She needed to clear things up before he did anything that they’d both regret.

 

When Emma reached the docks, she was shocked to find a huge ship moored up to the docks. It certainly hadn’t been there the day before. She wondered if it was another destination date planned for the show, but the ship seemed like an odd choice. Ruby had explained the her before the show that sometimes the contestants went out on yachts, but this was a far cry from anything like that.

 

She called out for him again, before spying movement on the edge of the ship. 

 

“Emma?”

 

“Hey.” She was suddenly nervous. In her hurry to get to him and talk, she had forgotten to plan out what she would say once she found him. “Um, can we talk for a minute?”

 

Nothing.

 

She was certain that he’d heard her, so his silence must have been an astounding no. She hadn’t prepared herself for that reaction.

 

“Please, just for a moment, then I’ll go and leave you alone.”

 

“Permission to come aboard granted.” His words lacked their normal enthusiasm.

 

Emma made her way on to the deck. The ship was breathtaking from this viewpoint. Everything was pristine, and while she knew nothing about old ships, everything seemed original.

 

“Welcome to the Jolly Roger. What do you think?”

 

“It’s beautiful.” Emma tried to smile, but it was tempered by the sadness etched across his face.

 

“ _She.”_

 

“What?” Emma asked.

 

“ _She’s_ beautiful. Ships are always referred to as women.”

 

Emma nodded. This conversation was off to a great start and she wasn’t sure how to salvage it, or even how to begin it really.

 

“I was an orphan.” The words fell out of her mouth before she realized she was saying them. It wasn’t exactly what she had hoped to start with but she found that when she started, the rest of the words seemed to flow freely. “Technically I was orphaned three times if we’re keeping count.”

 

Emma watched Killian, trying to gauge his reaction. He seemed confused by her random revelation, but intrigued nonetheless.

 

“I was found abandoned on the side of the road when I was a couple of days old. The nurses at the hospital said I was probably two or three days old but they weren’t certain. It’s kind of strange really, I don’t even know when my own birthday is.” Nervous laughter bubbled out of Emma’s mouth, but Killian waited for her to continue. “When I was a few months old, I was adopted, and I stayed with them until I was almost three. The couple that took me in had tried for years to get pregnant, but they finally gave up and decided to adopt. I don’t remember much about them, but they were kind and loving. Then, right before my third birthday, or at least what they celebrated as my birthday, they found out they were expecting their little miracle baby.”

 

Emma felt a tear roll down her cheek. She hadn’t told this story in years, not even to Walsh or Neal, and she had no idea why she was suddenly blurting it out to Killian. He seemed to sense what was coming next, and he moved closer to her, his jaw clenched.

 

“They decided that two children was going to be too much for them to handle, and since I wasn’t really theirs, they sent me back. By then I was too old to go with anyone else. Everyone wants a baby, not a three year old that was returned like spoiled milk. I grew up in foster homes after that, and the occasional group home. That’s where I met August. He was an orphan like me. His parents had lost custody of him because they were too addicted to drugs to remember he existed long enough to feed him. We hit it off right away. He was the first real friend I ever had, and then he left. He’s grandfather found out about August’s parents and came to get him and raised him. I was all-alone again. After that, I ran away a lot, lived on the streets, broke into houses, and stole food. That’s how I came to live with the Swans.”

 

Killian had moved so that he was standing right in front of her, wiping away her tears with the pad of his thumb.

 

“I stole something from a drug store and got caught. Leo Swan was the sheriff who came to arrest me. As soon as he heard my story though, he said there was no way he was sending me back, not when he knew I would just run away again. Instead, he brought me home, and somehow he and his wife Ruth took me in as their own. They officially adopted me was I was fifteen. I managed to get back into school without falling too far behind, and by the time I graduated, I was top of my class. After I went away to college, I got a phone call one day telling me that my father had been killed in the line of duty. I came home to try to help my mother, but she was inconsolable no matter how hard I tried. She passed away two months later. They said it was a heart attack, but I know she died of a broken heart.”

 

Killian wrapped his arms around her and pulled her into him. She let her tears fall freely then.

 

“When I was a lad,” he started, “my mother died. My father took care of me and my brother for a bit, but it all became too much for him and he left us alone to fend for ourselves. Liam, my brother, did his best, but really he was just a young boy himself. He joined the Royal Navy to support me, but for obvious reasons I couldn’t go with him. Instead, I was lucky enough to be taken in by a friend’s family. My brother died shortly after I joined the band. I know what it feels like to be alone Emma, but you don’t have to feel that way, not if you’re willing to let someone in.”

 

She could feel his arms tighten around her for a moment before he released her so that he could get a better look at her face.

 

“That’s not what this is. This, it isn’t tit for tat. You shouldn’t feel like you have to dredge up painful memories just because I did. That’s not why I told you.” Emma could barely even form full sentences and she was fairly certain she was just babbling now.

 

“Then _why_ did you tell me?” Killian’s brow was furrowed.

 

Emma steadied herself with a deep breath. This was the entire reason she tracked him down right?

 

“I just meant that there’s nothing to be jealous of because there’s nothing going on. Between me and August, that is. He’s like a brother to me. I’ve known him longer than anyone else in this world. I don’t tell people because it’s no one’s business, and he doesn’t tell because it would ruin the mysterious persona he’s built.”

 

“But Ruby implied…” He left the words drift off not wanting to say them out loud.

 

“Ruby doesn’t know. No one does. There’s nothing between us in that way. There never has been.”

 

“Then why tell me?”

 

Another deep breathe. “Killian, it’s one thing for Ruby or the rest of the world to misinterpret my relationship with August. It’s completely different for you to misinterpret it though.”

 

Killian’s face softened as he pondered her words. She waited to see if he would say anything more, but it seemed like he was waiting for her to take the lead, just as he had every time before.

 

Before she could talk herself out of it, she grabbed onto the collar of his shirt and pulled him into her.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always feel free to come yell at me on tumblr: wellhellotragic


	15. 15

 

“Then why tell me?” His voice was shaky. He had an idea, a prayer, of what she meant, but he needed to hear the words straight from her mouth before he could let himself hope.

 

“Killian, it’s one thing for Ruby or the rest of the world to misinterpret my relationship with August. It’s completely different for you to misinterpret it though.”

 

His lips were just starting to curl upwards when she latched onto his shirt and yanked. It took a few seconds for the initial shock to wear off before he felt the warmth of her lips on his. Once he came to his senses again though, he was all in. He straightened his body and placed his left hand on the small of her back, guiding her to close the space between them. His other hand tangled into her hair. Both of them tilted their heads and his first thought was of how perfectly they fit together.

 

He wanted nothing more than to deepen the kiss, to beg for entrance with his tongue, but he was afraid to ask for anything more from her. Emma was skittish on a good day, and nearly feral on a bad day. He knew how easily spooked she could be, and now that he finally had her, he’d be damned if he did something to make her run.

 

His internal conflict was short lived, though, as Emma was the one to brush her tongue across his lips. His mouth parted, and suddenly his entire body was on fire. Every fantasy of her was put to shame in one fierce moment. 

 

But as quickly as it had begun, it was over.

 

The loss of her warmth could be felt immediately as she leaned away. He pulled back from her to look at her face, and what he saw nearly broke him. Emma’s eyes were blown wide, and he could see the pure panic flowing beneath her jade colored eyes. They remained frozen for what felt like an eternity as he waited for her to say something, anything. He braced himself for what he knew was coming next, the last thing he wanted. The tension was like a vice on his heart and he couldn’t take it anymore.

 

“That was,” he started.

 

“A mistake.” Her words came out shaky. She looked terrified, but her voice was as wrecked as he felt.

 

“Emma.” Her name was a whispered plea on his part. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that.”

 

Before he could say anything more, she was already running back to the mansion. He wanted to run after her, but his legs wouldn’t move. He was rooted to his spot, unable to do anything.

 

Minutes passed, maybe even hours, before he was able to regain his senses and gain control of his body again. She was gone, and he felt like his heart was bleeding out inside his body. What had this woman done to him?

 

Everything felt dull as he wandered around the Jolly Roger, checking that all of the rigging was secure and that no harm had come to her during her transport to the estate. At some point, he had managed to drift into the captain’s quarters. Everything seemed to be how he had left it in there. Even the old guitar he used to play was sitting in the corner of the room.

 

When everything had gone to hell, he had considered selling the guitar, removing the last reminder of his old life. He hadn’t been able to part with it in the end though. For all the wretched ghosts it carried, there was also a piece of Liam attached to it. It was Liam, after all, who had believed in him, told him to go for it and to make something of himself. Killian couldn’t bear keeping it in his penthouse though; the haunting feeling that came from knowing he was in it’s presence was too much. Instead, he had brought it to his ship, letting mother nature do her bidding to the old wood.

 

He walked over and let his fingers glide across the strings. It was the first time he had touched it in almost two years. Everything became a blur as images of his life assaulted him. He closed his eyes and could almost hear the screams of Lost Boys fans; he could smell the sweat pouring down his forehead in the middle of a set. He would never admit it out loud, but he missed it; performing in front of sold out venues, creating words to inspire people, the rush of adrenaline for the cheering crowds. He miss her too, the raven haired temptress that had stolen his heart, standing off to the side of the stage so that only he could see her.

 

Killian had clung to her from the beginning, and for the past two years, he had held onto the memory of her, pining for her to return to him. He imagined her face in every woman he took back to his bed, imagined the smell of her perfume on them, or the way she moved in sync with him. None of them were her but with enough rum they almost could have been. He had thought of her every night since she had gone - until recently, that is. The memory of her laugh was beginning to fade, easily replaced by a new sound. Her eyes were more dull in his memories now as well.

 

His soul ached at how easily he was allowing Emma to replace Milah in his heart. In systematically trying to break down the towering walls that guarded Emma, he hadn’t even noticed when she had snuck her way in past his own.

 

The guilt came to him in waves. He had been willing to give up so much for his first love, but then she left, taking so much of him with her. His mind became muddled, and he did the last thing he ever expected to do.

 

He picked up the guitar and began to play again.

 

It was a soft melody, nothing he had ever played before. There was something cathartic about it. When he played with his band back in London, it was for just for fun, but something about this moment was different. He felt like he was finally starting to heal the broken pieces left in Milah’s wake. He hummed a tune as he played, letting go of all of the thoughts running rampant through his head. He played until his left hand began to cramp, and the pain was too much to continue.

 

Looking down at the jagged scars running across his palm, the pain seemed to amplify. It was too much and not enough. He’d never be able to play the way he used to. That dream was ruined, but perhaps that didn’t need to mean that his life was ruined as well. As he set the instrument back down onto it’s stand, he noticed that the light outside was beginning to dwindle. He had spent nearly the entire day hiding away on his ship, and if he didn’t return soon, people would come searching for him.

 

The journey back the cottage took longer than usual. He walked slowly, keeping his hands in his pockets the entire way back, as he tried to brace himself for the evening. He assumed that his ‘glamour team’, as Regina had once called them, would probably be waiting for him, and that the women would begin fawning over him the moment he stepped into the mansion. But the one thing he was certain of was that Emma would be avoiding him again.

 

* * *

 

Emma was out of breath. She had sprinted back to the mansion. She nearly slammed the door to her room behind her. Ruby emerged from the bathroom wrapped in a towel, startling Emma with her presence. Emma didn’t even try to hide her current state, letting her body slump to the ground, using the door as a guide.

 

Ruby watched her for a moment, trying to decide the best way to approach her. She settled on compassion over directness. Ruby walked over to the other side of the room and sat next to Emma. She didn’t speak; instead she grabbed one of Emma’s hands and squeezed it reassuringly. The silence stretched on, and finally Emma laid her head on Ruby’s shoulder.

 

“I did something really stupid.”

 

Ruby again said nothing, waiting for Emma to open up in her own time. “I kissed him.”

 

Emma heard Ruby take in a deep breath of air.

 

“Are you okay?”

 

That wasn’t the response Emma had expected. She had been certain that Ruby would bombard her with questions about how it had happened, and if it was any good. Ruby knew Emma better than that though, and what Emma needed right now was for someone to just listen without judgment. She needed the Ruby that had picked her up from prison after Neal left, and that’s the Ruby she was going to get.

 

“I don’t know. Ruby, I screwed up everything.” Emma’s voice sounded so fragile, Ruby’s heart broke a little.

 

“Emma, you’re human. You’re allowed to have feelings. You’re allowed to care about him.”

 

“Not when I supposed to be protecting him. God, it’s my job to watch over him without getting emotionally involved. What about the case?” She was almost frantic now. “This could compromise the investigation.”

 

Ruby pulled Emma in closer, letting her arm drape around Emma’s shoulder so that she could run her fingers through Emma’s hair.

 

“Hey, listen to me, Emma Swan. You are the best agent I have ever met. You are not going to compromise the investigation. As far as any of the other agents are concerned, you are undercover as a woman competing for his love. It’s expected for you and he to be intimate.” Ruby waited for Emma to respond, continuing only after it had become apparent that she wasn’t going to.

 

“I don’t think that’s what you’re really upset about though, is it?”

 

With that Emma sat up. “Of course that’s what I’m worried about. Ruby, you were there; my reputation has taken enough of a beating as it is. I can’t be the agent who can’t tell the difference between pretend and real life too.”

 

“Emma, do you remember our first case back? The one with the poor girl who was being blackmailed into giving up her child?”

 

“Ashley.”

 

“Ya, her. She was so lost when we found her. I mean, here she was, nineteen years old, pregnant by a man who cared more about his father’s approval then her. They made her believe that she was worthless, incapable of taking care of the child. She was so scared that she would end up like the other women who had defied him, face down in an abandoned building. She was going to do it- get rid of the baby- but do you remember what you told her?”

 

Emma nodded slightly thinking back on it. Ashley’s boyfriend was the son of a very powerful and corrupt senator. His father had been so afraid of how a scandal would impact his reelection campaign, that murder had become the most logical solution in his mind. Ashley wouldn’t have been the first either. There had been mistresses who had threatened to tell his wife of his affairs, but none of them had ever had the chance; each had suffered a ‘freak accident’, all of which were later revealed to have been carefully planned by the senator’s right hand man. Ashley’s boyfriend had seemed like a sweet enough kid, but he had been terrified of his father and, rather than stand up for himself and the family he had created, he was just going to look the other way as Ashley and his baby were dealt with.

 

Ashley had been hiding out in a rat infested, run-down motel, using the last of her cash to pay her weekly rent. When Emma and Ruby had finally found her, she had been completely beaten down. She had told Emma that she was done fighting, and she had no choice but to get rid of the baby. That’s when Emma had snapped. She knew what is was like to feel completely alone, unwanted, and powerless.

 

“I told her that everyone was always going to try to tell her what was best for her, and who she needed to be, but that that wasn’t enough. She needed to learn how to punch back and tell them who she was instead. She needed be her own hero and set a good example for her child.”

 

Ruby gave her an encouraging grin.

 

“Exactly, and I’m going to give you that same advice now. Emma, you can’t worry about what everyone else thinks of you. If you try to please them, you’ll spend the rest of your days miserable. I know you. Emma, you’re a force to be reckoned with, and you need to show them that. Don’t take their crap.”

 

Emma felt the weight of everyone’s judgment lifting from her shoulders. Ruby was right; she had let years of fear dull her spark. Between Neal, and the shame of everything that had followed, Emma had let them convince her that she was somehow less.

 

“Thank you.”

 

“That’s what best friends are for.”

 

Emma stood first, reaching out a hand and helping Ruby up. She felt free again for the first time in as long as she could remember. And while she didn’t need to prove it to any of the other agents, she needed to prove to herself that she could do this. She could be Emma Fowler, the bad girl who took no crap. She could seduce Killian Jones without letting herself fall for him. Everything here was make-believe; she just needed to remind herself of that. With a new sense of determination, Emma made her way to the bathroom to start getting ready for the Rose Ceremony. She was going to be the envy of everyone there, and she was going to do it for herself and no one else.

 

“And Emma,” Emma turned to Ruby, “for what it’s worth, I think he’s different from the others, and that’s what really scares you. Don’t push him away because of that. Don’t be afraid to let him in.”

 

And just like that, Emma, felt the weight dropping down on her again. 

 

* * *

 

The glamour team was becoming more and more efficient. The makeup girl had Killian’s coloring down to a science. Even so, Killian felt the way her brushstrokes lingered on his skin. She was always so close to him, and the warm puffs of breath assaulted his cheeks, making him uncomfortable. With the exception of her doing his eye makeup, Killian tried to keep calm by shutting his eyes. The woman who did his hair seemed just as interested in him as she took extra time to massage his scalp. A month ago Killian would have had them both in his bed, but right now all he wanted was for them to finish quickly and leave. At least the guy from wardrobe wasn’t quite as obvious about his affections.

 

Mary Margaret picked him up in her trusty golf cart and they headed to the mansion.

 

“So I know you’ve had a crazy last few nights. We’ll try to get all of this filmed as soon as possible with the least amount of reshoots.”

 

Killian gave a simple nod but kept his eyes trained at his feet.

 

“You okay over there? I promise not to let anyone try to drug you tonight.” He saw her grinning at of the corner of his eyes, and let out a small chuckle. “Seriously though, is something bothering you?”

 

He considered telling her, she was team Emma after all, but he thought it best to keep their shared moment a secret. A small part of him rationalized that it would only put more pressure on Emma, which could make her run, but a larger part of him was worried that it would only give them both a sense of false hope. The kiss had awakened something in him, but for Emma, it triggered her somehow. He was witness to the exact moment her walls began to skyrocket higher than ever.

 

_This was a mistake._

 

The words played in his head over and over, taunting him to the point of insanity.

 

“No, everything is fine. I’m just a bit tired is all.”

 

Mary Margaret opened her mouth as if she wanted to say something, but quickly thought better of it and snapped it back shut. They pulled up to the house, and she ran through the plans for the evening with him. Tina Greene had already received a rose, so while she would be the one person missing this evening. The three girls that were being sent home that evening had been sinfully boring at best, not even interesting enough for him to bother remembering. After tonight, there would still be eighteen girls left for him to deal with, but fortunately the only one he cared about was safe for another week at least.

 

“Well this ceremony will be much like the last one, with the exception of you sneaking away to have booze with some of the contestants.” Mary Margaret gave him a pointed look, one that should have been scolding, but instead was amusing.

 

“Yes, your highness. I promise to be on my best behavior this evening.” She blushed a little bit as she led him into the mansion. “May I ask you a question?”

 

“Shoot.”

 

“You and David seem quite happy. Was it love at first sight?”

 

She eyed him carefully, sensing that he was asking something bigger.

 

“Actually, I rather disliked him the first time I laid eyes on him. We met through work, and I thought he was a self-righteous prick. I actually threw a paperweight from my desk at him.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Ya,” she chuckled at the memory. “Unfortunately it hit him square in the jaw which split his face open. I had to take him to the emergency room for stitches. We started talking in the waiting room and I realized that outside of the office, he wasn’t actually that bad of a guy.”

 

“Well, battery aside, I’m happy for you.”

 

Both of them stood at the top of the stairs, waiting for the girls to get into place, before he could make his weekly grand entrance.

 

“Killian, I don’t believe in love at first sight. Lust, maybe, but not love. That’s something that comes from learning about the other person; it has a way of sneaking up on you. Don’t give up on her.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always feel free to come yell at me on tumblr: wellhellotragic


	16. 16

 

“Emma!” Ava’s voice was barely loud enough to pierce through the buzz of the room. The second ceremony had the girls a little more on edge. Some of them had even noted how little Killian had been around that week and were vocal about their displeasure. “Emma,” Agent White called out again.

 

Emma wasn’t sure why Ava was seeking her out in person rather than using the communication devices. Emma scanned the room, having heard her voice but not being certain where it came from. When she finally spied her, she tried to make her way through the crowd but was sidelined when two of the contestants cornered Agent White.

 

“Honestly, how are we supposed to make an impression if we don’t get to spend any time with him?” Ursula was tall enough on her own, but with her heels she was towering over Ava. Emma couldn’t help but think she was too tall. _Seriously, what guy wants a woman that’s going to dwarf him?_

 

“She’s right,” added in the slight red head. “Half of us haven’t even said a single word to him since the last ceremony!”

 

Aside from the fork shaped hairpin she was using to hold up her hair, Emma couldn’t find a single fault with Ariel. She was beautiful, and tonight notwithstanding, usually a very kind person. Emma could imagine her and Killian on the cover of some cheesy gossip magazine announcing their engagement. They would look stunning together, and that thought alone left Emma irrationally irate. 

 

She stormed up to Ursula and Ariel without thinking. “It’s not Mary Margaret’s fault that you can’t hold his attention long enough to get through an actual conversation with him.” Immediately Emma new she had overstepped. Ariel had never done anything to deserve the insults running through Emma’s mind, but she couldn’t turn back now. She watched as Ava gave her a sheepish grin.

 

“So what? You thinking being a bitch is somehow better?” Ursula had nearly closed all of the distance between them.

 

“I think,” Emma started as she stood up straighter, “that my opinion doesn’t matter, but clearly Killian hasn’t given the two of you much though either.”

 

“Ladies, can we just stop and take a breath. Emma is just doing what we asked her to from the beginning.” Both of the other women snapped their heads in Ava’s direction.

 

“What you asked her to do?” Ariel looked like a wounded puppy. “What do you mean?”

 

“The network’s executives thought it would be a good idea for her to have a certain persona on the show. It’s strictly for the ratings. The rest of you should just be yourselves.”

 

Emma felt more eyes turn to her. Apparently their conversation hadn’t been quiet enough to have been drowned out by the other conversations in the room. Voices started all at once, asking a hundred questions all at the same time. Most asked why they weren’t given personas or why the network hadn’t spotlighted them.

 

“Ladies.” It was Agent Charming who came to her rescue. “I understand that some of you are confused and upset, but this is still a show, and ratings matter. We do this each season, pick out one or two people to stir things up. It’s normal, so just go about the evening as you normally would.”

 

Ava pressed herself into his chest letting his arm come around her waist. Emma couldn’t help but notice how relaxed Ava looked in his arms; like it wasn’t the first time they had embraced that way. The other contestants were still upset but slowly began to disperse. James whispered something in Ava’s ear and she blushed before he left her to return to where his equipment was sitting.

 

“Well, that went well,” Ava’s sighed.

 

Emma felt a hand on her shoulder. Ruby gave her a cautious but curious look. “What was that?”

 

Emma groaned. “I don’t know, they were ganging up on Ava and I snapped.”

 

It was partly true after all. Emma had come to like Ava and wasn’t okay watching anyone say anything bad to her, even if she could take it.

 

“Is that all it was?” Ruby narrowed her eyes.

 

“What?”

 

“You just seemed overly protective of a few people there, not just Ava.”

 

“I’m not sure what you mean?” Emma thought back over the last couple of minutes. She had been angry and words had a way of falling out of her mouth when she let her temper get the best of her. _Crap_.

 

Ruby dropped the subject, giving Emma’s shoulder a light squeeze.

 

“Okay, well I’d say that your bad girl image is safely intact, so keep it up and let’s just try to survive the night without another attempt on Killian’s life.” Ava interjected.

 

Emma started walking away only to remember that Ava had been calling to her for something. “Hey, did you need something?”

 

“Oh, that? I was just going to say that it may help your image if you were a little more aggressive in trying to get his attention.” She gave Emma a wink and walked off to find Killian.

 

“So Swan, is there anything you’d like to share with the class?” Will chuckled as he asked. 

 

Emma growled into her comm piece. “Just doing my job, as you should be doing too.”

 

“No need to get testy with me Emma, I promise you that I have no designs on your boyfriend.” Emma felt the blush rising from her neck to her cheeks.

 

“I’m not- He’s not-” She stumbled over the words.

 

“Sorry about that. I’ve sent him to get a bit of air. Ignore him Emma,” Robin said. “He’s just an arse.”

 

“He’s more than that.”

 

“Emma,” Robin exhaled before taking a long pause. “Do you see the blond in the red dress near the stairs?”

 

Emma nodded, even though he probably couldn’t see it.

 

“Her name is Anastasia. She and Will were engaged. She actually followed him here from Manchester. They were very much in love, and one day she just up and left. He came home to find all of her stuff gone, except for the ring, which was sitting on the counter next to a note.”

 

Emma suppressed her desire to roll her eyes. If Will used to be anything like he was now, she could almost understand why the blonde left him.

 

Robin continued. “She had met a wealthy businessman, and you know the saying, the grass is always greener on the other side. She left Will for the guy, thinking that it would be champagne dinners every night, but I guess he found someone new not too long after and dropped her. She tried to come back to Will, begging for him to take her back but the damage was done. He’s never been the same since and has trust issues, as you can imagine.”

 

And with that, Emma Swan official understood Will Scarlett.

 

* * *

 

Killian was feeling oddly relaxed thanks to Mary Margaret’s words. He wasn’t exactly thrilled with the idea of cozying up to all of the girls, but as baffling as it was, something had happened between him and Emma before she had run away. Mary Margaret had given him the spark of hope he needed. If her relationship could withstand the physical violence of being hit with a paperweight and be as strong as it was, there was a chance for Emma to come around as well.

 

She had softened to him over the last two weeks. If he could break down her walls for even just a moment like that, enough for her to trust him with her heart for even just a few seconds, he knew he could do it again. It would take time though, and he needed to keep her in the game as long as possible for that to work. Killian needed to make sure the viewers were interested in him pursuing her.

 

Mary Margaret came back to the stairwell entrance. 

 

“All ready?” she asked.

 

“Almost. Can we…” he let the words cut off as he motioned with his head towards an empty hallway.

 

She understood immediately and lead the way looking back to make sure no one else was in earshot.

 

“What’s up?”

 

“I was thinking about what you said, about not giving up.” He watched as a smile spread from ear to ear across her face. “What can I do to make sure she stays on the show as long as possible? What do the viewers want to see?”

 

Killian could have sworn that Mary Margaret’s eyes were sparkling at that point, something devious behind them. “Be ‘Killian Jones, Bad-Boy of Boston’.”

 

“Excuse me.” Killian coughed as he choked on air.

 

“Killian, I’ve looked at the ratings and commentary from the focus group. People like watching a shit show. I know that’s not really you, at least maybe not anymore, but they want to see the lothario. They want the cocky arrogant guy who went after the girl with no shame. If you want Emma to stay, you need to go after her with everything you have.”

 

Killian nodded. “But won’t that actually push her further away?”

 

The gleam in her eye intensified. “Perhaps, but at least she’ll still be around for you to explain it to her later.”

 

Killian understood. Milah had once told him that it was easier to apologize than to seek permission. At the time, he hadn’t completely understood her meaning as anything more than a general idea. He hadn’t realized that it applied to their relationship as well. What he knew now was how utterly gutted he had felt when it had come time for her to apologize for her actions. The thought of doing something he knew Emma would hate turned his stomach.

 

He didn’t have much time to think anything over before he was nearly shoved down the stairs. The girls all cheered as they had the first time. He tried looking for Emma, but the new lights set up by the camera crew were blinding. He considered it a miracle that he was able to make it down each of the steps without tripping over his own feet.

 

As soon as his feet hit the ground, he felt hands tugging on his arm. The first face that greeted him was that of a woman he had dubbed the octopus. He was certain she had six extra arms that seemed to find his way all over his body. If she wasn’t trying to feel up his arms, her hands were grazing his ass, or dangerously close to his manhood. He couldn’t help but pray she’d be heading home the following week and that he’d be able to avoid a personal date with her.

 

She stroked his arm a few times, attempting to fully capture his attention.

 

“We missed you here in the house Killy. I can’t help but wonder if you missed us too.”

 

Hearing her call him ‘Killy’ was nauseating. Before he could reply, there was another woman at his other side.

 

“Killian, darling. Where have they been hiding you?” This woman, Killian recognized instantaneously. He had seen enough of her pictures in Will’s apartment. They were normally hidden, but every so often, when Will was completely pissed from a night at the bar, he’d bring them out and scream at them, like if he yelled hard enough, she would hear him across the city.

 

“Anastasia.” His grinned turned feral. “I hope you’re enjoying your time here.”

 

“Oh, it’s been simply marvelous, except that I haven’t been able to spend any time alone with you.”

 

“Oh, perhaps we should do something about that then.” Killian sauntered towards her, completely ignoring the other woman still standing behind him. “That accent, it’s obviously English, but I’d say somewhere close to Manchester. Maybe Liverpool?”

 

“You’re good. Most people automatically think I’m from London.” She batted her lashes at him.

 

“Ah, you have no idea how good I really am, lass. You see, I have a friend from that area too and his accent his quite distinct.”

 

“Yes, I’ve met a number of people from there. I guess it’s true what they say; it really is a small world.”

 

“Small indeed. You see, my friend also came here from there. With his fiancé, as a matter of fact.”

 

“Well maybe if things go well we could double date with them.” Anastasia bridged the gap between them a little more each time she spoke.

 

“Oh, as enticing as that sounds, I don’t think that would be possible.” He was close enough to whisper in her ear now. “You see, she left him for another man, thinking she could do better, but he dumped her like the gold-digger that she was. Last I heard, she was so desperate that she signed up for a television dating show, trying to sucker in another man with money.”

 

Anastasia leaned back from him and her eyes blew wide, realization dawning on her face as she registered his words. Her mouth fell open and she stood still, not sure what to do.

 

“Now, if you ladies will excuse me, I’ve got some more mingling to do.” He turned back to Ursula and found her watching Anastasia with raptured glee.

 

* * *

 

Emma watched as Killian whispered something in the other blonde’s hair, her own jealousy flaring. She still wasn’t sure what to make of her shared moment with Killian, but she certainly wasn’t keen on him sharing similar moments with anyone else while she tried to figure it out.

 

It had been a mistake, professionally at least. That much she knew. She could easily tell anyone else that she was simply trying to gain his affections so she could stay close to protect him. She could even tell them that she did it so that he would trust her with his secrets and maybe reveal if he had any ideas about who was after him.

 

The only problem was that she couldn’t lie to _herself_ . Not anymore.

 

She had kissed Killian Jones as Emma Swan, not Emma Fowler. It had definitely been a mistake, hadn’t it? She wasn’t sure of anything anymore. Killian had somehow broken past her walls and she was starting to feel safe with him. There was a side to him that no one else knew of, maybe not even Robin or Will. He could be sweet and charming when he wanted to be. She just wasn’t completely sure which of his two personas was real and which one was for show.

 

That was a lie too. She knew the flirtatious version of him was just for show. It was a form of armor to protect himself from more pain, and for some reason he saw fit to remove that armor around her. Terrified wasn’t a strong enough word to describe the way he made her feel. Neal and Walsh had beaten Emma down, but she was pretty sure that given the chance, Killian could be the one to ruin her.

 

She needed to protect herself at all costs. She may have kissed him as Emma Swan, but she was resolved more now than ever. She would play him as Emma Fowler.

 

Emma didn’t let herself think on it any further. Whatever Killian had said to the other blonde had clearly upset her. That gave Emma a small amount of satisfaction. She made her way to him, but was blocked by Belle.

 

“Emma, are you feeling well? You look a little pale.”

 

Belle was possibly the sweetest person in the entire house, so much so that Emma wondered what had drawn her to the competition in the first place. She was young, attractive, and intelligent; a true catch by any definition of the word. How could she possibly still be single?

 

“Yes, I’m fine, just a little tired.” Emma tried to brush past her, but she had lost sight of Killian.

 

There was a second of panic, remembering the last two times she had lost Killian. Both times she had let herself be distracted, and Killian had almost died. She was starting to shake, quickly looking around for any sign of him. She couldn’t find him, but she did spot Tamara in the corner of the room talking to Elsa and Ruby, which gave her a small amount of comfort.

 

She felt him before he said a single word. His breath was warm against the shell of her ear, and his stubble brushed against her neck. His voice was soft and pleading.

 

“I’m so sorry for this Emma, but I don’t have a choice.”

 

Emma turned just in time to see his face morph from one of sorrow to something hungrier. He tilted his head slightly and he sucked in his bottom lip, letting it scrape against his upper teeth as he released it. She was instantly transported back to that night in the bar, when he had hit on her for the sake of a bet. Just behind him, she could see the light from James’s camera.

 

“It’s a real shame, wouldn’t you say?”

 

Emma tilted her head to match his. “What’s a shame?”

 

“The general lack of libations here. Don’t you know, Emma? The fastest way to a man’s heart is through his liver.”

 

“I’ve heard stories about that, but the way I heard it, your liver was the fastest way into a girls pants.” Emma knew she was playing with fire, but this was Emma Fowler talking, so she pushed further, letting her hand slide up to rest on his chest.

 

His façade faulted just long enough for Emma to see shock in his eyes, before her returned to the man she had originally met.

 

“Should we try putting that theory to the test?” Killian popped the last syllable.

 

“I don’t see anything stronger than wine, and I’m guessing that you’d have to drink at least five bottles to even touch your tolerance level.” She let her first two fingers walk up the front of his shirt.

 

“Perhaps, but as I remember correctly, you can be very resourceful when you put your mind to it.”

 

An audience was beginning to form around them. This was the most anyone in the house had seen the two of them interact, and they were putting on a show.

 

“I might know of a place to get some.” She bit her bottom lip mirroring Killian’s earlier gesture. 

 

“Emma, what are you doing?” Robin hadn’t said anything since he told her about Will.

 

Emma chose to ignore everyone else. Instead, she let her hand fall down his chest before walking away, making sure to sway her hips as she went.

 

Emma broke into a run as soon as she was out of sight. She made it to her room where she kept the remaining rum Robin had procured for her. She felt her heart racing. She had been ready to tease Killian a little, but nothing close to what they had done. What made things worse was that she enjoyed it. She enjoyed being so close to him, having him look at her like he wanted to devour her. It was almost too much, but she couldn’t back down now.

 

* * *

 

Killian had given her what little warning he could, but he had been certain that she was going to scream at him, or run away the way she had earlier that day. He never expected her to play along, and she hadn’t just played along, she had egged him on.

 

There was no time to contemplate Emma’s change of heart though. As soon as she left, the wolves descended. He felt someone tap him on the shoulder and meek voice call out his name. He turned to find a blue-eyed blonde watching him. Aside from the eyes, she could almost pass as Emma’s sister. He couldn’t remember her name, only that she was an aspiring musician.

 

“Hi,” she said shyly.

 

He wasn’t sure how to react. He had been rather assertive in his pursuit of Emma and he was worried how his sudden change of attitude may be perceived.

 

“Good evening, lass.” He gave her a half smile still unsure of how he should be acting.

 

She blushed and immediately looked down at her feet. Her hands were twisting in on each other. In a different place or setting he may have found it enduring, but his thoughts were fully occupied with the lips he had tasted earlier that day.

 

“Have you been enjoying your time here in the mansion?” he asked, still trying to buy time for Emma to return, or for Mary Margaret to give him some direction on how to proceed.

 

“Oh, yes, it’s been lovely. There’s a beautiful grand piano in one of the reception rooms that I’ve been lucky enough to try out. It’s so much nicer than anything I’ve ever played on before.” She was finally looking at him.

 

A small jolt of envy hit him. There was a natural excitement that shined from her when she spoke about her music. Killian could remember the thrill he used to feel when playing, even if it was just in the garage of one of his mates parents. The Lost Boys were nobodies back then, but they had had the ability to dream of something more. That was lost for him now. He’d never be able to play with his band at sold out arenas anymore. He could barely even make it through two songs before his hand started throbbing.

 

“Ah, yes, I remember you telling me that you were in music. Have you been signed to a label yet?” The jolt of jealousy thrummed through him again.

 

“Yes, no, well I’m not sure. I was in talks with a small company in New York, but then I got the call saying that I had been picked to be on the show. I was still considering turning the show down at first, but then I heard that you were the bachelor and I knew it was fate.”

 

Killian swallowed hard. Fate had been nothing but cruel to him up until that point; fate was something that he ran from.

 

“I’m not sure what you mean,” he replied attempting to brush off her statement.

 

“You’re Killian Jones. You get that, right? I was sitting there about to sign with the dinky little label, and then I get a call that _Killian Jones_ is looking for someone. Of course it was a sign. I think you and I were meant to find each other, meant to come together and fall in love and make music to inspire the world.”

 

Killian felt the air leaving his body. He had grown accustomed to women making outlandish declarations of love over the past two weeks- actually, it had been the past two years if he were being honest with himself. The way she said it though, with such conviction and after they had only had one previous encounter. She must have been mad. He brought his index finger up to his neck to scratch at the spot behind his ear, a sure sign of his nervousness.

 

He never had a chance to answer her though, as another woman grabbed his wrist and turned him to face her.

 

“Well hello there, handsome. What’s a girl gotta do to get some attention around here?”

 

Her hair was fiery red and she was engulfed in a sea of green and purple as her dress swayed around her lower body.

 

Just as he was about to address her, he saw Emma entering the room again. Without thinking, he fell back into the old Killian Jones, just as Mary Margaret had suggested. Emma was going to hate him for it, but he hoped that it would be worth it in the long run.

 

“I’m not sure we’ve had the pleasure of meeting formally. I’m sure that I would have remember a lass as lovely as you.”

 

“My name is Ariel.” The girl nearly giggled out her name. 

 

“Ariel, like the Disney princess? I should have known.” 

 

“Oh, and how is that?”

 

“Because darling, we were ‘mermaid’ for each other!” 

 

He heard her gasp.

 

“Seriously, do you just talk to hear your own voice?” Emma had returned, as had her patented eye roll.

 

“Oi, don’t be that way, love.” His words were breathy and his accent had become amplified. “In fact, I was actually recently told that my voice could be the perfect tool for seduction.”

 

He was only inches away from Emma now. He could feel her breath on his lips again, and he instinctively closed his eyes, giving her the choice of what to do. The seconds stretched into what felt like decades, and he stood in front of her, continuing to feel puffs of warm air envelope his face.

 

* * *

 

He was playing a game with her, and she refused to be the first one to back down. She watched as his eyelids fluttered shut. Everyone in the room was watching them.

 

Her mouth crashed into his. She didn’t let herself overthink it as her hands grabbed at the collar of his jacket. Dozens of gasps sounded off around them, and she still didn’t let him go.

 

Unlike the last time she had kissed him, there was no hesitation on his part this time. His tongue was begging for entrance right away, and she granted it almost automatically. Her brain seemed to have no control over her body when he was involved. She had only meant for it to be a short peck on the lips, something to leave him wanting more. And if it happened to shock the others in the room, well, that was an added bonus. Instead, they were locked into a passionate kiss, and she found herself not disliking it. She was vaguely aware that someone had started talking to them.

 

“She’s only kissing you because that producer girl told her to. She doesn’t actually give a crap about you you know.”

 

It was Killian who pulled away first this time. 

 

“Emma?” His voice was broken.

 

She froze. The way he whispered her name reminded her of how easily he could ruin her. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Ursula standing behind Killian with a smug grin on her face. She wanted to tell Ursula to shove off, but she needed to stay in character.

 

“I just wanted to see if you actually lived up to all the hype. You know, Killian Jones, Bad Boy.”

 

She realized immediately that that was the wrong thing to say. There was a shift in his eyes, a flicker of sorrow quickly replaced with anger. He grabbed her wrists, which were still wrapped around his neck, and used them to push her away. He stood back, his eyes searching her face.

 

“I’d ask you what your answer was, but your face says it all, Emma.” Emma narrowed her eyes at him in warning.

 

“You already made yourself quite clear this afternoon. What is it that you do? Push away people before they can do the same to you, right, love?”

 

With that Killian stormed out of the room towards the main entrance of the house.

 

“Emma, what the hell was that?” David was glaring daggers at the door that Killian had just gone through. He had become more protective of her over the last week, coinciding with her impromptu girls night out with Ava. She was fairly certain that there was something going on between them beyond their cover story. She was also fairly certain that, given the word, David would have followed Killian outside and tried to knock some manners into him.

 

“Nothing, it’s fine.”

 

Emma removed her earpiece before running out of the room to follow him. She could hear whispered conversations coming from every contestant in the room trying to piece together what had just happened. She was hopeful that Ava would be able to calm everyone down and give them a plausible reason for why she had suddenly made out with a man who, only days earlier, she had admitted to not being able to stand.

 

The air had cooled considerably since she had entered the mansion earlier that evening. She felt the chill of the wind on her arms as she looked around for Killian. It took a minute before she found his shadowy figure resting against the mansion in the far corner. She walked towards him slowly, hoping not to anger him further.

 

“Killian?”

 

Even in the dull light, she could see something almost feral in his eye, like a demon trying to escape captivity.

 

“ _What?_ ” he spat back. “What do you want from me, Emma? Because I sure as hell can’t figure it out.”

 

“I- I-,“ she stammered.

 

“You what? You’ve kissed me now _twice_ today. I can’t do this! Not if you won’t let me in.” He was nearly screaming at her.

 

“You can’t do what? We agreed to be friends, Killian, that’s it.”

 

“Do you kiss all of your friends like that? Do you kiss all of your friends like you’re going off to battle and may never see them again?”

 

Killian was closing the distance between them, but his voice was growing louder and more fierce with every word and Emma couldn’t help but flinch.

 

Killian noticed. “Do I scare you, Emma?” When she didn’t immediately deny it, he had his answer. “Why are you so afraid of me? Is it because you can see a future with me? A happy one?”

 

Emma stepped back, but Killian matched it with his own step forward.

 

“ _Yes,_ ” she finally shouted out at him. “Killian, everyone I’ve ever been with has hurt me.”

 

“Great!” He turned and huffed away a few feet. “It’s great to know that you count me in the same company as those bastards. Have I- me personally- done anything to earn your distrust?”

 

“No, I-” He cut her off.

 

“Then why don’t you trust me, Emma?”

 

“Trust you? Of course I trust you, but that doesn’t mean anything. I trusted them too and look where it got me?”

 

Killian looked up at the stars above him. He brought his hand up and lightly pinched the bridge of his nose.

 

“It got you here. Emma, you’re one of the strongest people I’ve ever met. I can’t begin to imagine what all you’ve been though in this life, but you’ve overcome all of it, and now you’re here. You’re here with me. Isn’t that enough?”

 

Emma felt a few stray tears fall down her cheeks, and then his lips were on hers again, and this time neither of them pulled back.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always feel free to come yell at me on tumblr: wellhellotragic


	17. 17

 

They didn’t talk about it. When they broke apart, Emma could see a hundred questions floating around in Killian’s eyes, but he held them back. Instead they rested their foreheads together, and Emma grazed her fingers over his arm until they found the hand cupping her cheek. She squeezed it, hoping to communicate to him something that she couldn’t put into words, something that she didn’t completely understand herself. This meant something. _He_ meant something.

 

The realization sent a bolt of panic through her and she tensed. As she tried to take a step back, Killian’s left arm strengthened its hold on her.

 

“Please, Emma, don’t run again.” It was a whisper.

 

She looked up at him, only to find his ocean blue eyes stormy and pleading.

 

“Killian.” Just saying his name took too much effort and her voice cracked. “I- I’m scared.”

 

Another tear fell down her cheek, but was quickly wiped away by his thumb.

 

“So then we’ll take it slow.” His forehead came to rest on hers again and she let herself sink into him.

 

There were so many thoughts still swirling through her head. He was her charge first and foremost, and she was supposed to remove herself emotionally from him. Their entire relationship, if that was even what this was, was based on a lie. Even if it could work somehow, they’d have to keep everything a secret while he continued to ‘date’ other women. That thought made her stomach drop. So much for not becoming emotionally involved. 

 

“Stop.” His low commanding tone was enough to snap her back to reality. “I can feel you trying to talk yourself out of this.”

 

Her chest tightened. It was disconcerting how easily he was able to read her.

 

“Emma.” He slid his hand down her cheek until it was cupping her jaw. He used the leverage to tilt her head up, forcing her to face him. “Right now what do you want?”

 

She tried closing her eyes, but he implored her not to.

 

“Don’t think about. Just _feel_ it. What do you want?”

 

She was tired of fighting, tired of running.

 

“You.” The word was out of her mouth before she realized that she had even thought it. That was the point though. She had done what he had said and had let her feelings speak for once, surprising herself in the process.

 

His mouth fused to hers once more, but this time it was soft, and she could feel a yearning coming from him that hadn’t been there before. He had been holding back, trying to keep up his own walls as well. Yet somehow, with one small word, both of their walls had started tumbling around them.

 

When they finally broke apart, she felt herself leaning forward, in an attempt to chase his lips. Embarrassed, she felt her face flush, but he didn’t say anything, no innuendo, no placations. It was just him, looking into her eyes with awe, as if he were seeing her for the first time ever.

 

“Killian? Emma?”

 

Emma recognized the voice immediately.

 

“Are you guys out here?” Ava called out again.

 

“Time to face the world.” She tried to give him a reassuring smile, but she knew it had come across as weak and timid.

 

Emma watched his eyes fall from her face to the ground. He shuffled his feet a few time. He let out a slight sigh before looking back up to her. She wished her super power extended past lie detection, that she could read minds too. He must have sensed her trepidation at his silence, as he finally continued.

 

“Emma, it’s just you and me, in the here and now. Don’t worry about anyone else. Everything that goes on in there is just a show. This- you and me- is what matters.”

 

It should have made her feel better, but knowing that she’d have to spend the rest of the evening watching him kissing other women turned her stomach. Knowing that they were taking a piece of him that should have been reserved for her alone caused her heart to ache. A true ache. Not the humiliation she had felt when Walsh had cheated, or the pain she had felt in the months following her first love. This was an ache she had last felt the night she had realized that he was gone and never coming back. Neal. The man that had broken her and taken away her ability to trust anyone, especially herself.

 

Her breathing started to pick up and her heart began racing. The last time she had felt this way was with Neal. She may not have loved Walsh, not completely, but she had loved Neal. Was it possible that she was in love with Killian too? She had only known him for a few weeks, it shouldn’t have been possible, yet here she was. Perhaps she wasn’t in love with him yet , but she was definitely falling in love with him, and it would only be a matter of time before he shattered her as well.

 

“Emma? Killian? Anyone?” Ava yelled out for them again but Emma was too stunned to speak.

 

“We’re here.” Killian held out his arm and waited for her to accept it. When she didn’t, he leaned in to her and whispered in her ear. “I’m not him, love.”

 

Emma’s head snapped up. She had never mentioned Neal. In fact, Ruby was the only one who knew the real story. She knew that Ruby had told Killian about August. Had she told him about Neal as well?

 

“How-” She let the question trail off.

 

“You’re a bit of an open book. You’ve been hurt badly. I can see it in your eyes. I see it myself every time I look into the mirror. This was something more than simple adultery, something from long before.” He took her hand and rubbed his thumb over her knuckles gently. “I won’t ask you what happened, but I promise you, whatever it is, I’m not him.”

 

Still unable to speak, Emma nodded slightly and let him lead her back to the front entrance where Ava was waiting. When she saw the two of them, her face lit up and she gave Emma a knowing look.

 

“Come on, guys. Let’s get this over with. I’ll try to keep it as painless as possible.” She winked at Emma before the three of them made their way back into the reception room.

 

* * *

 

Killian wasn’t keen on the idea of leaving Emma’s side. He knew how frightened she had been to admit that she wanted something more than friendship, and he was nearly certain that, left to her own devices, she’d easily talk herself out of it.

 

As they entered the mansion again, Mary Margaret gave them a knowing smile. Killian was well aware that unlike her husband, she was very pleased with this turn of events, even if it might not be in the best interest of the show. She quietly told them that she was happy they had finally stopped being so bull-headed, but she had also insisted that they keep up appearances, and not let on that they were now together.

 

He really wasn’t even sure what they were, if he was being honest with himself. He just knew that it was a step in the right direction, and he wasn’t going to let her shut him out anymore.

 

Before they had parted, he had assured Emma that she was the only one he wanted, and that not a minute would go by that he wouldn’t be thinking of her. She had reciprocated with a simple “good.” He just hoped that she understood how repulsed he was at the notion that he would have to pursue these other women, even if it was just pretend.

 

It didn’t take long for the wolves to descend upon him once he entered the room alone. He wasn’t sure if any of them had seen him chase after Emma or if they had just assumed he had gone to do one of his randomly timed interview segments. None of them said anything, but some of them seemed more possessive, as if they could subconsciously smell another female on him, and were trying to smother him in their scent instead.

 

Ursula was the first to overpower the other woman surrounding him. She grabbed him by the left hand, unaware of the jolt of pain her contact sent up his arm. He flinched but she didn’t notice.

 

“I’ve heard through the grapevine that you’re quite the dancer. Care to impress a girl with your moves?”

 

He didn’t. He hadn’t danced in years, well aside from what Will had referred to as ‘the horizontal tango’. Liam had taught him years ago, in their cramped apartment. It had been sometime between when his mother had passed away and his father had abandoned them. Liam had always stressed good form and had explained that dancing should be an intimate act between two people. It requires two people being in sync with each other. There’s a level of trust that should exist between the partners.

 

Initially, Killian had thought it had all been idle babble on the part of his brother. Dancing with strange women in pubs after the latest Lost Boys concert took very little effort. In fact, he found that all that he really needed was an ale or two, and a lass who he could fancy for the evening. It wasn’t until after he met Milah that he finally understood Liam’s meaning. There was something completely different about swaying in the arms of a lover versus grinding a concubine. He and Milah would stay up late at night waltzing to an old song on the radio. She had changed that for him. She had changed everything for him.

 

Killian tried to think of a way to politely decline, noticing the glare David was shooting at him, but he wasn’t fast enough. Ursula coiled herself around him and began pushing and pulling to the faint music playing through the room. The other woman had formed a circle around them to watch them dancing, if that’s what it could even be called. Her hands shifted all over his body so quickly he could have sworn she had eight arms.

 

Luckily he was saved when Ursula’s spastic limb flailing landed her stiletto directly into the top of his foot. These women were going to be the death of him. Two of the other girls helped him to a chair so that he could see if there was any real damage. His foot was fine, albeit sore, but he took the excuse to relax for the rest of the evening. He scanned the room for a pair of jade green eyes, and was caught short when he found them already watching him from the other side of the room

 

She was laughing, her rosy lips pulled into a wide grin. It was such a rare sight to see her so unguarded and happy. She was just too far away for him to hear her, but he was easily able to imagine the sounds her laughter would produce. It was a sight and sound that he never wanted to let go of.

 

* * *

 

She had entered the room just before him, ducking in from a different entrance. She slipped into the crowd hoping that no one would question where she had been, or note how coincidental it was that she and Killian had both returned around the same time. Luckily Ruby was walking around alone, and Emma joined her to blend in with her partner.

 

Ruby tilted her head, and Emma immediately knew that she wanted answers to questions she had yet to ask. Emma pointed to her earbud signaling to Ruby that she didn’t want to talk about it in front of everyone. It was bad enough that she hadn’t removed it before speaking to Killian, but at least she could easily explain it away as a means of gaining Killian’s trust for the sake of the case. Everyone overhearing that she had developed strong feelings for him, on the other hand, wouldn’t be so easy to brush off, nevermind learning that every time she touched him she felt sparks or that each kiss was like standing in an inferno that she didn’t want to escape.

 

The feelings she had for him were overwhelming, and seeing all of the women in the room fawn over him had nearly sent her over the edge. Watching Ursula pull him into the center of the room with their arms embracing each other made her heart sink, even if he did look hesitant. But then something happened. Ursula started moving to the beat of the music and the room erupted in gasps and hush whispers.

 

“Bloody hell, is the woman having a seizure?” Will had stolen the words right out of her mouth. “Oi, maybe she’s just been possessed by a demon and she’s performing a ritual to steal his soul.”

 

Robin had tried to say something as well, but the sounds were muffled as he gasped with laughter. She was fairly certain what he had tried to say was that it looked like Ursula was attempting a rain dance. This only weakened her resolve and she felt tears fall down her face from laughing so hard.

 

She watch him walk to a chair on the other side of the room, escorted by two woman who seemed to think they were helping somehow. That’s when their eyes met, and his face seemed to immediately relax. She felt light in that moment, like everything may finally work out for once in her life.

 

But as with all things in Emma’s life, the moment was short lived.

 

Tamara had been almost reclusive since her last attempt on Killian’s life, and Emma knew it was only a matter of time before she tried something again. When Tamara made her way towards where Killian was seated and leaned over to whisper something in his ear, Emma felt every muscle in her body contract. The tension increased tenfold as she watched Killian’s face turned bright red, and she felt her blood begin to boil. He didn’t follow her this time though, instead remaining resolutely seated as Tamara walked away. Even so, it wasn’t until she caught Killian’s gaze again and he wiggled his eyebrows at her that she was able to relax a little.

 

The night passed fairly quickly afterwards. Emma had taken it upon herself to monitor every move Tamara made, but tonight her suspect seemed content to play the role of a wall flower. She spoke to Elsa, which was expected as they were roommates, but she also spoke to Tiana and a woman named Zella, whom Emma had recognized as Rapunzel. Emma completely understood why she had changed her name, but not why she insisted on living up to the moniker. Even if Emma hadn’t known her by name, the gossip in the house over that last week would have been a dead give away. Multiple people had complained to Ava about Zella’s smell, and judging by the odor coming from the rat’s nest stretching down to the floor, she hadn’t showered since they had got there.

 

That was it though. Calm conversations. Tamara went the entire night without making any moves against Killian, aside from whatever she had said to him to make him blush. When the rose ceremony was finally over, Tamara looked relieved to still be in the house and Emma waited with baited breath to see if this newfound motivation would spark her into action. It didn’t, and Emma watched, puzzled, as she quickly retreated to her room for the evening.

 

Emma had tried to find Killian after the final rose had been delivered, but he was gone, likely pulled into another set of interviews. Most of the girls still needed to give theirs as well, with a few of the less lucky girls needing extra time to give their final farewell speeches, so Emma resolved to find him first thing in the morning.

 

She waited about twenty minutes before Agent Charming called her back to do her interview. He asked the standard questions; first about the house and then how she felt about the competition. She rattled off some responses that Ava and Ruby had helped her prepare that went with her bad girl image. She made fun of the other contestants, throwing in her own zinger about Ursula’s dancing since no one had been prepared for _that_ .

 

When Charming finally got to the section of questions about Killian, Emma felt her heart start to race. She hoped the microphones weren’t strong enough to pick up the accelerating thumping in her chest.

 

“So, Emma, you and Killian seem to share a bit of animosity. What is it that’s keeping you here in this competition?”

 

That certainly wasn’t one of the generic questions he was supposed to ask.

 

“Um-” she stammered out. She let her eyes flicker to Ava was looked absolutely murderous.

 

“What the hell, mate? Aren’t you supposed to be _trying_ to keep her in the game? Or are you trying to get her kicked out?”

 

Charming’s face remained cold, seemingly unaffected by Will’s words.

 

Sensing that something was off, Emma subtly brought up her hand to push her hair behind her ear, hoping that Will or Robin would get the hint, and that the three fingers she was holding up to move her hair wouldn’t be noticed by Charming as she tapped a finger in her ear.

 

“Emma?”

 

Emma blinked twice signaling that she could hear them. Station three was reserved as a private channel for Will and Robin to speak to Emma directly. She didn’t like having to cut Charming out of the conversation, but she disliked the idea of him keeping things from her even more.

 

“What an eejit.” Will sounded exasperated.

 

“This has Graham written all over it.” Robin had never spoken against Graham, but Emma knew that when it came down to choosing between his boss and his friend, Robin’s loyalty rested with Killian. “He’s been having secret meetings with James for the past two weeks, and given Humbert’s feelings about Killian, I’m fairly certain what he’s trying to convince Charming of.”

 

Emma understood. It was just like before, when Ava had explained that Graham had instructed Charming to ensure that Killian and Tink had a romantic date with plenty of touching throughout the night and finally ending with them sharing a bed.

 

Graham was trying to keep her away from Killian, and she’d be damned if she was going to let him interfere. She was going to send him a message that she didn’t belong to him.

 

“Honestly, I think it’s all in good fun. Killian and I got off on the wrong foot in the beginning, I’ll admit that, but now it’s our ‘thing’ I guess. We banter and it’s kinda hot. I think he feels it too.” She bit her bottom lip for emphasis.

 

Charming immediately dismissed her, not asking any of the other questions Ava had prepared her for.

 

Emma was furious and was ready to storm away to her room when Ava caught up with her in the hallway. Before she could open her mouth to say one of the million thoughts storming her brain, many of which contained some strong four-letter words about their boss, Ava thrust a small, pocket-sized flashlight into her palm.

 

Emma watched her in confusion, until Ava pulled out the small communication device from her ear and waited for Emma to do the same.

 

“I’ve been asked to tell you that he hopes you’ll meet him in your spot, whatever that means.” Based on the grin Ava had, she clearly understood the meaning behind it. “Oh, and don’t be too long or else Ruby might get suspicious.”

 

Emma ran up to her room to change into something more comfortable and quietly slipped out of the mansion before Ruby had finished giving her interview. She wasn’t ready to explain anything to Ruby yet, not until she understood it herself.

 

* * *

 

He let out a sigh of relief the moment he saw Emma’s name on the cue card. Mary Margaret hadn’t given him the list of people that were leaving in advance and a part of him had worried that it was because she didn’t want to sour his mood by telling him Emma was leaving. When Emma came forward to accept her rose, their fingers brushed together and lingered on the stem, not wanting to break contact.

 

As soon as the last name had been called and the last rose handed out, Mary Margaret ushered him into the interview room. David asked him why he had chosen to let Anastasia, Tiana, and Zella go. Killian hadn’t had a chance to think of his answer beforehand so he decided to keep it generic.

 

“There was no spark. All three of them were lovely girls, truly, but I didn’t feel myself drawn to any of them.”

 

“So does that mean that you feel a magnetic pull to the others?”

 

Killian’s finger shot up to scratch just behind his ear almost instinctually. “I- Uh- There may be one-” he started, “or two,” he amended.

 

He noticed the edges of David’s lips pull downwards.

 

“Could that be Ursula, perhaps? You two seemed to have some chemistry out there on the dance floor.”

 

Killian couldn’t help but chuckle.

 

“Only if you’re referring to potassium chlorate and gummy bears,” he said thinking back fondly to his final year of chemistry. The resulting explosion and fire that had followed was one of the few things he remembered about the course.

 

The joke had obviously gone over David’s head, which Killian felt smug about. David asked a few more questions about a couple of the ladies in the house, but nothing about Emma. When his interview was over, Killian tried again to look for Emma, but he was ushered away by one of David’s sound technicians.

 

He couldn’t see Emma from where he had been segregated, but as Mary Margaret approached him with a schedule of events for the coming week he formed a plan. She informed him that he would be going on two dates, one of which would be with Emma, which he thanked her for, knowing that she was probably the only reason for it. Just as she was about to walk away, he called out to her, beckoning her closer with his finger.

 

“May I ask a favor of you, lass?”

 

A sly half smile formed. “Depends.” 

 

He knew he had her hooked.

 

“I just need a simple message delivered.” He paused until she nodded for him to continue. “If you would be so kind, I’d greatly appreciate it if you could tell Emma that I’ll be waiting for her in our spot.”

 

Mary Margaret looked to her side as if she were taking in a national secret to be delivered covertly.

 

“I’m sorry but the rules state that there is to be no contact between the bachelor and the contestants outside of the filming schedule.”

 

She never said yes, but based on the wink she gave him, he knew she’d relay the message. He wasn’t sure how long he’d have to set everything up and he nearly sprinted back to the cottage to change out of his suit.

 

The walk to the docks took longer than he had expected. It was hard enough to navigate all of the ruts and tree roots during the day, and at night it was a veritable death trap. He briefly let himself consider what a horrible and impulsive idea it had been, but he hoped that what he had planned would make up for it.

 

When he reached the deck of his ship, he ran down to the captain’s quarter with more ease, having every inch of wood planking memorized. It didn’t take much rummaging to find the candles he had stock piled and he quickly set to work illuminating the dark room. He set a few more around the ship, lighting them as he went, creating a path for Emma to follow.

 

He checked the batteries in his small speakers to make sure they were still good, and also that the ipod he had stashed away there had enough power to play a few songs. When he had decided that everything was good to go, he had nothing to do but wait.

 

It took nearly a half hour before he finally heard footsteps on the deck above him. He heard her call out his name, but stayed he silent, waiting for her to find him instead.

 

“Killian?” She asked again, appearing in the doorway to his quarters.

 

He stood up from the chair he had been sitting in and walked to her, grabbing her hand and bringing it to his lips, brushing a kiss over each knuckle. He watched her cheeks fill, even in the dim light.

 

“If I recall, love, I seem to remember you once telling me that you had never heard one of my songs before, and I thought perhaps tonight I could remedy that for you.”

 

She didn’t say anything, but her brow crinkled in contemplation.

 

“And,” he added. “Perhaps I was just looking for an excuse to spend some more time with you. You look beautiful, Emma.”

 

She smiled and looked down. He could tell she wasn’t used to receiving compliments, and shied away easily. He walked away just long enough to hit play on the song he had queued up on his ipod. It was a slow love ballad. He had written it before he had met Milah, before he had understood what love meant, but somehow it was still one of the band’s most downloaded songs.

 

He walked back over to Emma and grabbed her hand once more. 

 

“May I have this dance?”

 

He could see the trepidation in her eyes. She was fighting internally and it killed him that something as small as a show of affection could leave her so pained. It was clear that someone had crushed her heart, and he wanted nothing more than to mend it, to show her that she deserved so much more.

 

“Despite what you may have witnessed tonight, I promise I am much more skilled that I let on.” He hoped joking would lighten the mood.

 

“And if I don’t know that I’m doing?” She asked.

 

“Well, love. That’s what I’m here for. The secret is to pick a partner who knows what he’s doing.”

 

With that, she smiled and let him pull her to the other side of the room where there was more free space to move around in. He guided her right arm up to rest on his shoulder before placing his one on her back. He started slow, pulling her ever so gently to follow his movements. She was a quick study and he was impressed.

 

He let his mind wander as their bodies pressed into each other, recalling his brother’s words for the second time that day.

 

“Killian?” She sounded slightly worried.

 

Realized that he had spaced out he apologized.

 

“I’m sorry, love. I was just thinking about something my brother once said to me.”

 

He let the words settle, not sure how to continue without ruining the mood and without showing Emma how far he had fallen. They continued to sway back and forth as another slow song began to play.

 

“My brother was one of the best people I’ve ever known, a far better man that I. He basically raised me after our mother passed away. He’s actually the one that taught me how to dance, constantly telling me how dancing wasn’t just about moving your body. It’s about connecting with another person. I never understood all of the wisdom he had to give until it was too late.”

 

They had stopped moving, and there was something in her eyes that called to him. It wasn’t the pity most people gave him when they heard about his deceased brother. It was something closer to understanding. He hadn’t even realized that she had pulled him over to his bed until the were both sitting side by side on the edge of it. She kept ahold of his hand, giving it a light squeeze.

 

“He was killed in a freak accident, and I was alone for the first time in my life. There’s a part of me that still blames myself for it. I was supposed to follow in his footsteps, and if I had been there instead of in bed, I might have been able to do something about it.”

 

“But then it might have been you that had died.” He had never heard her speak so fiercely. 

 

“Aye, but at least the better man might still be here.”

 

This was hardly the way he had meant for this night to go. He and Emma were supposed to dance and listen to music. They were supposed to have fun together, and instead he was wallowing in guilt and self-loathing.

 

“And I’d be here competing against a dozen girls for the affections of August Booth.”

 

It took him by surprise. It wasn’t until he saw the sheepish look on her face that he realized it had been her attempt at a joke.

 

“Look, there’s nothing I can say that will ease the pain, but say you had saved your brother at the cost of your own life. What would that have done to him?”

 

He had never thought of it that way. Liam would have hated himself for letting anything happen to Killian, and there’s a good chance that he never would have recovered from the guilt of not protecting his baby brother.

 

This had been the first time he had spoken of Liam to someone since just after his death. At the time, he had explained to his bandmates that he would need to take some time off to plan Liam’s funeral, but when faced with the pain of his loss, Killian threw himself back into his music as soon as Liam was in the ground. It was the only way he could face his emotions. He had tried once to talk to Milah about Liam, but she had been uneasy, changing the topic as fast as she could. For years, he had bottled everything up. But now, for the first time, he had someone willing to listen, someone who knew his pain.

 

He didn’t need to talk about it. He just needed her to be there.

 

“My father tried to teach me how to dance once. I was a mess and kept stepping on his feet, but he never gave up on me.”

 

He immediately knew she was referring to her adoptive father, but it warmed his heart to know that at least once in her life, she had experienced real love.

 

“He thought that if I knew how to dance, I might actually go to my senior prom. I didn’t have the heart to tell him I wasn’t going because no one had asked me. Instead, I went and hid in the library until it closed and when I got home, I lied and told him I’d danced the night away. He always wanted me to be happy, and I was always waiting for him and my mom to realize that I wasn’t worth anything. I kept waiting for them to send me back, but they didn’t. Sometimes I feel like I didn’t deserve them, that they were too good for me.”

 

He watched as her head fell and her eyes filled. He squeezed her hand lightly, just as she had done for him.

 

“I wanted to be just like him. I begged him to let me come work for him after high school, but he insisted that I finish college first. I was studying criminal justice. The plan was for me to graduate and to go work with him as his deputy. Then I got a call saying he had been shot during a robbery. In the weeks that followed, I blamed myself too. If I had fought harder, I might have been with him, and I might have been able to do something. Ruby helped me realize though, that if I had been there, I would have been a distraction, maybe getting both of us killed. It’s hard, but you have to understand that things wouldn’t have been any better the other way around.”

 

Understanding dawned on him, her message clear. Blaming himself wasn’t going to bring his brother back, and it wasn’t going to help him move on. She understood all too well what he had experienced and the loneliness that had followed. Except for the first time in nearly six year, he didn’t feel alone. She filled a part of him that even Milah hadn’t been able to touch.

 

He turned to face her, letting his free hand rest on the apple of her cheek.

 

“Thank you.” The words were simple, but he hoped they conveyed how much her words- how much her presence- meant to him.

 

She closed the distance and let her lips form to his. Her tongue swiped against his lower lip and he opened to let his own tongue chase hers. It was slow and delicate, and everything they both needed.

 

They stayed there, sitting on the edge of the bed, kissing, but nothing more. Eventually they broke apart.

 

“It’s late and Ruby will have a million questions if I don’t get back soon. I’m sorry.”

 

Two hours earlier, he would have been terrified that she was running, but after their shared evening, he felt no anxiety.

 

“Will I see you tomorrow?” He asked.

 

He knew that the day after the rose ceremony was usually a down day and the women were allowed to do whatever they pleased.

 

The broad smile she gave him was everything. 

 

“Will there be coffee?”

 

“Aye.”

 

“Good.”

 

With that, she left his quarters and he heard her shuffle up the stairs and across the deck. He probably should have followed her, but if he had learned anything, it was that she needed space, and he wasn’t going to push her. He would stay there until morning and wake up early to make a coffee run. Then he’d see her, and they could have the date they were meant to. He walked up on deck just long enough to blow out the few candles that still remained lit before crawling into his bed and falling asleep, dreaming about happy times with Liam.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always feel free to come yell at me on tumblr: wellhellotragic


	18. 18

 

The morning sun streaming in through Emma and Ruby’s shared window was unwelcomed. While Emma had grown accustomed to waking early for her morning runs before work, the show was completely throwing off the schedule she had spent years cultivating. It didn’t help that her bed was in the perfect spot to catch the first rays of sun.

 

She peeked one eye open and immediately groaned. After she had returned from visiting Killian, Ruby had seen to it that she be given a royal inquisition. For her part, Emma tried to remain levelheaded and not lash out at Ruby. She considered on her walk back to the mansion telling Ruby about her rendezvous, but she wasn’t sure what she would even say.

 

_Yes, Ruby, I’m risking my entire career for a man I hardly know._

 

And that was the crux of the entire situation. Emma Swan was slowly falling in love with a stranger against her will. She didn’t know what they were, or if they would even become something worth lasting. She didn’t know why she felt a connection to him in the way that she did. She couldn’t explain that even though she had only met him a few weeks earlier, a part of her felt as if she had known him her whole life. How could she explain that to Ruby after everything that happened with Neal? 

 

Neal had driven a wedge between Emma and Ruby that had nearly ruined their friendship. Ruby had never particularly liked Neal; on more than once occasion, she had told Emma that she could practically smell the sleaze on him. Ruby’s assessment had planted small doubts in Emma’s mind about him, but when Emma had begun to ask questions he had always had practical answers, and had told her that Ruby was just jealous that Emma was spending time with someone else. He had told her that Ruby was a toxic friend, trying to poison everything good in Emma’s life.

 

What was worse was that Emma had believed him. Not to the core perhaps, but enough that she had pushed Ruby away. She had said horrible things to her in a heated moment, things she could never take back. Had the situation been reversed, she wasn’t sure if she could have ever forgiven her the way Ruby had her.

 

Then, when everything had fallen apart, Emma had been humiliated. She had become a pariah in her professional life, and had spent every moment of her personal life wallowing in shame, anger, and self pity. She had wanted to take everything back, but had been too late. Neal had taken everything from her and she had let him. She deserved what happened to her.

 

Ruby had been the one to break first. She had been twenty feet away when the swat team had descended on Emma. She had been there after Emma’s parole hearing. She had been there when Emma hadn’t been allowed to go home because her apartment had become an active crime scene.

 

She had been there when Emma had gotten demoted. She had always been there, and Emma had repaid her with stony silence, refusing to speak of Neal. It had hurt too much to keep thinking about it, so Emma had pushed it down and had built her walls higher than before.

 

Ruby deserved so much more than Emma, and here she was shutting out her best friend and partner again.

 

Ruby had known that Emma was lying the moment she’d said she’d been filming extra footage to be used later. For as good as Emma was at lying and changing her persona for work, and for as good as she was at fooling all of her marks, she had never been able to pull off a lie to Ruby. She always managed to see through them.

 

Ruby had gone to bed hurt, and Emma had tossed and turned for hours over the guilt, only to be plagued with dreams of Neal, and the empty promises he had made. When she finally gave up on sleep, knowing that if she tried closing her eyes again she would only see guns pointed at her face and flashes of light reflecting off the silver handcuffs, she found that Ruby had slipped out of the room.

 

Emma groaned again, feeling like everything was starting to fall apart. This had all been a horrible idea. After everything they had been through, she couldn’t risk losing Ruby over Killian. She needed to end it, as soon as possible.

 

Down days after a ceremony usually meant that most of the girls chose to sleep in, making it easier for Emma to escape unnoticed. She glanced around, seeing that the hallway was empty, before taking the hallway that would lead her to the back door. She found herself sighing in relief as she opened the door. She wasn’t actively avoiding Ruby, but she wasn’t ready to have the conversation that Ruby deserved. Not when she first had to have an equally intense conversation with Killian.

 

Each step towards the docks further cemented Emma’s resolve to end things with Killian before it escalated into something more. Before anyone got hurt. When she stepped on board his ship, expecting Killian to be waiting for her, she noticed how quiet everything was. The only noise in the air was some slight creaking coming from the wood slats as the ship rocked up and down in the waves. It was a comfortable silence though; she could easily understand why Killian had become so enamored with sailing. There was something exhilarating about being on a boat, a freedom that came from knowing that someone could be in control of their destiny somehow. The ocean has always calmed her, but this was more.

 

Remissed to break the serenity she had found standing on his deck, she quietly headed down to the quarters he had danced with her in the night before. She had expected him to be waiting for her with a cup of coffee and his heart-stopping grin. What she found instead nearly knocked the air out of her.

 

Fear rushed through her as she caught sight of his still, lifeless body on the bed. It didn’t take long for her to process what was she was seeing. Over the years she had seen more than her fair share of bodies and they all had that same stillness. Like someone had hit the pause button. On the floor, next to the bed where Killian was lying unconscious, was a now empty bottle of ginger ale. Poison . She couldn’t remember the last time she had seen Tamara, but poison had been her first choice, and she wouldn’t have put it past her to try it again. It wouldn’t have taken much effort for her to find him out there. God, she should have warned him. She should have stayed with him. Leaving Killian on the boat alone had been a mistake. He was vulnerable being so far away from people, from the team that was supposed to protect him.

 

Emma watched Killian lying on his mattress, completely motionless. Tears pricked at her eyes as she waited for his chest to rise and fall, or for his eyelids to flutter, but nothing.

 

She tried to yell his name, but she was nearly paralyzed with fear and no sound came out no matter how hard she tried. She felt as though her legs were made of lead, and each step towards his body required more effort than her body could provide. She felt as though she was going to collapse. His face looked so peaceful though, and Emma’s heart broke at the sight of it. Emma watched him from where she was rooted to the floor, too afraid to move. She had noticed that he was handsome that first night in the bar even if she hadn’t been ready to admit it then, but watching him now, she couldn’t deny how gorgeous he really was with flecks of ginger scruff smattering his chin.

 

She reached out for him, placing her hand on his arm. Instead of finding the same warmth that had surrounded her the previous night, his skin was cold to against her skin. He was gone; she had failed him. She’d never get lost in his blue eyes again. She should _do_ something, _get_ someone, but she couldn’t move.

 

Only moments earlier she had come to him with the sole intention of of ending things, and now she would have given anything to have more time with him.

 

“Killian.” Her body racked with sobs as she finally managed to croak out his name over and over again. “ _Killian_.”

 

* * *

 

The night before had felt like a dream. Not only had Emma showed up, but she’d managed to lower her walls enough to let him see the real her. When she’d left, he’d felt assured for the first time that she wasn’t going to completely shut him out again. He knew that it wouldn’t be easy and it would take time for her to learn to trust him, but there was hope.

 

He went to bed relaxed, dreaming of Liam thanks to memories that his night with Emma had stirred. He dreamed about sailing with Liam. No expectations, no judgements over life choices. It was just two brothers enjoying their time together.

 

They remained in their peaceful state until just before the early signs of the evening set in. Clouds started forming around them. The last of the sunlight began to wane as Killian and Liam ran around the ship trying to reset the sails to avoid damage if the storm worsened. A knot formed in the pit of his stomach as they began to sway back and forth in the now violent waves. Rain pelted them from above and each raindrop felt as though it was slicing through his skin. He searched around for Liam, but his vision was limited by the rain and the darkness that had set it.

 

“Liam!” His voice was hoarse from calling out to him. “Liam, where are you brother?”

 

The response that followed was barely a whisper above the howling wind.

 

“Killian! Get below deck!”

 

“Not without you!”

 

“That’s an order sailor!”

 

Killian watched in horror as the casual sailing clothes that Liam had been wearing all day morphed into a royal navy uniform. Killian looked down, expecting to find himself in a similar outfit, but his clothes were unchanged. A bitter reminder of the promise he had broken. It didn’t matter if Liam had insisted that he pursue his music instead. Killian should have joined, he should have followed Liam. Emma’s words echoed somewhere in the back of his head, telling him that it wouldn’t helped, but in that moment, his emotions prevailed over common sense.

 

“Brother, please.” He pleaded with Liam in vain.

 

“It’s too late for me. I’m already gone.”

 

Killian was helpless as another wave crashed into the ship, nearly causing it to capsize. The last glimpse he caught as he hit the deck was of Liam falling over the edge of the railing. He tried to stand, but his shoes kept slipping on the slick wood beneath his feet.

 

“ _Liam! No!_ ”

 

Just as quickly as the storm had arrived, it dissipated. The sun returned and the deck was once again dry, as if nothing had happened. That was of course a lie; everything had happened and Liam was gone. Finally able to regain his footing, Killian ran to the edge of the deck, frantically searching the water where Liam had been swept in. The water was calm now though, and Liam was nowhere to be seen, swallowed whole by the ocean.

 

He closed his eyes, mourning the loss of his brother once again. Time may heal all wounds, but Killian felt his ripped open anew. When he finally opened them, the scenery had shifted. He looked around; the surroundings seemed familiar but he couldn’t quite place them.

 

“Killian, did you hear me?”

 

It was a soft voice that had haunted him for two years. He turned to find her standing near the back of the tour bus, her hands on her hips, staring him down.

 

“No, love. I’m must have been lost in thought.”

 

He stepped towards her, wanting nothing more than to hold her in his arms again. He wanted to feel the warmth of her skin against his. He wanted to revel in the scent of her perfume.

 

She held a hand up, stopping him dead in his tracks.

 

“That’s the problem, Killian. You’re always daydreaming. You need to get your head out of the clouds and focus on reality!”

 

“Milah, please.” If he’d thought his voice sounded broken before with Liam, he couldn’t even give voice to the sound coming from him now. “I don’t want to fight, please.”

 

He stepped closer, thinking that if he could just get to her he could hold on to this moment forever. But, just as it had with Liam, he felt the knot begin to twist and tighten in his belly. He tried to yell for her to stay with him as she pushed passed him heading for the exit. He was helpless though as he watched he go, all of the pleading in the world unable to make her stay.

 

His body remained frozen against his will. He couldn’t breathe, could move. The walls began to close in on him and he felt the air becoming cold. His heart felt as though it were in a vice and everything began to go dark. He felt himself giving in, letting himself fall into the darkness, waiting for the pain to end. Waiting for everything to end.

 

He tried for one last breath but nothing happened. He closed his eyes, willing death to take him, but then a brightness infiltrated the space all around him and he heard a voice. It was muffled at first but it was the voice of an angel, he was sure of it. Maybe it was an angel coming to take him to heaven, and just maybe his life hadn’t been filled with as many bad deeds as he’d thought. They wouldn’t send an angel to take him to hell, would they? Though he did deserve it, he thought, after all.

 

“Killian.” The voice became more clear each time it spoke.

 

It called out to him, sounding just as broken as his soul felt.

 

He felt something stir inside him; his heart fluttered back to life.

 

“Killian?”

 

It was _her_ voice.

 

Killian gasped as the air refilled his lungs. It burned, but at least that meant he was still alive.

 

“Killian?” Her voice sounded more desperate now and he felt the warmth of her palm brush down from his forehead to his cheek. He leaned into it, still too confused to move any further.

 

“Killian.” The desperation was gone now, replaced by a relieved sob.

 

He fought to open his eyes, still not understanding where he was, or what was happening. The room was filled with morning light, and he had to blink it away. The familiar wooden slats above him helped him to remember where he was. _His ship_. He heard a sniffle, reminding him that he wasn’t alone.

 

Turning his head as far as possible he saw her; his angel. Emma’s face was red and her eyes were glistening with the remnants of the fresh tears running down her face.

 

“Emma?”

 

She let out a small chuckle.

 

“Hey, don’t talk, okay. Just relax right now.”

 

He tried to give her a smile but he knew immediately that the effort had fallen flat.

 

“Stay with me?”

 

“I’m not going anywhere.”

 

She took him completely off guard as she leaned in and placed a kiss against his forehead, brushing the hair off his face with her hand. Even more surprising was the moment that she laid down and curled up into him, the mattress dipping down around her as she did so. One of her hands came to rest over his heart while her head found it’s way to his shoulder.

 

They lay in silence. He was oddly tired considering that he had just woken, but he still couldn’t fall asleep, too afraid of what may be waiting for him. Her breathing had evened out and he was almost certain that she had fallen asleep.

 

“I thought you were gone.” Her voice was so small he almost missed it.

 

Using what strength he had left, he shifted slightly so that his arm could wrap around her waist.

 

“Why would you think that?”

 

“You weren’t breathing. I just- I walked in and you were so still and pale. I thought something had happened to you.”

 

“Shhh.” He still felt too weak to say much more but he hoped it helps to soothe her somehow. He usually sent woman away as soon as soon and they were finished having fun. They never stayed the night, so to his knowledge, no one had ever witness on of his terrors. He’d always awoke gasping for air but, having experienced it before, he always knew what was happening. He couldn’t imagine how difficult it must have been for Emma to witness it.

 

They continued to lay in bed, watching as more light filtered into the cabin, signaling that it was almost midafternoon. They should get up at some point, but he was too content having Emma in his arms to care about anything else.

 

* * *

 

This wasn’t how things were supposed to happen. He wasn’t supposed to have been dying. She wasn’t supposed to have cared so much. Naturally, she’d been concerned for him as part of her job, but the panic she’d felt went beyond that. She’d really thought she had lost him, and it had felt like he had taken a part of her with him. She couldn’t explain it, but whatever was happening between them, it was too late to go back.

 

“Can you- do you want to talk about it?” They needed to discuss it. Whatever had happened, she needed to know how to protect him from it happening again.

 

She felt him shift below her as his head nuzzled into her hair.

 

“It was just a nightmare.”

 

She knew the power that nightmares could hold. She’d been haunted by them nightly in the aftermath of Neal, but never once had she almost died from one. She propped herself up so that she could see his face.

 

“That’s only part of it.”

 

He chuckled. It was the first positive sign she’d had since he’d gasped back to life that morning.

 

“Aye. Your super power doesn’t ever take a break does it?”

 

He was joking, another good sign.

 

“I’m sorry, love. I didn’t mean to frighten you. I used to get them years ago, but I’ve always been able be able to wake myself up before.”

 

She stroked his face with her hand before she let herself curl back into him. There was a certain amount of relief that she felt knowing that Tamara had had nothing to do with it.

 

“May I ask what the nightmare was about?”

 

He tensed before responding.

 

“It was about my brother. He died and I couldn’t do anything but watch it happen.”

 

He wasn’t lying, but he wasn’t telling the entire truth either. Whatever else he had dreamed of, it wasn’t something he trusted her with, and it hurt. She knew that it was unfair of her to expect him to spill all of his darkest secrets to her. He had walls too, and perhaps that was why he understood her so well. It didn’t take the sting out of it though.

 

“I couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe. It’s never been like that before. I felt trapped, but then I heard your voice and followed it back.”

 

His hand tightened around her waist, and she realized just how intimate their positions had become. Their legs were now tangled together. One of his arms was wrapped around her waist while his other hand toyed with a lock of her curls.

 

It should have scared her. The panic should have been coursing through her veins. The bile should have been building in her throat. None of that happened though. Her body was completely content to stay there with Killian, and whatever resolve she had brought with her crumbled in his arms.

 

The rest of the afternoon was spent laying in bed. It wasn’t until their stomachs began to growl that they even contemplated returning. It was a down day for Emma, but she was certain that people would be looking for Killian at some point to review schedules. She was just running her fingers through her hair, attempting to fix her appearance into something less scandalous, when realization dawned on her.

 

_Shit!_

 

In Emma’s haste, she hadn’t bother to grab her comm device. If anyone else had noticed that he was missing, they’d surely be waking back in a minefield of panicked agents searching for him. She was the one to make the decision not to linger any longer. They needed to return, and quickly. She nearly broke when he asked why she was in such a rush. She wanted so badly to explain everything to him, but her fear stopped her. What would he say if he knew? Would he still even want her?

 

Everything was too new, too fragile. She couldn’t risk it yet. The rational side of her brain also reminded her that it would be just as dangerous for Killian if he knew. If Tamara felt cornered, she might come out fighting. Then they’d never find out who had ordered the hit in the first place. They would just send someone new after him. No, she couldn’t tell him. She couldn’t lose him.

 

Instead she ground out the excuse that if they didn’t return soon, someone might figure out that they were together and that the news of them spending time alone together wouldn’t be well received with the other contestants.

 

“Or David.” he supplemented.

 

“What was that?”

 

“Nothing. Forget I said anything.”

 

“No, I let the other one go. You don’t get two freebies in a row. What did you mean by that?”

 

She heard him huff.

 

“It’s-” He was struggling to find the right words. “He’s just said some things to try to dissuade me from attempting to pursue you. Clearly it was nothing I took to heart.”

 

“Like what?”

 

Emma could feel her blood boiling. She knew from Eva that Graham had manipulated Charming into believing that Killian was a horrible person, but what could he have said about her?

 

“Nothing, really. He just told me that he’d read your file and that I should stay away, implying that you had a sordid past. I didn’t say anything to you because I didn’t believe him. And even if what he said was true, a person shouldn’t be defined by who they used to be.”

 

There was a sincerity in his eyes that spoke of his own experience with indiscretion. She would need to have a conversation with Charming when they returned. She mentally snickered at the irony of his name.

 

They walked back as fast as they could without putting too much exertion on Killian’s still weak body; the events of the morning had clearly taken a lot out of him. There was no movement outside the mansion or Killian’s cottage, telling her that either no one had noticed their absence, or that Ava had covered for them.

 

Emma found it difficult to part from him when they reached his cottage. She was worried that he might have another episode and no one would be there to help him. She contemplated asking Will or Robin to stay with him, but she wasn’t ready to explain what had happened and she wasn’t sure that Killian would appreciate anyone else knowing.

 

He must have read her worry on her face, immediately beginning to assure her that he would be alright on his own. She only left knowing that there was another conversation she needed to have as soon as possible. Maybe she’d be able to sneak back out later to check on him.

 

Getting back into the house took more effort than her morning exit had. The other women we all milling around the mansion, and she had to wait in a hallway for all of the voices to disappear before she could step back inside to search for Ruby. It didn’t take long to find her - she was in the first place Emma looked; the kitchen.

 

Ruby had always reverted to baking when she was upset. Emma let the guilt wash over her, knowing the pain she had caused Ruby.

 

“Hey.” They were alone but Emma was still apprehensive about approaching her.

 

“Hey.” Ruby sounded equally as uncertain.

 

“What are you making?”

 

“Nothing right now, but I just finished some of my famous chocolate chip cookies.”

 

Emma felt even worse. Those cookies were usually Ruby’s way of apologizing to Emma, and she had nothing to apologize for. It was Emma’s fault that things were strained between them.

 

“Um,” Emma looked at the floor and wrung her wrists. “Could we talk?”

 

Ruby gave her a small sad smile.

 

“Sure.”

 

Ruby put some of the fresh cookies on a plate before following Emma back up to their room.

 

Emma hadn’t been sure of where to start so she’d blurted out everything at once instead, leaving Ruby to tell her to calm down and start at the beginning. Emma took a deep breathe and thought back, trying to give Ruby as many details as possible. She explained how she’d hated him at first, but that as time had gone by, she’d realized that his behavior was simply his way of deflecting to cover up a painful past. She told Ruby about their secret meetings on the balcony. She told him about the docks and Killian’s ship. She talked about kissing him and being in his arms and how right it all felt.

 

Ruby waited patiently as she let it all out. Emma felt lighter finally telling someone all of the things she had been holding in. She had expected Ruby to lecture her about crossing professional boundaries, or state that Killian wasn’t good enough just as she had done with Neal and Walsh. She waited, but it never happened.

 

Instead, Ruby’s arms wrapped around her and Ruby tightened her grip.

 

“Emma, why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

 

“I was scared. I haven’t made good choices in the past and I didn’t want to disappoint you.”

 

“Oh, Emma. Don’t you realize? I was trying to push you towards him.”

 

Emma pulled back, trying to study Ruby’s face.

 

“You’re different around him. Even in the bar that first night. You weren’t trying to be somebody different for him, and he was smitten with you, Emma. _You_ , not some random version of you that you thought he might like. You’re fierce and sharp witted with him, and you should see the way he looks at you for it. You make each other better.”

 

“You approve?”

 

“Officially, as your partner? No, this goes against all of the rules. _But_ as your best friend, I say you grab onto him and don’t let go.”

 

She could do that. For the first time, with Ruby’s encouragement, she saw herself having a happy future. She just needed to keep him safe first.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always feel free to come yell at me on tumblr: wellhellotragic


	19. 19

 

Killian was nervous. He hadn’t seriously dated anyone in years, not even casually, yet here he was, about to go out on a slightly real- slightly fake date with Emma Fowler. He just needed to survive his morning date with Belle French first, without any extra prodding from David. Belle seemed like a sweet enough person, but even without his feelings for Emma, there was no spark between Belle and him. She was the kind of woman who needed an intellectual partner to throw dinner parties with, ones where people talked about literature and politics. She didn’t need him.

 

Mary Margaret had woken him early that morning, telling him that his team would be by shortly to get him ready. There was a book fundraiser coming up for the local children and they needed celebrities to come by and read to the children. The show’s producers thought it would be a nice way to get extra exposure for the show while helping those in need. It didn’t hurt that it was right up Belle’s alley as a bookworm and that it would translate nicely on film having her there.

 

His team arrived shortly and went to work, giving him just the right combination polished and devil-may-care. He couldn’t help but notice that the make-up artist, who in the beginning had blushed at just the sight of him, now seemed more bold. Her brush strokes went lower on his chest, and if he tried closing an extra button to prevent it, she would insist that he undo it again so she could do her job properly, telling him that it was for the best when it came to high angle shots.

 

He was counting down the days until all of this was done. Counting the days until he wouldn’t have to sit in a makeup chair, or get wardrobe fittings. He was counting down until he was finished going on fake dates and playing everything up for the cameras. Counting down until he could take Emma out on a real date, until he could hold her hand in public. Counting down every last second until he could have his life back. 

 

Unfortunately, for all of his counting and daydreaming, Emma still wasn’t guaranteed to win. The idea of having to fake-propose to another woman, to fake-plan a wedding and to continue fake- dating her for six months after the competition made his stomach sour. He needed Emma to win. He needed Emma.

 

With all of his camera prep finished, Mary Margaret made her way back to his cottage to pick him up in her golf cart. The sun was already high above them, casting a warmth that had Killian grateful that his team opted for a more casual look.

 

Belle was already waiting by the car and the camera began rolling the moment he stepped off of Mary Margaret’s cart. He gave her a proper greeting, not completely put off by the idea of spending the day with her doing a good deed. They gave each other a chaste hug before stepping into the limo.

 

Just as before, they had to do multiple takes, which quelled any fear Killian might have over David’s intentions between him and Belle. It also helped that Belle wasn’t sexually aggressive like some of the women. He felt oddly comfortable around her, like she was an old friend.

 

The ride to the children’s museum where the reading was taking place was filled with easy conversation. He and Belle discussed her background; she was originally from France, but her father had moved her to the states not long after her mother had passed away. Killian understood the feeling of losing someone dear and having to start over. She explained that her father had read to her every night as a child and she had fallen in love with books. So much so, in fact, that she had become a librarian. For his part, Killian kept mum about his beginnings.

 

The museum was garish, even by Killian’s standards. He had expected to find something more like the London museums, but instead found a red monstrosity before him.

 

“This is, er, um, unique,” he sputtered out.

 

Belle chuckled. “I take it you haven’t been to many museums?”

 

If it had been any other person, Killian might have taken it as an insult, but coming from Belle, he knew it was just a blank statement.

 

“No, I’ve been to plenty, actually. I didn’t have many friends as a child so I’d spend as much time as I could at the Natural History Museum.” He could feel the pity radiating off of her in waves at the mention of his lonely childhood. “What I meant, though, was that I expected something a little more historic and ornate. Not something quite so modern.”

 

“Ah, I see. You would like the Boston Museum of Fine Arts, then. The children’s museum was renovated about ten years ago and looks completely different now.”

 

Killian nodded along as they ascended the stairs.

 

Just before they entered, David and his camera crew went inside to film their entrance while Mary Margaret gave them instructions.

 

“Okay, here we are. Luckily for you two, we’re taking a much more tame approach to this section of filming since we’re around young, impressionable children and their families. There won’t be any groping or other drama.”

 

Mary Margaret had a slightly mischievous gleam in her eyes as she spoke.

 

“Now, I shouldn’t need to remind the two of you that, children’s museum or not, this is still a dating show and we need you two to at least pretend to be interested in something more than casual conversation. Make eyes at each other from time to time.”

 

They were escorted into what looked to be a conference room where even more cameras were set up for press releases. Flashes were going off from all directions and Killian felt uneasy being under the watchful eye of the media. Even when things had been good, a part of him had always been uncomfortable with that aspect of his career. After everything had gone to hell, and Killian had begun drinking a bottle a night, he’d found himself even less inclined to care for them, as his face became plastered to every magazine cover in what Regina had called ‘compromising situations’.

 

Belle must have sensed his discomfort. She leaned over to him and placed her hand on his shoulder as she whispered in his ear.

 

“Shut them out of your head. Just focus on the children. It’ll help, I promise.”

 

There was such kindness and compassion in her face and Killian couldn’t help but wonder why Belle was even taking part in the competition. Just because he didn’t feel a spark didn’t mean that she wasn’t a catch.

 

She grabbed his left hand and, while he still felt a small tingle, it wasn’t the normal sharp stabbing pain that he usually got when someone touched it. 

 

* * *

 

Emma let herself sleep in for the first time in as long as she could remember. The events of the previous day had left her emotionally drained. Thinking she was going to lose Killian had forced her to admit that he meant something. It was too late to shut him out. Talking to Ruby had been another taxing experience, despite her approval.

 

Emma didn’t handle strong emotions well. That had been part of why her relationship with Walsh had lasting as long as it had. He hadn’t inspired heart-rushing, stomach-twisting, anxious excitement the way Killian did. Walsh was supposed to have been the safe guy that she could come home to after work. She had cared about him in a way should couldn’t explain. He had been the first guy she had let in after Neal. It hadn’t been true love but she had been comfortable with him, and she had thought that that would be enough.

 

After last night though, Emma was forced to admit that whatever she was feeling for Killian put her feelings for Walsh to shame. It was too early to be in love, basic logic told her that. But even so, it felt awfully close to love. She would have to shake that thought free from her mind, though. She had only _maybe_ been in love once before, and it had been an epic disaster. Comparing the two was treading dangerously close to dark territory.

 

“Hey, did you want to go to the RV and watch their date?” Ruby cringed as soon as the words were out of her mouth. “Or is that too weird?”

 

Emma thought about it. The idea of watching Killian with Belle wasn’t thrilling, but given Belle’s sweet demeanor, she doubted it would be anything like his date with Tink. Emma’s interactions with Belle, while brief, had been nothing short of calming. Belle was kind, intelligent, and wise beyond her years, even if she was a bit shy.

 

‘Um, ya. Just let me get dressed first. Is there anything still left of breakfast or is it all gone already?”

 

Emma made her way into the bathroom to change and brush her teeth and to pin up her hair. She had her own date with Killian later that evening and didn’t want to put in too much effort when she was just going to have to get ready again later. She left the door slightly cracked open so she could hear Ruby.

 

“I’m not sure. Everyone’s been a little crabby this morning and keeping to themselves, so I don’t think many people have made it down to the kitchen yet. Want me to go check for you?”

 

As much as Emma appreciated Ruby’s offer, she knew that she’d only receive a bran muffin or something as equally healthy and flavorless.

 

“Thanks but I’ll just swing by there on our way out, if you don’t mind.”

 

Emma finished getting ready and joined Ruby. It was eerily quiet in the mansion with only one or two people milling around. The girls passed Tamara on their way to the kitchen, her Captain Crunch box and milk bowl in tow. The only other person out and about was Ariel. Emma was more than happy to avoid her as she rummaged through the remaining breakfast offerings.

 

She grabbed a bear claw and wrapped it up in a napkin. Ruby gave her a pointed stare, obviously judging her affinity for sugary treats.

 

“What?” Emma shrugged. “It’s the easiest thing to take with me.”

 

Ruby shook her head in disapproval before pushing her back to the hallway, but Emma could see the amusement she was trying to hide.

 

“Come on. Killian and Belle should be there already.”

 

“Oh,” Emma mumbled with a mouthful of pastry, remembering an earlier thought. “I forgot! What would you say to having a little bit of fun at Will’s expense?”

 

Ruby gave Emma one of her famous wolfish grins. “What did you have in mind?”

 

“Revenge.”

 

On the walk to the RV, Emma filled Ruby in about Will’s reaction to Belle during the poolside date, and the way he’d mooned over her every time she’d been in the camera’s line of site. She also reminded her of the way Will had mercilessly teased her every chance he’d gotten.

 

It only took a full three seconds after they entered the RV for Ruby to pounce into action.

 

“Emma, you have to come see this. Look at how great Killian and Belle look together. Oh em gee. Could you even imagine how beautiful their babies would be?”

 

Emma forced herself to smile. She knew that Ruby meant nothing by it, but she wasn’t keen on imagining Killian having children with someone else - not that she was ready to imagine him having them with her yet either. Luckily she was saved by Robin, who seemed quick to catch on to the way Ruby kept looking back and forth between the screen and Will.

 

“You know, I think she may be right.”

 

Will groaned to himself quietly.

 

“Maybe the next time you guys go to visit him you should hint that he pick her.”

 

Emma watched as Will silently rolled his eyes. She couldn’t help but feel a bit lighter watching him squirm in his chair and she was just about to start weighing whether or not that made her a horrible person when something occurred to her. In that moment, it was just her and her team again. It wasn’t about keeping Killian alive, gathering evidence on the Tamara, or even researching who had hired her. For just that moment, they were four friends hanging out.

 

She had dedicated so much of herself to work, even during the worst of it, that she had forgotten what it was like to just have fun. For the first time since joining the FBI, Emma was admitting to herself that there was more to life then work. And a small part of her also realized that she wanted that ‘more’ to include Killian.

 

As if right on cue, Killian and Belle smiled at each other on the screen in front of Will. He mumbled something that sounded a lot like _wanker_ under his breathe. Ruby and Robin continued to poke fun at Will’s expense, but Emma was captivated by the footage flashing in front of her.

 

Ruby had had a point earlier; Killian and Belle looked right together. Killian seemed relaxed with Belle in a way he hadn’t been with anyone else, herself included. He didn’t look guarded.

 

His face lit up as they read to the children, and even though Emma was happy to see him engaged and finally enjoying himself, she felt a twinge of worry. Part of her wondered if she was too broken to ever be as light as Belle was. He deserved better.

 

Before she could dwell on it too long, she felt a hand clasping around hers. It was Ruby. Emma may have had what Ruby called a superpower when it came to detecting lies, but Ruby had her own superpower. She always seemed to know exactly what she was thinking and when she needed her most. Ruby gave her hand a light squeeze before releasing it.

 

Emma went to the other side of the RV to do more research, hoping it would distract her. There was something about the surveillance footage that she was missing. She could feel it in her gut. She managed to get through roughly an hour of pieced together video, coming no closer to solving whatever it was that she was missing, when Ruby called out to tell her that the date was ending.

 

“What the hell did ‘e do that for?” Will’s voice was nearly a yell.

 

“What happened?” Emma had an idea of what had upset him, and she wasn’t sure that she wanted to hear it out loud.

 

Emma closed all of the files she was looking at but remained seated. She didn’t want to watch Killian kiss Belle at the end of the date, which was generally expected from the viewing audience.

 

“The egit just sent her home,” Will growled.

 

“What?” Her voice came out a higher pitch than she had expected.

 

Emma stood up just in time to see Will flick the switch for the microphone on.

 

“Oi, what’s he think he’s doin’?”

 

“I think it’s fairly obvious.” Ava’s voice was a rushed whisper over the speakers.

 

“I get that. What I meant was why’s the wanker sending the lady home? I didn’t think he got a say.”

 

“Scarlet, if you were doing your job and listening in, you would know that I made the call.”

 

“Ruddy hell, lass. Have you lost yer mind?”

 

“Will!” Three voice rang out in unison.

 

“Agent Scarlett. You would do well to remember that my undercover assignment involves more than just watching girls traipse around like a voyeur. Some of us have to remain in character, and for me, that means making executive decisions the way a real producer would. The only chemistry they shared was that of friends, and that isn’t going to bring in ratings.”

 

Ava may have been small, but she was mighty, and her dressing down of Will had him completely shamed, if the blush filling his face with was any indication. Even after being properly chewed out and knowing he was in the wrong, Will’s pride prevented him from apologizing, much to the chagrin of everyone in the RV.

 

“It’s not all bad, mate,” Robin started as he squeezed Will’s shoulders.

 

“How so?”

 

“Look at it this way. Now she’s free and unattached. You know her interests and where she works. Maybe you should pop in after this and try to strike up a conversation when this is all over.”

 

Will crossed his arms and laid them on the console in front of him before dramatically throwing his head down and letting out an exasperated sigh.

 

“As creepy as that sounds, maybe it’s not the worst idea.” Ruby moved to lean on the console next to him.

 

Will lifted his head to look at her with bewilderment.

 

“I’m not saying that you should use all of our research and go in, guns blazing, with ill gotten knowledge. But _talk_ to her. Get to know her.”

 

Will rolled his eyes at her.

 

“Well how about this, then. If you’re not going to do anything about it, I will.”

 

“Ruby, don’t you dare talk to her about me.”

 

“You? I meant _me_ , you idiot.”

 

Emma watched as both Will and Robin perked up.

 

“What?” Ruby teased, taking in their aghast expressions, “She’s hot! And you forget, Scarlett; I live in that house. I’ve seen things that you could only imagine.” She raised her eyebrows and bit her lip, leaving Will’s mouth hanging open.

 

Robin looked equally as shocked.

 

“Come on, Swan. We need to get back and start getting you ready for your own date.”

 

Ruby didn’t wait for a response before tugging Emma out of the RV and back to the mansion. 

 

* * *

 

Children were exhausting. Even with Belle there to help him entertain them, he could feel his energy draining with each passing moment. The only thing that kept him even somewhat alert was knowing that soon he’d see Emma again.

 

The ride back with Belle had been slightly awkward. Neither one of them were disappointed with Mary Margaret’s decision, though; Killian felt it was better to let her go now, not wanting to give her false hope, and he sensed her heart hadn’t exactly been all in either.

 

“She really is lovely, you know.”

 

They were almost back to the mansion, where Belle would grab her bags and depart again.

 

“I’m sorry, what?”

 

He had been so caught up in his own thoughts that he wasn’t sure that he had heard her correctly.

 

“I know what the other girls say about her, but the truth it that she’s a lovely person. I hope she makes you happy.” Belle gave him a knowing smile.

 

Killian was at a loss for words, but he was fairly certain that the warmth he felt crawling up his neck and face were speaking volumes on his behalf.

 

The town car pulled up to the mansion and Killian got out first before offering a hand to Belle to help her out. The small film crew filed out after them and quickly headed back into the main house. Before she could disappear into the house too, Killian gave her one last hug.

 

“I hope you find someone who makes you happy.” He meant it.

 

They bid each other farewell, promising to keep in touch. Belle made her way in to collect her belongings and Killian started his walk back to the guesthouse, not wanting to wait for Mary Margaret to drive him back. He wanted some time to clear his head. The anticipation of going on a date with Emma had frazzled his nerves.

 

He had hoped to get a nap in before his date, but when he made it back to the guest house and found his style team waiting for him, all illusions of that were shattered. There was an array of suits hanging around the living room and his hair stylist, make-up artist, and clothing stylist were all arguing over which one would look best.

 

In the end, his stylist won out with a three piece navy suit, stating that it would bring out the blue in his eyes. After his clothing had been settled, hit hair stylist went to work giving him a messy, blown-out look while his make-up artist applied what felt like twenty layers of foundation, bronzer, and blush, giving him a new appreciation for everything women went through on a daily basis.

 

There was a small knock at the door, and everyone in the room turned just in time to watch Mary Margaret poke her head in.

 

“Are you ready?”

 

“I thought we had twenty more minutes!” The make-up artist’s shriek nearly blasted out his ear drum.

 

“Oh, um, sorry. We just want to leave early in case there’s traffic.”

 

The girl worked furiously, cursing quietly to herself as she set to work. When she was finished, Killian dressed as fast as he could and found Mary Margaret. They didn’t speak until they pulled up to the main house.

 

“I thought we were leaving. Where is everyone?”

 

“Oh, they’ll be along eventually. I know how hard all of this can be and I thought you might like it if there weren’t a bunch of cameras around when you and Emma saw each other.”

 

With that, she took her leave back into the mansion and Killian was left to wait. Five excruciatingly long minutes later, he heard the sounds of gravel crunching beneath someone’s feet.

 

He hadn’t been prepared for the sight before him as he turned to face her. She was a vision in a pale pink dress. Her hair had been tied back into a high ponytail, showcasing her long neck; the same neck he wanted to latch his mouth to. She seemed equally stunned. Her eyes were blown wide and her mouth opened and closed but she didn’t say anything.

 

“Emma. You look-” He couldn’t find a word that accurately described how beautiful she looked.

 

One corner of her mouth turned upwards.

 

“I know. You clean up pretty well yourself.”

 

As she spoke, each of them had unknowingly taken a few steps toward each other. He could feel the warmth of her breath fluttering across his cheeks. Both of them angled their heads slightly as they leaned in closer together, and he watched as her eyelids fluttered closed in anticipation.

 

Killian’s heart began to speed up and he felt like his chest might burst. It had been years since he had felt the exhilaration that came from something as simple as a kiss, and as he moved his lips ever so closer to hers, he wondered if he’d be able to hold himself together if something more were to happen.

 

They were close, [as close as any two people could be just before contact], which of course meant that that was the exact moment David decided to walk outside with the rest of the camera crew. Both Killian and Emma took a large step away from each other, and he immediately missed the warmth radiating from her body.

 

He had been a fool. Killian had worked up this perfect amazing idea in his head of what his date would be like with Emma, but David’s pointed stare was enough to remind him that none of this was real. He wasn’t going on an actual date, not a proper one at least. Mary Margaret gave him a sad smile as if to apologize for the interruption.

 

He was certain that most of their interactions would be scripted, and a part of him was terrified that David would try to get Emma sent home. There was a level of curiosity that had built up in the back of his mind, wondering what David could have possibly read that had made him so weary of Emma.

 

Just as Killian had predicted, David insisted that the filming of their greeting be as absolutely platonic as possible. For her part, Mary Margaret looked quite put out by the man, and if Emma noticed the tension, she didn’t show it. In fact, Emma seemed to make sure that the she and he brushed up against each other as much as possible.

 

The ride to the opening of the gallery exhibit had been even more awkward than his ride home with Belle earlier. David kept giving them evil side glances and made sure that any conversation had between them remain superficial.

 

When they arrived at the gallery, Killian stepped out first, helping Emma out as well with complete disregard for David’s instructions. The man was treading on dangerously thin ice as far as Killian was concerned. After the camera crew had disembarked from the town car, they all made their way into the brightly lit studio only to find it empty.

 

Mary Margaret explained to both of them that she had made a deal with the gallery owners to arrive an hour before the opening so that they could film a few things uninterrupted. She and the film crew went to the other side of the studio to start setting up the equipment, finally leaving him alone with Emma.

 

She took full advantage of the wall blocking everyone’s view, attacking his lips with hers, but she pulled back just as quickly, leaving Killian to chase after her retreating form. He managed to pull her into a hug though, and she buried her face into his shoulder.

 

“What do you say, love. Should we tell David to sod off?”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always feel free to come yell at me on tumblr: wellhellotragic


	20. 20

 

Emma Swan was still riding her high from her date with Killian almost a week earlier. They had made sure to see each other each night, stealing away for as many kisses as possible. Sometimes they danced as Killian put on music. Some of the music was from his band, some of it was just stuff that he had fancied, and though she might as well. He played one song for her on his guitar. He even went as far as attempting to teach her a few cords, but her efforts had been disastrous and had instead led to a marathon makeout session. Neither one of them seemed too concerned about the missed lesson though.

 

She enjoyed getting to see a different side of him. During their date, he had been himself in bits and pieces. They had snuck away for about thirty minutes before anyone had found them, and Killian had been nothing but a gentleman during that time. They had shared a drink at the pub down the street and talked about their favorite places to eat; Boston for Killian, New York for Emma.

 

He was a little bit of a nerd, she quickly found out, and she loved it. But the thing she had enjoyed most was how, despite all of the beautiful women sitting around them, he had never once paid attention to anyone but her. She had never experienced that before. Walsh had had wandering eyes, obviously, but Emma hadn’t cared, never thinking that any of the women would ever even give him a first glance, much less a second.

 

Neal, on the other hand, had not been as gracious. Neal had looked, but anytime Emma had tried to talk to him and tell him that it upset her, he had explained that looking wasn’t the same as touching. He was a guy, genetically engineered to watch other women and she need to be okay with that. It had hurt, more than she had wanted to admit to herself. 

 

Killian had been true to his word though, and Emma was forced to admit that Killian wasn’t like the other men she had been with. He genuinely cared about her. She could see it in his eyes, and slowly she could feel her walls crumbling.

 

Charming had been exasperated when he had finally located them. Emma had been adamantly ignoring the communication device in her ear throughout their drink orders, but when everyone starting yelling, she discreetly took the piece out completely. No one needed to hear what they were saying, and as long as they were together, she knew that he was safe. Everyone else be damned.

 

Ava had taken Killian’s arm and led him back to the art gallery, while Charming had stayed back to speak to Emma. Neither of them had done much by way of talking though. It was more like hushed, angry whispering. He had tried to chastise her for being irresponsible, and had tried once more the tell her that Killian had a dark past and that she needed to stay away from him.

 

It hadn’t taken long for Emma to retaliate, telling him what a petty suck up he was. She had assured him that whatever Killian had done in the past didn’t matter and had reminded him that it was called a ‘past’ for a reason. The last thing she had said to him before storming off was that if Graham had an issue with her, he needed to tell her himself instead of using Charming as his own personal attack dog, and that he needed to leave both her and Killian alone.

 

Short of performing his duties as camera operator, Charming hadn’t spoken another word to her the entire evening. Ava had done most of the directing, much to relief of both contestants. Ava had suggested that Killian really turn on the charm, citing that viewers preferred when he was over flirtatious with Emma. She had told Emma that she should trade barbs with him at first, and then slowly become more flirtation herself. During the breaks, while the crew had been resetting the cameras for different angles, they had just been themselves, Killian and Emma. But as soon as the camera had turned back on, they had both morphed into exaggerated versions of themselves. Both of them had kept as much of their personal lives out of the footage as possible, even making up stories about their past.

 

The art gallery itself had been awful. The artist had been advertised as an up and comer, and the exhibit had meant to highlight the plight of Mother Earth. Emma had just seen it as a garbage pile. One of the pieces had featured a toilet filled with dark chocolate candy bars. The artist had been in attendance by the time the exhibit had opened up for the other invited guest. He had tried to explain that it represented the manure that the government was feeding the American public about climate change. Another one of his pieces had featured a bathtub filled with hundreds of pieces of broken glass. Some had been blue and green to represent the ocean, while others had been white, red, and brown. That had claimed to represent the tons of trash that had been tossed into the bottom of the ocean.

 

Killian had nodded along and spoken with the artist at length, asking about his other works. Emma had felt overwhelmed by Killian’s knowledge of art, so she had told him that the exhibit had been eye opening and a wonderful arrangement. He had agreed with her, and Emma had left it as that. It hadn’t been until they had talked about it over dinner that Emma had finally broken, explaining that she couldn’t understand spending ten thousand dollars on some of the pieces when she could have easily recreated them herself with the contents of her own garbage can. She had quickly apologized to Killian, admitting that she felt silly and didn’t understand what made it art.

 

He had raised his eyebrows at her, and she had been sure that he had been judging her. She was aware that Killian had grown up much the same way as she had, poor and alone. But he had money now, and he had been exposed to things that she could never dream of. She had been sure that he had honestly loved the gallery, and that she had just made a complete fool of herself.

 

He hadn’t tried to argue with her though. Instead he had laughed, long and hard. By the time he had regained his breath, he had had tears in his eyes, finally explaining to her that he had thought the exact same thing, but she had seemed to enjoy it so he had played along to impress her. They both laughed that time, and the rest of dinner was spent in conversation about other things.

 

Without prompting, Emma and Killian had each cut their food in half and traded so that they each had had two entrees in front of them. After dinner, they had ordered one dessert to share. Ava had suggested that they do something a little more intimate to cap off the dinner, something to leave the viewers wanting more. Killian had run with Ava’s instructions, kissing Emma hard and nearly pulling her into his lap. Their lips had lingered, neither of them wanting to pull away, and it had only been when Ava had given a slight cough that they had finally remembered that they weren’t alone.

 

Charming had remained silent on the drive back to the mansion and Emma had been grateful for it. As annoying as she had found the passive aggressiveness directed toward herself, she had been appalled at the way he had been treating Killian.

 

When she and Killian had parted for the evening, he had leaned in and given her a kiss on the cheek, whispering in her ear for him to meet him on the ship after she had changed.

 

After that, meeting at night time had become a regular occurrence. She had found a large flashlight to take with her on the trail. She knew it well enough by now to walk it in her sleep, but there were occasionally tree roots that had grown across the trail that were easy to trip over in the dark.

 

She never stayed the night with him, despite his protests. She wasn’t ready for things to escalate further. As much as she had come to trust him, she lived in fear that the moment she took that step, everything would become real, too real, and eventually he would realize that he could do better. He’d leave her, and she wasn’t sure if she could handle that. She couldn’t care for him any more than she already did. She had already gotten closer than she should have.

 

In the week that had passed, Emma had felt herself becoming lighter each day. The tension of knowing Killian had to date other contestants had faded and now it felt no different than what she did, pretending to fall for slimy marks only for work. Killian had been the exception to her rule, not that he had been slimy. But she had chosen to trust him. If he hurt her now, that was on him, and she had told herself that as long as she kept him at an arm’s length, not taking that final step with him, she would keep her heart protected. She knew it was a lie, but she was the queen of denial. 

 

* * *

 

If it wasn’t awkward enough that he was being forced on a double date for the sake of ratings and viewer appreciation, knowing that his company for the day was Emma’s best friend and a woman that he had drunkenly made out with on multiple occasions was really the icing on the proverbial cake.

 

He had to admit to himself that it was peculiar that both times he had been alone with Tamara, his life had nearly been forfeited, but he shook it off as a strange coincidence. He refused to let his past define his future. She had been standoffish around him for the past two weeks, barely saying more than a few words in passing. He was actually grateful that she had slowed down her aggressive pursuit of him, and as much as he cringed at the idea of having to possibly kiss Ruby, he was still happy that she would be there to provide a buffer just in case.

 

The initial plan had been for the three of them to go to the park and rent some orbs. Killian had to ask Mary Margaret for clarification, not knowing what orbs were. When she had explained that they were life sized gerbil balls that people crawled inside of and used to bounce into each other, Killian had found himself intrigued if not a little bit excited. He had only wished that Emma could be there as well.

 

The night before the date was scheduled, an unexpected storm blew into the Boston harbor creating not only havoc for most of the city, but for the show as well. Mary Margaret was able to get them rebooked into a cooking class instead with a chef that Killian had actually heard of. In addition to his Boston restaurants, the chef had a restaurant in London that Killian had once eaten at with Milah. The thought of reexperiencing the man’s food left Killian with very little hunger, but he could push through if it meant getting back to Emma sooner.

 

He felt himself willing to try a lot of new things recently, and he wasn’t sure if it was because his life no longer centered around night time binge drinking, or if it was because he was trying to become a better person. Either way, it all tied back to Emma and he knew it. He wanted to impress her, to show her that he could be someone deserving of her. And that meant staying awake throughout the day, and becoming a more well rounded person.

 

Killian had initially assumed that it would just be an ordinary cooking class. They’d each have their own supply of pre-prepared ingredients. They’d mix everything together in a small culinary classroom and be on their way soon enough. He hadn’t prepared for the sight before him.

 

They were in an actual cooking studio, with multiple ovens lining one wall, and a huge island in the middle of the room. The lights were brighter than he could have imagined, and the heat in the room was already palpable without any of the cooking equipment having been turned on. There was a relief that came with seeing the audience bleachers empty. He wouldn’t be performing for hundreds of strangers, having to turn on the charm that he no longer felt within him.

 

David and his crew went to work setting up the camera equipment while Mary Margaret introduced him, Ruby, and Tamara to Chef Henry. Tamara was the first to hold out her hand to him in greeting.

 

“Chef Henry. It is such an honor to meet you. I’ve heard so many wonderful things and I’ve always wanted to try your food!” She was practical gushing, making Killian wonder if she was still even remotely interested in him or winning the competition.

 

“Hon-ree”

 

“I’m sorry?” Tamara was confused and her words may have come out more curt that she had meant for them to.

 

“My name. It’s pronounced Hon-ree,” he quickly corrected in a French accent.

 

When Ruby held her hand out next, she greeted him properly, and Killian could have sworn he saw a flash of lust in the young man’s eyes. Admittedly, the chef was much younger than Killian had expected him to be, especially considering that he had managed to not open up not one, but two restaurants on two completely separate continents. That usually took time and experience. Reputations had to be established and backers need to impressed enough to invest money. The fact that Chef Henry had managed such a feat at such a young age was impressive and only served to reiterate that they were in for a treat.

 

As the crew set up, the chef’s assistant brought out two more stations, both with the same pre-prepared ingredients, only varying slightly in the herbs and meat options. Once David had informed everyone that they were ready to start filming, the chef ushered each of them to a different station. David had tried to interject, saying that it would be more romantic and better for the show if they were all together working in close proximity, but the Chef overruled him, stating that cooking was a serious matter and should not be taken lightly for the sake of silly ratings.

 

“I’ve given a lot of consideration to today’s meal. I wasn’t sure what any of your cooking skill levels were and while I didn’t want to give you anything too difficult,” the chef started as he paced back and forth in front of them, “I do still have a reputation to uphold and this meal needs to reflect the time and effort that I’ve spent learning the culinary art form.”

 

Killian looked down trying to figure out what they would be cooking. He found uncooked pasta, three types of cheese, basil, raw chicken, and something that was either milk or heavy cream.

 

“Today, I will be teaching you how to make one of my signature dishes, gourmet macaroni and cheese.”

 

He paused and gave Tamara a pointed glare when she scoffed.

 

“Is there a problem?”

 

Killian watched as everyone in the room turned to watch the interaction. Chef Henry’s assistant, who Killian believed was named Violet tensed and took a step backwards.

 

“No, I just thought we’d be making something a little fancier. You _are_ a world renowned chef, after all.”

 

The chef looked at the ground for a moment, clasping both of his hands behind his back. While he may have been a young man still, it was clear that he was the type of person who expected respect from each of his staff members and didn’t take well to being questioned.

 

“I’m going to assume that your arrogance stems from a life devoid of culture. I assure you that I would let nothing less than perfection leave my kitchen, and the meals you prepare here tonight will be no exception. Please do not mistake what I create with a vile blue box found in every grocery market.”

 

Killian watched as the Chef closed in on Tamara, noting Ruby’s amusement out of the corner of his eye.

 

“Now, if there are no more distractions to be had, I’ll continue. My dish has been crafted to include a minimum of three cheeses. If you look at the different work stations, you’ll find that the ingredients before you are similar, but with some variations. As you each cook your own dish, you’ll be able to compare the finished products to learn how different flavors play off of each other.”

 

None of them said anything in return, too worried about incurring the young chef’s wrath. Instead they followed his instructions, bringing a pot of water to boil, and using the exact amount of salt and olive oil as instructed. The sauce came next, and Killian noticed how the chef was spending more and more time at Ruby’s station each time he passed by them. She giggled and flirted slightly, batted her eyelashes at him. When the chef turned to check on Tamara’s progress, Ruby caught Killian’s eyes and winked at him, earning her a laugh.

 

The three of them finished their dishes without speaking, and their versions of the dinner were taken from them before they could try any of them. Violet brought out a large table and went to work placing a nice table cloth over it and setting out formal glasses and silverware for four. When she was finished, she helped the chef bring over four large bowls, each containing a portion from the different dishes. It was easy to pick out which one he had made as the green stood apart from the yellow and white portions.

 

Killian held out a chair to Tamara, which she took gratefully, before moving to the other side of the table and doing the same for Ruby. He knew it would likely upset the young chef, but he managed to snag the seat next to Ruby while the chef had gone to retrieve a bottle of wine for them all. The chef shot him a look but said nothing as he took his seat next to Tamara.

 

They took turns trying each of the dishes, each of them listing the ingredients used in their versions. After the initial bite, Chef Henry talked about why he had chosen each of the accompanying ingredients, and how even the smallest of changes could change the entire dish, as evidenced by both Ruby and Tamara’s efforts. The only difference between the two was the change from yellow cheddar to white cheddar. The meal was nothing short of amazing, and despite the company, Killian enjoyed himself.

 

When the first bottle of wine ran out, the chef asked Ruby to help him pick out a new bottle, and while it was only for an instant and he was certain that none else had picked up on it, Ruby had hesitated. The woman who was always so sure of herself had paused, and for some reason it irked Killian. He felt like something was slightly off but he couldn’t place it.

 

With Ruby heading into another room, Tamara finally seized the opportunity to speak to Killian.

 

“Despite our host’s horrible manners, this has been nice.”

 

Killian nearly choked on his bite at how obtuse she had been.

 

“I’m sorry, what was that?” Surely he had misunderstood her.

 

“He’s a prick, and I think all of the acclaim has gone to his head. You know how it can be for people who become famous at a young age. They aren’t emotionally mature and they throw temper tantrums when they don’t get their way. But the rest of it, the part where we got to cook together and spend time together, that’s been fun.”

 

Killian debated responding to her or not. He wanted to remind her that he had achieved a certain level of fame during his youth, and while her assumptions may not have been entirely incorrect in regards to himself, he didn’t believe that to be true for the chef. He was highly skilled, and Killian knew that he had probably been forced to fight tooth and nail for a chance to prove himself.

 

“Anyway,” she continued, “you’ve been so busy and I was starting to feel left out. They have you going on all of these dates with the other women, and I was upset that we hadn’t been able to spend any time together. Then I found out that we were getting our own date, finally, but of course with my luck, I’d have to share you.”

 

How Tamara had made it this far in the competition eluded Killian, but he felt certain that after her slip up with the chef, Mary Margaret would appear next to him at any moment and tell him that he was allowed to dismiss her. Mary Margaret didn’t appear though, and he was forced to continue interacting with her, pretending to be interested in her for the sake of the show. The last thing he wanted was for filming to get delayed again and for David to chastise him for being difficult, so he pushed through.

 

When Ruby and the Chef reappeared, Ruby’s face was flushed. This was something Killian had never witnessed before, and he wondered if she was actually interested in him, despite the age gap. The chef had to have been in his twenties at least, but he looked like he could still pass as a teenager. The four of them continued their meal and wine. As the afternoon wore on and the plates slowly emptied, the chef once again asked Ruby if she would mind helping him carry the dishes back so his assistant could wash them. Killian noticed the hesitation again, but luckily Mary Margaret spoke up that time.

 

“Actually, chef, if you don’t mind, perhaps Tamara could help you?”

 

Mary Margaret remained cheerful as ever, even when the chef gave her a look of exasperation.

 

“It’s just that during these double dates, we try to give each other contestants some alone time with the bachelor, and he’s already had time with Tamara, so now it’s time for Ruby to be alone with him.”

 

The chef didn’t say anything in return, but thrust two empty bowls in Tamara’s hands and stormed away with two other empty bowls.

 

“Are you okay, Lass?”

 

Ruby’s face had become red again and she avoided eye contact, choosing to fiddle with her napkin instead.

 

“Ya, he’s just…” She paused trying to think of the best way to phrase it. “He’s just intense, and I didn’t want to hurt his feelings, but he’s so young and it was just awkward.”

 

“Ah, and here I was thinking he was going to succeed in stealing you away from me.”

 

She laughed, visibly relaxing next to him.

 

“I doubt that would ever happen. And I doubt that you’d have any issues with it.”

 

Killian tilted his head to the side, taken off guard. He knew that girls talked, especially best friends, but there was part of him that had still expected Ruby to flirt with him, or at the very least deny that the competition was over before it had begun. Her quick resignation surprised him

 

“Killian, it’s obvious who you want to win this competition, and I’m under no illusions that your mind could be changed, not that it should.”

 

“So then, if I may, why are you still here?”

 

“I stayed for her. I’ve told you already, but she’s had a really hard past, and she’s been hurt in a way that I thought she would never recover from. But when she’s around you, she’s lighter, and if I leave, I’m scared she’ll run. She’s so afraid that everything will fall apart that she keeps her distance, so when it does crumble, she won’t get hurt by the wreckage.”

 

“I see.”

 

Emma had said as much to him once herself. She had mentioned that she had kept Walsh at arm’s length, that she was only ever half in the relationship. He felt his stomach drop at the thought that she might being doing the same with him, always keeping one foot out the door ready to leave.

 

They heard voices approaching, signaling the return of Chef Henry and Tamara.

 

“She loves you, you know.” Her words were a rushed whisper and he furrowed his brows trying to determine if he had heard her correctly. A theme for the evening apparently. “She doesn’t realize it yet, but she does. Trust me.”

 

The others had returned before he could question her more on the subject. The remainder of the date dragged on before finally ending with Mary Margaret handing him two long stem roses, implying that both women would be staying through the next round. 

 

* * *

 

Emma considered making her way to the RV to watch the date with Robin and Will, but eventually decided against it. They were all hands on deck for this one, given that all of the agents had decided it would be best not to leave Killian alone on a date with Tamara. The camera crew remained as vigilant as possible, but they couldn’t be everywhere, and as they wanted to ensure that Killian would live through the date, Ava had suggested that Ruby accompany them as well. It wasn’t unheard of for the bachelor to take two contestants on the same date, so there shouldn’t have been any suspicions raised. Besides, Killian and Ruby hadn’t had much screen time together yet. This would not only ensure his safety, but would provide a cover for why Ruby was continually receiving roses when Killian had hardly spoken to her.

 

Emma had faith in both Killian and Ruby, and although neither of them would do anything to betray her - she hoped - she couldn’t stand the idea of seeing them do romantic things together. Not to mention the fact that she was fairly positive that at some point in the day Tamara would find a way to cram her tongue down his throat. She couldn’t watch that, real or not.

 

Instead, she went for a jog to clear her mind. Killian had snuck up on her. She had never meant to develop feelings, and as much as she adamantly denied how deep those feelings ran, she knew that she couldn’t ignore that they existed, so she didn’t. And that was the problem. Everything was starting to interfere with her job. She hated looking through the files they had on him from the past few years. She hated going through dossiers of the many women he had slept with, or had been photographed going home with.

 

She knew he had a past, but it was hard to reconcile that knowledge in her brain without feeling a knot in the pit of her stomach. She was jealous, plain and simple. She tried turning her attention to Tamara and the mystery man that had been photographed with her multiple times, but each lead was a dead end. They were no closer to tracking down the source of Tamara’s bank deposits, and they couldn’t pinpoint a place or time in which she would have met with someone to accept the contract on Killian.

 

Her instincts to protect him were in hyperdrive, and she was constantly having to censor herself around him. There were nights when they would lay on the deck of his ship looking out at the stars, where he would explain the mythology behind the constellations. He would tell her about how Liam had told him the very same stories, and how much Liam would have loved to go sailing on the Jolly. He told her everything, well everything except for the story of the woman he had intended to marry. He had never brought the subject up again, and she didn’t push.

 

He talked about everything else though, and she wanted nothing more than to be as equally honest with him. She gave him as much as she possibly could, telling him about the Swans, about the foster homes and group homes that she had grown up in. She told him about nights out with Ruby, and about the disaster her relationship with Walsh had been. Once she had almost slipped up and told him about Neal, but she had caught herself. How could she explain Neal without telling him about her job at the the bureau? How could she talk about him at all?

 

Neal had left a deep wound that had never healed, a wound that still haunted her, and a wound that was now creating a wedge between her and Killian, even if Killian didn’t realize it. She wanted him to know her. Each night when she left him, she spent hours tossing and turning in bed with guilt and frustration. He deserved to know the truth, and it killed her that she couldn’t give with guilt and frustration. He deserved to know the truth, and it killed her that she couldn’t give him that. She was building everything on a bed of lies, a house of cards that could crumble to the ground at any minute.

 

How would Killian react when he found out that she had invented so much of herself? The truth would have to come out at some point. Even if they made it through the entire investigation without Killian discovering who she was, the truth wouldn’t stay hidden forever. Will and Robin were his best friends, and she was certain that even if by some miracle they didn’t eventually tell him, the chances of one of them accidentally making a mistake were too high. If they were able to charge Tamara, both of them would need to testify in court, and there would be no hiding it then.

 

There would be no going back after that. There would be no explaining the situation. He would never believe her feelings to be true when so little else was. She needed to tell him herself. She needed to have faith that it wouldn’t all fall apart. And _that_ was the real problem. Emma didn’t know how to have faith.

 

As her run came to an end, Emma had nearly talked herself into telling Killian everything. It would be better if he heard it from her, and she hoped that he would see her honesty as a token of some sort, as her extending her trust to him. She’d wait until he was back from his date, catching him as he returned to the docks. As much as being on his ship relaxed them both, she needed to have an easy exit strategy if everything went to hell.

 

She anticipated that he’d be angry, and she knew that it was a risk for both herself and the safety and trust of her team members, but it was time. She should have told him the first time they had kissed, or after they had danced to his song. She should have told him after each of the attempts on his life.

 

She would tell him.

 

As she entered the mansion, her mind set firm. No turning back. She snuck back in through the side door and contemplated heading straight to her room for a much needed shower, but as her stomach growled she decided that food was a more immediate need. The mansion was oddly quiet for it being the middle of the afternoon. Most of the girls had opted to either stay in their rooms with the knowledge that Killian was going to busy for the rest of the day, or they had made their way into the theater room on the other side of the house.

 

When she approached the kitchen she was startled to see someone rummaging around in the fridge, especially since the someone had a decidedly male figure. Her immediate thought was that it was Will trying to sneak out some food while everyone was distracted, but the figure was more stocky than Will was. She cleared her throat, alerting the man to her presence.

 

When he stood up straight then and closed the door to the fridge, she didn’t notice the uniform worn by the catering company that supplied all of the cabinets and left them fresh meals in the morning. She didn’t notice the way he stood up straighter when he realized who she was. The only thing she noticed were those damn brown eyes. The same brown eyes that had ruined her life.

 

“Hey Ems.”

 

She wanted to run, to scream, to punch him. She wanted to do everything and nothing, but she stood frozen to her spot instead.

 

“Long time no see.”

 

His voice was oddly calm and nonchalant, as if he _hadn_ ’t taken everything from her when he had left.

 

“Neal.”

 

“You look good.”

 

She was enveloped in a cloud of fury. So many scenarios had played out in her mind over the years since she had last seen him, so many ways she had envisioned the conversation going if she ever had the chance to confront him. But in none of those scenarios did she see herself breaking in half while he stood in front of her with zero remorse.

 

“Don’t.”

 

He had started walking towards her with his arm out like he was going to touch her, and the thought of his skin against hers made her insides flip.

 

“Em, please don’t be like this.”

 

It only made her more angry, but with that anger came a flurry of other emotions and she felt helpless against them. Flashes of that day filtered through her head. Images of waking up alone in bed, the open laptop, the room full of guns pointed at her. She could feel the cuts left in her wrist from the overly aggressive agent who had placed the handcuffs on her. Everything.

 

“Why are you here, Neal?” She said it through gritted teeth.

 

“I should ask you the same thing.”

 

She felt a single tear trying to escape.

 

“This isn’t a tit for tat. Why are you here?”

 

He let out an audible sigh before giving Emma a look of pity.

 

“I’m on the straight and narrow now. I actually own the company that caters for the show and someone called in sick. I never expected to run into the great Emma Swan here though. Trying to catch yourself another dirtbag?”

 

She laughed, slightly hysterically, at his accusatory tone.

 

“You mean someone like you?”

 

“Ems, come on now. That was years ago and I’ve changed.”

 

He tried to take another step towards her, causing her to jump back away from him.

 

“Seriously, though. Why are you here? Because I couldn’t imagine you’d ever be desperate enough for something like this.”

 

He gave Emma emotional whiplash. How could he ignore everything that had happened? How could he try to speak to her like they were still friends?

 

“You left, Neal. You disappeared in the middle of the night, relinquishing any rights you may have had to information on my life.”

 

“So it _is_ for work then. What did this guy do? Slap around a few hookers or something?” He laughed at himself.

 

“Are you being serious right now? Neal, you left and you ruined my career. Don’t you get that? I lost everything!”

 

To his credit, he nodded slightly, looking ashamed for the first time.

 

“Emma, I had my reasons, and I don’t expect you to understand. But I’m not that same guy anymore, and if this isn’t a work thing, then you should run. This guy,” he paused, “he’s trouble and you deserve so much better.”

 

The irony of Neal Cassidy trying to tell her she deserved better.

 

“What I deserved was someone better than you.”

 

He sighed again.

 

“Look, I’ve heard things from before. Things that he did in England, and I trust that it’s all true. And believe me, Emma, you don’t want anything to do with him.”

 

The hysterical laughter bubbled up again.

 

“Believe _you_   Really? How could I ever trust anything you say again?”

 

He took a step forwards again, but this time Emma held her ground, not wanting to lose another inch to him. He came to stand just in front of her, and she could smell the same cologne on him that he had worn years earlier and she was transported back in time. Nights curled around each other and lunch dates at Granny’s. All day texting marathons while she was on stakeouts. She was overwhelmed by it all, the confusion of emotions flowing through her, and when his hand came up to caress her cheek, she was helpless against the tears that fell.

 

“I promise you. Everything I did was to protect you. I know you don’t see it, and I can’t explain. Not if I want to continue to keep you safe. I didn’t have a choice, and if I had it all over to do again, I’d do everything the same, because you’re still here. You’re still alive, and despite the hell I’ve gone through without you, the pain was worth it.”

 

He stepped back and lifted the empty containers that were sitting on the counter top. Emma was still frozen in place, still able to feel the warmth of his hand against her cheek. She said nothing to him in return. It wasn’t until he was standing in the threshold that led back to the exit that he spoke again.

 

“I’m serious, Ems. This guy, he’s bad news. Ask him about his last girlfriend. Ask him about the woman that he killed.”

 

And with that Neal left and Emma sunk to the floor, unable to gain control of herself. 

 

* * *

 

When he found her, she was standing on the deck of his ship, looking out over the ocean. There was a warmth that built in his chest at how at ease she appeared, as if she belonged there. She was the only person he had ever allowed on his ship, save for the workers who had helped him replace the rotting deck.

 

Emma’s hair was glowing in the setting sun, and for a moment he stood back to watch her relax with the ocean in the background, thinking about how easy it would be for this to become the new ‘normal’. He wanted to have regular weekend outings with her when the show was over. He wanted to take her on week long trips whenever they felt like it. He wanted to spend their days touring small towns along the coast line, while spending most of their evenings curled around each other in the captain’s quarters.

 

It wasn’t until he heard a sniffle that he realized that her shoulders weren’t slumped in relaxation, but in defeat.

 

“Emma, love, what is it?”

 

She didn’t turn around, nor did she say anything in return. He moved closer to her, placing his hands on her shoulders, giving them a light squeeze before stepping beside her so that the could see her face. Her eyes were red with tears and her face was blotchy. She had clearly been crying for a while, and he felt everything inside of him sink.

 

“Emma,” he started softly, “you can tell me anything. You know that, right?”

 

She turned her head to him only for a second before returning her gaze to the water in front of her. It was long enough though for him to see the heartbreak in Emma’s eyes. His body tensed on its own, preparing for the worst. He thought that she had genuinely been happy with him, but perhaps he had misread everything.

 

“Does it count if it was all a lie?”

 

Despite the open book that Emma usually was to him, she was leaving him completely confounded.

 

“I’m sorry, love, but I don’t understand what you mean. Have I don’t something to upset you?”

 

He was terrified that his double date had upset her. He knew that Ruby had heard the directions David had given him, and that she should know that he had only kissed Tamara because of those orders. Ruby was Emma’s best friend and if she had gotten to Emma before him surely she would have told her roommate that detail. That is, unless the girls had had a falling out of some sort, but that seemed unlikely.

 

“You asked me if I had ever been in love.”

 

There was a long pause before she said anything else, long enough for a million possible interpretations to rush through his mind. A selfish part of him hoped that she was building up the courage to tell him that she was in love with him, but judging by the fresh tears falling down her cheeks, the conversation wasn’t going to end well for him.

 

“His name was Neal, and I, - at the time - I thought it was love. He told me so many things, and I fell for all of it. I thought that he cared about me, and I gave him my heart. But I was stupid, and he wasn’t who he said he was. I found out too late that he was using me, and in the end, I lost everything.”

 

She took that moment to turn to him. There was a storm raging behind her emerald eyes. He could see a vast array of emotions passing across them; hurt, betrayal, rage, and even longing.

 

“For years I told myself that it didn’t count. Everything he had ever said to me - everything he had told me about himself - was made up. It wasn’t real, so I couldn’t have really loved him. But then I saw him earlier today. I guess he owns the catering company the show uses. He looked _exactly_ the same, like time had stood still for the past few years, and I felt it all again.”

 

He continued to brace himself for what he was certain was coming. This man - this vile human being that had treated her so poorly - was back in her life, and his heart ached with the anticipation of what she should say next. What small amount of hope he had left was beginning to crumble with the realization, not of what she had asked him, but why she had asked it.

 

She wanted him back. Even after all of the hurt and pain, seeing him had reignited something deep within her, and she was trying to figure out a way to tell him, to explain it to him. Killian had never had luck when it came to love. Milah had left him, why wouldn’t Emma too?

 

He couldn’t fault her, not really. Until a few weeks ago, he probably would have eagerly begged Milah for a second chance if there had been even the most remote possibility of being with her again. There was something about a first love, something unique and indescribable. But now, with whatever he and Emma had begun building, he wasn’t sure he wanted to go back to how things were before he had met her. Milah had been his first everything, but what he had with Emma was real in a way that his relationship with Milah never had been, There was a raw honesty between them, a level of maturity that came from love lost. What he had with Emma was genuine, unlike so much of what he had with Milah, and suddenly he understood her better.

 

“So if everything was a lie, does it still count? Was I in love?”

 

Killian held out his hand to Emma, hoping that she’d take it, despite her conflicted feelings. She avoided eye contact with him, but slid her hand into his and he relished in what would surely be one of, if not _the_ , last time he would feel her skin against his. As he guided her over to the staircase that led to the helm, he stroked his thumb back and forth over her knuckles. He gestured towards the bottom step with his free hand, and Emma sat down, leaving enough space for him to sit beside her.

 

“Her name was Milah.”

 

Milah’s name fell heavily from his tongue. He hadn’t spoken it out loud since before he came to Boston. Regina was the only one there who knew of her, and after bottling up everything about her, speaking of their relationship was both harder and easier than he had expected it to be.

 

“This may be hard to believe,” he felt his hand moving to scratch that damn spot behind his ear again, “But I used to be quite shy, especially around women. I think up until I was twenty four, I had only kissed three girls, maybe four, but nothing had gone further.”

 

He felt his face flush with embarrassment. The persona he and Regina had carefully crafted throughout his career had been that of a debonair ladies man. He hadn’t been anything like he was now, but he had given off the impression that he was a great lover of woman, and that he had bedded just enough of them to have a reputation without earning a _reputation_. Those were they things that had been published in magazine interviews and articles. Very few people knew the truth.

 

“I was twenty four when I met Milah, and it was love at first sight.” He watched Emma’s body tense as she looked away. Quickly correcting himself, he continued. “Young, naive love. She was the media liaison for the band, a bit older, but she was beautiful, and I thought that she hung the moon and stars. The night I proposed to her was the night that I found out that she was already married. I was hurt and confused, obviously, but I was too far gone with her to care. I know now that I should have walked away the minute I learned about it, but at the time, I was so blinded by my feelings for her that I thought if I just stuck with it, that if I kept fighting for her, that she’d leave him for me.”

 

Emma finally made eye contact with him. He had expected to see pity in her eyes, the same pity Regina had expressed when he told her that Milah was married to the head of the record label and had lied to him for the previous two years. Regina’s pity had been short lived though when he had explained that he wasn’t walking away, and that he was going to show Milah that he was the one she should pick. There wasn’t pity in Emma’s eyes though. When he saw reflecting back at him was closer to hurt.

 

He should have known how difficult it would be for her to hear that detail. Even if she had told him that her relationship with Walsh hadn’t been love, the man had hurt her. Killian had done the exact same thing that Walsh had, and he hated himself for it. He hated knowing that Emma probably found him disgusting now.

 

He kept going, hoping to get out as much as he could before she ran away and he never heard from her again.

 

“At first, she told me that he was awful to her. She said he was dismissive and emotionally abusive and controlling. For a year, I stayed by her side, determined to make her happy in a way that her husband never had. I held on to the ring, carrying it with me, waiting for the perfect opportunity to try again. But then I saw them at a party for the label, and the way she clung to his side and hung on every word he said, and the way she reveled at the attention people were giving her and her husband, I knew it had all been a lie.”

 

He had released Emma’s hand when they first sat down, but now her hand had found its way back into his and she gave it a light squeeze. He wanted to take it a gesture that meant she understood, but after everything, he refused to get his hopes up again. There was no doubt that if she walked away now it would kill him, but it would destroy him if he first let himself believe that she might still stay.

 

“We fought nonstop for about a month after that. During the last fight I shouted at her and told her I couldn’t keep going with her as her dirty little secret anymore. I needed more, I need to be able to acknowledge our relationship, but she refused again. I even went so far as to propose again, saying that I wasn’t going anywhere and that she should have faith in us the way I did. We were on tour at a public venue at the time, so when our yelling escalated we decided to pause our fight long enough to relocate back the the band tour bus.

 

As soon as we onto the bus, it only got worse. She told me that I was being childish and that I had become more trouble than I was worth. Milah said that the relationship had become too much work and we weren’t fun anymore. After three years she was leaving me. I pleaded with her, but her mind was made up.” He paused for a second, his stomach in knots. “Everything after that became a bit of a blur.”

 

He took a deep breath, not wanting to relive the next part.

 

“I watched her turn to leave, but just before she reached the door, a crazy fan jumped out of the bathroom and charged her. The girl had a knife, and I- I tried to fight her off. I managed to incapacitate her, but not before I was stabbed too.”

 

Killian paused, looking at his left hand. Emma followed his gaze, noticing the scarring as she traced it with her fingers. Regina had found him the best surgeon that money could buy, and after multiple surgeries, he had regained most of the function with only minimal scarring.

 

“It still aches from time to time, and it keeps me from playing more than a song or two at a time.”

 

“And Milah?”

 

It was the first time she had spoken since they had sat down.

 

“The wound was too deep. I called for help, but she died in my arms before the medics could arrive. They tried the stalker and she was found guilty. I missed the trial while I was in recovery, but Regina told me that the girl had a history of mental problems and that she would be spending her sentence in a mental lockdown facility.”

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

Her eyes had filled with tears and Killian wasn’t sure if they were because he had inadvertently hurt her with his adultery, or because she felt sympathy for him.

 

“I spent the next six months having my hand operated on and attending physical therapy. I thought that if I could just get back to work with the band, if I could establish some sort of normal, that maybe I’d be able to mend myself. That if I could just start writing music again I could work out the pain that had consumed me. But it took too long, and the band had replaced me. I started drinking nonstop. My days were filled with pain and self loathing, and everywhere I looked things reminded me of her. I drank more and more. Regina tried to help, she kept the story out of the media, and no one learned why I was no longer part of the band. They assumed that I had just let the fame go to my head, and I didn’t correct them. Everything finally got to be too much, so one night I packed some bags, hopped on a red eye and showed up unannounced on an old mate’s doorstep.”

 

Emma still didn’t say anything, but she hadn’t left, and against his better judgement, Killian took it as a good sign.

 

“Even thousands of miles away, I couldn’t get her out of my mind, and I continued drinking. I drank so much that I usually blacked out. And then came the women. I was so angry at her for leaving me, for dying on me, so I slept with every woman that looked at me. It helped, creating a distraction each night, but every morning was filled with regret and self loathing, which only led to more drinking.”

 

Killian turned on the step so that he was facing Emma.

 

“You asked me if it was real, if it counted despite the lies. The truth is, I don’t know, but I’d like to think that it did. That it does. Maybe it wasn’t real for Milah, and maybe it wasn’t real for Neal, but I think it was real for us. If not, then we wasted to much of ourselves on them.”

 

Emma used her free hand to wipe away a tear before pulling her other hand from his grasp. She stood and took three steps away. He knew this was goodbye. He was certain of it. Just like Milah, Emma was going to decide he wasn’t worth the trouble.

 

He waited in silence, and it was excruciating. As much as he wanted to hold on to her for as long as possible, it was killing him waiting for her to just say it. She finally turned to face him.

 

“For years after Neal, I closed myself off. I decided that it wasn’t worth it to let people in, to open my heart up to them when they always left, when I was always the one left hurting. My birth parents left me, my first adoptive family left me. Eventually so did the Swans, in their own way. Neal, even Walsh didn’t want me. I kept everything in, and I was so determined to hate you because I _knew_ , from the moment I met you, I knew that you would hurt me. I could feel it in my bones.”

 

This was it.

 

“But then you wormed your way in somehow, and now… Killian, I need to to know if this is real, if you really want this. Because if we keep going and you change your mind, I’m not sure I’d survive it.”

 

The air rushed out of him. She wanted him. Even with tears streaming down her face, she was beautiful, and the only one he wanted to spend his life with.

 

He stood up and made it to her in one long stride. Without saying a word, he placed his left hand around her waist and pulled her tight against his chest, letting his right hand tangle in her hair as he kissed her with everything he had. He poured every emotion he felt into that kiss, and they didn’t pull apart until he was struggling to breathe. He let his forehead rest against hers, and he closed his eyes.

 

“Emma Fowler. I want this, I want you more than I’ve ever wanted anything in my life. I’m in love with you and I’m not going anywhere. I promise.”

 

She gave him a small unsure smile.

 

“Prove it.”

 

She stepped away from him and moved towards the hatch that led below deck. Relief flooded through him knowing that she was still there. He had let her see the worst of him and she hadn’t run away. She hadn’t pushed him away, and now she was heading towards the captain’s quarters.

 

He followed close, bumping into her more than once on the way to his room, and he heard her giggle each time his body came into contact with her. Once they crossed the threshold she turned on him and he lips fused to his. He responded in kind, continuing to guide her further into the room. Her fingers began to work at the buttons on his shirt, taking her time with each button, teasing him.

 

He growled into her mouth. The anticipation was killing him and he couldn’t wait much longer. He found the hem of her sweater and pulled up hard. They broken apart just long enough for him to slide the garment over her head, and then their mouths found each other again. She finally managed to free him of his button up and he hurriedly pulled off his undershirt, tired of waiting for her to do it.

 

She laughed at him for being so eager, and coming from anyone else his ego might have suffered, but from Emma the sound was a melody. He lifted her up by the waist and hoisted her on to the bed. She attempted to sit up, but he placed a hand on her abdomen to keep her on her back, licking his lips and giving her his most seductive glare.

 

“So impatient for me. Wait for it darling. It’ll be worth it, I promise it.”

 

She moaned, clearly as ready as he was, but he wanted to savor it. He hoped that this was only the beginning, that they would have a lifetime of moments just like this, but he knew they would only have one first time together, and he wanted it to be special. He wanted her to feel the amount of love he had for her.

 

He took his time disrobing both of them, kissing every inch of skin he could as he went. He told her she was beautiful over and over, hoping that if he said it enough, she might actually start to believe it. Because she was - she was a bloody marvel - and too many people had tried to convince her otherwise.

 

They both gasped when they finally came together. It was slow at first, as they learned what the other enjoyed. Killian didn’t want to _fuck_ Emma, he wanted to make _love_ to her. So he did, over and over again until exhaustion overtook them both.

 

The last thing he said to her that night as they drifted to sleep was that he loved her. Although she hadn’t said it back, he hoped that Ruby was right, and that she loved him too.

 

Ruby’s words from earlier repeated through his head.

 

_“She loves you, you know. She doesn’t realize it yet, but she does. Trust me.”_

 

Perhaps _she_ hadn’t realized that she was in love yet, but he knew that he was.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always feel free to come yell at me on tumblr: wellhellotragic


	21. 21

 

The cabin was filled with the scent of saltwater, and it left a slightly sticky residue on his skin. It wasn’t unwelcome though; there was something comforting about waking up to the smell Liam had brought back with him every time he had leave to come into the city. Even all of the grime gathered from the train ride from port into London couldn’t dull it.

 

He hadn’t smelled it in years. From time to time, he would get a hint of it as he stood on the deck of his ship, but it was always fleeting, ghosting. This was the first time it had lingered long enough for him to name it since Liam’s seaside burial, and before his eyelids fluttered open, he was overcome with the intense feeling of being home.

 

It wasn’t home though; he didn’t have one of those anymore. Instead, he had a penthouse in the middle of the city, buildings filling the view from his windows for as far as the eye could see. His existence was hollow there, as he hid away in seclusion from anything of meaning.

 

But now he was there, on his ship, with _that_ scent for the first time in years. An unfamiliar sense of belonging began to settle over him and he was certain that it had to do with the golden haired goddess laying on top of him. She was still asleep. Small puffs of air were hitting his chest as her body rose and fell with each breath. There was a calmness to her face, an innocence that he had never seen before on her.

 

“I can feel you watching me.”

 

He chuckled and felt her finally beginning to stir.

 

“Sorry, love, but can you blame me. It’s so very rare that you aren’t yelling at me.” 

 

He gave her a wink and she tried to bite down a smile but failed miserably.

 

“Well in my defense, you didn’t seem to mind my yelling last night.”

 

“Oh, but, love,” he started as he gathered her in his arms and quickly flipped them other so that he was on top. “That. Wasn’t. Yelling.”

 

Each word was punctuated with a kiss trailing further and further down her stomach. He felt her skin tremble under the weight of his lips each time he pressed them down. Just before he reached the point where he could go no lower he looked back up to her face to see her normally green eyes filled with dark desire.

 

“ _That_ was you screaming my name. Should I give you a reminder?”

 

He didn’t wait for an answer before diving in, eliciting earth shattering moans from her before she clenched and he worked her down from her high.

 

“Oh, _that_ . I remember it now.” She giggled breathlessly as he made his way back to her lips. “Being here in your captain’s quarters makes me feel like I was just plundered by a pirate.”

 

This - her laugh, her warmth - was heaven.

 

“So would that make me Captain Hook?”

 

Her confusion was evident until he brought his hand up between them, curling his finger into a hook as he glanced down towards the treasure he had just discovered.

 

“Oh my God!”

 

Her face flushed, and he relished in it.

 

“You screamed His name last night too.”

 

She bit down on her bottom lip and he had to hold back a groan remembering how those same teeth had bit his lip the night before.

 

Suddenly her eyes widened and she looked around the cabin.

 

“What time is it?”

 

“Judging by the high sun I’d say late morning. Probably around ten or eleven.”

 

He nearly fell off the cot when she shot up from underneath him.

 

“Crap!”

 

“Emma?”

 

Her breathing had picked up significantly and her eyes showed panic.

 

“Love?”

 

“Killian! It’s late, like they-probably-have-a-search-party-out-looking-for-us late.”

 

He hadn’t even considered it. He had been so enraptured in Emma and their carnal delights that he had neglected to consider that they weren’t really alone. Mary Margaret usually showed up around nine to go over the events for the day, and while he could tell her he had gone for a jog, he wasn’t sure that she would believe that his jog had lasted two full hours. Then there was Emma. He didn’t doubt that Ruby would attempt to cover for her, but the other girls didn’t seem like they would be quite as eager to help her.

 

He rose from the bed to join her in dressing. Their clothes were scattered through the room, and by the time he had located Emma’s underwear she had already pulled on her jeans, so he stuffed them in her pocket as she struggled with her sweater.

 

Even after forcing her to stop running down the trail, Emma was still speed walking through the woods, and he was having to jog to keep up. When the reached the edge of the woods where the trailhead met a clearing, and the mansion came back into view, she finally seemed to relax. The gardens were empty of people so no one would see either of them or their ‘walk of shame’, as Will would have coined it.

 

He knew that she was about to break away from him to head back into the main house, so before she could he grabbed her wrist and turned her around so that her chest was flush against his.

 

“What?” Her eyes were searching his.

 

His response came in the form of a searing kiss.

 

“I just need something to last me until the next time.”

 

The way she beamed back at him was everything, and he was just starting to lean back in for more when he heard muffled shouting. Emma had clearly heard it too, there was no way she missed it, but for some reason she chose to ignore it and leaned in to kiss him instead.

 

“Did you hear that?”

 

He tried to pull away, but her grip on him was like a vice.

 

“Just ignore it.”

 

Her attempts at distracting him continued, but the shouting became louder. As gently as he could, he pulled her arms away from him, instead interlacing his fingers with her as he pulled her in the direction of the shouting. As they approached the crew RV the voices became slightly more clear. He had noticed the RV before, but had never actually witnessed anyone using it, and his curiosity was peaked.

 

“Killian, stop.”

 

He ignored her, choosing to focus on a specific voice. A very familiar voice. Will Scarlett.

 

Killian’s brow creased in confusion. “What the bloody hell is he doing here?”

 

He looked back to Emma, but she wouldn’t make eye contact. Just then he heard another voice that he knew all too well. Robin. He shifted his gaze between the RV and Emma before moving closer to the door. He felt her tug on his hand, stopping him from moving.

 

“Please, Killian.”

 

Her eyes, now trained on him, were imploring as her voice cracked. It was the same way Milah had begged him not to push her just before he had found out about her husband. It was the pleading sound of worry and guilt.

 

“Please. _Please_ , don’t do this.”

 

Among the mess of confusion barreling through him, anger rose to the surface and he wrenched his hand from her grasp, using that same hand to yank the RV door open.

 

The air rushed out of him.

 

Everyone he knew in Boston was crammed into the trailer; Robin, Will, Regina, Mary Margaret, David, Ruby, and even Graham. He opened his mouth to say something, but he was so stunned that nothing came out.

 

It was Graham who spoke first.

 

“What is he doing here? I thought you said he was occupied.”

 

“I thought he was.” Mary Margaret had never seemed like the type to cower but she was visibly worried by Graham’s shouting.

 

“Well, clearly he isn’t. And how nice of you to finally join us _Agent_ Swan.”

 

There was a menacing look in his eyes as he fumed at someone standing behind him. Killian turned to see that Emma was now standing directly behind him.

 

“Agent Swan?”

 

He waited for an explanation. There had to be something, a reason that everything was crumbling around him, but all he got was a tear-stained apology. The bile rose in his throat and his body finally betrayed him as he threw up into the grass to his side.

 

_“What the hell is going on here?”_

 

* * *

 

_“What the hell is going on here?”_

 

Just before he pulled the door open, she saw pain and confusion flash across his face and she knew that she had hurt him beyond belief, if even he didn’t know what was happening yet. Now they were standing back in the conference room at the FBI office looking through mountains of paperwork, and those were the last words he had said to her. Fury; that’s all she saw now when he looked at her.

 

And she deserved it. There was nothing she could say to him that would lessen the pain she had caused. Just the night before he had told her of Milah’s betrayal, keeping her marriage a secret from him for years, and how much it had destroyed him. That’s when she should have told him. She had wanted to, but she had been too scared that he would leave her, so she had buried it down until she could find a way to explain it. She had waited too long though, and it was too late.

 

Robin and Will had tried to talk to him back at the mansion, but he was too angry and had shut everyone out. Ava had suggested to Emma that she try, but before she had been able to take more than two steps in his direction, he had backed away giving her a warning glance. His walls were up, and they were meant to keep her out more than anyone. It killed her. Regina had been the one to suggest moving the conversation to the Boston field office, reasoning that it would be easier just to show him what it was they were working on.

 

The ride to the office was tense. They had had to take three cars, and as Killian refused to be in the same one as her, she was riding with Ruby and Graham. None of them spoke but Emma kept catching Graham sneaking glances at her in the rear-view mirror. His jaw was tense the whole way there, and his eyes were shooting daggers at her.

 

Once they were in the conference room, they all took turns grabbing boxes from the file room while Killian stood by the window looking out over Boston. Her heart ached at not being able to comfort him or to even touch him. His words fluttered through her head again.

 

_I love you._

 

She had been on the verge of saying it back to him as they had laid together the night before, but she had been too scared for that too, so again she had pushed it down. She couldn’t love him; it was too soon, and they barely knew each other. But as she watched him falling apart, and she felt her heart breaking in her chest, she thought ‘love’ seemed like it might be the right word. She’d never know now though.

 

They spent hours pouring through all of the files they had collected, looking at Tamara’s background and asking Killian to fill in gaps in his life. He assured them that he had no idea who was after him, and she almost cowered when he locked eyes with hers.

 

“But then again, maybe I’m not as good at reading people as I thought I was.”

 

She deserved that too. Regina tried to take the brunt of his anger, but he was dishing witty snarky remarks at everyone who spoke. So Emma stayed quiet, not wanting to hear whatever awful things he had to say about her. In the end, they were no closer to finding whoever had ordered the hit, and it was only with great reluctance and Regina’s reminders about the legal contract he had signed that Killian begrudgingly agreed to continue with the show. But he had one demand: he wouldn’t stay if _she_ did. Everyone relented, not wanting to push the broken and furious man any further that they already had, and it was agreed that Emma would be out at the next rose ceremony. He was lost to her, and everything inside her felt like it was breaking.

 

She needed to be alone, away from all of the prying eyes and the continuing arguing, so she left and went back into the hallway. Fortunately the hallways on their floor were deserted; it was the weekend and the office only had minimal staff working. She wasn’t sure how long she stayed out there, trying to regain her composure and will the tears away. However long it was, it wasn’t long enough, because when Killian eventually came barreling through the conference doors, her world shattered once more.

 

He didn’t even bother to look at her as he started towards the elevator.

 

“Killian,” she managed in a broken tone. “Please let me explain.”

 

He stopped, and for just a second she let herself hope that he would hear her out. If she could get past his armor for even a moment, just long enough to make him understand that it hadn’t all been a lie, then perhaps there was some part of their relationship that could still be salvaged. But when he turned back to her, there was a rage she had never seen before. His normally bright blue eyes were dark with anger, his entire body taut. This was the Killian from the tabloid covers, the one that started drunk brawls, but his wrath was magnified by the fresh hurt.

 

Hope was a four letter word.

 

“Explain what? That you _used_ me?”

 

“No, it’s not like that.”

 

He stepped towards her and she blanched.

 

“So, _Swan_.” His demeanor shifted and his words were eerily calm now. It was terrifying. “Do you sleep with all of your marks, or was I just an exception? Were you just trying to make sure that you still had my attention when there were so many other women around? Did it make you as sick as it makes me?”

 

She had to choke back a sob at that.

 

“It’s-”

 

The rest of the words caught in her mouth. He was standing right in front of her now, close enough that she could feel his breath on her face.

 

“So tell me, _Swan_ , does it count?”

 

“What?”

 

He sneered.

 

“You asked me if it counted, when the whole thing was a lie. When the person you thought meant everything was really just manipulating you. So you tell me, now that you’re on the other side. Does it count?”

 

He didn’t wait for her to respond before turning back for the elevators. She had been so stunned that she hadn’t even noticed that Graham had joined them in the hallway.

 

“Jones, wait. Will and Robin will give you a ride back.”

 

Killian stepped into the elevator alone.

 

“I’ll find my own way back.”

 

The doors closed and he was gone.

 

“You slept with him?”

 

She snapped her head back to see Graham watching her with a mixture of pain and fury.

 

“Does it matter?”

 

She knew that it did. It was a fireable offense, not to mention the fact that it could have compromised the entire mission. She hadn’t cared last night though.

 

“You’re off this case.”

 

“ _What?_ ”

 

“You heard me. You are off this case and you’re not to go anywhere near him. You don’t even look in his general direction!”

 

“You can’t do that! I’m still useful. I can do research.”

 

He looked pissed. That was the only way to describe it.

 

“Are you arguing with the direct order from your superior agent?”

 

“You’re kidding me, right? This isn’t about my screwing up the case. This is about you being jealous and you’re trying to punish me for choosing him over you!”

 

They were arguing loudly and she was fairly certain that everyone on the floor could hear them.

 

“Your services are no longer needed here. I want you back in New York by tomorrow!”

 

He had the power to send her back, but she never thought he would actually do it. This wasn’t the same sweet gentle Graham she has spent months planning the mission with. The man in front of her was a deranged jealous man, and he was going to let it put Killian in danger. In fact, she was certain that Killian’s safety was the furthest thing from his mind at that point.

 

“You can’t do this.”

 

“You have two choices. Either pack up and get on the next flight back to New York, or turn in your badge.”

 

The firm set of his jaw proved that he had no intention of backing down.

 

“My badge is in my locker. Ruby can grab it for you.”

 

“I’ll get both of ours.” Again, she hadn’t noticed anyone join them in the hallway. Ruby was standing behind her, arms tightly crossed against her chest as she returned Graham’s glare.

 

“Ruby, you can’t do that.”

 

“I’m not going to let you do this alone, Emma. We’re a team.”

 

“No! God, this is just like Chicago all over again.”

 

Emma hoped that Ruby would understand, that she would remember their first mission. She and Ruby had still been getting to know each other and their abilities back then. They hadn’t been able to communicate with looks yet so they had set code words. ‘Chicago’ meant that one of them was to go in deep and get word to the other as soon as they could.

 

Ruby nodded almost imperceptibly. Confident that her friend had her back, Emma stormed off to the locker room where her wallet and cell phone were still waiting for her, along with her own personal handgun. She grabbed her badge out of the locker too, giving it one more glance. It had once been everything she had ever wanted, and now she was choosing to walk away from it. For him. As her fingertips grazed the cool metal, taking in the weight of it one last time, that word floated through her head again.

 

 _Love_.

 

She tossed the badge back into the locker and left the building, waiting until she was out the front door to scroll through her contacts. His name popped up and she hit dial.

 

“Ems?”

 

“I need your help. Where are you?”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always feel free to come yell at me on tumblr: wellhellotragic


	22. 22

 

Three weeks had passed since his world had fallen apart. Three weeks had passed since he had held her, tasted her lips, shared his body with her. Three weeks had passed since her betrayal and the hurt lingered on, festering within his very soul.

 

He should have known it was too good to be true. Killian Jones wasn’t the type of man to get lucky and find love. If anything, he was more likely to be smited by God for all of his sins. To make matters worse, all of his emotions were jumbled, vibrating under his skin and he wished nothing more than to claw them out. To be numb.

 

He’d spent the last few weeks trying to sort through everything, but every time he was left with even more confusion, and he wasn’t sure if he was more upset for how foolish he felt, thinking he had meant anything to her, or if it was the heartache that followed losing the woman he’d never really even had.

 

Everyone had tried talking to him about it. Robin had really gone to bat for Emma, but Killian wouldn’t have any of it. Will’s approach had been to simply tell him that he was being a child. And then of course there was Ruby, who hadn’t said anything with words, but whose looks said everything. The problem though, was that he wasn’t ready to hear any of it. Emma wasn’t the only one who had lied to him. She wasn’t the only one who had betrayed him. 

 

It had been a group effort between his two best friends, his manager, a handful of other agents, and the woman he was now resolutely trying to forget.

 

There were a lot of questions from the remaining girls in the house about Emma’s departure. They had seen Ruby box up Emma’s stuff, watched it being carried outside to a waiting car, but there were no signs of the woman in question. Eventually the rumor mill had become too much, and Graham had decided to get ahead of the situation. A house meeting had been called and Mary Margaret - no, _Ava_ , he remembered - had explained to everyone that Emma had broken a house rule and had slept with one of the production crew members and had been asked to leave the house. Given her icy attitude against Killian in public, it was an easy idea to sell.

 

The lie had had to be believable so that Tamara wouldn’t suspect anything, and also so that no one would be suspicious of Ruby’s presence still in the house. It had already been decided on by the time he returned to the mansion after walking away from everyone. He’d found himself at a bar, because that’s what he did when life went to shit. He drank.

 

One, two, three tumblers of rum later he sat perched at the bar next to a very attentive brunette. It would have been easy to take her back to his place, or even to find a seedy little motel down the block. The buzz flowing through his blood was almost enough to make him do it, but as he threw some money down to pay for their drinks, and walked her outside, something stopped him. His heart wasn’t in it. It was battered and bruised, but it still worked.

 

And that was the problem, he supposed; for has much of a beating it had taken, it still craved for something. For her. So he walked the girl outside and closed the door behind her as she slid into the cab with a confused look on his face. He gave her a small apologetic smile and hailed down his own taxi, heading back to the house.

 

They’d been waiting for him, and as soon as he stepped foot back onto the gravel driveway, Ava was pulling him to the RV that had been their basecamp from the beginning. Regina had been there too, trying to explain her reasoning behind the secrecy. She had told him that she was worried that he’d drink himself into a stupor, or that he’d get himself killed somehow. She’d begged Robin to help her out and he’d agreed, wanting to keep his friend safe. She’d tried to take all of the blame, and while he knew she was largely at fault, he knew there was more than enough of it to spread around.

 

Slowly, more things started to come together in his mind. Graham - a normally laid back man - had been enraged that Emma had slept with him. At first, he’d believed that it had been just because she’d taken the assignment too far, but then his brain had focused in on a single memory of Graham kissing a blonde woman outside of the Rusty Anchor. Graham had been kissing Emma, and it all made sense. They’d been together, and once again Killian had been fool enough to fall for a taken woman.

 

He wondered what baggage the new blonde came with. Did Elsa have a hidden lover tucked away somewhere too? The date with her had been normal at least. There was lack of any definite spark, but she wasn’t a law enforcement agent as far as he could tell, and she wasn’t a homicidal maniac so she already had a leg up on the other remaining women.

 

Not that there was really much contest. After the rose ceremony the day before, only three women remained, and only one of them was an option. Ruby was only there to protect him from Tamara, who was still under investigation.

 

Six months. That how long he had promised to date Elsa for the sake of his contract with the show, then at the end of those six months, they’d break up and he’d fade into obscurity. At the time, any relationship he had with Regina, both personal and profession would end. He’d already made his peace with it, just as he had that Robin and Will were now nothing more that agents assigned to him.

 

He just had to make it through the next week without getting murdered, and then he could focus on surviving the next six months. Of course, that’s why he had picked Elsa. She seemed like the most normal of them all, and the one he had the most in common with. He wasn’t so much of a fool to admit that she was pretty as well, even if the color of her eyes seemed dull by comparison to those of another blonde.

 

There were a few times that he’d turn his head to talk to her, and find himself caught off guard when she wasn’t Emma. It had made this evening’s outing more tense for him. They had grabbed a quick bite to eat in the park as the crew filmed them. The conversation had steered mostly to her life. He’d already given enough of himself away, a mistake that he wouldn’t make twice. She’d grown up in a small town in Norway, but when her parents had passed away she had gone to live with an aunt in Toronto. It was her aunt that had encouraged her to take up music as a way to deal with her grief. She had asked him why he’d left the band and he had given her the most vague answer he could think of in an attempt to evade the question. Aside from Regina, Emma had been the only one he’d told about Milah and the stab wound that had ruined his career.

 

A fat load of good that had done him. If Regina hadn’t said anything to Graham’s team, he was nearly certain that Emma had. In all likelihood, his entire life story was scribbled away in the margins of some report somewhere, just waiting for the next agent to dissect and pick apart as part of the investigation. Even when his heart tried to tell him that she’d never betray him in that way, his brain reminded him that she already had. His life had been reduced to a file for anyone to read, and soon the rest of the world would figure it out.

 

The producers of the show had arranged for him and his new date to attend a rehearsal for the Boston Symphony Orchestra. Occasionally the orchestra put on a themed concert, and currently they were running through sheet music for the Star Wars soundtrack. It had been nice to just sit and listen to music, something he hadn’t done in awhile. That night with Emma on his ship didn’t count anymore.

 

Ava had told them both that a surprise had been arranged for them near the end of the rehearsal, but she hadn’t explained what it was, and as he was still rightly upset with her as well, he hadn’t asked, not wanting to extend his time in her presence.

 

The last song dwindled down and the conductor turned around to make an announcement to the room, which was only filled with a handful of people.

 

“Ladies and gentlemen, I’ve been informed that we have a bit of a prodigy in our midsts.”

 

Killian grimaced, not wanting any extra attention focused on him. It had been for not though, as the conductor named the date sitting next to him. She adamantly refused though, and after some cheering by the small crowd gathered in the hall, she agreed only on the condition that Killian joined her.

 

He couldn’t though. Hand injury aside, there was an emotional barricade that prevented him. His hand cramped and a searing pain ghosted through his palm as all of the eyes in the room diverted their gazes from Elsa to him. It was too much, and he felt like he was being suffocated. He looked around the room, scanning all of the faces watching him. It was too much.

 

Without an explanation, he bolted from the hall, past the foyer, and onto the street. The cooling air that came on the cusp of autumn turning to winter bombarded his exposed skin as the double doors wrenched open in his wake, and he was glad for it. It steadied him somehow.

 

Ava came outside, followed by Elsa and the rest of the camera crew.

 

“So help me God if you don’t turn that thing off-”

 

Charming held his hands out in surrender, nodding to the other crew members. Something had shifted between the two men since the revelation, and whether it was fear or guilt, Charming had decided to give Killian a wide berth.

 

“Killian, what’s wrong?”

 

He found himself chortling at the question, at the obviousness of the answer. He wanted to yell and shout and read her the riot act, but Regina’s warning about the contract he’d signed kept reminding him to keep his mouth shut and to play along.

 

“Nothing, I just needed some air.”

 

It was Elsa that tried speaking next, in her small voice.

 

“Killian, you look pale. Are you okay? What can I do?”

 

Her hands came to rest on his shoulders, and it took everything he had not to shrug her away. Even if the camera wasn’t rolling, Elsa had no idea what was happening behind the scenes.

 

 _Walls up_.

 

If there had been one honest thing about Emma Swan, it was that hiding behind her walls had kept her from getting hurt, and it could do the same for him. He just needed to remember who he had been before all of this. He needed to revive the womanizing jerk persona that he’d adopted in the wake of losing Milah. Besides, what had being the shy, respectful Killian Jones ever gotten him besides heartache?

 

 _Nothing_.

 

He plastered a smirk on his face and raised one eyebrow, letting his gaze slide over her figure.

 

“Oh, don’t you worry about me, lass. I just thought the faster we finished our _date_ , ” he started, making sure to punctuate the last syllable, “the faster we could get back home and have some alone time.”

 

He let his teeth dig into his bottom lip and watched as her cheeks flushed.

 

“Killian!” Ava admonished, but he chose to ignore her.

 

“So, love.” It was the first time he’d used the endearment since Emma left, and it made him feel slightly dirty. “What do you say? Want to go back to my place?”

 

“Knock it off, Jones.”

 

He turned to find Ava giving him a death glare.

 

“I’m just giving everyone what they wanted.”

 

His head cocked to the side and his tongue flicked across his bottom lip wetting it, but Ava’s facial expression remained unchanged.

 

“That’s enough. Elsa, could you be so kind as to join David inside for your date interview?”

 

Elsa glanced back and forth between them, obviously picking up on the tension between the two of them. Eventually she made her way inside, and once she was sure that Elsa was far enough away, she pounced.

 

“What the hell is your problem?”

 

“You’re sounding a bet repetitive there. You sure it isn’t you who has an issue, perhaps something memory related?”

 

He saw something shift, her face soften, and something close to pity seeped through.

 

“It’s not too late, you know.”

 

He barked out a laugh.

 

“I believe that’s where you and I have a difference of opinion.”

 

“Why? Because she didn’t tell you who she was? She couldn’t, Killian.”

 

“You think that’s the big issue? That my ego couldn’t handle it? This wasn’t a small omission. She lied to me over and over. She used me as a pawn. There is no me and Emma, never has been. So yes, it’s too late, eons beyond too late!”

 

His words were filled with so much contempt for the world and he was certain that spit was flying from his mouth with each sentence.

 

“It’s not like that-”

 

“This conversation is over.”

 

Her face fell, and he could tell she was fighting the urge to continue, but instead she dropped the subject. She nodded to him. Elsa and the film crew returned just as the town car pulled up outside the theater. The drive back was silent and the air was thick with ire from both he and the pixie. She was Emma’s friend; of course she’d defend Emma until the bitter end, no matter what she had done.

 

The car pulled up in front of the mansion, dropping Elsa off first. Killian exited before her and held out his hand to help the blonde exit the car. He kept his grip on her and placed a kiss on her knuckles, soliciting another round of blush from her.

 

He watched Elsa make her way through the front door before hearing Ava yell at him to get back in the car. He did as ordered, but made no apologies for his behavior that evening. The car stopped once again just outside of the property on the main road, where Will was waiting on a black SUV.

 

“Come on sunshine, we’ve got some stuff to show you.”

 

Killian had already washed himself of their friendship, but Will had refused to let him push him away, constantly brushing off his snarky comments and acting as nothing had happened. Will had been a right arse about it as well, telling Killian that when all was said and done he needed to pull his head out of his ass.

 

It only added fuel to his fury, as everyone tried to make light of the situation, to minimize his feelings about what had been done to him.

 

The trip to the FBI headquarters had been no different.

 

“So have you heard from her at all?”

 

“Will,” Killian warned.

 

“I’m serious. She was good fer ya.”

 

“Why the bloody hell would she contact me? When we parted there was nothing left to say. She’s probably off on another assignment anyway, showing another one of her marks the same special attention she showed me.”

 

He felt sick. The idea of her letting another man do things to her was horrible, but so was the idea that their night of lovemaking had been all an act on her part. A damn good act if the sounds he thought he had elicited from her were any indication.

 

“What are you talking about, you wanker? She’s not on any assignments.”

 

“Ah, so she’s out fucking your boss then.”

 

Will slammed on the breaks, nearly causing another car to slam into them.

 

“What are you on about?”

 

“Really? You think me so much of a fool as not to put two and two together? I saw her that night outside the bar, with his tongue down her throat. I’ll admit, it took me an embarrassing long time to fit the pieces together, but don’t you worry, I got there.”

 

“You blarmy git.”

 

Will had started the car back up, but spent more time watching Killian than the road.

 

“They were never together. Graham may have wished it, but she’s only ever had eyes for you.”

 

“The jig is up. There’s no need to keep up this charade.”

 

“For Christ’s sake, Killian. She quit the bureau. Did ya know that? Graham told her to go back to the New York office but she refused and turned in her badge instead.”

 

Killian understood what Will had implied, but he refused to allow himself to believe it, to be suckered into hoping again. She just wanted to be there, to take the credit when they made an arrest. She just wanted to boost her career.

 

“She left and no one has heard from her since, so I thought maybe she’d reached out to you. Listen to me, Jones. You may not believe in her, but for some reason known only to her and God, she believes in you, and she’s going to get herself killed trying to save you.”

 

Will parked in his assigned spot as he threw the shifter into park. He didn’t even wait for Killian to get out of the car before he started stomping off towards the building. Killian followed, allowing himself to lag behind a few paces. He was still angry with Will, but he never heard the man be so forceful before, never heard him filled with such conviction, and for the first time he felt a slight pang of guilt.

 

Once they were in the office, Will set a few files in front of him to review, to see if anything jumped out at him, but they had been at it for weeks now, squirreling away in the night hours while everyone else was asleep. Ruby joined them about an hour later, having waited until Elsa and Tamara were asleep.

 

Will left after Ruby claimed a stack of folders and spot at the table for herself. He was tired, and clearly annoyed by Killian’s mere existence at that point. It wasn’t until twenty minutes later when Killian caught Ruby watching him instead of the paperwork in front of her that either of them spoke.

 

“What?” he sneered.

 

“Nothing. I’m just trying to decided if you’re really as stupid as you look.”

 

“Excuse me?”

 

“She loves you. You know that right?”

 

This conversation topic was becoming a broken record.

 

“And you just tossed her aside. Didn’t even give her a chance to explain.”

 

“I’m fairly certain that walking in on all of you conspiring against me was self explanatory enough.”

 

He sat back in his chair and let his head fall back, exhausted from constantly having to defend his right to be angry.

 

“We talk. You get that right?” She started. “And it killed her having to keep the truth from you.”

 

Why was everyone so dead set on painting Emma as the victim in all of this?

 

“Stop. There’s a difference between keeping the truth and telling blatant lies. Lies like her working for a health magazine, or that she was adopted.”

 

“Okay, the job was one thing, but as far as the other part goes, she was. By the Swans when she was a teenager. Where do you think her real name comes from?

 

“And the part about her father being murdered?”

 

Ruby’s mouth fell open.

 

“Also true.”

 

“Fine then, but there’s no way the part about Neal was true. How long did you two spend concocting that story?”

 

Ruby was silent. Her mouth opened and closed a few times. He had her.

 

“She told you about him?”

 

Killian rolled his eyes at her attempt to cover for Emma.

 

Ruby stood and left the room and Killian knew he had won. He’d finally vindicated himself. It wasn’t until Ruby returned with a small stack of papers and tossed them in front of him that he saw the pain in her face.

 

“Read it.”

 

He rolled his eyes again, but picked up the small stack. It was Emma’s file, dating back to when she first started at the bureau. He didn’t want to know anything about her, he’d already learned enough, but after scanning the first page, he found himself enthralled in spite of himself.

 

There were a lot of redactions in the file, but he caught the highlights. She’d graduated top of class and received the highest level of praises and commendations, but suddenly something had happened. From what he gathered, she’d received a demotion, and her superiors had been less than enthused about her continued presence on their teams, despite her high case closure rate. The file ended with her recent resignation.

 

“And what is it that you expect me to take away from all of this?

 

“What did she tell you about Neal?”

 

His brain yelled at him to stop, not to let himself be fooled once again, but his heart spoke first.

 

“That he broke her heart, that he used her.”

 

Ruby nodded and sat back down across from him.

 

“That’s putting it lightly. He destroyed her. Neal was the worst thing that ever happened to Emma, and considering her childhood, that’s saying something. You read the file. I’m sure you saw her review records from the beginning of her career?”

 

He nodded, unable to form words just yet.

 

“And I’m sure you noticed how everything fell to crap pretty quickly after that?”

 

He nodded again.

 

“That was Neal. The thing you have to understand first is that Emma was very guarded, and very naive in many ways. The Swans were the first people to take Emma in and make her feel loved, but it was a parental love, not the type of love that comes in and knocks your world off of its axis.”

 

He had an idea of what she meant by that.

 

“So when Neal came into her life, he was the first man to ever make declarations of love. She’d been so focused on her career that she didn’t even give him the time of day at first, but he badgered her and wore her down. He was her first real boyfriend, her first love, her first everything. Things moved so quickly and before I could talk her out of it, he’d moved into her apartment.”

 

Ruby shook her head at the memory and he saw tears forming in the corner of her eyes.

 

“There was something off about him, I had a gut feeling, but she wouldn’ have any of it. Neal and I didn’t get along, and eventually Emma stopped talking to me, choosing him instead. She was head over heels in love with him, blinded by it, and so willing to look past all of the warning signs. He became her whole world, and he promised her everything. But it was all a lie. His father was being investigated on fraud charges for one of his American based companies, and Neal had inserted himself into Emma’s life, knowing that she and I were the lead investigators on it.”

 

She shifted and a single tear fell.

 

“One day she woke up and he was gone. All of his stuff had been removed from the apartment. No note, no explanation. He’d just vanished into the night. She’d kept a brave face, hoping that it was just a misunderstanding, but when she got to work that day and walked into her office, our supervisor was already in there waiting for her. And in a flash, ten agents descended on her, yelling at her to get down, training their guns on her. People yelled at her and called her names as they very publicly escorted her from the building. People who had been her friends, her colleagues. These were people whose lives she had saved and they just turned on her.”

 

Ruby went silent for a moment, and Killian could see her reliving everything.

 

“They locked her up in a federal prison, charged with treason. As it turns out, Neal had used her ID to log into her government account, and had purged a bunch of sensitive documents that were necessary for the case. Most of the people were certain that it was her, because obviously her password had been used to log in. Some believed that she’d just helped him, but _everyone_ was certain that she was guilty.”

 

“Do you know what happens to law enforcement officers in prison? God, the first time I saw her I wanted to die. I don’t know how she survived that first beating, and they refused to move her or keep her in isolation. It was their own little brand of punishment before the investigation had even begun. I tried to bail her out, but they denied it. For two months she sat there, beaten and broken, and those were just the physical wounds. The rest she kept hidden inside. For two months she was the most despised person in our office and no one wanted to help her.”

 

Killian felt his stomach lunge. Vision of a battered Emma rushed through his mind. He wasn’t certain what to think. He’d been lied to so much in the last two months, he wasn’t sure if anything that Ruby had told him had been the truth, but his gut told him that she had no reason to lie, no reason to make up such an elaborate story.

 

“It took those two months for me to clear her name, and even then, people refused to believe in her exoneration. They tried to force her out, but she was tough, and refused. Instead, they transferred her, and she was stuck undercover playing the part of prostitutes. Another little brand of justice. It’s been years and people still consider her a pariah. And even worse, Neal’s still out there somewhere, walking around as a free man.”

 

He opened his mouth, willing anything to come out, but Ruby beat him to it.

 

“And before you start, she only played the part of a prostitute, she never actually did anything with any of them. You were different. She was engaged before all of this. Did she tell you?”

 

He nodded, again unable to speak.

 

“She wasn’t really into him though. He cheated on her and that was the end of that. He was just supposed to be a safe option though, but she never really felt anything for him. Not like she did for you. When it ended she was more upset as the embarrassment of being cheated on, than losing the guy she was supposed to spend forever with.

 

“You know, I was surprised. She’d put up these walls, and I never thought she’d let anyone in again, but then you happened and everything changed. Just the fact that she told you about Neal speaks to how much you mean to her.”

 

“How so?”

 

Ruby chuckled a little.

 

“She doesn’t talk about him. At all. In fact the last time I brought him up she didn’t speak to me for months. I told you, there are two topics off limit when it comes to Emma. One of them is August, but the other is Neal.”

 

Every emotion that the human body was capable of feeling swirled through him, overwhelming him, confusing him. He’d been so ready to remove her from his life before, and now, now he didn’t know what to think.

 

He thought back to those first few conversations with her. It was part of what had drawn him to her, the kindred feeling they shared. She’d known pain, and the longer he thought it over, the more likely Ruby’s story seemed.

 

“And whatever became of Neal?”

 

“Who knows. For all of the hours we’ve put in searching, he’s still a ghost.”

 

This man who caused Emma an immeasurable amount of pain, was just wondering around the city, as if nothing had happened, as if he hadn’t torn her life apart. The same way she’d ruined him. He was still furious, but he felt the bitter cold wrapped around his heart starting to melt. Despite how angry he was with her, she deserved better. He told himself that it was because she was a human though, not because he was still in love with her.

 

He considered his options. He could keep his mouth shut, let fate take of things in it’s own way. Or he could intercede and give Emma some of the justice that she deserved. His mind and heart were at war, so instead he said the first thing that popped into his mind, letting his heart win for once.

 

“Would it help you to know that Emma told me that she saw him the night before she left. That she told me that Neal works for the catering company on the show?”

 

He wasn’t sure why, but as Ruby’s eyes widened, he felt relaxed for the first time in three weeks. Like something was finally going to go right.

 

“Just thought maybe you could use your own brand of justice.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always feel free to come yell at me on tumblr: wellhellotragic


	23. 23

 

**Present:**

 

Three weeks. Probably the worst three weeks of her life, and _that_ was saying something. Between Walsh’s adultery, Leo Swan’s murder, and Neal’s betrayal Emma had had her fair share of crap dumped in her lap. But for the first time, this was a crap of her own making - metaphorically speaking of course.

 

She was running on no sleep and way more coffee than the human body should be able to ever handle, chasing down one dead end lead after another. Frustration was coursing through her veins, only tempered by the guilt she felt and the knowledge that she had single-handedly fucked up the best thing that had ever happened to her.

 

She should have told him. She’d wanted to, planned to even. But then he was there, and they had shared their horrible pasts, raw from the emotion and in that moment, she had just needed him. She needed to feel like she was worth a damn, and when he whispered to her that he loved her, she should have told him – about everything – but everything felt perfect and she didn’t want to ruin it, so she pretended to sleep. Then they woke up late, and they needed to get back to the house. She thought she had more time, that she could tell him later that night.

 

God, why had she been such a coward? He hated her, and that was probably too light of a description. They way his eyes burned into her soul, the way his jaw clenched, the pure fury as he shouted at her.

 

She shook her head. Now wasn’t the time to let herself dwell on what was past. She needed to focus on the present, and staying alive. 

 

* * *

 

**3 Weeks earlier:**

 

The first call she made when she left was to August. Ruby’s suspicions of their romantic entanglement aside, her friend’s gut feeling had been correct. August Booth wasn’t a clean-cut writer who made a name for himself by keeping his nose clean and obeying the laws. No, August was the guy that lurked in the shadows, bonding with the seedy underbelly of mankind. 

 

He had a knack for getting himself into trouble from time to time, and Emma had always found it easier to turn a blind eye. But now, what Emma needed most wasn’t FBI files and surveillance videos. She needed to work outside of the system if she had any chance of keeping Killian alive. She needed August, his contacts, his connections. She needed to be a shadow.

 

They agreed to meet at a bar in South Boston. Not exactly the type of place that Emma would usually frequent, but they had alcohol, and no one would think to look for her there. Ruby had already texted her a few times asking her what she was planning. Emma had ignored all of them though. The less Ruby or the others knew, the better. For everyone. She resolutely ignored that it was that very line of thought that got her into this situation as she pushed open the door of The Red Queen Pub. It smelled of sin, not surprising considering who had picked it.

 

She’d scanned the room. There were plenty of dark hair men scattered around, but not the one she was looking for. As she approached the bar, she heard the conversations die down and could feel multiple pairs of eyes focused on her, and not in the lingering lusty way she was used to. The tension was palpable, and her fingers were itching for the gun tucked into the back of her pants.

 

She sat herself down at the bar, ordering a double of rum, straight up. The woman behind the bar was older, but looked like she could handle herself if need be. She would have to, given her place of employment. As the woman stepped off to the side to grab a glass and a bottle, her eyes lingered on Emma.

 

“We don’t get many of your type here.”

 

The accent was distinctly American, not what she’d expected from a room full of Irish lilts.

 

“And what, pray tell, doesn’t that mean?”

 

Emma was trying to stay calm, but she felt like she was in the lion’s den, surrounded by hungry predators waiting for the first sign of weakness to pounce and devour her.

 

“Cops. You reek of it, dear.”

 

“Well thanks to recent events, that’s no longer the case.”

 

“So you’re undercover.”

 

The woman set the drink down in front of her and Emma heard a man from the other end of the bar call out to her. Cora.

 

She sipped her drink as she waited for her companion to arrive. Cora remained at the other end of the bar, but Emma watched as both she and the man across from her talked and stole glances at her. She’d heard about Southie bars. Most of them were innocent enough, tourist traps on the holiday and reputable businesses on the other days of the year. But some were run by Southie gangs, and she was fairly sure that The Red Queen fell into the latter category.

 

Emma was about three sips away from the bottom of the glass when the door chimed as August finally made his way in. Emma held her glass up, signally to Cora that she was ready for another. August told her he was going to find them a booth in the back where they could talk in private. He had left just as Cora arrived to refill the tumbler.

 

Emma stood and grabbed some cash from her pocket, throwing it down on the bar to pay for the drinks. Before she could reach for her drink, the older woman’s hands shot across the bar and latched onto Emma’s arm, pulling her closer.

 

Cora leaned forward.

 

“Look, I know it’s none of my business what you and that boy are up to, but I promise you that your pretty face won’t get you any favors around here. You make one wrong move, and I swear, you won’t get a chance to make another.”

 

The woman’s fingers relaxed and Emma ripped her arm back, already finding the tell-tale signs of bruises. Her eye’s fluttered up to Cora’s before taking in the room again. Every single person was watching her. She simply nodded at Cora, as a thanks for the warning, or a fuck off if it was meant to be a threat, as she grabbed her rum and found her friend in the back. August was in deep conversation with another man as she approached. The low muttering voices did very little to give away the nature of the conversation, and where August was involved, reading body language was nearly impossible.

 

Before Emma could sit down across from him, the man abruptly left out of what Emma could only guess was a back door.

 

“Friend of yours?”

 

She already knew the answer.

 

“Something like that. But I don’t think he has anything to do with why you called me.”

 

She took a long pull from her rum, letting herself focus on the way it burned in her throat and chest. August didn’t wait for her to say anything else. Instead he extended his hand across the table and grabbed one of hers. She could feel the bulk of a thumb drive between their joined palms.

 

“Admittedly, I though I’d have a bit more time before you called.”

 

“So did I, but things changed.”

 

She pulled her hand away from his, and tucked the drive away safely in her pocket. She felt the weight of his eyes on her as she finished off the drink.

 

“Emma, I know that you feel connected to this one, but I’m asking you, as your friend, as the closest thing to family you have to walk away. It’s bigger than you know and I -”

 

“Stop. I’m not walking away, so just tell me what you found.”

 

August’s eyes darted to the table, and she could tell he was frustrated with her. He hadn’t exaggerated in saying that he was like family to her. He’d always been a big brother to her, watching out and making sure the bigger kids didn’t pick on her, finding information for her when she was on assignment, and in return she made sure to keep his secret.

 

To the world, August Booth was a best selling author, a favorite for thought seeking crime fight books. It was only Emma that knew of ‘The Author,’ August’s alter ego. The journalist who always seemed to have an inside track on breaking stories. Emma was always there to feed him as much information as she was allowed to once a case was over, and he made sure that there were no connections to be made between her and his stories, which ranged from political corruption to social injustice as a whole.

 

She’d called him weeks before, while Killian was on one of his dates, desperate to end the case as soon as possible. That had been before she had allowed herself to become emotionally compromised, when she was still unaware of how quickly Killian Jones would be able to thaw her iced over heart. August had informed her that he was actually already in town working on a case that he couldn’t discuss yet, but he’d see what he could do.

 

Finding him in the distillery had been a complete shock, and she was pretty sure that the surprise he’d felt at her presence was equal. He’d tried to warn her of something that night, but he’d disappeared before she’d been able to get any information from him. The cryptic nature of his words had told her that he knew way more than he was letting on though.

 

“Emma, what’s going on?”

 

“Not here.” 

 

* * *

 

**Present:**

 

“Emma, are you sure about this. Once we do it, there’s no going back.”

 

Emma nodded her head, letting herself out of August’s car. The house in front of them was little more than a shack. Wooden boards laid in place of window panes. The screen in the front door was ripped and all of the paint was badly peeling. Of course, she hadn’t expected much from a guy known by the moniker ‘Peter Pan’.

 

She tiptoed up the steps to the front of the house. All of the lights were off, and there was no sound coming from inside, but she still choose to err on the side of caution. With August playing lookout, it didn’t take Emma much time to pick the lock on the front door.

 

It wasn’t a hard task, given the age of the house, and subsequently the lock. It was a single tumbler and there was no deadbolt, unsurprising for the rundown neighborhood. This house was by far the most derelict on the street and no one would ever dream of trying to rob it, not unless they were looking for a waste of time.

 

When the lock clicked, Emma gave the door a slight push to test it, and was immediately overcome with an odor that nearly left her needing to empty her stomach contents. It was somewhat of a mix between sewage stink and rotting food. She turned back and gave August warning before throwing the door open wide enough for both of them to tuck through the doorway, relocking it behind her.

 

It didn’t take long to determine the source of the malodor. There were take-out boxes littering the floor of the living room, in various stages of mold growth. Something that she only prayed was mouse droppings scattered the entryway, if one could even call it that.

 

August made gagging noises behind her and swiftly pulled out the gloves Emma had given him before they stepped out of his car. She followed suit, not wanting to touch a single thing either.

 

They both knew that time was a limited factor so Emma got straight to work surveying the remaining rooms, trying to decide the best place to set up. The only bedroom was located on the second floor, which meant there was only one exit, the best option for her purposes.

 

The room was bare bones, with only a mattress on the floor and an old wooden chair. It wasn’t the best option, but she’d make do. As August grabbed the chair and moved it into the middle of the room, Emma started to unpack the small bag she had brought with her, setting it’s contents on the mattress: ducktape, a bundle of rope, a taser, and a small bundle of fabric. 

 

* * *

 

**2 Weeks Earlier:**

 

Once they had left the pub, Emma and August headed back to his apartment, taking care to make sure that they weren’t followed. August went first, filling her in on a story he’d picked up on murder for hire. He wasn’t sure who the target was when he’d started the investigation, but as he followed the breadcrumbs his informant had left him, he came to the conclusion that it was Killian, which was only confirmed when he saw Emma with Killian that night.. Whoever had placed the hit was a man of great power and wealth, and everyone that he talked to was terrified. There were whispers that he’d ordered other hits before, but never one with such a high bounty.

 

Emma went next and explained the situation to him, omitting the more personal information, leaving August to believe that Killian was simply a case to her. A career making case, but nothing more.

 

She also left out the part about Milah. Even if August had promised to keep things off the record, it wasn’t her story to tell, and selfishly, she wanted to keep has much of him for herself as she could. Then again, it could have also been that she didn’t want to explain to August that he’d already had the love of his life and lost her, or confront the fact that despite the way he looked at her sometimes, she was scared that she would be nothing more than second best to him.

 

Between the two of them, they’d collected roughly the same information,

 

Hoping for some new leads, she called Ruby using a burner phone supplied by August, who in turn slipped her copies of the photographs and files from the investigation. She and Ruby had had the foresight to hide a burner phone in the broiler room as an emergency contingency. They’d been in enough tight scrapes to know that things went wrong more often than the went right.

 

Ruby promised not to tell the others that they were in contact, as long as Emma promised to come to her when she needed help. The information had been left in a manila envelope under a seat at a dinner down the street from the bureau. Emma and August had sat in his car watching and waiting for Ruby and Killian to leave. The camera crews were following them since the two of them were going on an all day ‘date’ starting with breakfast and ending with a movie in the park that night.

 

Killian and Ruby were sat next to each other in a booth, making eyes and sharing bites of the cinnamon roll on Ruby’s plate. A thought that flared the jealously inside her.

 

Real or not, hers or not, she couldn’t stomach the idea of the man flirting with another woman, of his lips touching anyone else’s.

 

She couldn’t take her eyes off him. He looked good, considering. She worried that he’d dive back into a bottle of rum, or into the crotch of the next woman that threw herself at him. She almost couldn’t blame him. She’d hurt him after all, but she’d also seen a peek at the man that hid behind his walls. Her heart ached at the way his jaw ticked while the cameras were off, the bags under his eyes. He deserved better, better than alcohol, better than one-night stands. Better than her.

 

The admission nearly knocked the air from her. Her whole life, people had left her, abandoned her, and she had always felt as though she had gotten the short end of the stick. That life was unfair. But for the first time, she knew that she deserved it. For the first time, she wanted someone else’s happiness over her own.

 

She loved him.

 

She _loved_ him. She’d known that she had strong feelings for Killian, but everything had happened so fast, and after Neal, and even Walsh, she didn’t think she was capable of feeling such a thing.

 

She waited until they were in the car and immediately ran into the dinner, making sure to claim the seat that Killian had just vacated, trying to feel his warmth left behind. August joined her, sitting on the opposite bench. They had coffee and conversed about his newest book idea for a while to avoid bringing attention to themselves before slinking out of the diner, back to August’s car.

 

Once they were back to the apartment, where Emma had taken up residence in the spare room, they spread the files out and both spent the rest of the week pouring over them. It was all stuff that Emma had seen a hundred times already, but August insisted that she look at it again. He rearranged the documents over and over hoping that seeing it in a new sequence would jingle something loose.

 

The files themselves hadn’t revealed anything new, but there was something about the surveillance photographs of Tamara and the mystery man that August couldn’t let go of. He felt the same familiarity that Emma had, but just couldn’t quite place him. Gathering five photographs, he told Emma that he would be back in just a little over an hour but, as always, he was vague about where he was going.

 

Emma took the break as an opportunity to research Killian’s background more. His file was full of incidences since he had moved to Boston, and contained some barebones background of his life in England. Nothing compared, though, to the sheer volume of social media accounts dedicated to him.

 

Most of them were fansites dedicated to worshipping everything about him, from his wardrobe choices to his elf shaped ears. One was even dedicated solely to getting peeks of his chest hair. That one made her smile, remembering the way it had felt when she had threaded her fingers through it while his teeth nipped at her lower lip. Pictures of him had been uploaded his time as school, concert venues, even dinners through restaurant windows. She couldn’t help but notice how he was never lacking for female company in the more recent photographs.

 

The ones that caught her eye though were from his time with the band. He looked happy in them, more relaxed than she’d ever seen him. There were no demons haunting him yet, and she wondered what he was like back then. Before his life fell apart. In a handful of photographs, she saw a striking woman with raven curls and glacier blue eyes, and in all of them, Killian was watching her. It wasn’t just the way his gaze lingered on her, but the sparkle in his eyes. One she’d never seen for herself.

 

When August came back in, she quickly exited out of the windows she had open in the screen in front of her, but she wasn’t quick enough to wipe away the tears falling down her cheeks.

 

“Emma?”

 

She sniffled and tried to tell him that she was just exhausted and need the case to be over, but August knew her better than anyone. Well, almost anyone. Years of growing up together in the system had taught them how to read each other, the learn the other’s tells.

 

“And how about the truth this time?”

 

“It’s nothing.”

 

His brow tensed and she knew he wasn’t going to let up until he had an answer.

 

“Please, August. _Please_. Just let this one go.”

 

“You fell for him. Didn’t you?”

 

Her head fell and for some reason she couldn’t explain, she felt ashamed. Not for Killian. That much she was sure of. Despite the rumors and accusations thrown out about him, she knew that he was a good, honorable man, and couldn’t care less what anyone else thought, much less August. If she had to guess, it was something to do with the fact that she had fallen in love again.

 

August had seen her in the wake of Neal. He knew how long it had taken to pull herself back together, and how tightly she had shut herself away, keep her heart protected. It had become a source of pride for her, the immunity she felt. And somehow, in less than a month, she’d gone and fallen head over heels in love with someone.

 

“I thought- Emma, look, I thought this was just about getting your job back. If this is personal to you, on some higher level, then you need to walk away. Emotions are a dangerous thing.”

 

“You don’t think I know that?” Her voice came out more harsh than she had intended but she was unable to control her anger at being chastised by him. “I never meant to fall in love with him, but I did, and he’s in danger. I can’t walk away, so you’re either with me, or I’ll do the rest on my own!”

 

There was a long pause. Neither of them moved, neither wanted to be the first to back down. Emma had practice though, and a stubborn streak a mile long. She knew she could wait him out, and he knew it too.

 

Finally, he walked over to the desk she was still sitting at and placed a photograph in front of her. She knew it was the closest thing to a peace offering he was going to give her.

 

“How?”

 

Sitting in front of her was a photograph.

 

“I’ve got a guy, and let’s just say the less you know the better. I showed him the pictures, and he was able to capture enough of his face from each photograph to piece something together. Look like anyone you know?”

 

His hair was longer than she’d seen it before, but the receding hairline was just as it should have been. The eyes were wrong, but she was fairly certain that it was a best guess fill in from August’s guy. The rest though, the nose, the jaw, his thin cheeks, those were all right.

 

“Greg Mendell.” 

 

* * *

 

**Present:**

 

After checking all of the remaining rooms, Emma had decided that there were two most likely places that the man would go into first. The living room was off limits. The area was too open, and if he discovered her or August, he’d likely flee and she’d lose her only chance at catching him.

 

Instead, she had instructed August to hide behind the door in the master bedroom. There were no other ways to escape, and between the two of them, incapacitating him wouldn’t be an issue. Emma herself chose to hide in the bathroom, behind a shower curtain. The bathtub was disgusting, but her desperation kept her focused on why she was there. Killian’s time was running low. In two days, he be finished filming the show, and she knew that at that point, he’d refuse further protection. He’d be a sitting duck.

 

This was her last chance, the closest they’d come to discovering who was after Killian, so dead cockroaches and suspect brown stains be damned. They weren’t going to be enough to deter her.

 

She heard the door downstairs open and close. Only one set of footsteps could be heard from the front of the house. The television came to life and the footsteps stopped. The pause was long; almost too long. She could only pray that he’d stopped to watch some random program. She’d been careful not to disturb anything, not to leave any hints of her presence there.

 

After about thirty minutes of standing in the man’s filthy bathtub, the footsteps started up again. She couldn’t see August from her hiding spot, but she hoped that he was ready. A shadow flickered across the bathroom, continuing into the bedroom. There was a loud thud, and then grunting.

 

She ran from the bathroom down the hall, hearing both men struggling. August should have been at a tactical advantage, but he wasn’t used to fighting or defending himself and she worried that letting him take the lead had been a mistake. She wanted to call out to him and make sure he was okay, but it would give away the fact that she was there.

 

Emma crept up the last few feet, trying to get a feel for what was happening, for who was where. When she saw August pinned to the ground underneath the weight of the man they were trying to capture, saw his hands choking the life out of August, she lunged, hitting him in the back of the head with the but of her gun.

 

The man fell over, trapping August under his weight, but August gasped, and Emma was able to relax slightly knowing that he was alive. She helped roll the man over onto his back, and August stood up, panting and gripping at his throat.

 

“Come on, let’s get him in the chair.”

 

It took longer than expected. The man wasn’t overly large, but he was surprisingly heavy, and August was weak and clearly in shock from their fight. They got the man set up in the chair eventually, and Emma grabbed both of the man’s arms, pulling them back so that they were behind the chair. She signalled for August to hand her the rope and she tied his arms together, much tighter than necessary, but it was her only chance and she wouldn’t risk him escaping.

 

For good measure, she tied each of his legs to the chair as well. Once she felt satisfied that he wasn’t going anywhere, she grabbed a random sock off of the floor and balled it up, shoving it into the man’s mouth. August ripped a strip of duct tape off of the roll and placed it over his mouth, ensuring that he couldn’t scream or alert anyone to his predicament.

 

“And what do we do now?” August asked, still rubbing and the newly formed purple marks on his neck.

 

“We wait.” 

 

* * *

 

**1 Week Earlier:**

 

Greg Mendell. He was a low-level drug pusher on the south side. She’d seen his name and picture pop up in multiple investigations before, but he was so low ranking that he hardly made it onto anyone’s radar. Bringing him up on charges wouldn’t have done anything on a grand scale level, so most agents left him alone, only tailing him to find larger targets.

 

He’d been brought in twice by the local police department trying to sell a new designer drug similar to speed on crack. Its street name was ‘Neverland’, and from what Emma had heard, it made the user feel like time itself had stopped around them. Some people had reported hallucinations of shadows following them.

 

August knew him as well, but as an easily bought informant. Something that wasn’t surprising; he had the look of a weasel. August put a call out, setting up a meeting with Greg at a small shop in Chinatown. It was a place she’d never heard of, but August insisted that he’d met the man there before and it would provide a certain amount of privacy.

 

Two days later, they made the trek to downtown Boston. Emma had never been to that part of town, and everything about it overwhelmed her. The music, the colors, the smells, the sheer number of people milling about.

 

“Don’t worry. Soon everyone will be out on the street for the Lantern Festival and no one will pay us any attention.”

 

Emma nodded as she passed a set of of men beginning to don a large paper dragon. August pulled open the door to a small shop. Emma looked up, seeing a sign for ‘Dragon’s Herbs’ just above the entrance. Inside behind the counter was a man in long red robes. He and August exchanged a glance and nodded to each other.

 

“Stay out here and act like you’re looking around. If he see’s you with me, he’ll run.”

 

Emma relented, but not without putting up a fight first. It wasn’t until August reminded her that he was their best chance that she was able to check her pride. She watched from the entrance-way as he headed to a room in the back. Restless and eager for news, she milled around the store for a while, picking up packages and reading the backs before putting them back. The man behind the counter watched her, causing the hair on the back of neck to raise.

 

She was about to approach him, but the chime sounded above the door and a moment later she saw Mendell walk in. Any fears of being spotted were quelled immediately as he shuffled by, paying no attention to her or the man in red, and walking straight into the back as well. Emma moved to follow, but the man in red was faster than her, blocking her way.

 

“I know what you seek, Emma Swan.”

 

Emma frowned, unamused.

 

“How the hell do you know my name?”

 

“You need not waste your energy on me. Emma Swan, you are on a path to darkness, and if you continue this way, I fear you will not like where it leads.”

 

The man’s voice remained calm, further frustrating her.

 

“I don’t have time for this.” She tapped her foot wondering how bad it would be if she throttled the old man.

 

“There is a battle being fought. One between light and dark, and you are at the center.”

 

He stepped closer and her eyes looked away from him, focusing on the doorway to the room August and Greg were in.

 

“Death follows you. This will not end to way you want it to.”

 

She was about to snap at him, but just as quickly as he had appeared in front of her, he had disappeared. She looked around the room, but he was nowhere to be found. Emma tried to shake herself out of it, but there was something about what he said that lingered.

 

_Death follows you._

 

It had been true throughout her childhood. Leo Swan. His wife, Ruth. Even Ingrid, one of her childhood foster mothers, who lasted all of seventeen days before she dropped dead of a heart condition. Her thoughts went to Killian, laying on the bed in his ship. She was so certain that he was dead too. Death had followed her for as long as she could remember, and if she didn’t hurry, it would again.

 

She ran into the back room to find Greg and August having a tense conversation. She tried to enter the room quietly, but her boot kicked a box on the ground and Greg turned.

 

“You brought a _cop_ in here?” Greg shouted and tried to leave, but Emma fisted his shirt and pushed him back into the center of the room.

 

“Luckily for you, Mr. Mendell, I’m not a cop anymore.”

 

She walked up to him like a predator, eying it’s next meal. She new it wouldn’t take much to intimidate him based on his former dealings with August.

 

He tried to run again, but this time August held him back with a firm hand on his shoulder.

 

“You can’t keep me here. You said it yourself. You’re not a cop.”

 

“Exactly.”

 

Before she could even think about what she was doing, or the consequences of her actions, the back of her hand made contact with his face. He cried out and when he looked back up at her she said blood dripping from his bottom lip.

 

“You crazy bitch!”

 

“Oh, you haven’t seen anything yet. Who put out the hit on Killian Jones?”

 

He spit more blood from his mouth.

 

“I don’t know what your talking about.”

 

“Don’t test me.”

 

“I’m serious-”

 

“I’d listen to the lady. She has a personal stake in this and you know the saying. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Especially one who knows how to torture people.”

 

August raised his brow and smiled at her, elicited a small grin from her.

 

“Greg. I know you work with Tamara, and I know she’s accepted a contract on Killian’s life. Now, who put the hit out?”

 

She saw something flicker in his eyes. Something close to fear.

 

“I can’t say. They’ll kill me.”

 

“And what makes you think I won’t?”

 

The words had flown from her mouth before she even realized she was speaking, and part of her feared the truth behind them, because in that moment, the fear and rage had edged in, taking over, and she wasn’t sure that he was safe from her.

 

“Oh, please…” It wasn’t a plea, but a sarcastic bite.

 

Without another thought, her knee made contact with his stomach and he doubled over, yelling out in pain. Emma looked up to see the shock written in August’s face. She’d gone too far, and yet not far enough.

 

“Who put the hit out on him?”

 

“Emma-”

 

She felt August try to pull her away from Greg, but she wasn’t done. She didn’t have the answers she needed. Emma bent over and grabbed Greg’s shirt, pulling him up to his knees.

 

“I can’t tell you!”

 

Emma brought her hand back, ready to strike him again when he continued.

 

“I don’t know! I can’t tell you because _I don’t know._ ”

 

Emma released his shirt and pushed him back down to the ground. She began pacing around the room. Despite his conniving nature, and the fact that he’d say anything to save himself, Emma could tell that he was telling her the truth.

 

“Shit.”

 

She starting ringing her hands together, not sure what to do with all of the frustrated energy built up inside of her.

 

“Greg, you said they’d kill you.” August’s voice was much calmer than hers. “Obviously you know something, so start talking.”

 

Greg looked up and gave Emma a quick glance before returning his attention to August.

 

“I’m serious. I don’t know who ordered it. We just got the contract from this guy. I don’t even know his real name. On the surface he’s a nobody, a middle man with a list of enemies a mile long.”

 

“You said on the surface?” Emma could feel it, he was holding back.

 

“He’s protected. And before you ask, no, I don’t know by who. I just know that the guy has more money and power than God. The dude’s racked up debts from every power hitter in town but he’s off limits. He’s untouchable.”

 

“And how do I find him?”

 

“I don’t know. He always found us. All I know is that he goes by the name ‘Peter Pan’. That should tell you something.”

 

“You mean that he’s a man-child?”

 

Emma snickered at August’s snark.

 

“No,” Greg rolled his eyes causing Emma’s hand to ball into a fist, “he’s unstable.” 

 

* * *

 

**Present:**

 

After securing her prisoner, Emma and August set out to searching the remnants of the man’s room. Their initial search had been quick and less than thorough as they checked for weapons and escape routes.

 

She knew that he’d be out for another twenty minutes at least, so she started combing through his closet while August looked in his dresser drawers. It took about ten minutes of rummaging before August called out to her, holding a playboy magazine in his hands.

 

“Seriously? I don’t have time for you to rub one out.”

 

“Ha-Ha. But no.”

 

He handed her the magazine and when she started flipping through it she found surveillance pictures of Killian. They were dated over the last year, and Emma was stunned at how much planning had gone into researching Killian. There were notes on his favorite places to eat, to drink. Photographs of him on his boat were scattered throughout.

 

She was certain that she was radiating fear. A good portion of the photographs had been taken from a close proximity. They could have killed him hundreds of times already. The only thing saving him was the fact that he was a high profile celebrity in public places. Her stomach lurched. Whoever was trying to murder Killian was a man of patience, and that was even more dangerous. 

 

* * *

 

**One Day Earlier:**

 

She slammed the phone down. Perhaps using her free time to do more research, or to even nap while August was out fishing for information would have been time better spent than torturing herself over Killian. She wasn’t sure what she had hoped to hear when she called Ruby, but her partner telling her that Killian was getting closer to Elsa certainly wasn’t it. She couldn’t blame him, she knew that, but it still pissed her off.

 

And then Ruby had confirmed what she feared most; Killian was adamant that he wanted nothing more to do with the FBI, or the protection it offered. They could still drive by his apartment, Will and Robin could try to pop by on occasion, but it wouldn’t be the same level of twenty-four hour protection he was under now.

 

He would be a sitting duck, and if she didn’t find the man responsible for contracting the hit on Killian in the next few days, Kilian would likely be dead within the week. She wasn’t sure which was worse; the fact that Killian might die, or that he was over her. No. That wasn’t completely true. Killian no longer existing was worse, but not by much.

 

Things with August had been tense too. Ever since she’d revealed to him her feelings for Killian, he’d been pulling away from her. Then after her actions with Greg Mendell, August had almost backed out completely, telling her that she was emotionally compromised.

 

It took days of reassurances and promises to get him back on board, and after her conversation with Ruby, she was worried that her mood would sour things between them again. When August came back to the apartment, it was to her slamming the kitchen cupboards shut.

 

“My hospitality doesn’t extend to my security deposit.”

 

It was probably meant as a joke to cut the tension, but it only further irritated her. She glared at him, but kept her mouth shut. She’d said enough horrible things to him in the last week. She didn’t need to add more fuel to the fire.

 

“Okay. What’s got you in a mood this time?”

 

She sighed, trying to rein in her anger.

 

“Everything?”

 

He chuckled and walked past her into his bedroom, only to emerge a minute later with a small gift bag. He set it in front of her and took a seat as the island. When she didn’t immediately reach for it, he leaned forward and pushed it closer to her.

 

“I told you I had a surprise for you. Now seems like as good a time as any.”

 

She was skeptical, but things couldn’t get any worse. Carefully, she pulled out the top level of tissue paper, and when she saw what was inside she laughed. A genuine belly shaking laugh. Her first one since leaving Killian almost a month before.

 

“I’ve made sure to grab a pack from every country I’ve visited. I figured it was the closest thing to international cuisine I’d ever get you to try.”

 

Sure enough, she pulled out the boxes one by one, inspecting all of the different languages and flavors. Eight countries worth of pop tarts.

 

“Thank you, August.”

 

She walked up and hugged him. It was the first time in weeks that she felt like she might just be able to hold herself together. The first time she’d felt hope.

 

“Oh, that? That’s nothing. I have something else for you.”

 

“What? Because unless it’s a bottle of booze from every country you’ve visited I’m not sure if you can top it.”

 

“Not even if I found out Peter Pan’s real name?” 

 

* * *

 

**Present:**

 

The man’s eyes opened, clearly stunned and disoriented. It took a few minutes few him to gain his bearings, leaving Emma to question how hard she’d hit him. His eyes narrowed on her face and he started trying to scream, but it was muffled by the gag Emma had placed on him.

 

“Malcolm Gold. You know, for as many enemies as you’ve made, you may want to look into investing in a better lock for the front door.”

 

Malcolm looked over to August and he just shrugged in agreement.

 

“Now, I have a problem, and I think we can all agree that it would be in your best interest to help me.”

 

Even with the gag on, Emma could tell that he was stringing together a litany of curses towards her.

 

“Now, now. Is that anyway to behave in front of a lady?”

 

August pushed himself off of the dresser and stood in front of Malcolm, peeling the tape off of his face slowly as to cause the most pain. Something that surprised Emma given his reaction to her hitting Mendell.

 

“Well I don’t see any ladies here,” Malcolm spat.

 

Emma turned up the corners of her lip, smirking at him, tossing the pictures of Killian on the floor as she did so.

 

“Why do you have these?”

 

“Well isn’t that obvious? He’s a famous man and I’m a fan of his.”

 

“Ah, well I guess you had to hock all of his merchandise and music to pay the electric bill this month. I mean, if you’re such a huge fan, how else can you explain the lack of memorabilia?”

 

“Something like that.”

 

Malcolm tilted his head and grinned at her. He wasn’t going to to make it easy, and she was actually a little glad for it. She was raring for a fight, had been for months now, and he was finally going to give it to her.

 

Without warning, Emma grabbed the taser off the bed and shoved into his side.

 

“What do you know about the contract out on Killian Jones?”

 

“Contract? What contract?”

 

“I was hoping you’d say that.”

 

Emma backed away and hit the button, watching as his body convulsed before her. It took him a few minutes before he was able to recompose himself.

 

“You bitch!”

 

“Oh, you haven’t seen anything yet.”

 

Stepping back to the bed, she picked up one of the knives. Emma’s eyes moved to August, worried that he would hit his limit at any moment and would leave. He was clearly uncomfortable, but instead only turned his back, not wanting to watch what was next.

 

She tilted the knife back and forth, letting the light catch the blade. Malcolm’s eyes widened, but he didn’t speak.

 

“Now, I know that you are the one that offered out the contract. But what I don’t know, is who ordered it. Now, we can do this the easy way, and you can just tell me, or I can make you.”

 

Malcolm looked at her and sneered.

 

“You have ‘cop’ written all over you. Even you have your limits.”

 

“You know, I’ve been hearing that a lot recently. Want to know what I said to the other guy?”

 

Malcolm growled at her, and it was all the answer she needed. Her fist hit his cheek with such force that his chair fell over. August had to help her sit him back up and she asked again.

 

“Who put the hit out?” This time she was the one growling.

 

“Fuck you.”

 

“Wrong answer.”

 

Emma’s blade slid shallowly across his forearm, with just enough force to break the skin and cause immense pain.

 

After the pain subsided, he started laughing at her.

 

“I get it. You and he have a ‘thing’ going, don’t you? I’m sorry to tell you this sweetheart, but he’s got a thing going with every woman in Boston, and then some. You’re just another one of his whores!”

 

His laughter rose and became almost maniacal. Worried about the sound, August rushed over and shoved the sock back onto his mouth and placed a new piece of tape over it. 

 

* * *

 

**2 Hours Earlier:**

 

August had come through in a huge way. Malcolm Gold was exactly as Greg Mendell had described him. A mid-level southie with a penchant for trouble. The gambling debts were just the tip of the iceberg. He’d also found himself in trouble for money laundering, embezzlement, and a number of other smaller crimes, but somehow he’d always managed to escape any jail time or any serious indictments.

 

And he’d also managed to escape any repercussions from the other southies that he’d pissed off. He didn’t hold enough power to call off any of debt collectors on his own. None of it made sense.

 

August had managed to track him down, to get an address for him in a run down neighborhood. They’d spent the last few days following him. August followed him around town. He’d been seen hanging around in the area enough before as to not raise suspicions. Emma for her part, staked out his house, making sure that no one else came or went from the house. They needed to be prepared for any eventualities.

 

Once they were confident that they knew his daily routine, they formulated a plan. August had objected, but Emma convinced him that it was the only way. Time was running out, and she needed answers fast. She also reminded him that having a ringside seat for all of the action would make for one hell of a story later on.

 

Every night, without fail, Malcolm left his house for a pint down at the pub three blocks away.

 

They rented a car with a fake ID that August used on occasion and sat down the street. Once the saw Malcolm leave, they headed for the house. 

 

* * *

 

**Present:**

 

Emma was seconds away from plunging the knife into his thigh when she heard a loud noise. The front door had been kicked in, and she heard what sounded like two heavy set men moving through the house. She looked to August, who had come to the same conclusion as her. Their whole plan had hinged on the one exit, the same exit they could no longer use.

 

She tossed the knife to August and turned, grabbing her gun off the dresser. Both of them bolted for the closet. If nothing else, they could use the element of surprise.

 

Emma had completely shut the closet door behind her, so she could only hear what was happening, they couldn’t see anything. August was breathing heavily next to her, too heavily, so he slapped her hand over his mouth in an effort to quiet him down.

 

The heavy footsteps came closer and she was certain they were both now in the bedroom.

 

“Well, well. What have we here?”

 

She didn’t recognize the voice.

 

“Looks like someone already did our dirty work for us.”

 

She didn’t recognize that voice either, but if the increased heart rate she felt thrumming in August chest was any indication, he did, and he wasn’t happy about it.

 

Malcolm was almost squealing; pure terror on his part.

 

“My employer has been kind and understanding up to this point, but his patience has grown thin, and your connections have tired of protecting you. You’ve created many enemies, Malcolm, and even more debts. I’m sorry to say it’s time to pay the piper.”

 

She heard Malcolm’s cries grow louder and more frantic. Then a loud bang, and nothing but silence.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always feel free to come yell at me on tumblr: wellhellotragic


	24. 24

 

The gun went off and Emma instinctively clamped her hand down hard on August’s mouth. He was trembling beneath her touch and she knew that any sounds indicating their presence would mean certain death. Her other hand continued to firmly grasp her gun. The wait seem to stretch on for an eternity.

 

There was rustling, followed by the sound of wood scraping along wood. Eventually, the sound of a camera shutter from a phone filled the silence, followed by low mumbles and laughter. Finally, there were the sounds of two pairs of heavy footsteps leaving the room. Emma waited another five minutes before cracking the door open enough to ensure that that she and August were alone.

 

She hissed at August to stay put while she slowly tiptoed through the rest of the house with her gun drawn. Every muscle in her body tensed as she crept into the living room. The front door was left ajar, forcing her to take note of the broken trim and doorframe from where the assailants had kicked it in. Feeling confident that their mysterious guests were gone, Emma ran back to August.

 

He was in the corner of the room, faced away from everything. She’d need to have a chat with him about minding his surroundings. It wasn’t until she heard gagging noises though that she realised why he was faced towards the wall. Malcolm’s body had been mutilated. The gunshot through his forehead would have been enough to turn the stomach of most people, but the severed hands were over the top, even by Emma’s standards.

 

August made another noise as he tried to speak.

 

“Why’d they cut off his hands? He was already dead.” 

 

Emma considered it for a second, but the answer was fairly obvious.

 

“You know that age old adage, ‘snitch get stitches’? Well ‘thieves get cleaves’. Remember all of those gambling debts and embezzlement rumors?”

 

August turned around to look at her, but when he caught her kneeling next to Malcolm’s slumped over body, he nearly lost it.

 

“Oh, God. I’m going to hurl.”

 

“Not in here, you don’t.” The last thing either of them needed was DNA evidence tying them to the crime scene. “Go back to the car and wait for me.”

 

He didn’t argue as he brushed past her trying to leave the room as fast as possible. He was so quick that she almost missed the rolled up magazine in his back pocket. That earned an eye roll. Of course he’d take that damn dirty magazine with him.

 

“Men,” she sighed.

 

She gave another quick glance around the room. She wanted more time to look for evidence linking the guy known as ‘Peter Pan’ to Killian, or to identity of the man who ordered the hit, but the gunshot had been loud, and she was sure that the police were already on their way. There wasn’t enough time to search and get away. Emma’s only hope was that Ruby could make a request to see whatever evidence was gathered, but until then she needed to stay out of trouble.

 

When Emma stepped up to the car, she was surprised to see August waiting for her in the passenger’s seat. Emma made a quip that his nerves of steel were really more like a steel coating, hoping to lighten the mood, but August was in shock. She had heard his stories, read his work, but she was certain that for all of his dramatics and embellishments, he’d never been quite so close to the action before, and it was going to take time for him to come to terms with what he had just witnessed.

 

When they arrived back to August’s apartment, he said nothing, simply slipping into his room and closing the door behind him. It didn’t take long before she heard heaving noises coming from the other side. She wasn’t quite sure what to do. All of her colleagues had been training for instances like these, and although there was nothing that could prepare a person for their first time seeing a dead body, for watching someone die, it had been so long since her first time. She was almost immune to it now.

 

After considering her options, she grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and snuck into his room. He was crumpled up over the toilet, holding onto the bowl like it was the only thing keeping him rooted to the world.

 

“You know,” she started, “I can barely remember my first time. I know that it was my first case with Ruby, and it was a body dump. He’d been there for a few days and the smell-”

 

August’s face turned green and Emma realized her mistake. Describing a gruesome murder scene to him in his current state hadn’t been her best idea.

 

“Anyways, I barely remember it, and I often forget what it’s like to be affected that way. I’ve been called ‘caulous’ on more than one occasion, but I do know what you’re going though. I-” She paused, deciding how much to tell him. “There was a moment, for just a minute, where I thought Killian was dead. It wasn’t the same, I know, but my stomach clenched, and everything inside of me was hyperaware of how terrified I was.”

 

“Emma, stop. It wasn’t the body. I mean, ya, maybe in part. But we could have died. You get that right?”

 

“Ya, I do.”

 

He didn’t say anything for a few minutes.

 

“How do you do it?”

 

“I just remind myself of why I’m doing it. I remind myself that it’s for something bigger than myself.”

 

“It’s not, though, Emma. God, I’m only in this for the story, which seems rather counterproductive if I die. And you, you’re worth so much more than him.”

 

“August!”

 

“No. I’ve read all of the articles, the stories. He’s slime, Emma, and not worth your life or mine!”

 

Emma placed the bottle of water on the floor next to him and left the apartment. His words had irritated her, and she wasn’t sure if she was angry with him or herself. August had insisted that he accompany her even after she’d warned him multiple times before that it would be dangerous. He’d had his writer goggles on though, and she should have realized that he wasn’t fully comprehending what they were getting themselves into. She should have know better than to bring him. That was on her.

 

But the way he spoke about Killian. That was on him. And it was people like him that gave Killian a bad reputations. Reporters, journalists, and bloggers who already had the narrative in their head and refused to consider that there was anything more to him.

 

She started wandering around the streets aimlessly, trying to calm herself down. It was late, and dark, and even in the nice parts of Boston, she knew she shouldn’t stay outside alone for too long. What she needed was a distraction.

 

“Hey, you’re early. Is everything okay?”

 

Ruby’s voice over the phone was a welcome sound. Their normal weekly call wasn’t scheduled until the next day and she had worried that Ruby might not have her burner phone on her.

 

“Ya, it’s just been a rough day and I wanted to hear a friendly voice.”

 

“Well you’re missing all of the fun here. Graham has been insufferable since you left.”

 

She chuckled, only feeling slightly guilty that her friend was being forced to take the brunt of his anger. Ruby was strong though, and Emma knew that Ruby could handle him, and that she’d put him in his place the minute she’d had enough.

 

“The final rose ceremony is in two days. We haven’t found any new information yet, but the plan as I know it so far is to take Tamara into custody the minute filming is over. Graham thinks we have enough to hold her, but I’m not so sure. We can’t actually link her to any of the incidences.”

 

That wasn’t surprising. Emma knew well enough that the simple fact that Tamara was present both when Killian was overdosed and in the cellar wasn’t enough for a trial.

 

“And Killian?”

 

Emma hoped her voice didn’t betray her.

 

“He’s still refusing witness protection, but Will and Robin aren’t letting go without a fight. We’ve added extra security cameras around his apartment already and-”

 

“No, Ruby. I mean- How is he?”

 

She couldn’t hide the tremble that time.

 

“He’s- I don’t know. I’ve talked to him, Will basically yelled, but he’s hard to read. Kinda like someone else I know. He had a date with Elsa tonight and then we brought him in to look through more files.”

 

The way she dropped off, Emma knew there was something else, but she waited for Ruby.

 

“I showed him your file.”

 

Emma didn’t say anything, but she felt a tear slide down her face. She’d told Killian what had happened, or at least as much as she could have at the time, but she hadn’t told him all of it. She hadn’t told him about the jail time, the trips to the infirmary. It was humiliating in every aspect, and she worried that he’d never look at her the same. Assuming he ever bothered to look at her again.

 

“Em, don’t give up. He’s hurt and angry right now, but he still loves you. I can see it. He wouldn’t be so upset otherwise.”

 

“Ya, okay.”

 

The words were false. She knew it. Ruby knew it. But she couldn’t think of anything else to say.

 

“How are you?”

 

“I’ve been better.” She sighed, letter her guard down for only a moment. “Hey, listen. The reason I called is that I might have a lead.”

 

Emma continued to tell her about staking out Malcolm Gold’s place, and the events that followed. Ruby assured her that she would check into it, but only after giving her an earful about safety and stupidity. Emma held back an eye-roll. Ruby was right, as was August, to a degree. She’d done something incredibly dangerous without backup, and if she’d been caught, there wouldn’t have been anyone to bail her out.

 

The truth though was that Emma didn’t care. Her whole life she’d been the one that people whispered about, she was the one that had been judged unfairly. She knew what it was like and she’d be damned if she let that happen to Killian. He needed someone in his corner, even if he wasn’t willing to admit it. He needed to be someone’s priority for a change.

 

They ended the call with Emma properly chastised, but feeling no more guilty than before. When she returned to the apartment, August had managed to pull himself together enough that he was able to pry himself away from the bathroom. She found him curled up in his bed.

 

She switched off the light to his room, but lingered to watch his silhouette for a moment. Sometimes she had trouble distinguishing him between the boy she’d grown up with and the man that he’d become. He wasn’t as fearless as he wanted people to believe he was. He wasn’t hard and jaded, not like her.

 

The rest was on her.

 

That night she tossed and turned. Images of her past ran through her nightmares. Seeing Leo Swan on his coffin, followed by Ruth in hers, and finally one of Killian, laying prone on the ground.

 

She woke exhausted and cranky. The better part of her day was spent expressly avoiding August. The anger she felt at him for his harsh words against Killian the day before and the subsequent guilt of bringing him with her to Malcolm’s house made it too hard to make eye contact with him. Instead, Emma went to a pub around the corner and cozied up at the bar with a drink - it had been a bad, well, _week_ , so whiskey it was. It was still early in the day, leaving the bar mostly empty, some of the regulars milling about by the bar. The bartender paid her enough attention to serve her her drink before he turned back to his conversation with the bleary eyed man sitting front and center. Emma barely cared, moving over to a seat closer to the window to people watch. Thursdays in Boston were owned by the jobless. Moms hauling their children around, students milling around between classes, hustlers trying to make a few extra dollars. As Emma sat in her booth, she saw it all, and as depressing as it was to know that she’d now joined their ranks, it was still a better view than the advertisement playing on the television above the bar. _Who will receive the final rose?_ Just another reminder that Killian wasn’t hers.

 

The thought was enough to make her order a second drink. She moved back over and slid onto a barstool to place her order. The bartender gave her a once over, and clearly determining that she was sober enough for another, turned around and began preparing the drink. Emma grabbed a handful of peanuts from the dish and waited.

 

Even without turning, she recognized the sound of the commercial playing again in the background. She nearly got up and pulled the cord from the outlet.

 

“Stupid show, isn’t it?”

 

She looked up to find the bartender staring over his shoulder to where the TV sat.

 

“What?”

 

“It’s all fake. You know that, right? A bunch of phonies ready to eat each other alive for the limelight. It’s disgusting.”

 

Something tugged at her heart at his words. Sure, she hadn’t ever wanted to be part of the competition to begin with, but it hadn’t been as bad as all that. She thought of Ariel, of Belle, of Elsa. They were genuinely good people who lived very real lives outside of the show. They had dreams, ambitions, and families who loved them.

 

“I mean, I know they all secretly hope the other one will trip and fall on her face, but not all of them are bad. Some of them are good people.”

 

“A fan of Miss Congeniality, are we?”

 

Of course. He would never understand. She doubted anyone outside of the house ever would.

 

“Something like that, but judging by how quickly you just named the movie I was quoting, I’d say you’re in no place to judge anyone.”

 

He placed the drink in front of her. She downed it before quickly ordering a third. Before long, the sound of the heavy bar door opening and shutting with a bang was startling her from her thoughts. The sun had begun to go down and the bar was slowly filling with patrons, many shuffling in still wearing their work clothes. She made her exit, brushing past a few girls in heels too tall and dresses too short for such an establishment.

 

August was waiting for her when she trudged through the door, immediately bombarding her with information, but she’d had enough already. She just needed sleep. _She needed Killian_. But that wasn’t happening, so sleep was the next best thing. As soon as her head hit the pillow she was out.

 

The next morning, she was woken by the jostling of her bed.

 

“Emma. Damnit. Wake up.”

 

She pried one eye open to spy August standing at the foot of her bed, watching her expectantly.

 

“If you’re done feeling sorry for yourself, we have somewhere to be.”

 

He left, and it took all of her willpower not to fall back to sleep. It would have been easy to pretend that everything was fine, that she hadn’t quit her job, that Killian wasn’t in danger, that the love of her life wasn’t proposing to another woman in a few hours. It would have been easier than facing all of her insecurities, the biggest of which had plagued her since the night Killian had walked away. What if she wasn’t good enough? Not in the same way she hadn’t been good enough for Neal or Walsh; it wasn’t about how they saw her, but about how she saw herself this time. Maybe Killian deserved better.

 

“Emma, get up. We’re leaving in five minutes.”

 

Groaning, she stood and dressed herself. August already had his keys in his hand and a there were two to-go cups of coffee on the kitchen counter. She grabbed one on her way out the door with a grunt as her only acknowledgement of thanks.

 

“So where are we going?”

 

They’d been in the car for fifteen minutes and neither of them had spoken, but as Emma drew the last few sips from her cup, she finally felt like she was alert enough to break the tension surrounding them.

 

“Remember how I found all of that surveillance stuff on your boyfriend in the playboy magazine?”

 

Emma rolled her eyes at the tone he’d used when he’d referred to Killian as her boyfriend, but she didn’t interrupt him.

 

“Well, there was another magazine that I found while I was avoiding looking at the body. It had some interesting stuff in it.”

 

“Like what?”

 

“Well if my guess is correct, it had some banking info in it. I looked through the files yesterday and while one of the outgoing numbers matched the numbers on the account paying Tamara, there were some other account numbers that we haven’t seen before.”

 

August reached around to the back seat and grabbed a file, which he carelessly tossed in Emma’s lap as he navigated through Boston traffic. She opened the folder and riffled through. There were stacks of accounting documents. None of it was organized, but judging by the disorder of Malcolm’s house, she hadn’t expecting to find a perfectly balanced ledger. Still, she’d hoped for something more than beer stained documents with chicken scratch all over them. Or at least what she hoped they were beer stains.

 

“So what? We’re just going to walk into a bank and sweet talk them into giving us all of the information on the account holders?”

 

She needed more coffee.

 

August tilted his head and gave her a sly grin, his shit-eating grin.

 

“No, I have a guy.”

 

Something told Emma that this was another one of his shady contacts, but August seemed to be in a much better mood and far less apprehensive, leading her to believe that his life wasn’t going to be in danger this time.

 

They drove another twenty minutes to the south side of Boston. Emma was turned around, not knowing Boston well enough to figure out where they were. August parked the car on the lower level of a parking garage on the north side of the street and motioned for Emma to follow him.

 

They walked in silence, Emma not having a clue where they were going. She nearly bumped into him when he came to a sudden stop in between two buildings. Rummaging around in his pocket, she watched as he pulled out something that belonged to her. She eyed him with annoyance but he just shrugged innocently and nodded to the blank door beside him.

 

“I’ll keep an eye out.”

 

“Where exactly am I breaking into?”

 

“The Emma I knew had a sense of adventure.”

 

She rolled her eyes at him for the second time that day, but proceeded to pull her tools out of the small bag and worked on the door. She was slightly out of practice, and the lock was noticeably more complex than the one on Malcolm’s door, but it didn’t stop her.

 

When the tumblers clicked into place and the door opened, she and August quickly stepped inside and August pulled the door closed behind them. They were shrouded in darkness, and Emma could hear something that sounded vaguely like dripping water echoing in a tunnel.

 

August managed to produce a flashlight, and Emma understood why the noise had echoed. They were standing in a concrete tunnel. There were stairs leading down the tunnel below them, but nothing else that gave her any information on where they were. August took the lead, and Emma followed with her gun in easy reach.

 

“Where the hell are we?”

 

“Technically, we’re underground.”

 

“No shit, Sherlock.” She wasn’t in the mood for games. “Care to give me something slightly more specific?”

 

He chuckled and she found herself even more annoyed than before.

 

“Boston has a rich history.”

 

She was two seconds away from smashing her fist into his face.

 

“And part of that history includes abandoned subway tunnels. They’re obsolete by today’s standards, but too expensive for the city to fill in, so instead they just sit here unused.” He paused. “Well, _mostly_ unused.”

 

“August. Enough with the cryptic shit. What are we doing here?”

 

He groaned, obviously unhappy with her interrupting his version of suspense building and storytelling.

 

“Fine. My contact, he’s cautious. His business isn’t exactly something he can advertise in the yellow pages so he needed somewhere that he could set up without anyone stumbling upon it. You’ll see, we’re almost there.”

 

The walked around two more bends and she saw it. A huge network of computers and wires and cords running everywhere.

 

“What the hell?”

 

Her words were enough to catch the attention of a man sitting at a desk, watching five computer screens at once.

 

“August, you didn’t mention that you were bringing a friend.”

 

Emma instinctively reached for her gun but didn’t draw it. She watched the man. The tunnel was still dark, only illuminated by the screens, giving her only a vague view of the man’s face. He was of average height and his skin and hair were darker, but that’s all she could tell. Well, that, and that his voice sounded slightly British.

 

“I didn’t mention it because I knew you wouldn’t agree to meet me if I did.”

 

“Because she’s an officer of the law?”

 

“She used to be, but she’s not anymore. Look Al, you have my word. She’s not here to arrest you.”

 

The man watched them both for a moment before finally relaxing his stance. August nodded and walked closer to the man, producing the folder that she hadn’t even noticed him grab from the car. Clearly she needed to work on paying more attention to detail.

 

“Al, this is Emma. Emma, meet Aladdin.”

 

“Aladdin? Like the Disney movie?”

 

The man laughed for the first time and motioned for her to come closer.

 

“Aladdin is more of a moniker that was given to me in my youth.”

 

“Let me guess,” she started. “You’re a thief?”

 

“In a manner of speaking,” August supplemented. “Al here specializes in stealing information though. He’s going to help us track down the owners of the accounts in that file.”

 

“And what exactly does he get out of it?”

 

Emma wasn’t so naive as to believe that Aladdin was going to help out of the goodness of his heart. There had to be a catch.

 

“There may be a slight of hand involved. Some money transfers. Nothing you need to concern yourself with.”

 

August raised his eyebrows waiting for her to challenge him.

 

“Fine. How long is this going to take?”

 

“It’s going to take as long as it’s going to take. But first, I’m putting myself on the line here. I need to know why this is important to you, Emma.”

 

“That’s none of your-”

 

She was cut of by August.

 

“She’s doing it for a guy. He’s gotten himself into a bit of trouble and we just need to know who’s after him.”

 

“Ah,” Aladdin nodded to himself before turning to Emma. “So you’re his savior?”

 

Emma gritted her teeth.

 

“Something like that. Look, we don’t have much time, so can you do this or not?”

 

“I can.”

 

Aladdin sat down as his computer and started randomly, she thought, typing in letters and numbers.

 

She felt August move closer so that he was standing right next to her and he whispered in her ear.

 

“He comes here because it’s isolated, but also because he can easily patch into the city’s electrical system and whatever internet stuff he uses. This way, it’s not linked to him in any way and he avoids any obvious power surges that people at the power company might find suspicious.

 

When Aladdin said it would take as long as it takes, he should have been more specific. It took hours. It didn’t help that the tunnel was dark and damp, and she felt like bugs were crawling all over her skin. She needed fresh air.

 

Emma excused herself and took the flashlight from August, following the path back to the door they entered from. She propped it open as she stepped out into the alleyway. Taking her phone from her back pocket, she noted the time. It was nearing four in the afternoon, which meant only one thing; Killian had already given his last rose, and unless she was a complete idiot, Elsa was already wearing a diamond ring the size of Mount Everest.

 

She wanted to scream, to run, to do anything but stay there, waiting in that damn tunnel. Instead, she flipped through her contacts and called Ruby. The phone rang twice and when she heard Ruby’s voice, she new something was wrong.

 

“Emma! Have you heard from him?”

 

Ruby’s words were rushed and Emma had never heard Ruby sound so terrified.

 

“No, what going on?”

 

“Emma, I need to go.”

 

“No!” Emma shouted, not caring if she attracted any attention to herself.

 

“Give me a minute.”

 

The phone went dead and Emma stood there, feeling the panic rising through her body. Five minutes of waiting and feeling completely useless passed before her phone rang.

 

“Emma, I can’t talk for long.”

 

It wasn’t Ruby’s voice on the line.

 

“Will, what’s going on?”

 

“You haven’t heard from him at all?”

 

“No. I already told Ruby that. Now, what’s happened?”

 

Will explained the last two hours to her in excruciating detail. Killian had proposed to Elsa during the filming as planned and she had accepted. As soon as the camera’s had flipped off, all of the agents descended on Tamara, and Killian and Elsa had been whisked away by agents who were supposed to transport them back to the office until they could finish integrating Tamara.

 

They had never made it though, and the car had been found abandoned a few miles from the mansion. One of the agents had been found dead in the passenger seat, and the other agent was missing. The back seat was covered in blood, but there were no traces of who had taken them or where they’d gone. Their working theory was that the agent who had been driving had shot the other agent and kidnapped Killian and Elsa, switching out cars in the process.

 

They were still trying to get information out of Tamara. That was where Ruby was now, interrogating her, but the only thing they’d managed to get out of her so far was that she wasn’t the only one who had accepted the open contract on Killian.

 

Will had to end the call when he heard Robin calling for him. He left her with the promise that they would call her if they learned anything else, but Emma didn’t feel hopeful. They were at a disadvantage. They could only work within the restraints of the law, buried behind red-tape. If they did figure anything out, she was sure it would be too late.

 

She felt her legs moving before her brain caught up. She was sprinting back to August and Aladdin, almost out of breath as she arrived.

 

“They took him.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always feel free to come yell at me on tumblr: wellhellotragic


	25. 25

 

When the moment he’d been dreading finally arrived, it wasn’t quite as bad as he had expected. For weeks, he had been under the impression that the last rose and the ring were going on the finger of a different blonde. He’d even initially felt giddy at the idea getting down on one knee in front of her. He’d wondered at her reaction. Would she be overwhelmed and closed off to him, or would she have played along, throwing her body into his?

 

It didn’t matter now, though. Emma had betrayed him. She’d lied to him about herself, about what she really wanted from him, just as Milah had, and it hurt more than words could express. Elsa was the safe choice - ignoring the fact that she was technically the only choice. There was a small amount of guilt tugging at him, knowing that Elsa held feelings for him that he was unable to reciprocate. But despite how sweet and authentic she was, his heart was broken and useless. He’d do his best not to lead her on too much, to let her down gently.

 

All three women stood before him, pointedly ignoring the camera that was filming their anxious reactions. Well, two of the women did, at least. Ever since Emma had left, Ruby’s attempts at seduction had waned to nearly nothing, and today’s looks of pity were no different. Killian wasn’t even certain if they were still planning on airing the footage given that one of the contestants was about to be arrested.

 

He recited the speech that had been written for him, addressing his relationship with each woman just as the cue cards has instructed him to. When he finally sunk down in front of Elsa, ring box in hand, he did his best to force a smile for the camera. Her big blue eyes lit up and she squealed a little before rapidly nodding her head ‘yes’. He slid the ring on her finger and she hugged him tightly, rising on her tiptoes to kiss him. 

 

He stood there, shocked and rigid. The cameras cut and he peeled himself out of her grasp as politely as possible. Ruby wasted no time in shifting back into her agent persona. The remaining agents posing as camera crew members set down their equipment and surrounded Tamara. A brief flicker of genuine surprised crossed the assassin’s features, but she was quick to clam up as David read her her rights. Ava tugged both him and Elsa out of the way and he watched as Tamara was handcuffed and dragged away.

 

When he looked over to Elsa, her jaw had dropped and once again that spark of guilt ignited within him. She deserved to know the truth. Relationship status aside, he refused to lie to her the way everyone had to him.

 

So he told her. He explained that he had been an unsuspecting dupe until recently as well. Regina had fooled him into participating in the show and using him to help the FBI set up a sting operation. It felt important for her to know that. She was stunned, and probably a little overwhelmed. It was a lot of information to take in. He further explained that both Emma and Ruby were agents trying to find proof of Tamara’s involvement in his assasination plot.

 

The unasked question filled the air between them, until the tension became too much for him to bear.

 

“I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you.”

 

There were no other words to express how awful he felt for leading her on.

 

“Can I ask you something?” Hope sparkled behind her eyes.

 

He nodded, still unable to speak.

 

“I know that you don’t really feel anything for me yet, but are you willing to try?”

 

“I don’t-”

 

Her face relaxed a bit. Even now she had an oddly calming effect.

 

“I don’t mean that I want to you to force yourself to feel something for me. Just that I want you to stay open to the possibility. As I understand it, and perhaps I’m wrong, it’s been a few months since I read the participation contract, but I think we have to remain engaged for at least six months. So for the next six months, I’m just asking that you don’t shut me out.”

 

He took a deep breath, and then another while her carefully thought through his wording.

 

“I can’t promise that I’ll fall in love with you. My heart has been beaten up pretty badly in the past, and I can’t promise that I won’t shut you out, but I promise I’ll try.”

 

Her blue eyes lit up, and for all of the anger and confusion warring inside him, he couldn’t help but wish that it had been green eyes staring back at him. And that was possibly the biggest problem. For as hurt as he was, and as broken as he was, he still loved Emma, and he didn’t know how to stop.

 

Before they could say anything more, Ruby approached them explaining that they were taking Tamara to the FBI headquarters for questioning. Killian and Elsa would be following behind them a few minutes later to ensure that Tamara didn’t make a last ditch effort to kill him. Ruby wanted to put as much space as possible between them, but wanted Killian somewhere safe where she could keep an eye on him for the time being.

 

Ten minutes after Ruby left with Tamara, two men in suits found Killian and Elsa and escorted them outside where a black SUV was waiting. They climbed in the back, while the agents climbed into the front seats, and began heading towards the general direction of Robin and Will’s office.

 

The scenery was actually quite beautiful. The view from his window was nothing but water as far as the eye could see. The waves lapped up to the shore line before receding and eventually returning. The afternoon sun left a sparkling gleam. He’d been slightly hungover when he had arrived the first day, and each time Will or Ruby had snuck him off the property it had been too dark for him notice. Now, with Elsa sitting next to him, he couldn’t help but look outside, to look anywhere but at her.

 

They were about three miles away from the mansion, still on a seldom used road, when he was ripped from his thoughts by a loud noise. The SUV began to swerve and suddenly he was tumbling. The SUV rolled; he lost count of how many times. Everything stilled. His vision was blurry and a sharp piercing pain stabbed at the left side of his face. It took him a moment to come back to himself, to realize what was happening, and by then it was too late.

 

He looked over to find the door next to Elsa being ripped open and a man forcibly removing Elsa. He thought she was screaming, but everything was still so muddled in his mind. She thrashed, and the man brandished a gun, and Elsa went still, fear coloring her face. He tried to help her, but his seatbelt was stuck and he couldn’t get out. His limbs were dead weight anyway, and eventually he succumbed to the fatigue. Everything went black. 

 

* * *

 

“What do you mean ‘they ’took him?”

 

“They! Him. Her. Does it matter? Someone took him and they’re going to kill him if they haven’t already.”

 

“So we’re too late then?”

 

Emma had never wanted to throttle August more in her life than she did in that moment. They couldn’t be too late, because the implications of that statement were too much for her heart to bear.

 

“How long has your boyfriend been missing?”

 

Emma’s mouth fell open. No one had ever outwardly referred to him as her boyfriend, not her anything. She snapped out of it quickly though, remembering the seriousness of the situation.

 

“I don’t know. Ruby was running back into the interrogation room, and Will was in a hurry as well, but I don’t think they know much.”

 

She could feel her heart rate speeding up and was certain that it was going to explode at any moment.

 

“And they’re in the interrogation room now?”

 

She nodded at Aladdin. He seemed calm, too calm.

 

“I can work with that.”

 

He clicked away, spinning in his chair and working away at three different keyboards. Before she knew it, the screen to the far right was tapped into the interrogation room camera. The very secure - but apparently not nearly as secure as she believed - camera.

 

“Do you do this often?”

 

“Semantics,” he shrugged. “Your definition of often and mine probably differ greatly.”

 

She was thrown. There was something about his arrogance that put her at ease, which she found upsetting. She didn’t need to be bonding with someone while Killian was possibly fighting for his life.

 

Instead she chose to focus on the screen closest to her. Aladdin turned up the sound a bit before turning back and working on something else. Ruby was coming at Tamara with everything she had. Emma had seen Ruby confronting suspects before, and she knew how fierce Ruby could be. Robin and Will were both leaning against the wall behind Ruby as a show of solidarity, but Tamara didn’t seem phased, and Emma knew that they weren’t going to get anything out of her.

 

It was completely frustrating, sitting on the sidelines, helpless to do anything of value. She didn’t know how to hack computers, she couldn’t be in the interrogation room, and there was nothing left for the files to reveal. She felt like a failure, and Killian would suffer for her incompetence.

 

“I may have something.”

 

Emma never let her eyes leave the screen as Aladdin spoke.

 

“I found the origin of the payments. The account paying your girl there,” he said as he head nodded towards the screen, “belonged to Malcolm Gold, but there’s another account financing him.”

 

“Whose account?”

 

It was the first time August had spoken since he had insinuated that Killian was already dead.

 

“Hold your horses. I just found the account. It’s based out of London, but it’s going to take me a little bit longer to get into the bank’s systems. They’re a little bit more complex than the FBI’s.”

 

Emma wasn’t sure if it was a low blow, or a cheeky comment meant to entertain her, but either way she was unamused. Her thoughts though were focused on something else he said.

 

 _It’s based out of London_.

 

London, where Killian lived before he came to Boston. Whatever the reason for the hit being issued stemmed from before he came to the states. Emma thought back through the files. So much of what they had compiled was filled with his life in the past two years, since the anonymous threats hadn’t started until after he had become a local fixture there.

 

She knew little about his time there. Regina had succeeded in burying everything about his life in an effort to hide his indiscretions with a Milah, a woman still married to a wealthy and powerful man.

 

Shit.

 

“I need one of your computers.”

 

“Whoa, whoa,” Aladdin started as he stood and placed both hands in front of him. “No one touches my equipment but me. It’s the one rule I won’t break or bend.”

 

“Fine.” She was beyond frustrated but didn’t want to waste anymore time. “I need you to look someone up for me.”

 

Aladdin considered her for a moment before nodding at he to approach.

 

“Name?”

 

“Milah.”

 

“Milah…?” He drew out the last syllable.

 

“I don’t know her last name. Just that her first name was Milah and that she lived in London. She was murdered two years ago in Reading.”

 

He scrunched his brow.

 

“It’s a long shot but okay.”

 

Emma was pretty sure it was anything but a long shot. While Killian’s participation had been erased, from what he had told her it had been headline news. Her husband was the head of a major music label and something the murder of his wife wouldn’t be easily swept under the rug.

 

“Holy shit.”

 

Emma was snapped out of her thoughts by August’s exclamation.

 

“What?” 

 

* * *

 

It wasn’t sudden like in the movies. He didn’t gasp back into consciousness with the alertness of a shot full of adrenaline. No, it was slow, and painful. He had to fight the heavy lead feeling that kept his eyes shut. He wanted nothing more than to drift back off to sleep, but the left side of his face was throbbing and he didn’t know why.

 

He tried to move his hand up to his face to inspect the damage, but he found he was unable to move any of his limbs. Worry started to take over his body. When was the last time he’d felt like this? The hospital, as his was pumped full of medication that left him nearly catatonic. Was he still there? Had everything been a dream?

 

Using the very last of whatever energy he had left he forced his right eye open, expecting to find himself surrounded by machines and wires. Instead, there was nothing but beat up plaster and weathered wooden beams. He tried to turn his head, but the pain only became more intense. His body instinctively tried to call out, but the sound was muffled. He’d been gagged with something. He could taste blood though, and when his head fell back toward his chest, there was red staining his shirt.

 

Eventually the pain became too much and the blackness overtook him once again. 

 

* * *

 

Seeing his face in black and white on the screen. She was stunned. Robert Gold was Milah’s husband. The same Robert Gold that had hired Neal to seduce her and defraud her entire case against him. The same man that had, in a roundabout way, destroyed her career.

 

_Small world._

 

“Em, what’s going on? How is he related?”

 

Emma just shook her head at him. Although she’d promised to give him all of the case details for his help, this was the one thing she wasn’t ready to reveal. It wasn’t hers to give away.

 

His mouth opened and she was about to stop him, but before she could a loud beeping started. Aladdin turned to another screen where a light was flashing.

 

“Well I’ll be a son of a monkey. Guess who the account belongs to?”

 

She didn’t need to. Robert Gold. He was still pissed that Killian had slept with his wife and had ordered the hit. She wouldn’t have been surprised if the crazed stalker attack that resulted in Milah’s death hadn’t been directly related to him as well.

 

Out of the corner of her eye she saw movement on the far screen in the interrogation room. The door opened and someone Emma didn’t recognized handed Will a folder. He flipped through it and his face dropped, causing all of the air to rush out of her body. She knew that the green folders were reserved for the techs that combed over the crime scene.

 

Ruby looked to him and Emma could tell that he was apprehensive.

 

“They’re still working on it but the blood in the back was from two different sources, and they said it was a lot of blood, even for two people. If they aren’t already dead from blood loss, they will be soon.”

 

Will tossed the file over to Robin and stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind him. Emma couldn’t blame him; she was pretty sure that if she were in his shoes, her fist would have already knocked Tamara out of her chair.

 

“Emma.”

 

It wasn’t a question, or a demand. August’s voice was small, and she knew that whatever he was about to tell her wouldn’t be good.

 

“You should come look at this.”

 

Giving herself a moment to fight off the tears she felt prickling the corner of her eyes, she looked up to the ceiling and blinking everything away. Once she felt confident that she wasn’t going to start bawling in front of August and a strange man she still hadn’t made her mind up about yet, she went to look over Aladdin’s shoulder.

 

Just when she thought things couldn’t get any worse, Aladdin and August had found another picture of Robert and Milah Gold, a family portrait of them sitting behind a young man that she recognized all too well. Neal Cassidy.

 

“His real name is Baelfire Gold. He’s their son.”

 

 _Small fucking world_.

 

Neal, or apparently Baelfire had spoken of his parents often. His father was a cruel man who cared more about money and power than he did about his wife or child. Neal hated the man with everything he had, but Neal rarely spoke of his mother. Only that she was kind but that she hadn’t been present for the later half of his life. She traveled a lot and looked for excuses to be away from home, for which he blamed on his father.

 

Thinking back, she should have realized. Neal had left her life in such a disastrous state, and after years of searching for him, she had been certain that she was never going to see him again. But then he waltzed back in, and was so nonchalant about seeing her, like he hadn’t wrecked her, like he hadn’t destroyed everything about her.

 

Of course he’d come back because he was somehow in on the plot to kill Killian.

 

A loud noise from one of the speakers startled them all. Will had rushed back in telling both Robin and Ruby that they’d gotten a tip that someone saw Killian being hauled off into a building out in Taunton, about fifty minutes south of Boston. It was an old abandoned hospital that had closed down in the mid seventies. A fire had destroyed the main complex but there were still a few outlying buildings that could have easily housed an evil maniacal lair.

 

Ruby told another agent to keep an eye on Tamara and not to let her leave the room. Emma couldn’t see her once she left, but she knew that Ruby, Robin, and Will were going after Killian, and she needed to be there when they found him. Alive or dead, she needed to see him for herself.

 

She didn’t give any thought to the two other men, grabbing the flashlight again and turning to head back to the car, but Aladdin called out for her. She didn’t want to stop, to be delayed, but there was something in the tone of his voice that forced her feet to stop moving.

 

“It doesn’t add up.”

 

“What do you mean? Someone saw Killian being carried inside.”

 

“Can I tell you a secret?” Emma was on her last straw. “The key to thievery is misdirection.”

 

He tapped away at a few more keys.

 

“Something feels off. There’s nothing here to support that anyone would take him there. There’s no electricity running out there, water, anything a person would need to survive. Whoever took him wouldn’t stay there.”

 

“Assassins don’t need electricity or water to murder him!”

 

“If someone just wanted to kill him, they would have left him in the SUV. They want him for something else, and I’m telling you, they didn’t take him there.”

 

That made sense. She might have realized it herself if she hadn’t been so caught up with worry.

 

“Okay.” She paced in a circle a few times, trying to think everything over. “You said Gold was paying out another account. Whose is it?”

 

She had her suspicions, but she needed Aladdin to confirm it first.

 

It didn’t take long. The payments were to a Baelfire Gold. Of course they were. So Neal had Killian. Now they just needed to find Neal.

 

“Food.”

 

Emma tilted her head at August. What he really suggesting that they break for dinner now?

 

“He’s gotta eat. I’m guessing if he’s laying low, he’s not going to go far to get his meals and maybe even gas for his car, so if she can just track down where he ate, we can narrow down the area he’s hiding out in.”

 

Emma took a deep breath. She needed to get her shit together. She was ready to snap and think the absolute worst of everyone.

 

Soon enough, they had it narrowed down to a four block radius based on his purchase history. Emma relied on her training to further narrow it down. It would likely need to be sound proof, so the construction would have to be thick stone or concrete. It would need to be as isolated as possible, so something detached. August had suggested looking up recent deed changes, but Emma’s eyes were drawn to a large building. In and of itself, it was nothing special, but it fit all of the parameters, and judging from the windows that had been boarded up with plywood, it had long since been abandoned. The Hotel Alexandra. After looking up the deed info, they discovered that it had been purchased years before by the Church of Scientology, but they had left the property to ruins due to financing issues. Neal wouldn’t have had any issues breaking in and holding Killian there.

 

Emma barely heard August call out to her to check the trunk before she was halfway down the hall, almost to the steps. The hotel was less than two miles from the abandoned station they were using, but it would still be faster to drive. Along the way she called Ruby. There was no answer but Emma left a message explaining that the place in Taunton was just a smoke screen and that they were actually holding Killian in Cambridge, or at least she was ninety-nine percent sure they were. She purposefully left out how she had come about her information. After all of his help, the last thing Emma wanted was to cause trouble for Aladdin. Unfortunately, she knew that the team would almost be to the hospital and it would take them too long to get back. She was going to have to go in alone.

 

She had to force herself not to clamp down on the brakes so hard that she squealed as she pulled up. She needed to hold on the the element of surprise for as long as possible. The building looked just like the month old pictures. Everything was dirty, mud caked onto the stone, rust covering the metal flashing. If she wasn’t so concerned with Killian, she might have taken the time to ponder how such a beautiful building could be left in such derelict.

 

There wasn’t any real parking so she pulled August’s car further up the street and parked halfway on the sidewalk. Worst case scenario she would have to pay him back for the towing fee, but it was nothing compared to Killian’s life.

 

She’d almost forgotten August’s advice about looking into the truck as she ran towards the building, but after doubling back and popping it, should couldn’t have been more grateful to him. There were two bullet proof vests sitting on top of some black pants and hoodies, a crowbar, and gloves. She’d need to have a talk with him about that, but it could wait. Quickly clipping the vest clasps around her torso, Emma slammed the trunk shut and headed back to the side of the building.

 

The ground floor of the building was mostly stone, with no windows to provide access in. She peeked around the corner, looking at the front entrance, two large glass doors in the center adorned by two windows on each side. But that would be too obvious, to much risk that someone may see her. Heading back around to the side of the building, she found a loading bay door. The back of the building was attached to another set of apartments, leaving the large metal sheeting the only option. It would be loud, but perhaps if she could just prop it up enough, she could roll under it.

 

Looking around, Emma found a street cone that if tipped on it’s side could work perfectly. The remaining issue was getting the door open. The lock appeared easy enough to pick, but she was out in the open, on a well traveled street. Anyone traveling by would have been suspicious, and while she was eager to have backup arrive, the last thing she needed was the Boston PD showing up and charging in and Killian getting caught in the cross-fire.

 

Emma cursed as she reached into her back pocket for her lock picking tools only to remember that they were sitting on top of a work table in Aladdin’s makeshift hackers den. She wanted to scream, to kick and punch anything that moved and then scream some more, but she couldn’t.

 

Balling up both of her hands into fists, she let her head fall back and summoned some mystical force to help her. After a few deeps breaths, something in her clicked and the frustration once replaced by determination. Praying, she tugged at the bottom of the door, hoping against all hope that it was unlocked, or maybe just a piece of crap. Luckily the gods were in her side, as the door creaked and moaned from disused as it slowly rolled up. She paused, listening for any noise from inside, any indication that someone had heard her. Once she felt confident that no one was coming, she pulled it up a little higher and jammed the cone into place to hold it up.

 

It was eerily quiet inside. The door had led to a loading room, and with the limited amount of light fluttering in, it was a struggle to make it across the room without kicked debris that had been left behind by the previous owner or the random beer cans that had either be left by mischievous kids having a party or homeless people looking for shelter. She considered using her flashlight, but it only had one supernova light setting.

 

At the opposite end, she found an old metal door that was thankfully unlocked as well. It opened into a hallway. She was cautious as she made her way down the hall, once again listening for sounds. The walls were stained, and the threadbare carpet smelled like urine. It was exactly the type of place she would expect to find Neal squatting in.

 

The further she got towards the end of the hallway, the more sunlight began to light the way. It opened into a grand foyer. To her left were two elevators, both useless with the lack of electricity. A few deserted shops littered the perimeter. There was also a grand staircase leading to a second floor. She considered it for a moment. The building was over thirty thousand square foot and held fifty rooms. She didn’t have time to check them all one by one, while simultaneously avoiding Neal and whatever other occupants might have been squatting there.

 

She thought back to the search parameters she had listed off when searching for the building. He’d need a quiet place to hold Killian, and although the place was spacious, the wooden boards covering the windows wouldn’t provide enough sound proofing. It needed to be something more isolated, like conference room, or - _the basement_. It was underground, surrounded by concrete and dirt. It was perfect. Now she just needed to find it.

 

The back hallways were a mess. Even with renovations, much of the hundred and fifty year old building still retained much of it’s original structure, which meant everything was one huge maze. It wasn’t until she her third turn that she found a door that opened to stairs leading down instead of up.

 

She crept down the stairs in tiptoes, feeling the plastered walls, letting her hands guide her. It was pitch black, and she was still reluctant to turn her flashlight on. Unfortunately, the staircase let out in the middle of a hallway, and faced with the unknown, she was forced to turn it on.

 

Cobwebs lined the ceiling, and the cracked uneven concrete floors were damp in spots. It smelled of mold and Emma felt the need for an immediate shower. She’d never been a fan of confined spaces, having been locked into more than her fair share of small rooms during her foster home days, and if it hadn’t been for Killian, she probably would have turned and run already.

 

Emma steadied herself, pushing down the feeling of panic that was trying to claw its way through her, like a nightmare taking hold. Any minute now she was certain a monster was going to jump out of the darkness and murder her where she stood.

 

Deep breathes. In and out, in and out. He needed her. She could do this. Emma shook it off and looked out in both directions trying to figure out which was to go first. There was something in her gut, a tug that pulled her left. Following her instinct, she veered left, staying against the wall, and pointing her flashlight at an angle to try to minimize the light reflected. She passes a few doors, but quickly dismissed them as they were still covered in years worth of dust.

 

At the end of the hall though, there was a shiny knob protruding from the only door not hidden away by webbing. Emma placed her ear up against it, and when she didn’t hear voices, she reached for the knob and turned it slowly.

 

Broken. That’s all she felt when she saw him slumped in his chair in the middle of a room. There was light creeping in through three small hopper windows at the top of the wall, enough light that she didn’t realize she had dropped her flashlight at the sight of his beat up body. She didn’t even look around the rest of the room, years of training evaporating in an instant as she just ran to him.

 

There was blood running down the side of his face and down his shoulder. It was enough that it hadn’t fully dried and caused her alarm. His left eye was swollen shut and small cuts adorned his neck and arm. Someone had shoved a rag into his mouth to gag him.

 

“Killian?” she whispered as he hands hovered over his cheeks, afraid to touch him.

 

When he didn’t respond, she called him louder, taking his face fully into her hands. It was slow, the way he came back to life. His grunts were muffled as she pulled the cloth from his mouth.

 

“Killian?” she tried once more.

 

He stirred more, peeling his right eye open. She could tell he was dazed. There were whimpering moans that she was sure he wasn’t even aware his was making, but the moment he realized she was there, the blue in his eye intensified.

 

“Emma?”

 

“Hey, I’m right here. I’m gonna get you out here, okay?”

 

“You shouldn’t be here.”

 

His voice was rough and it broke her heart.

 

“Did you really think I was just going to let them hurt you?” A small chuckle escaped her mouth, relieved that he was still there.

 

“You’re impossible.”

 

 _And I’m in love with you_. She hadn’t said it since Neal, and admitting it to Killian was something monumental. She hadn’t ever even said it to Walsh. It was on the tip of her tongue, the courage building within her, spurred on by the fear of losing him and never having said it, but his voice cut through interrupting her thoughts before she could.

 

“Where’s Elsa?”

 

And then she remembered; Killian not only hated her, but he was engaged to another woman, the woman he was currently asking for. In her worry, Emma had forgotten than she even existed, or that she’d been taken with Killian.

 

Emma glanced around the room but Killian was the only one there.

 

“She’s not here.” Her voice was so quiet she wasn’t sure he could hear her.

 

“He grabbed her too. He’s got to be holding her in another room.”

 

“Okay, let’s get you up and we can go look-”

 

“No!” A growl escaped him. “Find her first.”

 

Emma had to choke back a sob. Seeing how concerned he was for Elsa nearly broke her. He loved her. Elsa was everything that Emma could never be, of course he was in love with her. She was beautiful, kind, talented, and she’d never hurt him.

 

“Ya, okay.” Her voice was breaking, so she chose not to say anything else.

 

Elsa was probably in the same type of room at the opposite side of the hallway. If she ran, it wouldn’t take her long to get there and to get back to Killian. Before she turned to leave, Emma unclipped her bullet proof vest and worked it around Killian’s torso to protect him until she got back. He was still fading in and out of consciousness. She gave him one last glance before grabbing her discarded flashlight and bolting out the door.

 

She nearly stumbled down the hallway, her legs wanting to buckled underneath her. Everything was falling apart and she had to shove her fist in her mouth to block out the cries coming from her broken heart. Even if she saved him, she was still going to lose him.

 

Her body wanted to betray her, it wanted to crumple onto the floor and give up, but she pushed through, her training taking over forcing her to move. Just as before, all of the doors leading to the end of the hallway were covered in soot, and it was only the door at the far end that showed signs of use.

 

She listened again, this time hearing muffled whispers and a female voice. Her hand was reaching for the doorknob when she heard a shot ring out. Without thinking she yanked the door open to find Elsa standing over a body in the middle of the room, a pool of crimson growing at her feet.

 

“Elsa?”

 

Elsa turned, obviously shocked by Emma’s presence. She had some of the same cuts and bruises that littered Killian’s body, though her’s seemed thankfully more superficial. Killian had apparently taken the brunt of the injuries - unsurprising, given the bounty on his head. Elsa dropped the gun and her entire body started shaking. Soon sobs filled the room and Elsa fell to the floor.

 

“Hey, it’s okay. I’m going to get you both out of here.”

 

Emma walked over to Elsa and placed both of her hands on her shoulders. Despite her own feelings, she remembered August and the way he’d fallen apart after seeing Malcolm’s dead body. She could only imagine what he was like for Elsa, knowing the shock and self blame that was sure to follow.

 

Taking in the room, looking for anyone else, Emma noticed that this room held more stuff than the one she had left Killian in. There were silver trays stacked on a shelf, a bag of greasy takeout food and two cups on one of the desks scattered around. Something was bothering her but she couldn’t place it. She hadn’t seen Neal anywhere yet, and it worried her.

 

“Come on, I want to get out of here before anyone else shows up.”

 

Elsa’s body was still shivering but she looked up at Emma and nodded. Emma held her hands out and helped Elsa off the floor, leading her out of the room. There was another take away cup sitting on the shelf by the door tucked in between the scattered plates, and Emma had that feeling away. Something wasn’t right. She stared at the cup as she walked towards the door, when a flash of movement caught her eye.

 

She moved just in time for Elsa’s knife to miss her back. She turned and took a step backwards, avoiding another lunge.

 

“ _What the hell?”_

 

Emma moved to pull her gun from the back of her pants, but Elsa dove for her and both women were knocked to the ground. Elsa’s hand came around Emma’s neck, but Emma was able to hit her elbow and the reflex forced Elsa to let go. Emma was able to get her leg up and kicked Elsa in the stomach, knocking her backwards. Emma’s head was throbbing from where it had hit the concrete as she fell, and her vision blurred for a moment.

 

It was enough time for Elsa to regain her footing. She came at Emma again and kicked her in the ribs, knocking the air out of her. When Elsa’s right leg moved back to kick again, Emma yanked her left foot forward knocking her down. Still feeling winded and dazed, she crawled away, trying to put some distance between her and Elsa.

 

_How the fuck had no one known that Elsa was a ninja assassin?_

 

“You couldn’t just let it go.” Elsa sounded as exhausted as Emma felt. “You had to come back for him.”

 

Emma’s mind raced as she tried to make sense of what was happening. “But the car? Why would you crash the car?”

 

“I’m not stupid,” Elsa snorted, giving a brief glance to the body growing cold on the floor behind her. “I couldn’t just flat out kill him in front of everyone. This way I’m just an innocent victim, a bystander.”

 

“Why are you doing this?”

 

Elsa laughed, something dark and evil.

 

“Not all of us got adopted by nice, well-rounded families, Emma.”

 

Elsa’s knowledge of her background threw her. It shouldn’t have, though; Neal knew it all, and of course he had told.

 

“Sometimes, life just sucks and you have to take what you want if you want to survive. Not everyone can become a perfect little FBI agent, doing what they’re told and not giving a shit about punishing the real scum of the earth. No, _some of us_ have to do that job for you.”

 

“As a cold blooded hitman?”

 

Emma used Elsa’s distraction to move further away. Her gun had become dislodged during their scuffle and had slid across the room, but the knife Elsa had branded was almost within reach, if she could just get to it before Elsa could.

 

“Are you not listening? I only go after people who deserve it. Men who beat their wives, rape other women,” she paused. “Men who break up happy families.”

 

She gave Emma a wicked grin and Emma immediately knew that she lumped Killian in with the last group, despite that Neal had been an adult as the time and Milah had clearly been unhappy. In Elsa’s warped mind though, she just saw a homewrecker who broke everything.

 

“So what? The world was mean to you as a kid and now you’re punishing the rest of us? Taking out hits on innocent people and pretending that you’re some sort of vigilante? Boo hoo. Shit happens, but you get over it.”

 

“They’re not innocent! None of them are!”

 

Emma knew it was a low blow, and that childhood pain wasn’t anything that you just got over. She wasn’t over being abandoned as a baby, and she had no idea what the the full extent of Elsa’s story was. She just needed to keep her distracted.

 

It was too far though, and Elsa lunged for her. Emma’s body was sluggish, and it took everything she had to dive for the knife, turning and plunging it into Elsa’s stomach just in time. Elsa gasped and pulled back. Emma’s grip stayed firm on the knife though, and with Elsa pulled back, she clutched her belly, but blood quickly filled her hands and ran to the ground. Elsa fell to her knees before slumping over completely.

 

Emma scrambled to get on her feet, moving and picking up her gun in case Elsa came at her again. She didn’t move though, her body lay still, no signs of breathing. Emma didn’t waste any time heading back to Killian, leaving Elsa’s body behind.

 

Her head was foggy, pain coursing through it in waves. As she reached back her ribs pulled in protest, likely broken from being kicked. Her fingers made contact with the back of her head and it stung. When she pulled them back they were covered in red.

 

Everything was starting to catch up with her, and it was only her power of will that kept her going. She needed to get Killian to safety before falling over. Her legs felt like lead as she nearly dragged herself back to the room. She cracked the door open and walked to him, determined to get him untied and drag him up the stairs as soon as possible. She hadn’t even realized that his gag was back in place until she heard his muffled screams. His one good eye widened and he started fighting against his bindings, and then the door shut behind her.

 

“Hey, Ems.”

 

Emma whipped around, suddenly spurred on by a rush of adrenaline at hearing his voice. Her hand tighten on the grip of her gun.

 

“Ah, aah, ahh. Not so fast, Emma.”

 

Her heart was thrumming in her chest.

 

“Drop it, babe.”

 

She hated him. She hated that he still called her by the endearment he used to use, that he always seem to leave her life in ruins. But right now what she hated most was that he already had a gun pointed straight at her. She knew she wouldn’t be able to move fast enough to clear his aim, and her vest was wrapped around Killian, leaving her vulnerable. She had no choice but to toss the gun to the side.

 

“Hey,” he started again as he took a few steps towards her. She tried to move back, but her body was nearly frozen in place. “I’ve missed you.”

 

She snorted in contempt.

 

“Ya, you missed me so much that you used me and ruined my career. You missed me so much that you just disappeared in the middle of the night without a trace.”

 

All of the years of anger came rushing back, and she wanted nothing more than to thrust Elsa’s knife into his heart.

 

“Ems, I couldn’t stay. What I did, it was to keep you safe.”

 

She laughed, something crazed bubbling from within.

 

“I’m serious. You don’t get it, do you? He was going to kill you, put a contract out on you just like he does everyone else. I couldn’t let that happen, so I made a deal with him. What I did, it kept him happy and you safe. I was so in love with you.”

 

He stepped forward again. “I still am.”

 

Ironic how the words she had longed to hear for so long now only sickened her. She watched his lips curl up at the end, the added wrinkles from stress crossing his face. He’d been handsome once, or she’d just been blinded by her feelings for him, but now, with nothing but resentment, he was just a man who looked like he’d lived a tough life.

 

“You could have told me, warned me!”

 

Angry tears were starting to spill over.

 

“I know you. You’re so head strong. You wouldn’t have stopped. I needed to do something drastic.”

 

She heard Killian’s mumbles coming from behind her and she averted her gaze, not ready to face Neal yet.

 

“And what? You see me with someone else and suddenly find a reason to come back into my life?”

 

“You don’t know how hard it’s been staying away from you. Watching you with him,” Neal continued while nodding towards Killian. “He destroyed my family, took my mom. It’s his fault she’s dead.”

 

“It’s not, though. _He_ didn’t kill her Neal. That person is serving a life sentence in a mental institution.”

 

“No!” Neal’s facade broke and his face filled with fury. “If she hadn’t been there on that bus with him, she wouldn’t have died. If she had been at home where she belonged, she’d still be alive. It’s all his fault. And now- now he’s trying to steal you too.”

 

Did he really think she belonged to him in someway? That she’d ever go back to him?

 

“No, Neal. You can’t steal what isn’t yours. You had me! You’re the one that left, you threw me away!”

 

She could feel the tears flowing down her cheeks.

 

“I didn’t though. I kept you safe. Can you honestly tell me that you don’t love me anymore? Can you tell me that you don’t even think of me, and what would have happened if things had been different?”

 

“I did love you, and I did think about you. I daydreamed about all of the what ifs. What if we have moved down to Tallahassee when you suggested it? What if I had been assigned to a different case? What if you hadn’t left? I think we could have been happy.”

 

The truth was, she had thought about it. The ‘what ifs’ had kept her up more nights than she could count, and their time together had been happy for the most part. But then he had left and destroyed everything they had. There was no going back.

 

“We can still have that. You and me. We can run away, somewhere where my dad can’t find us, start that family we talked about. Emma, Don’t throw your life away for him.”

 

“Neal.” Her voice cracked and he took is as a sign, shuffling closer to her.

 

“Come with me.”

 

The damn broke, and she took a step forwards, placing her hands over his.

 

“Neal, if you had said that to me a few years ago, maybe even a few months ago, I probably would have walked away from everything, no questions asked. But now I’m different. I don’t love you, not anymore.”

 

“Emma, don’t do this. Do you think he loves you? That he gives a shit about you?”

 

“Honestly? I don’t know, if I were him, I’d probably hate me, and I can’t blame him after everything I’ve done. I turned into you. I lied and deceived him, and I told myself that it was okay, because I was protecting him, but in the end, I just hurt him more. He has every right to hate me,” she paused, the emotion too much. “But just because he might not love me - even if he hates me - it doesn’t mean that _I_ don’t love him.”

 

She didn’t know if he heard her, but letting the words out released something in her. She loved him, and that was everything. He was everything. She needed someone to know, even if that meant it was just Neal and God that heard her last confession.

 

Surging with every bit of energy she could muster, she grabbed at his gun. He was caught off guard, but he was fast and recovered quickly. She gave it everything she had as they fought for control, and when the gun fired off not one, but two rounds, she was shocked to see the life draining out of eyes. He slumped and she let him go. She let go of her anger, her pain, the hurt. She let go of it all, only letting the love remain.

 

Her body had nothing left to give and she almost fell as she made her way to Killian, pulling the gag from his mouth again. She reached around to work at the knots holding his legs in place when she heard him yell her name.

 

She turned to find Neal, sitting up, point the gun at her. Another shot rang out and Neal fell over, the wound in his head finally doing him in. Perched in the doorway was Ruby. Emma continued to loosen Killian’s binds and Robin and Will rushed in to help hoist him up.

 

“He needs to be checked out.”

 

“Ya, ya, we’ll get it. You’re not lookin’ so good there yerself.”

 

It was probably the first time Will had ever showed her any genuine concern.

 

“I’m good, just get him checkout. I’ll be there in a bit.”

 

Will nodded and together, he and Robin helped pull Killian’s limp body out of the room. He’d given into his injuries not long after Neal had hit the ground.

 

“What were you thinking coming in here alone?”

 

She felt the guilt tug at her, watching the worry in Ruby’s face.

 

“I couldn’t wait for you guys.”

 

Ruby took a deep breath.

 

“When we get out of here you’re going to tell me everything, including how you found this place, and how you knew where we were going.”

 

Emma chuckled.

 

“Now, come on. We still need to find Elsa and clear the rest of the building.”

 

Emma laughed a little harder. She explained to Ruby that Elsa had been in on the whole thing, that she’d just been slightly more patient than Tamara. It wasn’t until she heard Robin on Ruby’s radio telling her that they were on the way to headquarters and had a medic on standby to check Killian out there, that she moved to stand.

 

Walking, even staying upright, was a struggle, and as they hit the top of the stairs, it all become too much, and Emma was forced to lean against the wall. It was too much, and she gave in, slide down the wall. Ruby gasped, finally catching on. Emma was certain that there was a smear of blood running down the wall above her.

 

“Oh my God. Emma!”

 

Ruby reached for her radio and immediately called for the paramedics. She’d felt that first shot, she knew that it had pierced something in her chest, but when the gun had gone off again, and Neal had fallen over, Emma’s resolve was focused solely on getting Killian to safety. She had blocked out the burning sensation, but eventually the adrenaline had worn off, and her organs had began shutting down. The black shirt had helped to conceal the wound long enough for Killian not to notice.

 

“Ruby, I need you to promise me something.”

 

“No. No. No. Don’t do that. Don’t make me promise you something over your deathbed.”

 

“Ruby.”

 

“Emma, stop it. You’re going to be fine!”

 

“Please Ruby. Just in case.”

 

Ruby was crying, something Emma had never seen her do before. She’d always been the emotional rock.

 

“He can’t know.”

 

“What?”

 

“Killian. He can’t know. He’ll blame himself.”

 

She thought back to Milah, to the night on Killian’s boat when he had told her of Milah’s death. Of the pain he had felt knowing that he was unable to save her, and how it still plagued him, even now. She couldn’t put him through that again.

 

“Tell him-” Breathing was a chore, and she was so tired. “Tell him I left. That I went undercover. Don’t tell him I’m dead.”

 

It would be better if he hated her. He could move on from that.

 

“No, You’re not dying.”

 

“Ru- Ruby- Please.”

 

Ruby’s tears turned into sobs, her body wracked with them, as Emma pleaded with her eyes.

 

“Okay, Ya, I promise.”

 

It would be better this way.

 

She felt her heart slowing in her chest. Her body no longer noticing the chill that had set in. Her lungs stopped filling with air, and finally her eyes fell shut. Black. Everything just went black.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always feel free to come yell at me on tumblr: wellhellotragic


	26. 26

 

**Present:**

 

There had been days after Milah’s death where the world had seemed to come to a complete stop. Seconds had lasted an eternity. But even as the world around him had appeared frozen, Killian’s pain had seemed to only intensify, becoming unyielding. He could remember every detail about laying in a hospital bed, listening to the machines, the murmured conversations outside his private room. He remembered the sound of the rain beating against the window, the smell of the stale cafeteria food. But mostly he remembered the feeling of helplessness. Knowing there was nothing he could do to bring her back.

 

None of the pain, turmoil, or agony he had experienced over the years could have prepared him for the sight before him.

 

There were words, whispers traversing the air like secrets traipsing through realms, passing so near and yet so far that they were nothing more than mumbles lost to time. Things like “we’re losing her” and “it’s time.” None of them held weight, none of them were worth consideration. None of them felt real.

 

Nothing had ever hurt so much.

 

Once again, time stood still. The beeping of the machines seemed to slow to an almost infinitesimal rate.

 

* * *

 

**Three days earlier:**

 

Robin and Will had rushed him from the building so quickly that he hadn’t had a chance to speak to Emma. Perhaps that had been a good thing; hearing her confession had been something that he had longed for, but that had been before. Before the betrayal, before the pain, before he chose to walk away. Now, it only served to cut away another slice of his heart.

 

The problem was that in that instant, the moment the words had left her lips, he had wanted to forgive her. He had wanted it to be the end of weeks worth of torture, to feel her wrapped in his arms again, her warm breath on his neck. But that was the problem. They had just been words - spoken to another man, no less - and as much as he wanted to believe her, the past still taunted him.

 

Milah had said those things too, once upon a time. She’d lay next to him in bed, and they’d planned all the things they’d do together. Even after he had found out that she was married, she’d told him that she had been working on a plan to leave, and that she wanted to be with him. Those were just words too. She’d never left, always full of excuses. She’d left scars around his heart and his mind, and try as hard as he might, he couldn’t differentiate between Milah’s lies and Emma’s.

 

What he needed was time to wade through the muddled mess in his mind. Well that, and for the P.A. stitching up his face to take a breath mint.

 

Will had stayed with him the entire time, insisting on protection or something close to that. Even with Tamara in custody and Elsa and Neal dead, they still weren’t sure who had initiated the contract, nor did they know how many more potential hit-men were after him.

 

There had been talk of witness protection the minute they’d gotten him into the car and sped away from the worn out building. He’d refused - adamantly. He wasn’t going to let some anonymous coward hiding behind money disrupt his life. Not that it would have mattered - everything he had was in shambles. Still, if things were going to change, they would happen on his terms. No one else’s.

 

Even though he had vehemently shot down the suggestion, Killian could still see the desire to bring it up again in Will’s eyes. So he kept looking forward as the medic asked him to follow his

finger, checking for God only knew what kind of damage. He had a headache, and the side of his face had definitely seen better days, but he was alive. Physical pain was easier to endure.

“How’s Emma?”

 

It was the first thing he’d said since they’d started to check him over. As muddled as his thoughts were, there was a part of him that cared for her, about her. He’d seen the red marks on her face, the way she’d limped into the room. He’d seen her fight with Neal. He could have sworn that his heart had stopped the minute the gun had gone off, both Neal and Emma’s bodies falling in slow motion, not knowing which one of them had taken the bullet. When the second shot had sounded, he had watched helplessly as her eyes had gone wide. Neal’s body had shuddered, and everything sped up. He had thought in that moment that he had shouted, but he had been nearly removed from himself at that point. It had been as if he had been watching from far away. Emma hadn’t moved, and Neal’s just laid above her, watching her.

 

When she had finally pushed Neal off her small frame, Killian snapped back into himself, and relief had flooded his body. It had only lasted a moment, and then Neal had begun moving as she had knelt next to him to undo his ties, his heart sped up, almost beating out of his chest. The adrenaline had thrown his body off, and the shock of everything left the rest as a jumbled blurry mess.

 

She’d passed him off to the agents that had dragged him from the building, he knew that much, but he couldn’t remember the rest. There was a car, and then Robin and Will’s office. Everything before and after the fight was fleeting.

 

Still, he knew that she was just as bad off as him, if not worse and was probably in need of medical attention as well. If he had learned anything honest about her, it was that she was stubborn and probably wouldn’t let anyone touch her until everything had been wrapped up, not wanting to relinquish control or to seem weak.

 

“You know her. She’s tough.”

 

Robin’s voice didn’t hold it’s normal tone of certainty or joviality. Before Killian could question it though, Will had reappeared and whispered something in Robin’s ear. Robin excused himself to follow his partner, but not without commanding Killian to stay put and do as the medic ordered. They left the room, and though they were just out of earshot, Killian could still make out the low tone of their hushed whispers. Whatever it was, it was serious.

 

When Robin returned, his face was down-turned and his gaze wouldn’t meet Killian’s. He wanted to ask, but was too afraid of the answer. Even without asking, he knew their entire operation had gone to shit, evidenced by his battered state and the fact that he was currently confined in an FBI office. Instead, he followed the instructions given to him to lie back on the bed of an overly large piece of medical equipment. He laid there for an eternity and the machine moved his body backwards, and lights began flooding his face.

 

He was tired. He’s body was exhausted from the physical damage that had been inflicted on it, but more than that, he was emotionally drained. It didn’t help that he wasn’t allowed to sleep yet. The more than that, he was emotionally drained. It didn’t help that he wasn’t allowed to sleep yet. The physician’s assistant that had checked him over had given him the clear, but Will had insisted that he stay up for a few more hours just to be sure. Every time his eyes started to fall shut, he’d end up on the other end of Will’s poking stick. A crude contraction made of the unused chopsticks from all of their stake outs.

 

Killian was so tired, he’d even forgotten that he was supposed to be angry at Robin and Will. It just took too much energy to keep up with it, so he let it go. He wanted everything to be done, to fade into obscurity.

 

Hours passed since he’d been given the okay. He’d been excused Robin brought him to a conference room, where he remained poring over files. Graham had remained distant for the most part, but had left no uncertainty with Robin. They had 48 hours to figure out who was after Killian. After that, he didn’t want to waste any more man power. Something about money and resources. Killian knew the truth was that Graham just couldn’t stand the sight of him - the man Emma had picked over him.

 

Confusion still rang in his ears.

 

Had she picked him over Graham? The surly Irish man had certainly seemed to think so, or else he wouldn’t have been acting like a toddler watching another child play with his favorite toy. Still, Killian wasn’t sure that she had picked him - not as anything more than a job, an assignment. Gods, nothing made any sense anymore. Not even her words to Neal.

 

… _it doesn’t mean that I don’t love him._

 

“Jones!” He was startled from his musings to find two pairs of eyes focused on him.

 

“What?”

 

“I asked you,” Will started slowly, “if you wanted to go back to your apartment tonight with a protective detail or if you wanted to stay at my place.”

 

He didn’t say anything, and Will’s eyes narrowed.

 

“So, my place or home?”

 

Home. It’s all he’d wanted for months. To sleep in his own apartment, surrounded by his own things, to sleep in his own bed. So why did the phrase ‘home’ suddenly sound so wrong to him?

 

* * *

 

**Present:**

 

“Miss Lucas?”

 

Ruby stood from the chair opposite him.

 

“Yes.”

 

“I have some forms that I need you to sign.”

 

He could feel Ruby pacing behind him, but he kept his focus on Emma. Watching. Waiting.

 

Hoping.

 

“If you’ll come with me, we have everything set up in a conference room.”

 

He felt Ruby’s eyes on the back of his head, waiting to see if he was going to join her. He probably should have followed as bid of emotional support. But then again, he should have done a lot of things.

 

“I can’t. I can’t leave her.”

 

The door to the room opened and closed, and the sound of footsteps drifted down the hall.

 

Watching. Waiting. Hoping. Failing.

 

* * *

 

**Two days earlier:**

 

Killian had chosen to sleep at Will’s that night. He’d tried to tell himself that it was because he wanted to avoid paparazzi and fans, but the truth was he simply couldn’t face his empty apartment. It was haunted with the ghosts of his past. Memories of one night stands in an attempt to dull the pain of losing Milah. He should replace those sheets. God, he should really just burn the mattress.

 

The memories of of his past love life weren’t the only problem. His future plagued him as well. Long ago, he’d imagined bringing Emma back there, the first tentative steps at introducing her into his life. Daydreams of Emma wearing one of his shirts as they stumbled into the kitchen, their bodies fused together. Her, sitting at the island stealing pieces of bacon off of a plate while he cooked eggs. Her toothbrush lying next to his on the sink counter.

 

No, it was easier to stay with Will, where the only memories were of him throwing up in the bathroom after one too many drinks. That he could face. Not that it mattered. Sleep was fleeting and he spent most of the night turning over Emma’s words in his head.

 

… _it doesn’t mean that I don’t love him._

 

Every minor detail suddenly became monumental in his mind. The way her skin had shivered that one night as his lips had brushed down her neck as he’d undressed her. The way tears had fallen down her face as she’d tried to wake him, thinking he was dead. The way she’d looked at him pleadingly just before he had turned and walked away.

 

But then his mind would turn traitorous, remembering she way her voice had been calm as she’d talked to Neal, able to hide her true emotions from him so she could get close enough to grab his gun. The way she’d lied to him for weeks like it was second nature. How could he believe anything she’d said to him?

 

When his alarm had finally gone off, he’d already been dressed, ready to face the day. More files, more questions, more dead ends. Will had driven him to the office, and they’d spent hours pouring over whiteboards, trying to connect Tamara and Elsa to any mutual associate. Eventually, hunger edged out frustration and Robin suggested that they go out for lunch, to take a break and clear their heads.

 

They’d chosen a small dinner, one that Ruby had taken him to before. It was a well-established haunt for cops, and therefore, seemed like a safe place. The lunch itself had been uneventful, aside from Will complaining about his need to use the loo on the ride back, but the return to the bureau was anything but. As soon as they opened the door to the lobby, shouts filled the room. Will grabbed Killian by the arm and tried to pull him back towards a corner of the lobby, but Killian pulled back. He was tired of hiding, and with no end in sight to what was happening, he was ready to face things head on.

 

He brushed through the crowd that had gathered, shouldering excited onlookers who were watching with fascination at the commotion play out. When he finally made his way to the front, he stopped in his tracks, causing Will to crash into the back of him. Robin must had seen the way he tensed up, asking him who the man was.

 

His stomach tightened and jealously flooded his entire being.

 

August Booth.

 

He didn’t know much about the man’s relationship with Emma - only the pieces that Emma had supplied him with - and while she insisted that their relationship wasn’t romantic, Killian would have been a fool not to think that there was a strong level of intimacy there. August was the man Emma turned to in times of crisis. He was her anchor to the world, and Killian hated him for it. Hated that August knew her better, had her trust, had a history with her.

 

And with that came a realization. Despite his confusion towards his feelings for Emma, one thing was clear. He couldn’t stomach the idea of her with another man, sexual or not. He wanted to be the one she turned to, he wanted to be the one to break down her walls. He wasn’t ready to let her go.

 

“Who the fuck is that?”

 

Robin’s brass language had left Killian slightly stunned. They were all exhausted, and he knew that there had been a certain level of tension between Robin and Regina in the past few weeks over him, but he’d never heard the man speak in such a way without three drinks in his belly.

 

Shaking away his shock, he found his voice again.

 

“His name is August. He’s a friend of Emma’s.”

 

“Shit.” Not having recovered from Robin’s first outburst, Killian snapped his head at the man. “Stay here. I’ll take care of this.”

 

Killian tried to take a step forward, but was stopped with Will’s hand on his shoulder.

 

“Mate, you don’t want ta do that. Just let Rob handle it.”

 

There was something in Will’s eyes that Killian couldn’t quite place. Like a sad mixture of guilt and anger.

 

“What aren’t you telling me?”

 

“He’s a reporter.”

 

It was something Killian already knew. Emma had told him him of how she’d shared information on cases with him in exchange to access to informants, though he doubted Will knew that. He’d probably just assumed that Will was protecting him from an overzealous journalist. Killian opened his mouth to tell him as much when it hit him.

 

_Bloody fucking hell._

 

He was a reporter, he’d been there that day at the distillery, talking to Emma. Ruby had told him that she was still working the case and was putting herself in danger. He’d been a bloody fool not to connect that to August. But how much had she told him?

 

God.He’d opened up, told her everything. Shared the darkness of his heart thinking that they were something, that she’d take his secrets to the grave. She’d probably spilled everything to him. How could he have been such a idiot to trust her?

 

Whatever lingering bit of jealousy that had still been swimming through his blood was quickly replaced by fury. He wanted nothing more than to connect his fist with August’s jaw. With Emma’s sudden leave, it was the closest thing to closure he’d get.

 

After what appeared to be a heated exchange, Robin returned long enough to tell them that he was going upstairs to get Ruby, and to order Killian to stay with Will. The minutes stretched out though, and Killian knew it would take awhile for either Robin or Ruby to return, and Will was nearly bouncing on his feet.

 

“Fuck, mate. Come on.”

 

“What?”

 

Will only nodded towards a restroom sign.

 

“Mate,” Killian scoffed, “I’m not a woman, and I’m not joining you in the bathroom.”

 

Will huffed out an exasperated sigh. “An I’m not leaving you alone, so unless you want to stand in a puddle of piss, you’ll come with me.”

 

Killian squared his shoulders.

 

“You realize where we are right? Smack dab in the middle of a building full of agents. Do you really think I’m in any danger right now?”

 

He watched Will’s face morph from exasperation to pure desperation, and saw the exact moment he’d won the battle.

 

“Shit. Stay here, and don’t go anywhere near that mess!”

 

Will didn’t even wait for a response before jogging off to the bathroom, and Killian wasted no time standing around. Seven steps. That all it took before Killian’s fist was clenched and pulled back, ready to launch itself at August’s jaw. His mistake though was catching Booth’s eyes. The dark bags under his eyes made him pause just long enough for his senses to kick in. Beating a man to a bloody pulp in a building full of law enforcing people wouldn’t have done him any favors.

 

“What the hell are you doing here?” he growled out instead.

 

“So you’ve heard of me I take it.

 

Yup. She’d definitely told him all of his secrets.

 

“I’m only going to ask you one more time. What are you doing here?”

 

“I’m looking for Emma. She didn’t come home last night and-”

 

The word home reignited the flame in him and he cut August off, letting him know that Emma had taken another undercover assignment.

 

“I’d think you of all people would have known that. Maybe you’re not as great at your job as you thought.” He kept his voice as light as possible while still conveying his condescension.

 

For his part, August just chuckled silently.

 

“Ya man. Whatever helps you sleep at night.”

 

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

 

August snorted in indignation.

 

“Come on man. I’ve read the tabloids and we all know what they say helps you sleep at night. How many women have you fucked since her?”

 

Killian could feel his fist balling up again, and before he knew what was happening, there was a cracking sound and August was on the floor.

 

“What the hell man?”

 

August’s hand came up to rub his jaw and Killian felt a certain amount of smug satisfaction.

 

“Did you guys have fun laughing at me behind my back?” Spit flew from his mouth.

 

“You think that’s what we did? Believe me, we did way more than just sit around talking-.”

 

His implication made Killian’s blood boil and he launched himself. Everything was a blur after that. Something hard hit him in the face. His hand collided with August’s face once again, and he was pretty sure he got a good hit into the man’s gut as well. He was seconds away from kicking the man too when two sets of hands pulled him away.

 

He’d probably have a black eye, but his teeth were all there and he’d drawn blood from August. He considered it a win even if it did get him locked up. Will was somewhere trying to talk security down, and some random agent was in the process of dragging August away to stuff his nose with toilet paper, but it didn’t stop him from shouting out one last taunt at Killian.

 

Robin was shouting at him, but he didn’t care. For the first time in weeks he felt like he’d accomplished something, taken back some measure of control over his life.

 

It wasn’t until he got back to Will’s that night and he was taking off his shirt that he heard the small clack of plastic hitting hardwood. Looking down he found a small flash drive with his name written on it. He flipped the drive over in hands until he was sure that Will had gone to bed. Slipping out into the living room to locate Will’s laptop, he placed the thumb drive in one of the free usb ports and opened the file containing it.

 

The file was a mess. Dozens of files with names that he didn’t understand, but one file popped out.

 

 

> _Open me first._

 

A video appeared, frozen on a still of August. The mouse hoovered over the play button and Killian hesitated, not knowing if he wanted to know that August had to say. Curiosity won out eventually and after he’d turned down the speakers to avoid waking Will, he hit play.

 

 

> Killian. You don’t know me so allow me to formally introduce myself. I’m August Booth, a good friend of Emma’s. She asked me to give you this in the event that she didn’t make it. Last night, she didn’t come back to my apartment, and I haven’t heard from her since she left to find you. I know her and she wouldn’t just disappear, so I can only assume she’s gone.
> 
>  
> 
> I want to begin by saying that Emma was fiercely protective over you. I’ve known her since we were kids, and I’ve never seen her like that before. She wouldn’t tell me anything about you. At first, I thought that you were just a dirty little secret of sorts, but now I understand. You see, as kids living in a group home, if you didn’t hide your stuff, the older and bigger kids would take it. I think that mentality embedded itself somewhere deep inside Emma. She was always hording small things without ever realizing it. Poptarts, pens, books. You name it, she collected it and hid it away. And she kept you a secret because she didn’t want to lose you. You were the love of her life.
> 
>  
> 
> The thing is, even though she didn’t tell me anything, I managed to piece together enough. On this thumbdrive, you’ll find all the evidence you need to convict the man trying to kill you. The problem is that it would mean exposing your past. I promised Emma that I wouldn’t write the story, and I’ll honor that promise. The ball’s in your court, Jones.

 

Killian sat back in the couch, completely stunned.

 

* * *

 

**Present:**

 

“I know I told you before, but I’m going to tell you again just to make sure you understand. After I turn the machines off, I’ll remove her breathing tube for you.”

 

Killian caught Ruby’s head nod sadly from the corner of the room, but he kept his gaze focused on Emma. Her hand was small resting limply in his.

 

“Everyone’s different. Sometimes it happens immediately, and other times it can take weeks. Given that Emma’s not shown signs of breathing on her own, I feel confident in telling you that it won’t take more than a few minutes.”

 

Killian wanted to scream, to kick everyone out of the room. He wanted to keep her safe in that moment forever. His voice was caught somewhere in his throat. No sounds came.

 

* * *

 

**One day earlier:**

 

The thumb drive had haunted his dreams. He’d tried to open the folders, letting the mouse hover over each of the files, but the guilt of not having trusted Emma, and having hit August twisted his stomach in knots, and he just couldn’t bring himself to look at any of it. Couldn’t dredge up even more of his past.

 

Instead he tossed and turned all night trying to decide what to do with it. What little sleep he managed was filled with nightmares of that day in the warehouse. The way Emma’s face fell as he’d asked about Elsa. The way she placed her own kevlar vest on him. Something felt off, and when the morning came, he threw it in his pocket, unwilling to leave it at Will’s apartment. It was still niggling at the back of his mind from August’s message hours later, even after stacks of surveillance files had been gone over for the eight time.

 

_I know her and she wouldn’t just disappear._

 

He’d easily accepted Robin’s explanation at the time. Emma had told him that she was a runner when things became too intense. It had seemed logical that she’d run from him, but now that he was really considering it, the logistics were all wrong.

 

She’d quit, Ruby has told him as much. She wouldn’t have been able to go on assignment so quickly without coming back in for paperwork. And then there was what August had said. Even if she was running from him, why wouldn’t she had at least called August to tell him it was over and that she was okay.

 

And where the hell was Ruby? Robin hadn’t mentioned anything about her going undercover, but he hadn’t seen her since the warehouse. Shouldn’t she have come and checked in with the others?

 

But whenever he asked Robin or Will about it, they gave him the same speech, as if it had been rehearsed. “Emma’s undercover.” “Ruby’s still going over the crime scene.” He may not have had Emma’s super-power, but he knew he was being lied to.

 

It wasn’t until Regina arrive an hour later, eyes puffy and red, that he got an answer. He watched as she talked to Robin in the corner, something that seemed to be a heated discussion if their flailing arms were any indication.

 

“I just need to see him for myself.”

 

“Regina,” their voices rose as they continued to argue. “We’ve talked about this.”

 

“God, can’t you just trust me?”

 

When Regina finally approached him, it was with caution. She took the chair beside his and placed her hand over his.

 

“I’ve made a lot of mistakes over the years, especially when it came to you. I thought I was protecting you by keeping all of this from you. Scared that if you knew, you’d retreat back into a bottle and I’d lose you forever. I was wrong though, and I took something away from you, and I promised myself that I’d never do that again. That I’m never take away your choice again.”

 

Killian flexed his jaw, unsure of where she was going with it.

 

“Robin and Will were just honoring her last wish, so don’t be mad at them. It’s not their faults.”

 

He felt the air rush out of his lungs, leaving behind a burning sensation.

 

_Her last wish._

 

“I guess she thought it would be better if you hated her, easier for you to move on or something. She didn’t want you to have the guilt of losing another person you loved, so she asked them to lie to you.”

 

“Regina. What are you trying to tell me?”

 

Fuck. He already knew, but he needed to hear the words.

 

“There was an extensive amount of damage done during the fight. Head trauma.”

 

Somewhere he’d known that. He’d seen the red marks on her face, the blood tinged in her hair, but he’d pushed that back, unwilling to think about it.

 

“She was also shot at some point. The paramedics took her to the hospital. Her heart stopped, and while they managed to restart it, they weren’t sure what effect the oxygen deprivation might have caused. They did some scans or something, and found out she had a lot of swelling in her brain. She was rushed into surgery, but as I understand it, she still hasn’t woken up. And they don’t think she’s going to.

 

He nearly fainted. His heart sped up to an unbearably rate, he felt the blood rushing through his ears.

 

 _She wasn’t going to wake up_. And he’d been such a fucking idiot believing that she’d left him, that she’d abandoned him. He’d cursed her name, left her to waste away in his mind, and the whole time she was in the hospital fighting for her life.

 

It hadn’t taken much convincing to get Will to drive him to the hospital. He was sure his face reflecting the fury he felt inside at being betrayed yet again by his friends.

 

His brain was still having difficulty trying to reconcile everything before him. The jargon the doctor had rambled off. The bruises that had settled into her delicate face, bruises that hadn’t been there when he’d last seen her. The last time he’d really seen her at least. According to Dr. Whale, that woman - the fierce protective, guarded, strong woman that he had come to love - was gone. All that remained now was shell of her. A living corpse as someone had put it.

 

She was there, and yet she was gone, and he couldn’t process it. He couldn’t fathom that she wasn’t in there, he couldn’t believe it. Wouldn’t believe it. She was a fighter. His Emma was stronger than that, yet everyone had rolled over so quickly, ready to leave her for dead.

 

* * *

 

**That morning:**

 

He wasn’t sure what had originally put him off of the doctor. Perhaps it was something to do with his urine colored hair, his pale flesh that spoke to someone only half of this world. Maybe it was his off color sense of humor, but something about the man had set him in Killian’s bad graces long before he’d ever even suggested that they remove Emma from life support.

 

When Ruby hadn’t immediately snapped at him the day before, he’d almost lost it. Ruby was supposed to have been Emma’s champion. The one person in the world that would be there for her. Lord knows that he’d already failed her time and time again. Emma deserved better, better than him, better than Ruby, better than everything this world had given her.

 

Maybe that was the issue though. The world had brought her nothing but suffering and pain. Was it selfish of him to want her to stay. To believe that she was somehow better off still in the world. Of course it was selfish. He wanted her in the world because he couldn’t imagine a life in which she wasn’t there.

 

“I know this can be a hard decision, and as Emma’s designated health care directive agent, this put an enormous burden on you, but my professional opinion is that she’s not likely to wake up. Her MRI scans came back showing dark spots.”

 

Killian watched as the man pointed to three small black circles on the computer screen.

 

“These are areas where her brain is dying, likely from mini strokes. Even if by some miracle, she did pull through, there’s no guarantee that she’ll have an quality of life.”

 

Ruby nodded her head, and Killian had to place his hand in her lap to stop her from fidgeting with her own hands, pulling on a hair band on her wrist tight enough to leave red marks.

 

“How long do I have to decide?”

 

Killian felt his gut turn, completely floored by the fact that Ruby was even considering the option.

 

“You have as long as you need, but if you’re going to do it, it would be kinder to do it soon. She’s not in any pain, we’ve given her medicine to make sure of it, but she’s already gone.”

 

“Midnight.”

 

Killian snapped his head up, unsure if he’d heard her correctly.

 

“We’ll give her until midnight. That will have been three days.”

 

Ruby gave him a small smile as if that somehow made it better that she’d effectively given Emma a death sentence.

 

“Ok, I’ll prepare the paperwork and a nurse will come and get you in a little bit.”

 

He wanted to say something, anything, but his voice was caught in his throat. Instead he turned back to Emma and silently pleaded with her to wake up.

 

Hours passed, the sun set, and only the ambient light from streetlamps filled the room. Ruby had gone to get coffee in the cafeteria, placing to agents outside the door, leaving him alone with Emma for the first time.

 

Still unsure over what to say, he fumbled slightly over his words.

 

“You once told me that you always felt like you weren’t enough growing up. Not good enough for your parents to keep you. Not lovable enough for friends. Not smart enough to see through Neal. My father left when I was very young. Then I lost my mother, and my brother. Even Milah. I was always told I was too much. Too much trouble to take care of. Too much trouble for a sick mother. Too much responsibility for my brother. Too needy for Milah. Too much drama for the band.

 

“My whole life, I’ve been too much, until I met you. I think you were meant to come into my life. Somehow my ‘too much’ and your ‘not enough’ made us just right.”

 

Slowly he used his free hand to reach up to his neck, where he pulled a long chain over his head. He stood, and carefully placed the necklace around Emma’s as delicately has he good.

 

“This is the reason I’m still alive, or at least it might be. It belonged to a better man than I. My brother Liam. It’s the reason I’ve survived all the years, and now I’m giving it to you. Because I need you, Emma. I can’t do this without you. So please come back to me. I love you.”

 

There was a light knock on the door startling him. The door slid open and Ruby joined him with two cups of coffee.

 

“It’s going to be a long night. I thought maybe you could use some caffeine.”

 

Killian ignored her, but she wasn’t dissuaded as she set his cup in a table next to him.

 

“It was probably Emma’s main vice. I mean, giving up tequilla would have been difficult. But caffeine? No, she would have drawn the line there.”

 

A light chuckled escaped her lips and Killian snapped.

 

“How can you do that? How can you stand there and joke about her when you’ve just given her an expiration date?”

 

Ruby sighed and took a seat on the other side of Emma’s bed.

 

“You’re mad at me.”

 

“She’s your best friend. You’re meant to fight for her. How could you just give up so fast?”

 

He had to fight back the swelling of tears.

 

“I’ve known Emma a long time now.”

 

Killian huffed, as if somehow the length of time she’d known Emma negated anything.

 

“We had been partnered up for a few months, and we were friendly, but she still kept parts of herself back from me. Or at least until one night when we went drinking after a particularly difficult assignment had wrapped up. We were searching for a teen runaway and we had reason to believe that she’d be forced into prostitution. We finally found her and sent a lot of bad men to jail, but we were too late for the girl. She’d died of a drug overdose alone in a notell motel room, and something in Emma broke that night.”

 

Killian looked up to find Ruby watching Emma’s face.

 

“I took her out drinking, and that was the first time she really opened up to me, telling me about her own childhood and growing up in the foster system. She ran away a lot herself, and by some dumb-luck and sheer strength of will, she was one of the lucky ones. She eventually found the Swans and things got better. But before that, things were a mess. The Swan’s house was the first place she’d ever stayed for any amount of time. When I asked her about it, she told me she could always tell in the first three days what a place was going to be like. She always knew within three days if it was time to move on.”

 

_We’ll give her until midnight. That will have been three days._

 

Realization. In three days, Emma would have decided whether or not it was time to move on.

 

* * *

 

**Present:**

 

“Are you ready?”

 

Ruby must have nodded again, because soon Whale had walked up to one of the machines on the other side of Emma. It was fast, too fast. The lights on the machines turned off, and the buzz emanating from them silenced. Her body shook as Whale removed her tube.

 

_Too hard. He was handling her too hard._

 

Most of the machines had been turned off, only leaving one to silently monitor her stats. They waited, as her heartbeat slowed.

 

“It won’t be long now.”

 

He felt the single tear fall down his cheek as his grip on her hand tightened. Unable to do anything more than be there with her, a single thought repeated in his head.

 

_I’m sorry. I’m so sorry._

 

The wait was agonizing. Seconds morphed into years as he watched, clutching her hand, trying to push his life force into her body somehow. It didn’t work though and her body remained as lifeless as it had been since she arrived.

 

He heard the squeak of Will’s shoes from down the hall, causing his heart to beat faster. His 48 hours was up too soon.

 

“Come on mate. The car’s here. It’s time.”

 

“Please, I just need a few more minutes.” As hard a he tried, he couldn’t hold his voice steady.

 

“I’m sorry man, but we can’t wait.”

 

When Killian didn’t make a move to leave, Will stepped forward and placed his hands on Killian’s shoulders, pulling back trying to urge Killian to come with him. He wouldn’t budge though, and soon Robin was by Will’s side dragging him from the room. He held on to her hand for as long as he could until her fingertips fell from his own.

 

It took everything he had to keep himself together. Schedule be damned, he wasn’t ready to leave her. He’d vowed to be there until the end and he couldn’t bare to break another promise to her.

 

“No. No. Please. I can’t leave her. I need to stay until she’s gone.” Tears were streaming down his face. “Please!”

 

He broke.

 

“Mate,” Robin started softly. “She’s already gone, and she wouldn’t want you to see her like this. She wouldn’t want you to put yourself through this.”

 

“I don’t know how to say goodbye.”

 

“Then don’t. Honor her. She’d died to keep you safe, and now you need to get in that car. Let her death have purpose.

 

His breathing was erratic and he felt like he was going to faint in the hallway. Everything was wrong. Everything. wrong. Everything.

 

Robin was right, though. They had gone through so much to save his sorry skin, and he needed to keep going for Emma. She wouldn’t have wanted this for him.

 

He followed Will and Robin down a long hallway that lead to a supply access door in the back of the hospital where a black SUV was waiting.

 

“This won’t be forever. We’ll get him. I promise.”

 

Every part of him was numb and he could do little more than nod at Robin. Will held the door open for him and he slid in, ready to face the unknown. The SUV started up and he watched as both men stepped back from the car. Sorrow clouded them as the vehicle inched forwards before coming to an abrupt stop. Killian rolled down the window and held his fist out to Robin.

 

“Give this to Ruby. She’ll know what to do, and if she has any questions tell her to contact August.”

 

Robin took the thumb drive and Killian rolled the window back up, turning his body so that he was forced to look away from them.

 

* * *

 

**3 months later:**

 

Three months had passed. Thanks to the witness protection program, his was forbidden from have any contact with anyone from his old life, Will and Robin included. The first few weeks had nearly killed him. Every moment ate away at him as he thought about Emma, wondering about her. It was hard enough knowing that she was gone, but it was the not knowing that rattled him the most, twisting his insides. Had it been peaceful? Had there been there any pain? Where was she even buried?

 

Will had promised that they wouldn’t rest until Gold was behind bars and all of his assets were frozen.

 

_“You’ll be home before you know it and we’ll all be back at the Rusty Anchor gettin’ some pints for New Years.”_

 

Killian knew better though. Promises were all fine and dandy, but they weren’t set in stone. The agent that had been in charge of his transportation and settlement had giving him a more realistic expectation. They may never catch Gold. After all, he was in another country, subject to extradition, and even though the states and the U.K. had a good relationship, there was still red tape, and the staggering reality was that Killian may never be able to go home. He might now ever find out what happened. He might never get to visit her headstone and say all of the things he needed to.

 

Yes, it was those first few weeks that tore him apart. All of the revelations that came to him as he showered, causing him to break down and fall to the shower floor, sobbing like a child. The realization that she was truly gone. There were moments when he’d forget that she wasn’t there. He’d hear a song and think to himself that he needed to play it for her, he’d meet someone on the street that reminded him of the girls in the house and he’d make a mental note to tell her about it. But then he’d remember - she wasn’t there. He couldn’t tell her, and that’s when he’d break. Those were the moments where he knew how much she’d meant to him, and how he’d thrown her away when she needed him most.

 

Penance.

 

As the weeks turned into months, it became slightly easier. He got a job at the local music store. A small little building that housed a few guitars hanging on a wall in the back. The little seaside town they’d sent him to was barely a blip on a map. If any of the towns people had recognized him, they chose not to say anything. He began tutoring some of the smaller children. He still was unable to play a guitar for longer than two songs, but with the small children he didn’t really need to. The thirty minute sessions were on learning how to read sheet music and when they finally were able to move to the more physical part of playing, he’d stand beside them and help readjust their grips. It helped to pass the time, helped keep his mind occupied.

 

It also reinvigorated his love for music. After everything with Milah and the band, he’d set that part of his life aside. It only brought him sorrow and pain at the time. It was a horrible reminded, but now, now he was stronger. Meeting Emma had changed him, made him want to be better. It had changed his outlook as well. What once brought him sorrow, now felt cathartic. It was a way for him to channel all of his emotions into something productive instead of bottling it up and washing it down with rum.

 

Each day bled into the next. He established a routine. Work, home, bed. Work, home, bed. It was good for him. Even though he still kept to himself in his free time, it kept him from becoming a complete recluse. He’s new routine had become so ingrained in his mind that he barely even managed to register the ‘for sale’ sign that went up in front of the house next door, much less the sold sign that quickly followed.

 

When the moving truck appeared just as he was leaving for work a week later, he nodded towards the driver, but kept his head ducked and continued walking to the music shop. Nearly eight hours later, he trudged back to his small cottage at the edge of town. The moving van was gone, having already unloaded all of his new neighbor’s belongings.

 

If he had been a normal man, a whole man, he would have gone over and introduced himself, but he wasn’t. After three months of healing, he was still broken and wanted to be left alone. So instead, he slinked inside his house and turned off the lights for the fronch porch, hoping it would discourage them from seeking him out.

 

His house has a view of the harbor. Nothing too fancy, but enough that he could see the waves, smell the salt in the air. It was the only thing that was able to relax him after a particularly tedious lesson. Today had been particularly hard for him, and so he’d found himself sitting outside on his back porch, guitar in hand, as the sun began to set over the water.

 

There was something about his solitary life in this little town that made him feel open again in some ways. Especially when he was alone, strumming a tune. Around the two month mark, he’d found himself creating new music. Nothing spectacular, but it was real and it was raw, spurred on by his thoughts of Emma. It started as a small tune that he couldn’t get out of his head, and eventually turned into a sad little melody. Words followed. Not all of them, it wasn’t a completed song, but it was something. It was more than he’d had in years.

 

>  
> 
> _Darling, darling, you know that we are sold out  
>  _
> 
> _Kisses fading, but the band plays on now_
> 
> _We’re crying, crying, so let the velvet roll down, down_
> 
> _No heroes, villains, one to blame  
>  _
> 
> _While wilted roses fill the stage  
>  _
> 
> _And the thrill, the thrill is gone  
>  _
> 
> _Our debut was a masterpiece  
>  _
> 
> _But in the end for you and me  
>  _
> 
> _Oh, the show, it can’t go on  
>  _
> 
> _We used to have it all, but now’s our curtain call_
> 
> _So hold for the applause, oh_
> 
> _And wave out to the crowd, and take our final bow  
>  _
> 
> _Oh, it’s our time to go, but at least we stole the show  
>  _

 

He played the last note, finally allowing his eyes to open. The sun had set, his drink left abandoned on the ground in front of him. Just a song and the sea. Peace.

 

He’d been so lost in his thoughts that he hadn’t noticed the audience. A small figure - a silhouette in the dark - leaning against the fence surrounding the house next door. Not until there was a rustling sound when the figure shifted, leaning closer. He hoped that whoever it was would leave, take the hint that he wanted to be left alone, but the figure stayed. Feeling to emotional exposed from the song, Killian stood, grabbing the glass of water and turned to head inside - behind the walls that protected his heart.

 

“I hope she knows how lucky she was to have had someone like you.”

 

His jaw clenched at the feminine voice. It wasn’t the first time his mind had played tricks on him, and wouldn’t be the last, but in that moment, her voice was the last thing he wanted to hear. His guilt taunting him.

 

“So what happened? Did they find each other?”

 

Patience dwindling, Killian found himself inching closer to the fence line, determined to see the face of his demon temptress. To see that the voice was nothing more than a figment, just as it had been each and every other time.

 

“Aye, but only in death.”

 

He could barely make out any of her features, only the edges. The woman’s hair barely even skimmed her shoulders, her body small in stature.

 

“Now if you’ll excuse me.”

 

He turned to walk away, but she spoke again, this time sounding so familiar the hairs on the back of his neck stood on end.

 

“That doesn’t sound like a very happy ending. Why don’t you rewrite it?”

 

Something in him snapped.

 

“Because life isn’t always fair and you don’t always get the happily ever after.”

 

“All the more reason to write yourself the ending you wanted.”

 

He watched as the figure opened a gate and slipped through it, something shiny along her neck catching the light as she stepped closer to him. The dim glow coming from the kitchen light wasn’t enough.

 

“Something about fighting for what you want and getting what you deserve.”

 

His breath hitched and his eyes welled. It was impossible.

 

She stepped closer still, but it wasn’t until a boat coming in from the harbor showed it’s light just so, barely enough to illuminate her face, and his heart stopped.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always feel free to come yell at me on tumblr: wellhellotragic


	27. 27

 

**Epilogue  
**

* * *

 

He had questions. So many of them, but as his fingers found the hemline of her shirt, his brain lost the ability to form sentences. Instead, he was only able to string together a “bloody beautiful,” and “need you now.”

 

Emma didn’t seem to be faring much better as her responses barely constituted as anything more than sighs and moans. He’d ask her everything later. How she was there, how she found him, what it meant for their future. But first, he’d make love to her like his life depended on it.

 

When she’d stepped close enough for him to make out her face, he was sure it had been a dream, but she’d stepped even closer and he’d caught the scent of the perfume that was so decidedly her . His ring still rested around her neck, just barely peeking out over the top of her dress. Dream or no dream, he wanted her.

 

He leaned in and their lips met, tentatively at first, but soon they became a tangle of limbs and mouths and tongues. Using his bad hand, he pulled her closer so that their bodies were pressed together, competing for the same space. He let her form’s heat warm his cold, grieving heart. He finally felt alive again. 

 

That was, until her hand found its way to his chest and pushed against him, creating a divide between them. It was only inches, but for the confusion and panic he felt, it may as well have been the grand canyon. Had he overstepped? Had she not wanted him that way?

 

But then her hand found his and before he knew what was happening, she was pulling him back towards the back door of his house, then inside, where her lips quickly descended on his again. She tasted of peppermint and chocolate.

 

He’d meant to take it slow, to worship her, to prove his undying love to her, but as they made their way to his bedroom, shedding clothes in their wake, all hopes of slow and gently were lost. Fast and furious, a frenzy took hold over both of them. Afraid that, somehow, the other might disappear at any moment.

 

Emma hadn’t said anything more, but he could feel everything he needed to know in the way her fingertips scraped into his back. He could feel it in the way she pushed him against the bed, knocking him down against it. For his part, he gave as good as he got, catching Emma by the wrist, pulling her down with him, flipping them so that he was above her.

 

He’d waited months for this. Hell, he’d probably been waiting his entire life for Emma. Every horrible thing that had ever happened had brought her into his life and he couldn’t begrudge any of the pain he’d endured in getting there. Even the anger he’d felt towards Emma had disappeared. The moment he’d seen her lifeless in that bed, it had all drained from him, and he knew how foolish he’d been. He only wanted her, and now she was there, with him, he’d never walk away from her again.

 

She was warm and perfect around him. They were a perfect fit.

 

It wasn’t until later, much later, when they’d found their breath and steadied their hearts that he allowed himself to speak, to break whatever spell they’d found themselves under.

 

“Swan, not that I’m complaining, love, but how are you here?”

 

“Well, I was next door, and I walked over here and you know the rest.”

 

A small chuckle escaped his lips. It seemed that her deflective defense mechanism was something inherent in her, not just something she’d developed for the sake of her job.

 

“That’s not exactly what I meant.”

 

He felt her shift, pushing away from him on the bed, ever so slightly. Before she could slip away from him again though, he turned and caught her wrist with his scarred hand without thinking. The pain he’d always came to associate with it never came through, and he took it as a sign.

 

“Please, don’t. We’ve shut each other out plenty already.”

 

He felt her relax infinitesimally, but he could tell she was avoiding his gaze.

 

“What I meant, Emma, was that the last time I saw you, they were disconnecting your life support.” He had to take a deep breath before he could continue, the vision of her battered and bruised body before him. “The doctor, he said you were gone.”

 

His voice cracked and it was everything he could do not to start sobbing.

 

“He said you weren’t coming back.”

 

Now it was him that was steadfastly avoiding her face, avoiding the look of pity he might find there at his emotional display.

 

Silence.

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

It wasn’t an answer, but he knew that for now it was all he would get. He wouldn’t push, not this time. Not when he knew her still being there was a gift.

 

Eventually, her body moved closer to his, her head finding its way to his chest, resting just below his chin. The rhythmic sound of her breathing lulled him to sleep, and for the first time in months, he slept uninterrupted. No dreams. No nightmares. Just sleep.

 

She was still there in the morning. There had been a moment of panic when he’d awoken to an empty bed, and initially, he’d worried that it had all been a dream. The feeling had only grown as he’d dressed in his boxers and an old t-shirt, and made his way into his kitchen to find the rest of the house just as empty as his bed. It wasn’t anything new. He’d been fooled by his brain time and time before. Every quick glance at golden locks in the corner of his eye, every whiff of cinnamon at the bakery, it was all her, but not.

 

But just as he’d given up on the night before, his back door creaked open and emerald green eyes stared back at him.

 

“Oh, you’re awake. I- uh. I was trying to surprise you but you didn’t have any flour.”

 

It took his sleep addled brain a minute to piece it together, that she’d made him breakfast as a surprise. She was real. And he wasted no time.

 

The kiss was nearly bruising and the pancakes laid discarded on the table as he dragged her back to his room.

 

* * *

 

It took three weeks before she answered his question from that night. They’d formed a routine of sorts. He still worked at the music shop, giving lessons, though he no longer lingered afterward to help with extra advice. Emma was playing the part of a grieving widow from the city looking for a fresh start. They kept to themselves for the most part, only giving each other passing greetings in town, as any good neighbor would do. They took turns cooking dinner for the other. He learned that Emma had a fascination with home improvement shows. They’d curl up on the couch and watch television, or they’d curl up around each other in bed. Slowly they were learning about each other, the real parts. It was easy. It was perfect.

 

“I dreamed of you.”

 

They were lying in bed, and Killian had been nearly certain that she’d already drifted to sleep before she’d spoken.

 

“Hmm?”

 

Her fingers skimmed through the hair on his chest.

 

“When I was in my coma, I dreamed of you. You told me that we balanced each other, and you asked me to come back. I- I dreamed of what we could be, and I wasn’t ready to let that go yet. I realized I wasn’t ready to move on.”

 

_We’ll give her until midnight. That will have been three days._

 

Three days had come and gone, and Emma Swan had decided that he was worth staying for.

 

“I woke up two days after you were taken into protection. They said I was too weak to be moved, so I stayed in the hospital room, wondering where you were, and if you were alright. I laid awake at night wondering if you hated me.”

 

“Emma-”

 

“No, you would have every right to. I lied to you, and then I asked everyone else to do the same. The anger, anger at myself, is what got me through the physical therapy, through the nightmares, through the pain. I knew I deserved it, but I also knew I needed to find you and apologize. That you deserved to know that it wasn’t _all_ a lie.”

 

His fingers continued to stroke her bare back as he waited for her to continue, but she didn’t.

 

He needed to rip it off like a bandaid. They’d been dancing around the subject for weeks.

 

“Which part wasn’t a lie?”

 

Her hand stilled over his heart. He was certain she could feel it beating wildly in his chest as he awaited her answer.

 

“The part where I fell for you.”

 

She told him other things that night as well. She told him about how everyone has insisted that she enter witness protection as well, given that Gold was still in hiding and she’d been the one to kill his son. She told him that she’d called in every favor she could muster to get sent to his location. There was something about seizing all of Gold’s accounts, and British authorities getting involved as well, but it was all background noise. The only thing he’d heard that night was her telling him that she loved him.

 

Seventeen months. That’s how long they remained settled in their safe cocoon before their worlds were shattered again. Every news station had a picture of Robert Gold plastered for the world to see, the top headlines reading that Gold had been captured and indicted on bribery, money laundering, narcotics distribution, and a plethora of other charges. There had been mention as well that authorities were investigating his involvement in the murder of his wife. The headlines had failed to mention either of them.

 

Suddenly, the world had been turned upside down. With his capture, neither of them needed to remain in protective custody anymore. It should have been a great relief, but it only led to more questions. Questions about them, their future. If they even had one.

 

Emma’s life was in New York. She’d told him as much at one point. Her apartment was there. Graham had offered to reinstate her when everything was finished, and Killian wondered if she’d take it. They hadn’t discussed her job, but the idea of her going back undercover, seducing other men, sickened him. He wouldn’t ask her to turn it down though. He couldn’t.

 

After the trial, Emma followed him back to his penthouse apartment in Boston. They hadn’t really discussed it - staying together had just felt like the right thing to do at the time - but she found her way around the small space as if she had always belonged there. The problem though, was that he didn’t. Not anymore. That apartment had represented a part of him that he’d let go of. It was his anger, his self loathing. That apartment was his self-destruction and he hated seeing Emma there. Hated knowing that she was sleeping in a bed that countless other women who’d meant nothing to him had been in. He hated the shocked expression his doorman had every time he returned with Emma still on his arm. He hated meeting Will and Robin at the Rusty Anchor where women still brazenly came up to him looking for a quick romp in the bathroom.

 

He hated that apartment. He hated that city. He hated himself. 

 

* * *

 

There had been a plan. For weeks he’d carefully crafted every detail, but when it finally came time to ask, he panicked and blurted it out at her.

 

“Move in with me?”

 

“Um…” Her eyes had widened comically, and if his foot hadn’t been so far in his mouth, he would have told her how adorable she was when she was flustered. “I think I kinda already have.”

 

That wasn’t how it was supposed to go.

 

“No, I don’t mean-”

 

He couldn’t even finish his sentence. He needed to get a grip.

 

“Swan, I meant, let’s get a place together. A fresh start.”

 

He could see the comprehension dawn on her.

 

“Ok.”

 

His stomach relax a bit, but he still wasn’t sure how well she’d respond to the rest of his idea.

 

“I’ve been looking for awhile now.”

 

Slowly, he pulled out two folded sheets of paper from his back pocket. The first was of a victorian house, set away from any other homes. The description from the real estate listing said that the house had recently been remodeled. The siding had been painted blue while the window frames and picket fence where bright white. The inside still had a touch of character left over.

 

He laid it on the table and her fingers brushed against it.

 

“Where in Boston is this?”

 

And there it was. The million dollar question.

 

“It’s not actually in Boston.” His hand came to scratch behind his ear, and he knew the gesture would give him away to her.

 

“So then…” She drew out the words.

 

Gently, he pulled the listing towards himself, revealing the page underneath.

 

“It’s in Maine.”

 

It felt as if time had ground to a halt as he waited for her reaction.

 

“Is this real?” Her voice cracked slightly.

 

“It is, and it’s yours if you want it.”

 

The paper was a photocopy of a newspaper announcement. An add looking for applicants to replace the current sheriff who was stepping down after eight years on the job. The same sheriff’s position held by her adoptive father.

 

“I took the liberty of calling him. He remembered you and your father. He said he couldn’t think of anyone better for the job.”

 

She had tears in her eyes and he knew that he had overstepped in making the assumption that she ever want to go back to that town. He’d been so foolish, not considering the pain if might have caused her.

 

“I love you.”

 

She hugged him and finally everything felt right again.

 

“Are you sure you want to do this? Give up your life here in Boston?”

 

“Emma, my life is wherever you are. Your heart’s desire, Swan. That’s all I want.”

 

* * *

 

It took longer to sort everything than he’d expected it to. His apartment sold rather quickly, but they still needed to sort his belongings. When Emma suggested they keep his bed, he’d made up an excuse about it being lumpy on one side. It was a complete lie and they both knew it, but she didn’t question him.

 

Sorting out Emma’s apartment had been just as much of a mess. As it turned out, dead people didn’t need apartments or belongings. Ruby had saved what she could for Emma, but in order to sell her death to the world, most of it had been thrown out. They had needed Gold to believe that she was gone.

 

Storybrooke had been much the way Emma had remembered it. Her favorite diner growing up was still in the center of town, run but a krabby old woman. The grilled cheese was second to none, as Emma put it. There was an old pawn shop were they purchased a few trinkets for their new place. The artisan ice cream store often had a line out the door. The small town vibe was a welcome refreshment after years of living in the city. Almost as if they had found their safe place again. Somewhere where no one cared that he used to be a celebrity.

 

But it was the house that was most remarkable. The listing hadn’t done it justice. While the description said it was near water it failed to mention the stunning views of the ocean. At night he’d crack the window open to listen to the waves, and in the morning he’d wake to the small of the salty air.

 

Regina had arranged for his ship to be delivered, but as the house didn’t have it’s own dock, he’d moored it at the local marina. On the weekends he and Emma would take it out for the day, as he taught her to sail. Everything was perfect.

 

So naturally when he received a phone call at two in the morning, he knew everything was about to change again. It was Arthur, one of Emma’s deputies. He hadn’t even woken when she’d slipped from their bed in the middle of the night. He hadn’t realized she was gone until Arthur’s call telling him that Emma was in the hospital.

 

He dressed as quickly as possible, throwing on the first things he could find. None of it was warm enough for the cold autumn air, but he was too worried to notice as he sped to the only hospital in town. He’d hung up on Arthur right after he’d heard where Emma was, something he immediately regretted as his mind wandered through all of the possibilities. Had she been shot? Had there been a car accident?

 

He was a bloody mess screaming at the night nurses trying to find her. As they weren’t married, the nurse was hesitant to give him any information, but he continued to shout and eventually caught the attention of the deputy.

 

She was laying on a bed, wrapped in an awful hospital gown and everything came flooding back to him.

 

“I told him not to call you.”

 

“What?”

 

“It’s nothing really, just a small cut. Nothing for you to worry about.”

 

The love of his life was laying in a hospital bed again, asking people not to tell him, again.

 

“What happened?” He nearly growled it out in his frustration.

 

“The was a bar fight down at the White Rabbit. She took a beer bottle to the forehead while we were breaking it up. You should see the other guy though. She kicked his ass.”

 

“Can you give us a minute?”

 

He knew that Arthur meant well, but now that he knew Emma was safe, and that she’d purposely tried to hide where she was, all he could see was red.

 

“Emma Swan, you can’t just-”

 

Before he could say anything more there was knock at the door and nurse barged in.

 

“Well, Miss Swan. The doctor said everything looks good. He doesn’t think you have a concussion and your hand is likely just sprained, but given your condition, he doesn’t feel like it’s worth it to run any of the other tests. I’ll just give you a list of things to watch out for and if you experience any of them, come back in right away.”

 

“I’m sorry, but what condition?”

 

Had she hidden more things from his as well?

 

“Oh, it’s just the pregnancy. X-rays can be harmful to the fetus.”

 

“Whoa. Wait a minute. I’m not-” Emma cut herself off when he turned to look at her.

 

“Swan?”

 

He could tell by the look on her face that she was equally stunned.

 

“Hmm,” mumbled the nurse as she looked through Emma’s paperwork. “Ya, it’s right here in the blood work. Positive for pregnancy.”

 

Sensing the surprise she’d just given them, she quickly excused herself from the room.

 

“Swan, you’re-”

 

“I’m-”

 

Neither one seemed capable of completing full sentences.

 

“We’re going to have a little babe.”

 

He could feel the dopey grinned that spread across his face, but it was the small shy grin that reflected back at him that left him breathless. And if looks could kill, he would have died the happiest man in the world.

 

They were going to be parents.

 

Everything was perfect.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always feel free to come yell at me on tumblr: wellhellotragic


End file.
